My ‘dirty secret’

The biggest thing I’m ashamed of is my anger. It’s my ‘dirty secret’. It’s also my biggest disappointment in myself. I’ve been working on it for years and still I am an epic mess with it. It causes me great pain when I go into it. Anger itself is not the issue, anger is beautiful when it is real. Anger is powerful when it is necessary. However, anger is not as necessary as I have been accustomed to thinking it is. Being vulnerable and putting down my mask of anger leaves me with the massive terror that is underneath. Abject fear that quakes my body. Pain I have not met, breaks through. As I work hard to place down my mask of anger I feel naked and even the slightest breeze feels like a hurricane. Yet hurricanes are natures way of creating harmony so I surrender to it’s lesson.



Self Loathing and Self Love

In order for me to talk about self love I also need to talk about self loathing. I do not like talking about self loathing I mean ew who wants to acknowledge feeling that? However, I do feel it, it doesn’t run my life like it used to and it’s there. I’m sure self loathing will be present till my last day and to deny self loathing for me creates it as strong shadow.

To acknowledge self loathing, albeit it embarrassing or terrifying to admit even though every human feels it at some point or another, allows me to not hide away with it. With self loathing comes self punishment in the form of self talk that is not so kind. Especially if I have dissapointed myself and fallen back on some destructive habit in how I relate with others such as being suspicious of others intent and being defensive. When this happens, self loathing pops up like a jack in the box.

I now put in place really rallying for my self love when self loathing comes up. Doing the gentle work of self forgiveness and very importantly, looking at what do I need to put in place in my life to do better next time. I am very clear now that when I’m out of integrity, whether it’s dishes, laundry or not being organized with appointments etc, I get very whackado [yes that is my professional self diagnosis and no I did not go to college for that]. If I’m out of integrity with myself, same thing. Am I giving myself time for ample sleep? Doing the work on my projects I set out to do? Keeping my word to myself? Am I giving myself space to just have fun for the sheer hell of it?

The reason I also know I need to forgive myself -which does not mean dismiss what I have done or how I have shown up- is because self loathing is an unconscious way of not taking self responsibility and putting in place the actions and self care and self love I need to practice moving on from bad relating habits. If I stay in self loathing, I create the illusion I have learned something by punishing myself and that does not actually support me really learning the lesson I need to learn from my actions. It’s really not necessary to go into self loathing at all, logically I know this and it is still present and probably always will be on some level. This old form of self correct I believe comes from survival. If you feel bad, you learn the lesson, you survive. Short term, that works, long term it is not safe. Choosing to do the work to discover what it looks like to move from survival mode to thriving mode for me means exploring ways of allowing the lesson to show itself while being kind and gentle with me. This is my idea,l as much as I can practice doing this is healing. I deserve to love myself and I can possibly make a difference even a bit faster as I shorten the space I give for self loathing. Sometimes I am able to move through self loathing very quickly, other times, it takes a bit more work. When I wallow in self loathing and create the illusion I have learned something I subconsciously excuse myself from being the creator of my life and being able to love myself. I feel that also takes up some pretty valuable time I could be putting towards celebrating life and my being and simply enjoy the beauty in life. By moving into self love, I am able to grasp the impact of my actions and let go of self flagellation and really put things in place to do better next time.

Am I terrified I will mess up again? For sure. And that is part of learning is facing the fear and continuing to practice, practice, practice for my breakthrough. I’m worth that. To me this is how self love is self responsibility and self loathing simply a way to remind me to come back to the love I am. I feel this is what the shadow does and so for me, the shadow is self love. I am learning to acknowledge when self loathing has come present and affirm to myself that I am going to do the work to check in with my integrity and self care while learning the impact of how I showed up and trust myself to practice making changes. I’m seeing when I practice this, self love can show up just a little bit faster each time and for me this means self loathing is just a little less needed each time too.


Self Love Warrior

The warrior in me has held my hand through trials and unknown, to bring me from war weary battlefields to the beauty of braving the challenge of being the Love I know myself to be.

Freedom Of The Heart

For me I have noticed I can use ‘I don’t understand’ to nose dive into my judgments and close myself off from people. Shutting my heart to people and creating distance with judging them seems ‘safer’ than facing whatever is really present.

I’m starting to appreciate that understanding is not more important than compassion and intimacy. And if I prioritize compassion, I may probably be more open to understanding on some level, even if not entirely, because of my openness to intimacy.

And some things, I will never understand. And some times goodbye is right. There is self care in that too. So long as I am coming from awareness of my flight habit, self care and self love, I will be able to distinguish this.

I’m just ready to change my story.



I’m Pro Choice And This Is Why I Support The Pro Life Conversation

OK so I’m going to get real raw and vulnerable here, and I speak about all of this in my book too. When I was 18 years old I had an abortion. It was the most horrifying experience. It messed me up mentally for years. Every year I would break down around the birth month. This conversation has been such an intense tumultuous internal struggle for me when talking about pro-choice/pro-life. Because I have had an abortion myself I don’t feel like I can say I’m pro-life though I learned that is a fallacy. Women who have an abortion have insight only they can bring to the Pro Life conversation. I do feel women need access to the option of abortion through the 1st trimester for safety reasons so it is not pushed underground.

