My latest video- Charnel Ground: PTSD & Sitting In Hell

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Life is in these few seconds.

Life shifts in a few seconds. The choices I make in those few seconds between an event and my reaction create the movie I live. The microcosm in the macrocosm of my process all comes down to a few seconds. Life is in these few seconds.

Colour Illustration

Charnel Ground

I am on charnel ground. A place very few speak about, for it terrifies the anatomy to sight. An unrecognized sight in a society of normalized numbness. To connect with the body is wealth. The body poverty fed in disconnect I resist as I sit deep in this sacred ground, this undisguised purity calling me to be with mine.

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Listening To The Body: Pain

I don’t believe pain should be used for correction. When we use pain to correct a child’s behavior I believe it creates an abnormal relationship to pain and may even turn pain into a fetish. I see pain as very important and healthy, it is the body speaking saying ‘Something has happened or is happening, something is not right, please listen to me’.
 
Using pain as correction either in childhood or adulthood, ether physically or emotionally, I feel can support muting the voice of pain in the body. If pain is used to correct, it is no longer a language of the body to be heard, but rather an experience to avoid and mute out. This can be dangerous. Pain is not bad, it is the voice of the body calling us to check in, same with emotional pain I feel. Pain is not the issue it is the relationship with pain or lack thereof that can cause issues. Pain is the body’s gift to remind of safety and to check in with health.
 
Being present with and listening to pain, having a mindful relationship with pain, is a vital part of health. The relationship with pain I don’t believe needs to be so scary, but rather a call for health.
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‘Respect My Pain’: When Trauma Becomes Domination

There have been times in my life where I came from this space, albeit unconsciously, where I was using my pain as a form of hiding and domination. Rather than going into my pain to listen, learn and heal, I wrapped myself up in a cloak of pain to be ‘right’ about it. What I mean by being ‘right’ about my pain was that because it was my pain it was something that I could be a self declared authority over. In this, no matter how someone came forward and tried to support me seeing a path out of my pain and into self care, self love and joy, I could always shut them down because ‘How could you know what I have gone through?’. I could then prostrate and demand respect for my position of pain and feel completely justified in shutting down the voices of healthy people coming to me with love and reminding me of my innate power and joy. I could then stand atop my victim mentality mountain and slay whoever came to me trying to show me a path to freedom from the suffering and turmoil I was cycling. For, how dare they not respect my pain? With that mentality anyone who came to me with love was a villain and I the hero.

This was an addiction. Painful things happen in life, no one is alone in this, no one is extraordinary in this. I certainly was not extraordinary for feeling pain, though I seemed to be telling myself I was. I was using my trauma as a way to feel extraordinary- this is backwards. It was the trauma that was calling me as an alarm clock to remember my innate being, the trauma itself was not my innate being. To confuse the alarm as ‘the way’, was stunting for me. To wear my trauma as a medal did not work. Pain is not wrong or bad, it is a call for self care. It is a necessesary emotion and when felt can even be a beautiful experience of self care. When wallowed in, it can become an addictive cycle. For me when I felt the pain but could not move on from it nor find actions rooted in self care, I had become addicted. Feeling pain, truly feeling it with intent to move through, transmutes into a deep body connect and connection with innate joy and love that is always present and easily accessed when allowed. If I’m not allowing myself to move through and into the love and joy, I have become addicted to the cycle of pain and whatever I’m getting out of it. I saw that I had become addicted to the attention I got when I played victim- victim currency. I had become obsessed with receiving the ‘poor you’ and ‘look how strong you are!’ when I played victim.

An addict never wants to know they are an addict. So when people came to me and were a stand for me to be free from my own suffering and addicted cycles of pain, I lashed out at them from my victim mountain. And self righteously shamed them with ‘you have no idea what this feels like how dare you question my victimhood!’, in so many words. Think about that, I lashed out at the people who came to me with love, who were standing for me to be free from my self abusive pain cycling. I was so addicted to my pain cycles it was gluttonous. I was abusing pain. Pain is not meant to be lassoed like that and harnessed, it is meant to be free to move through and move on until it’s next visit. It was like I was holding pain hostage against it’s will and purpose. And since the pain was my own feeling, a part of my own experience, I was holding myself hostage against my own true will and purpose. Fighting to stay away from my heart and my own love in the process. For, if I were to meet my own heart, I would have to let the pain process go. I would have to allow myself to be free and present to my innate joy. I would be able to see those who loved me who were inviting me out into the sun to enjoy the world with them, to enjoy the world with myself. If I were to meet my own heart, I would have to be present to the real beauty of life and place down my addictive shackles. And so I did. Because I’m worth it.

