But do I really need to? Do I need to stick my finger in the shotgun barrel? It just doesn’t feel like a fit for me anymore. It doesn’t nurture me. Apparently I have had to keep sticking my finger in the barrel until I just come back to, god I’d rather be the conversation of self love. Not for anyone else, for me. To nurture myself. Be the conversations of love that have made a difference for me in my life and continue to do so. Even debating the old division stories is still being a part of the division as I’m speaking into the duality of it. Why not just be the conversations of love I know are true for me? Better yet, why not just keep living them? Yup, pretty done sticking my finger in the shotgun barrel.
When I am feeling tender I go to the only place that can bring me solace, in. Touch hands with my inner child, hold her and let her hold me, love me, mold and paint my face. I find myself by a seaside fire with every age of me up to my crone with their hands on my heart. I let the tears pour as I share this love with myself.
Do you journey inward? What do you find?
Creating an intimate relationship with fear
I woke up this morning with tears and the ache in my body of processing growing. Growth is painful. It just is. And that is OK. I welcome every part of this, even though at times it feels like I am deep in the pits of hell. I was for sure not going to go on Facebook the absolute first thing in the morning, that’s not going to inspire my day. I do yoga in bed which feels nice on my bones, back and knees. However, this morning my daughter came into my bed after having a nightmare. My 7 and a half year old was sound asleep. I needed to find some motion to start moving this process that was trying to work it’s way through my body.
I gingerly slid my computer from under the pillow she had her legs on. I decided to be productive. I sat down, pulled up my book and began to write. A chapter poured through that I feel really proud of. A good one and now I’m actually looking at my other chapters like oh man, you need to live up to this chapter. Which is both amazing and slightly daunting. I choose to look at that fear that makes it seem ‘daunting’ and allow it to just be that and not fix it. Just know that’s a fear thought and get into action.
I finished proud and got on Facebook [because I am a junkie and I fully own it. Hey, awareness is the first step.] and came back to a post with an article that had caught my eye. It’s an amazing read:
What I enjoyed about this is the author, Laura Samper G., created the conversation of experiencing the Headstand from the point of relating with fear. Which is exactly where I am at. I’m in a place of pain and fear being with this however long it takes for old ways of being to die. What happens is my triggers show up which for me show up as reactionary anger which as I’ve shared in other posts, is really just my abject terror. Pure fear. Protection.
I got yesterday I have been subconsciously playing the game of trigger/attack. We’re all always playing conscious or unconscious games we either ‘win’ or ‘lose’. I realized this was my unconscious game that I was ‘winning’. The game of ‘protection where I use my hurt to hurt others. Feeling justified with lashing out at others because of my pain and fear. It doesn’t work. I’m not being attacked. I’m safe. No one is out to get me, I’m surrounded by love. I have lost intimacy with this habit of protect, defend, attack. When I say feeling justified it was like completely letting my fear take over. Why? I realized with no relationship to my fear, of course it will continue to do that. I’m not striving for perfection, I am human, I am creating a clearing for who I know myself to be and how I have not given myself the space to show up. In relating to my fear, getting intimate with it I get to allow it and practice minimizing the effect of my reactions. Meaning, not lashing out or doing over the top actions as in domination, avoidance or any other fear action that has dire consequences and may show up like raging.
I felt myself electric yesterday, fear, rage, pain all at once felt like electricity to me. There must be something old trying to come forward into my sight to be healed. So I recognized the electricity yesterday. I recognized the triggered feeling. I got personal with it. I got to see it was all me, not outside of me that it was going on. I got present to what was under the protective anger, the deep pain of my ways of being that hurt others and that hurt me.
In this relating with fear, reading this article I found so perfect and supportive of where I am right now. I decided to take it on. I wanted to know this feeling. I have had it like it would take me forever to do a headstand. I wanted to know the proper technique so I didn’t hurt myself. I found this amazing instructor on YouTube:
With my own modifications – I used a wall, I didn’t walk my toes up- I did it! I felt what the writer had expressed, that terror. For me fear is a protector from death, so it shows up like ‘OMG don’t do that! We’re going to die! I don’t want to die! Ahhh!’ In almost every single situation. I am so run by fear I have gotten aware of. Variations like that. It’s not what I tell myself, it is a reaction. I feel the quickening in my body, the fear in my chest, my senses become super sharp, my eyes dart, my heartbeat quickens, sometimes body trembling. Being able to face this and teach myself this very bizarre position that is just not something I am used to every day is safe, has been so huge for me! So amazing.
