Being misunderstood is such a trigger for me. I believe to many humans. Which makes me curious as to why. I have tons of stories for it yet ultimately I cannot possibly expect to be understood nor understand 100% of the time. It’s impossible. I cannot control that. So, in the space of feeling misunderstood or in the face of my misunderstanding, I ask myself, who can I be to myself right now? What if misunderstandings are important for highlighting where I can allow myself the gentleness of the love I am. What if misunderstandings are vital alchemy that shows me where to expand my self compassion.

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The Body.

To me what I often experience is this. Those who practice a modality, such as Tantra, often begin to work like a body. However, as a body it is always open to getting sick. And as a body each individual makes up the body’s immune system. Now, when the immune system is in integrity it can recognize between pathogens -what actually creates disease, in this instance abuse and abusers, spiritual bypassing, righteous denial and arrogance. which hides abuse- and its own body. When the immune system is out of integrity it cannot distinguish between a pathogen and it’s own body and begins to attack itself.
 
Those standing up to abuse in the Tantric community are very clearly a healthy and vital part of the Tantric body and yet are often met in ‘Tantric’ spaces like they are not. Being a stand for victims, for integrity is a great stand that is for supporting the health of the Tantric body in action which begins in being. When the body senses pathogens it sends out an army of fighter cells to attack in order to keep the body healthy. Those standing for health, safety, the voice of victims and integrity in the Tantric community are only attacking the pathogens NOT the body. Yet is often confused as the other way around.
 
This is my experience as to what is often transpiring in Tantra and in any part of the human community. We are a body. If I am out of integrity with myself, I contribute to the body not being able to distinguish between pathogen and self. It absolutely all comes back to self as in doing my own work.
 
My integrity is a vital part of a healthy body. This is core.
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Words mine, Anatomy art by Juan Gatti.

Happy Earth Day!: The Human Element

 In the beautiful consciousness of #EarthDay, remembering to love home, to me that starts with self. If I do not respect myself, how can I respect my planet? If I do not see myself as belonging, how can I take accountability for effects of my actions on this soil?
Sometimes environmentalism can get a bit dark in my experience by forgetting the human element. As if people are ‘bad’ or ‘wicked’ or ‘stupid’ for not taking care of the planet. What if they just don’t feel like they belong? What if they just do not have the wisdom or education or know how to know what it means to take care of earth? Or, the self love and self respect to know their actions matter?

To me self love it all comes back to. Those equipped can keep educating all of us on how to best live in harmony with our planet and also, remember, we are the planet too. If we are not in harmony with ourselves, if we cannot love self, no way are we going to be able to understand we matter enough that we impact our planet.

Being kind to the Earth means also being kind to self.

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Do people really want peace?

Do I believe people want peace? No. Not beyond the superficial self aggrandizing ego patting conversations. Because peace takes self responsibility & self responsibility means being honest with self, & everyone wants to see themselves as the hero not the villain.

If I deny my shadow I deny myself my own love, I deny myself my own recognition of self as powerful creator. How could there possibly be peace if I deny my impact? I would much rather continue to challenge myself to embrace self responsibility. That is my peace.

The Impact Of The Sex Industry Embraced As ‘Normal’

In conversations for simplicity I say ‘Yes, I was a sex worker’. Though it is not my identity. I have been and always will be: Kristal. No less, no more, just me. Not a fantasy, just me.

I could go on to explain why I was in the sex industry and at the end of the day, I have done that enough and it doesn’t matter. The ‘Why’ doesn’t matter so much anymore as that will always be interpreted in a myriad of ways. The reality is there is an impact. I had an impact on others and people feeding the sex industry and pornography machine had an impact on me.

When I didn’t make as much money because I felt bad about asking for lap dances in the club or for upcharging as an escort I took that on as I was broken, or the times I didn’t make money it was because I was ugly or I needed a boob job. I used the sex industry as a basis for what was ‘normal’ and I fell short. The shame was reflected back to me.

There is an impact when the sex industry is embraced as normality.

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Welcome To My Laboratory

Totally in inner-Scientist mode. Welcome to my laboratory.

My laboratory is not of beakers and measurements (though that stuff is super cool too), mine is one of heart, mind, body, soul and all that of which I do not know.

Serums, elixirs, unconsciousness mixing with the breath of presence and into explosions of awareness, shiny things, much pressing to see ‘what does this button do?’ and bracing myself for the inevitable dive into the human experiment of deep unconsciousness.

How else can I truly live and be alive if I do not test my own limitations, self conversation and my own habits in the laboratory of my own being?

Art by Travis Bedel