I don’t have to respect a persons pain, that is not compassion that is enabling. I respect the person themselves as I respect myself. To me respect means seeing each human being as powerful and capable of choosing. Even if it is the addiction they choose. I’m not here to enable, I am here to stand in knowing love. From my own self care, I trust each persons journey and trust myself to not enable

Nurturing

I believe a lot of the conversations I have hurt myself with I may have had an innocent need to be seen. My little girl with heart open asking to be seen. I do not fault this, it is a human desire, I just look now at where perhaps that is not self care for me. I look to see where I am unconsicously carrying this unmet need as pain. I look for the root of this aching need, what it looks like to nurture this in myself.

Do you nurture your needs?

Painting by unknown artist

Humans are Angels

I stood at the beach with tears. My long white dress flowing in the wind as I looked across the ocean at the sunset. I cried to God to take away my pain. I stood wanting to fall on my knees with the weight as my tears streamed. Across the way I saw a bright light come across the ocean. I felt Angels behind me. The ocean parted and the large white light was an Angel coming towards me. I walked across the ocean floor, wet sand, all the oceans creatures in the waves standing tall on either side moving and rippling gently. The Angel took my hand and we kept walking comfortably until we reached a cliff. I looked down. It seemed like miles to the bottom. The Angel said:
 
“If you were to try to go down there without the ocean waves, you would die.”
 
Then the waves came close around us, I felt anxious for a minute and we were engulfed. My eyes were wide with panic, the Angel smiled and said ‘Breathe’. I did and I found I could breathe underwater. The Angel smiled and dove with my hand in theirs. We were swimming to the bottom for what felt like forever. We reached the bottom and the bright light of the Angel made it so I could see in the bubble of light around us.
 
I looked around me in awe as I stood at the actual bottom of the ocean floor. A long snake like fish swam around along with beautiful fish I could have never dreamed of. But they were both so beautiful to me as I had never seen either before. And so the monster was just as beautiful as the gorgeous fish and did not feel very scary though I felt it’s power. Both of their power. They each felt different and both were both potently and equally beautiful to me in my eyes. Absolute awe.
 
“Down here there are monsters and miracles,” The Angel said, “Neither could you reach without the wave. So it is with pain. You humans have this aversion to pain but don’t you see sweet one, this is the very vehicle that allows you to witness the horror and the miracle in a way that you could not otherwise. Without pain as a vehicle, you would die. If you try to make the leap down here without riding the wave of pain, you will not make it. To deny the pain and leap, is certain death. And so, embrace the pain, do not deny it. As it will take you down to where you need to go, it will carry you if you let it. The wave is strong it is powerful and it also soothes, is gentle and will leave you weightless. When you reach here the ocean floor, you will have the dearest moments of seeing the beauty of it all. And so you will. Until the wave brings you back onto the shore to enjoy the sun, to go for a playful swim, to lay on the beach entirely. This is the gift of pain.”
 
I smiled. I then saw myself surrounded by other Angels here on the ocean floor, making a circle around me. They lifted their wings high underwater and I gasped at the brilliant sight. Then, once again like what had happened before, the wings appeared on my own back and I began to cry.
 
“You are worthy of your own wings. Don’t forget, every human is an Angel as well. You are an Angel, you are worthy of your Divinity. You all are.”
 
I didn’t sink to my knees in disbelief and pain this time around. I stayed on my feet and could embrace what they said a bit better. I say they as it felt like even though only one Angel was speaking to me, it felt as if they were all saying it. So I stood there at the bottom of the ocean floor. Embracing my humanity, embracing my Divinity and here I felt the love of me. In this embracement, I touched the love of who I am.