Triumph.

What’s present for me is the exploration of diving deeper into self care. Allowing myself to step further on this already present journey, into layers I had not dared touch with love. I sit it in the strength of self trust which is powerfully present and gently present for me. Delving deeper into self listening what I am finding are more questions, as there will always be, and more curiosity toward challenging what I have known and bringing this to light in triumph. Smiling I surrender to relentless self love. It feels like a fresh breeze through my heart and soul.

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#MindfulBasedActivism

I’ve started the hashtag: #MindfulBasedActivism Not to be confused with bypassing, avoidance, ‘playing nice’. Rather to me, Mindful Based Activism is about authenticity, self-care, self-love & learning to expand my listening. I’m new to this myself.

In my commitment to #MindfulBasedActivism, I explore ways of expanding the listening on Mens Rights & other topics. I also prioritize finding ways of expanding my listening. Which means getting present to another person’s reality & meeting them there.

For me, #MindfulBasedActivism must begin with my relationship to self. Kindness begins with me being kind to me by prioritizing my self care & self love. To me activism & advocacy is about my growth as a person, who I am in my community & expansion of conversation.

To me, #MindfulBasedActivism is about getting real. About facing social blindspots & blindspots in the Human Rights conversation. It’s about learning to self care in the pushback & be kind to myself & remember the human being before me feels just as much as I do.

The love in to me is about facing the identity with illusion breaking authentic tenderness or authentic ferocity of the heart starting within. Self love is the root.

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Being misunderstood is such a trigger for me. I believe to many humans. Which makes me curious as to why. I have tons of stories for it yet ultimately I cannot possibly expect to be understood nor understand 100% of the time. It’s impossible. I cannot control that. So, in the space of feeling misunderstood or in the face of my misunderstanding, I ask myself, who can I be to myself right now? What if misunderstandings are important for highlighting where I can allow myself the gentleness of the love I am. What if misunderstandings are vital alchemy that shows me where to expand my self compassion.

Being ‘right’ doesn’t make me happy…

I used to think being ‘right’ made me happy. Now I see that I confused what I thought was happiness with a high. Being ‘right’ doesn’t make me happy or bring me joy, it’s a sadistic high that I feel. Nothing necessarily wrong with that either it’s just being honest with myself about what I’m doing and what I’m choosing in the moment. With a high comes the come down and for me it’s not pretty. The righteous high comes at a cost to me. The come down is rough, the fiending for the next dose to alleviate the inner backlash is blinding. Fighting through the addiction to see what is it that nurtures me and do I dare be it?

Love has a high, however, to me that can expand into deeper connection. Like a thread sewing together. It has a substance that the righteous high does not, a foundation it seems like to me, potential to create a bond, trust, vulnerability, it eventually grounds itself in reality and then builds itself from there. The love high has its own failsafe, illusion busting written in its composition with a call to grounding and deepening in self sight in my experience.

Exploring the highs in life. Nothing wrong, even righteousness has its time. Like anything, righteousness in its excess becomes a painful addiction with a high cost to self care, self kindness and my health.

Being what nurtures me is an important selfishness.

I get to choose.

When hate gets passed onto me- and who knows how far it has traveled to get to me- I have a choice what to do with it once it’s in my hands. I feel its impression as it permeates in finger tips. I feel my fear, pain, rage as it shines a light on my own hate in me.

I now hear myself ask, ‘What do you want to give them?’, just before I’m about to rage at someone else over the hate a person shared with me. And I can’t do it. I can’t pass on the hate. I cannot get into the details my body will not let me.

I choose to let it end in me. I set a boundary with the person being heinous, which is my self love, my right to say ‘No’, I do not have to allow myself to be hurt.

If I am to let the journey of such hate end in me, I need to love myself with an uncomfortable brave ferocity.

So I do. I love the reflection of the hate in me this person has shown me as I am not separate from them. I give my love to the coward in me that writhes in attack. I bow to the innocence in me as the origins of all of this is self preservation, aloneness, abandonment.

And I rise with the self respect in me that calls for what is right and respects what needs to be done to transmute this hate and then give what I truly want to give. Love and honor.

To give this I must let all that is not, end in me.

Nurturing

I believe a lot of the conversations I have hurt myself with I may have had an innocent need to be seen. My little girl with heart open asking to be seen. I do not fault this, it is a human desire, I just look now at where perhaps that is not self care for me. I look to see where I am unconsicously carrying this unmet need as pain. I look for the root of this aching need, what it looks like to nurture this in myself.

Do you nurture your needs?

Painting by unknown artist