What I do feel is missing from the pro choice conversation is the distinction of pro choice vs pro abortion. Pro choice MUST be about actual choice. Which means listening to the conversations of Pro Life as well. Otherwise it’s not pro choice it’s pushing abortion. I am now a mom of an amazing 9 year old girl. When I was pregnant with her I wasn’t sure if I could do it. I’m a single mom, I still struggle, however, I am so lucky and happy to be her mom. Had I had an abortion again, I would not be alive here today to talk about this.

I do believe that we need to have serious discussions about the reality of what an abortion is and the effects of that on the psychology of the woman. The pro-abortion conversations I feel minimize how harmful an abortion is to the woman. Pro Choice must uphold being pro choice and give women the option to hear all of their options that Pro Lifer’s talk about. If we’re really standing for women, they need to know.

Women don’t have the psychological support they need after such a procedure. We really do not know how many women have committed suicide because of abortions. I was very close to it myself and that’s what I mean by I would not have made it had I chosen it again. I believe if we are going to talk about sex education that must also include the reality of the severity of what an abortion is. I couldn’t afford to pay for going under, I was awake while it happened. Abortions aren’t ‘nothing’ they are horrific.

I’ve healed from the experience of having an abortion but the thought of it will never go away of wondering what that child would have been like. For me it all starts with educating young women as to what abortion means. To me the conversation of abortion should be finding ways to minimize the abortion numbers, this has actually been put into practice successfully in Africa. It starts with supporting girls knowing their menses cycles. It starts with a conversation of self care.

What was put in place that has made a big difference in Africa in the conversation of sexual education is abstaining from sex for as long as possible, not from shame but rather from self care and preparedness. I believe we also need to talk about the abortion process. The way we go about talking about abortion today is either from a space of hating women who have done it, or bypassing reality of what an abortion is. Neither works. I believe sharing facts from a space of awareness and compassion can minimize abortion rates.

Perhaps one day abortion will only be necessary for medical life at risk reasons and the only way to get there is to educate. Women need to know what an abortion looks like and that there are psychological affects they need to be aware of and take care with. Along with sharing the procedure of what an abortion is and looks like, we need to be having conversations of self love, self worth and self care with our girls. That there is nothing shameful about abstaining until you are really ready. That you deserve kindness.

I think this is where Pro Life and Pro Choice can work together. Pro Choice must be about women actually choosing what’s right for them, otherwise it’s just pushing abortions as the ‘norm’ mentality, and not caring to find or give space for a woman’s to take her time and feel what her authentic truth is. I think of all of the those who are Pro Life could really put together some amazing programs that support women in their self love and self care and I believe Pro Choice could be a part of this too. Both can really support women. It is possible to make a difference together.

If you are a woman who has had an abortion perhaps you have felt how I had felt about it and had a hard time letting go of shame and self flagellation. While I will never forget the experience, what I can do is be gentle with myself. I did what I felt was right to do at the time, I did what I felt I needed to do to survive. I learned to stop treating myself like a ‘wicked’ woman for having an abortion and start holding myself with love and compassion. Becoming a mom I held onto guilt and feeling unworthy and I let that go too. If you are suffering with depression, please seek help. I wish I had and I hope more women find a way to be gentle with themselves over this. I had to free myself from my self loathing over having an abortion and I did the work to choose self care and self love. This is not an easy conversation, I was shaking as I started writing this. Abject terror of how I would be met for sharing this. However, I love myself, I am kind to myself and anyone’s judgment about me for having an abortion has nothing to do with me. It’s not personal, people just need to process things how they need to process and I also do not need to take on abuse for it either.

Just being kind to myself, I can find compassion for other people’s process about my process. It’s not easy and I’m worth it as at the end I leave myself in peace. The only forgiveness I need is my own and I have forgiven myself. I hope by my speaking about this and coming forward women no longer feel alone. If you had an abortion and whether you suffered it or not, you matter and your voice is valid. If you had an abortion and choose to be Pro Life, don’t be afraid, your voice is valid and it matters. No you’re not a fraud for choosing to come forward in your authentic voice and share why you don’t support abortion, you matter and your voice is valid. If you’ve never had an abortion, try and listen from a new space if you can. I try to challenge myself as much as I can to listen to someone who even if I may not understand their choice, yet I can remind myself to understand they are a human being worthy of love and are not separate from me.

I care about women knowing they are worth taking their time to self care, self love and value their worth. I want women to know they are worth taking their time to find a good partner who is committed to them, they deserve that. The conversation I am is about supporting people knowing they are worthy. That means I support women knowing they are worthy to slow down, self care, not rush into things. I believe the self love conversation can make a big difference in minimizing abortion rates over time, starting now. It will not be instant, and I hope that over time less women will be in this terrifying position. I can’t stress enough that women who are Pro Life who have had an abortion must be listened to as they bring valuable insight that only they can to the Pro Life conversation.

