Being ‘right’ doesn’t make me happy…

I used to think being ‘right’ made me happy. Now I see that I confused what I thought was happiness with a high. Being ‘right’ doesn’t make me happy or bring me joy, it’s a sadistic high that I feel. Nothing necessarily wrong with that either it’s just being honest with myself about what I’m doing and what I’m choosing in the moment. With a high comes the come down and for me it’s not pretty. The righteous high comes at a cost to me. The come down is rough, the fiending for the next dose to alleviate the inner backlash is blinding. Fighting through the addiction to see what is it that nurtures me and do I dare be it?

Love has a high, however, to me that can expand into deeper connection. Like a thread sewing together. It has a substance that the righteous high does not, a foundation it seems like to me, potential to create a bond, trust, vulnerability, it eventually grounds itself in reality and then builds itself from there. The love high has its own failsafe, illusion busting written in its composition with a call to grounding and deepening in self sight in my experience.

Exploring the highs in life. Nothing wrong, even righteousness has its time. Like anything, righteousness in its excess becomes a painful addiction with a high cost to self care, self kindness and my health.

Being what nurtures me is an important selfishness.

Advertisements

I get to choose.

When hate gets passed onto me- and who knows how far it has traveled to get to me- I have a choice what to do with it once it’s in my hands. I feel its impression as it permeates in finger tips. I feel my fear, pain, rage as it shines a light on my own hate in me.

I now hear myself ask, ‘What do you want to give them?’, just before I’m about to rage at someone else over the hate a person shared with me. And I can’t do it. I can’t pass on the hate. I cannot get into the details my body will not let me.

I choose to let it end in me. I set a boundary with the person being heinous, which is my self love, my right to say ‘No’, I do not have to allow myself to be hurt.

If I am to let the journey of such hate end in me, I need to love myself with an uncomfortable brave ferocity.

So I do. I love the reflection of the hate in me this person has shown me as I am not separate from them. I give my love to the coward in me that writhes in attack. I bow to the innocence in me as the origins of all of this is self preservation, aloneness, abandonment.

And I rise with the self respect in me that calls for what is right and respects what needs to be done to transmute this hate and then give what I truly want to give. Love and honor.

To give this I must let all that is not, end in me.

Nurturing

I believe a lot of the conversations I have hurt myself with I may have had an innocent need to be seen. My little girl with heart open asking to be seen. I do not fault this, it is a human desire, I just look now at where perhaps that is not self care for me. I look to see where I am unconsicously carrying this unmet need as pain. I look for the root of this aching need, what it looks like to nurture this in myself.

Do you nurture your needs?

Painting by unknown artist

There is nothing to forgive

The wisdom of a friend shines through in these conversations of racism sharing with me those who speak such things they cannot help themselves, my soul family shares they know not what they do and my mothers voice pierces through the veil, there is nothing to forgive. I am left in tears of surrender.

So to be abundantly clear here, this does not mean I do not forgive or do not believe in the process of forgiveness. Of course I do. To me this touches a very specific place in me when my mother says these words that is hard to put into words as it is a feeling. Forgiveness is an important practice for me and these words touch something that is transformative to me. Can’t word it yet.

Boundaries 

Sometimes even in the face of absolute self righteous a-holeness I have to stop and realize, the bottom line is I’m responsible for how I show up and god I have come a LONG way. Because no matter how anyone else shows up, who I choose to be in the face of such identities is ultimately completely and entirely up to me. Being loving and understanding is NOT easy and god it’s a whole lot of work, daily work. And yet here I am. Still trying. 

It would be so much easier to pick up my weapons and metaphorically annihilate someone but I’ve come to a point that I don’t want to leave my self with that. In the face of my boundaries being repeatedly violated I’ve finally found my voice to speak up and be loving yet unwavering. Loving to my own being first. I have spent my life advocating for people yet now I stand as my own advocate as that is only my responsibility.

I’m tired of living as if people will respect my boundaries by default. This is naive and dangerous. Now I speak them. I love these people except now not at the expense of me. Love at the expense of me is not really me being loving anyway, that’s an unconscious form of fear manipulation. 

I would rather be honest even if in the perception of some people that costs me intimacy, love and connection. I know those who stay in my life and encourage my boundaries love me. I also know some that love me and are confronted by my boundaries either aren’t conscious of it or don’t know better. Either way, it’s my self care to make them conscious of my boundaries and care for my self accordingly.

I’m no longer attached to manipulative and hurtful reactions to me setting a healthy boundary. Be it. No persons temper tantrum to my self care is going to make me sway from being true to me.

