No Matter The Hate I See, I Will Not Let That Shut Down My Heart.

No matter the hate I see and witness, I will not let that shut down my heart. I know who I am and I am love. I am every messy human element and I am love. Just as I believe everyone is, the alchemy of mess and love.

Even if people viciously forget they are love and viciously fight to prove they are not. It’s not my business. My business is simply to remember the love I am. To touch my own heart and keep it wide open. To not let bitterness stick, to not let hate win in me.

That is my work and I do it as I pour the remembering of who I am innately. I don’t mean when love is misused as a term for bravado, bypassing, arrogance and to silence or dominate anyone. I mean true love. Source.

I would rather be vulnerable than to ever shut down my heart and pretend that is strength. It is not. Vulnerability is strength as it is also a relinquishing the need for the bravado of ‘strength’. I know who I am, and that is all that matters.

I will not run from the courage to be the love I am. No matter what.

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Being misunderstood is such a trigger for me. I believe to many humans. Which makes me curious as to why. I have tons of stories for it yet ultimately I cannot possibly expect to be understood nor understand 100% of the time. It’s impossible. I cannot control that. So, in the space of feeling misunderstood or in the face of my misunderstanding, I ask myself, who can I be to myself right now? What if misunderstandings are important for highlighting where I can allow myself the gentleness of the love I am. What if misunderstandings are vital alchemy that shows me where to expand my self compassion.

My ‘dirty secret’

The biggest thing I’m ashamed of is my anger. It’s my ‘dirty secret’. It’s also my biggest disappointment in myself. I’ve been working on it for years and still I am an epic mess with it. It causes me great pain when I go into it. Anger itself is not the issue, anger is beautiful when it is real. Anger is powerful when it is necessary. However, anger is not as necessary as I have been accustomed to thinking it is. Being vulnerable and putting down my mask of anger leaves me with the massive terror that is underneath. Abject fear that quakes my body. Pain I have not met, breaks through. As I work hard to place down my mask of anger I feel naked and even the slightest breeze feels like a hurricane. Yet hurricanes are natures way of creating harmony so I surrender to it’s lesson.

vulnerability

Mine is a heart wide open

Mine is a heart wide openI feel the temperature of rain on my skin

The warmth of sun crawling languid across my form

I feel havoc and mayhem 

Like nails 

I feel the pinch of suffering across the pavements I walk

The gut punch of the starving which my feet do betray

I feel the echoes of a world

Trembling in its ever birth

Sighing in its destroy

Of a species finding its way 

Both brutally and beautifully through the storm of evolution 

I feel the plight of the willow tree not close enough to water

The miracle of the butterfly 

Resurrected

Once liquified 

Made merry as a pretty thing

Yet born so clear of plight

I feel my connection in unconsciousness

To the pain 

I find the bread crumbs I have set for my self

Out of the woods into wonder and life

I feel the silks of joy riding up my thighs 

Curving across my cheek

Up into multiverse

I feel the remorse of times unchecked

The compassion of unchecked fervor 

I feel the cavern thundering silently

Across the earths hair

Beckoning to grotto pure

The subtlety of awe 

In the flicker of a Doe’s ear

I feel the mechanical rhino exerting its presence

Stampede the brick and paved jungle

Calling the wild 

Safari machinery wailing its primal nature 

All rushing from the hyena which never comes

I feel the cry of the child rip through my body 

Opening up the animal in me which seeks to protect

I feel the soothing reminder of their voice

Yet unmarked giving expression 

I feel the untamed aliveness in each passing human

The barefoot fire dancer I ache to unite with 

Even muted attempts cannot hide the smell from me

Nor choking perfumes

I feel the pulse of tribal

The thrust in my shoulder blades 

Arch of my back

Stomp of my feet

The deep old movements that want release in my body 

Misinterpreted and misrepresented by an addicted culture into a mating call

Pelvic thrusts of connection deep with my roots

Guttural sounds yipping from my throat

Tongue singing rolling into soul call

Celebrating dust of Earth on my toes 

Howling into the night 

Ritual of grounding

I feel the moon shining or hidden

The stars in their mystical alchemy

A science unknown

I feel the outer of this inner world

The vastness of the space my planet employs

The planet I share in one

I feel protective of her life

I am a heart wide open

I feel every moment and particle deeply

Even beyond my human sight.


Painting and words by me.

Purpose

I am so clear I am not here, as in alive, to heal anyone. I could not be so arrogant as to suppose this. That is not my purpose. Everyone is whole and powerful as they are now and I choose to interact with people this way. I’m just here to play, share my experiences, connect, have conversations and love.

In the echoes of the rose
Holds the only sound benign
Fractured moments
Collected
Along the ache of the spine
Wilderness easing breath between vertebrae
Jungle child setting sight through textured cement
Firm ledge with soft glow
Reveling leaves cupping life 🍃
Civilization isn’t all its cracked up to be
Kristal D. Garcia
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Day 20 of 100 Days of Loving and Celebrating Being

Confidence

This I am struggling with right now. It may not seem like it, I’m pretty boisterous and expressive, yet, I get knocked off kilter pretty fast. It takes the brush of a wrong wind and I’m splat on my face. I’ve been wondering, god what in the world is confidence. I know what it is, I have moments and yet I don’t feel I really know what it is, it doesn’t feel embodied in me yet. I’ve been meditating and I have these incredible experiences and yet it takes a single perception and I’m out of production. I shut down and shut up.

So, that’s what I want to get present to in my being, confidence and grace. I say get present to as it’s already there, it’s who I am, there’s just the stories I get caught up in that leave me feeling otherwise and disconnected from my being. I’m starting to feel vulnerability is a part of getting present to confidence and grace.

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