I support the conversation of women feeling safe to choose and that is why I also support the as women have a right to choose and should hear the whole conversations before they do.

Consent, Boundaries, Self Violaton & Self Love

With all of the conversations being had now I believe we’ve become very aware that as a society we are massively lacking in clear boundaries. These are much needed topics to be coming to the forefront. One of the most epic and missing conversations is just how much we violate ourselves and put ourselves in positions where we are consistently violating our own boundaries and willing to tell ourselves that’s OK to do. This is not to be confused with actual rape which is very clear and criminal and must be treated as such. What we do not speak of is how many times we actually are violating ourselves.

What do I mean by self violation? If I am not slowing down to listen to my body, to listen to my needs, if I am getting myself wasted to disconnect from my self care and perpetuate abuse on my body, that is a self violation.  If I am over eating, or spending money that could be used to provide a safety net for myself, that is a self violation. If I am making myself unconscious sexually either with alcohol or by gaslighting myself to believe it’s ’empowering’ to throw myself swiftly into sexual situations without making sure it’s what I want, that’s a self violation. Again, not talking about actual rape, I’m speaking about sexual situations that I had placed myself in that I did not take the time to slow down to see if it was an authentic choice. At some point during all of this my body has said ‘No’ and I have either drowned that with an altering substance, or taught myself to not listen. That is not rape, that is a self violation. The confusion around this is creating issues and harm.

This is an unconscious action no one goes around saying ‘I think I’ll dismiss my own boundaries and violate myself today’. Having healthy boundaries is a product of self care and self love. Self love fuels the prioritizing of self care which fosters self respect and self worth to listen to my body and my needs. To slow down and not feed into the ‘sexual empowerment’ myth that filling some sort of imagined quota of partners will magically change my life for the better. To slow down and not feed into the self loathing inducing media that profits off of me feeling bad about myself and living in fear so I can buy that thing to magically make my life better. These things are a farce. It all comes back to taking the time to be with myself, explore my authentic needs, joys, sorrows and excitements. Taking the time to know myself not just copycat some story I’m told on what is the ‘sexually empowered’, ‘right’, ‘sexy’ way to be is based on patterns of who wants to sell what that season.

Consent is a very real and important conversation. Both women and men must slow down and recognize what is a healthy sexual situation. We all are aware that a violation of consent is rape, what we are not aware of is our own violations of our body requesting our consent. What I found missing in these conversations on seemingly grey areas is self responsibility. These grey areas would not exist if I slowed down and chose self care. Easy to go into victim mode because yes, I was victimized, however, I was victimized by me. That’s a very uncomfortable reality to be with. Again, not talking about being raped by someone, talking about the times I violated my own ‘No’ and did things anyway that I knew would not feel right later. The times I had unconsciously used men to violate my own body. There was no malicious intent there, I had no idea what I was doing and it was based off of trauma, I was also used to disconnecting with my body. However, the confusion coupled with feeling victimized but not knowing I was experiencng self violation, I would turn that on the men who had no idea this was going on internally -and how could they they were not wizards capable of mind reading- and consider them violator. Dangeorus mix. It was important for me to get conscious of my relationship with my self and take steps to heal the trauma I had experienced which fueled my many forms of body disconnect. What was missing for me to choose the tenderness towards myself that would interupt such a self abusive pattern? Self love. It always comes back to self love. Self care is a practice that unfortunately most of us are not used to in such an instant gratification addicted society. Slowing down and listening to our body speak our needs is vital and life saving. So much joy seeking and yet it is all already here in abundance, within. Just being present with my own being, with  my self, giving myself the love I am seeking, knowing I am the love I seek has made such a difference in my life. We give so much in attention and money- which is another form of giving one’s energy- to find things or experiences we’ve been told should make us ‘happy’ without slowing down to see if it’s authentic at all to our own unique needs. Slowing down is key, there is too much confusion I see right now and not enough slowing down and taking the time to find what is real, true, authentic and healthy for self.

We cannot be so surprised that the conversations have become so confused in society when we promote sexual addictions-a flashy form of sexual repression- and disconnecting from ourselves especially with alcohol and with other things too. Any thing can be used as either a form of disconnect or a way to connect. Disconnect is not all bad either, sometimes we do need to have some form of escapism movie time etc. However, anything in excess can of course have it’s downside. Moderation works, and nature is always willing to be available as a form of ‘escapism’ that offers a deep connection with self. Self connect is available at any moment just simply becoming conscious with the simplicity of breath. Breath is something that unites all of us. Doing the work to slow down, choose mindfulness which is presence with my body and listening to my body, has made a massive difference in my once co-dependent reliance on society to tell me what I need to do to be beautiful, sexy, and ‘happy’. I am the Joy and beauty I seek, no agreement required.