Here’s An Illusion Breaker: No One Needs Porn.

I have first hand seen effects of the lie being pushed onto men that they need the sex industry/porn, I have lived it I have had the tears on my chest from it. I have worked with male sex workers, clientele, I have absolutely listened to the male perspective, the men that have had their lives destroyed and are not given voice.

I have seen the effects of women being told the sex industry/porn is ’empowering’. I have seen the broken bodies, the pain, the regret. I have seen the desire to self express be harnessed for the sex industry machine. I have listened to and lived the female perspective.

Here’s an illusion breaker: No one needs porn. Biggest lie that feeds the sex industry is that the sex industry is necessary. It is not. And that statement will be confronting until the conversation of being with, exploring, knowing self becomes more exciting than the avoidance addiction of the sex industry/porn.

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The Impact Of The Sex Industry Embraced As ‘Normal’

In conversations for simplicity I say ‘Yes, I was a sex worker’. Though it is not my identity. I have been and always will be: Kristal. No less, no more, just me. Not a fantasy, just me.

I could go on to explain why I was in the sex industry and at the end of the day, I have done that enough and it doesn’t matter. The ‘Why’ doesn’t matter so much anymore as that will always be interpreted in a myriad of ways. The reality is there is an impact. I had an impact on others and people feeding the sex industry and pornography machine had an impact on me.

When I didn’t make as much money because I felt bad about asking for lap dances in the club or for upcharging as an escort I took that on as I was broken, or the times I didn’t make money it was because I was ugly or I needed a boob job. I used the sex industry as a basis for what was ‘normal’ and I fell short. The shame was reflected back to me.

There is an impact when the sex industry is embraced as normality.

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I Was A Sex Addict

I was a sex addict. And I live in a society that praised me for it, called me ’empowered’ for it, ‘powerful’ for it.Yet I would go home, spend my days in bed depressed not knowing why. And do it all over again. Sometimes I wouldn’t eat, just drink alcohol. When I speak about ‘sex addiction’ the term itself is objectified and I am met with people who get excited about the thought. Yes, sex addiction has become exciting for people. My suffering, my pain, my disconnect, someone was using to get off on. Myself included.

It took me years to detox from the mentality and mannerisms of the sex industry and get honest with myself. I was violating my own body with my touch. It was like I wasn’t even touching myself I was enacting upon myself. It wasn’t tender self exploration or love, my own touch was violence. I would do it several times a day even if I hurt myself.

Sex addiction is not ‘sexy’ it is painful, I suffered.

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Speaking Up About The Sex Industry

When I speak up about the impact of the sex industry/pornography I am most often met with defense. I will keep talking about it, however. I am not ‘anti-porn’ as to me that is the same conversation of ‘pro-porn’ because it feeds shame and shame is, after all, what keeps the sex industry alive.

There is a very real impact of perpetuated pain, addiction, and self loathing that the sex industry keeps alive. I know because I was a part of it. I both dealt and received pain and I had to numb myself with alcohol and lie to myself to stay in it.

There is a sort of despair that I notice comes up for people who actually can hear the impact of the sex industry/porn yet feel lost without it. I believe this is often the same despair that often fuels the defense of the industry. Which brings me great sadness. We are so used to the pacifier of the sex industry we have forgotten that we hold wisdom within. There is no wisdom in the sex industry. Everything I ‘learned’ there I could have found with meditation without the wounding.

Sexual Shame Parading as ‘Sexual Empowerment’

This is a topic that comes up for me frequently as it is a facade that irks me deeply. The lie that sexual shame, sexual addiction, is ‘sexual empowerment’. If there were no sexual shame, there would not be such a drive to be so disconnected and intoxicated during sexual activity. Again, as I said in my last article, alcohol is not the only way to disconnect.

Why would we feel the need to drink so heavily before becoming sexually intimate? For me there had to be sexual shame present for me to want to disconnect. I had to prove myself as someone ‘sexy’ because I felt so much shame about my sexuality instead of seeing sexy is something innate. However, I was not aware it was in fact sexual shame that was part of keeping my sexual addiction in place.

Being connected with my sexual energy, aware of it, conscious of it, present with it, allowed me to receive my sexual energy as simply a part of me. A beautiful part of my expression, my passion, my grounding my creativity. Not just relating to my sexuality during sex, rather relating to my sexualty as me and an important part of my life and expression . Rather than treat my sexual energy as something that needed to be repressed to the point I would disconnect from my sexual energy and pretend that was ‘sexual empowerment’, I have instead learned to love myself. I can now celebrate my sexuality as a beautiful part of my being, expression, art. I’ve learned to love my body, my being, my imperfections, my issues, my grace, my sorrows, my joys, my insecurities, my confidence. I’ve learned to love that even when I forget to love myself, I follow my own breadcrumbs of self care back to self love. I have learned to see myself as love and it doesn’t really need a title for me of ‘sexual empowerment’ it’s just all inclusive to me as self love.

Consent, Boundaries, Self Violaton & Self Love

With all of the conversations being had now I believe we’ve become very aware that as a society we are massively lacking in clear boundaries. These are much needed topics to be coming to the forefront. One of the most epic and missing conversations is just how much we violate ourselves and put ourselves in positions where we are consistently violating our own boundaries and willing to tell ourselves that’s OK to do. This is not to be confused with actual rape which is very clear and criminal and must be treated as such. What we do not speak of is how many times we actually are violating ourselves.