I am teaching myself I am safe. I am listening to my fear with gratitude. I am learning to be with my fear with love and acceptance and caring. Listening to what my fear has to say and being with that. Going deeper into where did this come from, what’s really present for me. Getting responsible. That is vital. Getting so responsible for how I am showing up and have been showing up in my life. And loving myself. Just keep loving myself. I am teaching myself I am safe by allowing fear to be safe to be with. In all of this I am also learning to trust myself. I like how this author says:
I like how the author Laura Samper G. says:
“Fear can take many forms, but the more I observe it, the more it speaks to me with love, and it manifests as a green light, a flag that points to the direction I should follow. Fear is a good friend when you get to know it.”
I love this. As I am making fear my friend to me personally it shows up as a red light/green light: “Stop. OK, now come this way.”
Being with it, being present. When I was in my avoidance of fear I noticed how much I had been avoiding life itself by not being present. By being disconnected with reality. As I create this intimate relationship with fear, I am becoming present in my daily life. I am starting to find treasures in myself I never knew I had. In my intimate relationship with fear I am opening to an intimate relationship with myself. I am starting to recognize who I know myself to be. One triggered moment at a time.
Day 100 of Loving Men
Shine your heart
In all of the wonder of how to be, how to connect with men there is nothing to do but be the love you are and listen with an open heart. Shine your heart, shine your love, and be kind to you. In inner kindness the love can only pour forward onto the men in your lives. It starts within. Love you, care for you, the love will be unstoppable for all those around you.
For me in self love and self kindness I am before a woman, before I’m Black and Latina, before I am an age, or sexual orientation, I am a human. My fellow humans are a part of me. Men are a part of me. In loving men I find kindness to myself. There is no wall between me and men except for the one I made up with old ways of being. I am not perfect, that is not my claim. I am perfectly imperfect in the adventure of me. I choose to keep listening, keep loving
Thank you for reading 100 Days of Loving Men! That you’ve come this far in reading shows an awareness that took me decades to recognize. My hope is that it brought some love in your life and the sight that you are the love in your life.
We are all connected. We have the power of choice and voice. How we choose to use that power is up to each of us as an individual.
Stay tuned! I will begin my next series of 100 Days:
100 Days of Loving and Celebrating Being
Thank you for reading xoxox
~We Rise, We Rise Together.
I am sharing these vital words written from a dear friend of mine. For those exploring or seeking to explore Tantra please heed these words and take care of yourself. I have personally seen the repercussions of the fallout of this:
Written by Lauren Nicole Garceau-
“Dear friends, family and community
Are you able to distinguish for yourselves what is authentic healing energy? YES you are! All of us have the ability to feel for when we are in an authentic healing situation.
There is rampant situations here on fb, as with all areas in all social media, where people are stepping into the sexuality and emotional vulnerabilities of others, masked often by illusions of self declared healers. These representations are often called …light workers, healers, life coaches and the top number one is the rampant and growing online seminars of the TANTRIC healers. People with no formal education representing themselves and inserting themselves in your most intimate lives.
The possibility of an ending with painful cyber infiltration into our homes, bedrooms and outer community can have serious results ending in serious damage. There are many men and women who have had social network cyber trauma.
When these humans take the position of leader who have greater knowledge as spiritualists, sexual guides etc, these humans hold themselves safely in a place of control.
Everyone’s path is a healing path and very often what is a very blessed situation can be a situation of inauthenticity. There are many here on fb un credentialed and self declared. Often these are the very ones who are in the highest need for their own healing transformation.
There is also a big industry in workshops that are rampantly being offered.
So YES, my dear friends you can listen to your instincts and practice self care by asking questions that will help identify a healthy wonderful authentic situation from
one that is simply unhealthy.
Practice self care and trust your own ability to know your feelings, needs and requests.
Please take care of you and trust yourself and your instincts. If it feels off, trust that.