Day 40 of 100 Days of Loving and Celebrating Being

Creating an intimate relationship with fear

I woke up this morning with tears and the ache in my body of processing growing. Growth is painful. It just is. And that is OK. I welcome every part of this, even though at times it feels like I am deep in the pits of hell. I was for sure not going to go on Facebook the absolute first thing in the morning, that’s not going to inspire my day. I do yoga in bed which feels nice on my bones, back and knees. However, this morning my daughter came into my bed after having a nightmare. My 7 and a half year old was sound asleep. I needed to find some motion to start moving this process that was trying to work it’s way through my body.

I gingerly slid my computer from under the pillow she had her legs on. I decided to be productive. I sat down, pulled up my book and began to write. A chapter poured through that I feel really proud of. A good one and now I’m actually looking at my other chapters like oh man, you need to live up to this chapter.  Which is both amazing and slightly daunting. I choose to look at that fear that makes it seem ‘daunting’ and allow it to just be that and not fix it. Just know that’s a fear thought and get into action.

I finished proud and got on Facebook [because I am a junkie and I fully own it. Hey, awareness is the first step.] and came back to a post with an article that had caught my eye. It’s an amazing read:

Headstands for Beginners

What I enjoyed about this is the author, Laura Samper G., created the conversation of experiencing the Headstand from the point of relating with fear.  Which is exactly where I am at. I’m in a place of pain and fear being with this however long it takes for old ways of being to die. What happens is my triggers show up which for me show up as reactionary anger which as I’ve shared in other posts, is really just my abject terror. Pure fear. Protection.

I got yesterday I have been subconsciously playing the game of trigger/attack. We’re all always playing conscious or unconscious games we either ‘win’ or ‘lose’.  I realized this was my unconscious game that I was ‘winning’. The game of ‘protection where I use my hurt to hurt others. Feeling justified with lashing out at others because of my pain and fear. It doesn’t work. I’m not being attacked. I’m safe. No one is out to get me, I’m surrounded by love. I have lost intimacy with this habit of protect, defend, attack. When I say feeling justified it was like completely letting my fear take over. Why? I realized with no relationship to my fear, of course it will continue to do that. I’m not striving for perfection, I am human, I am creating a clearing for who I know myself to be and how I have not given myself the space to show up. In relating to my fear, getting intimate with it I get to allow it and practice minimizing the effect of my reactions. Meaning, not lashing out or doing over the top actions as in domination, avoidance or any other fear action that has dire consequences and may show up like raging.

I felt myself electric yesterday, fear, rage, pain all at once felt like electricity to me. There must be something old trying to come forward into my sight to be healed. So I recognized the electricity yesterday. I recognized the triggered feeling. I got personal with it. I got to see it was all me, not outside of me that it was going on. I got present to what was under the protective anger, the deep pain of my ways of being that hurt others and that hurt me.

In this relating with fear, reading this article I found so perfect and supportive of where I am right now. I decided to take it on. I wanted to know this feeling. I have had it like it would take me forever to do a headstand. I wanted to know the proper technique so I didn’t hurt myself.  I found this amazing instructor on YouTube:

With my own modifications – I used a wall, I didn’t walk my toes up- I did it! I felt what the writer had expressed, that terror. For me fear is a protector from death, so it shows up like ‘OMG don’t do that! We’re going to die! I don’t want to die! Ahhh!’ In almost every single situation. I am so run by fear I have gotten aware of. Variations like that. It’s not what I tell myself, it is a reaction. I feel the quickening in my body, the fear in my chest, my senses become super sharp, my eyes dart, my heartbeat quickens, sometimes body trembling. Being able to face this and teach myself this very bizarre position that is just not something I am used to every day is safe, has been so huge for me! So amazing.

I am teaching myself I am safe. I am listening to my fear with gratitude. I am learning to be with my fear with love and acceptance and caring. Listening to what my fear has to say and being with that. Going deeper into where did this come from, what’s really present for me. Getting responsible. That is vital. Getting so responsible for how I am showing up and have been showing up in my life. And loving myself. Just keep loving myself. I am teaching myself I am safe by allowing fear to be safe to be with. In all of this I am also learning to trust myself. I like how this author says:

I like how the author Laura Samper G. says:

“Fear can take many forms, but the more I observe it, the more it speaks to me with love, and it manifests as a green light, a flag that points to the direction I should follow. Fear is a good friend when you get to know it.”

I love this. As I am making fear my friend to me personally it shows up as a red light/green light: “Stop. OK, now come this way.”

Being with it, being present. When I was in my avoidance of fear I noticed how much I had been avoiding life itself by not being present. By being disconnected with reality. As I create this intimate relationship with fear, I am becoming present in my daily life. I am starting to find treasures in myself I never knew I had. In my intimate relationship with fear I am opening to an intimate relationship with myself. I am starting to recognize who I know myself to be. One triggered moment at a time.

0972e93abda3420b985eab56d87b6a88