What do I mean by self violation? If I am not slowing down to listen to my body, to listen to my needs, if I am getting myself wasted to disconnect from my self care and perpetuate abuse on my body, that is a self violation.  If I am over eating, or spending money that could be used to provide a safety net for myself, that is a self violation. If I am making myself unconscious sexually either with alcohol or by gaslighting myself to believe it’s ’empowering’ to throw myself swiftly into sexual situations without making sure it’s what I want, that’s a self violation. Again, not talking about actual rape, I’m speaking about sexual situations that I had placed myself in that I did not take the time to slow down to see if it was an authentic choice. At some point during all of this my body has said ‘No’ and I have either drowned that with an altering substance, or taught myself to not listen. That is not rape, that is a self violation. The confusion around this is creating issues and harm.

This is an unconscious action no one goes around saying ‘I think I’ll dismiss my own boundaries and violate myself today’. Having healthy boundaries is a product of self care and self love. Self love fuels the prioritizing of self care which fosters self respect and self worth to listen to my body and my needs. To slow down and not feed into the ‘sexual empowerment’ myth that filling some sort of imagined quota of partners will magically change my life for the better. To slow down and not feed into the self loathing inducing media that profits off of me feeling bad about myself and living in fear so I can buy that thing to magically make my life better. These things are a farce. It all comes back to taking the time to be with myself, explore my authentic needs, joys, sorrows and excitements. Taking the time to know myself not just copycat some story I’m told on what is the ‘sexually empowered’, ‘right’, ‘sexy’ way to be is based on patterns of who wants to sell what that season.

Consent is a very real and important conversation. Both women and men must slow down and recognize what is a healthy sexual situation. We all are aware that a violation of consent is rape, what we are not aware of is our own violations of our body requesting our consent. What I found missing in these conversations on seemingly grey areas is self responsibility. These grey areas would not exist if I slowed down and chose self care. Easy to go into victim mode because yes, I was victimized, however, I was victimized by me. That’s a very uncomfortable reality to be with. Again, not talking about being raped by someone, talking about the times I violated my own ‘No’ and did things anyway that I knew would not feel right later. The times I had unconsciously used men to violate my own body. There was no malicious intent there, I had no idea what I was doing and it was based off of trauma, I was also used to disconnecting with my body. However, the confusion coupled with feeling victimized but not knowing I was experiencng self violation, I would turn that on the men who had no idea this was going on internally -and how could they they were not wizards capable of mind reading- and consider them violator. Dangeorus mix. It was important for me to get conscious of my relationship with my self and take steps to heal the trauma I had experienced which fueled my many forms of body disconnect. What was missing for me to choose the tenderness towards myself that would interupt such a self abusive pattern? Self love. It always comes back to self love. Self care is a practice that unfortunately most of us are not used to in such an instant gratification addicted society. Slowing down and listening to our body speak our needs is vital and life saving. So much joy seeking and yet it is all already here in abundance, within. Just being present with my own being, with  my self, giving myself the love I am seeking, knowing I am the love I seek has made such a difference in my life. We give so much in attention and money- which is another form of giving one’s energy- to find things or experiences we’ve been told should make us ‘happy’ without slowing down to see if it’s authentic at all to our own unique needs. Slowing down is key, there is too much confusion I see right now and not enough slowing down and taking the time to find what is real, true, authentic and healthy for self.

We cannot be so surprised that the conversations have become so confused in society when we promote sexual addictions-a flashy form of sexual repression- and disconnecting from ourselves especially with alcohol and with other things too. Any thing can be used as either a form of disconnect or a way to connect. Disconnect is not all bad either, sometimes we do need to have some form of escapism movie time etc. However, anything in excess can of course have it’s downside. Moderation works, and nature is always willing to be available as a form of ‘escapism’ that offers a deep connection with self. Self connect is available at any moment just simply becoming conscious with the simplicity of breath. Breath is something that unites all of us. Doing the work to slow down, choose mindfulness which is presence with my body and listening to my body, has made a massive difference in my once co-dependent reliance on society to tell me what I need to do to be beautiful, sexy, and ‘happy’. I am the Joy and beauty I seek, no agreement required.

 

Everything I Seek Is Within Me Right Now, Simply In Being

There is so much to sexuality which for me is inclusive of spiritual connection. I don’t mean it in a restrictive way as is often perceived, rather for me it is relating to sexuality as sacred.
As in, seeing sexuality is beyond intercourse, it is in the very presence of the sun, the air, the grass, the water, it is life source present in the fibers of life itself. Sex is a beautiful sacred experience of sexuality and sexuality is not exclusive to sex. To me sexuality is the very source of life and breath, creativity.
I don’t have the perfect words to share this, what I do have is the knowledge of my body and so I speak. Not to advise, to share what is calling me to share.
I can no longer stay silent in the face of seeing sexuality as only sex, seeing sexuality and sex abused and applauded when used as self abuse or the massive facade and carrot of arriving at ‘sexual empowerment’. It’s just the biggest lie. I have nothing to fight, simply my experience to share.
Everything I seek is within me right now, simply in being.
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