I’m not afraid to say I love men. I do. I’m not threatened by any narrative that would denounce that. I lived it. I did the work to free myself from that mindset & my life changed in the most beautiful ways.
To me self love it all comes back to. Those equipped can keep educating all of us on how to best live in harmony with our planet and also, remember, we are the planet too. If we are not in harmony with ourselves, if we cannot love self, no way are we going to be able to understand we matter enough that we impact our planet.
Being kind to the Earth means also being kind to self.
Do I believe people want peace? No. Not beyond the superficial self aggrandizing ego patting conversations. Because peace takes self responsibility & self responsibility means being honest with self, & everyone wants to see themselves as the hero not the villain.
If I deny my shadow I deny myself my own love, I deny myself my own recognition of self as powerful creator. How could there possibly be peace if I deny my impact? I would much rather continue to challenge myself to embrace self responsibility. That is my peace.
In conversations for simplicity I say ‘Yes, I was a sex worker’. Though it is not my identity. I have been and always will be: Kristal. No less, no more, just me. Not a fantasy, just me.
I could go on to explain why I was in the sex industry and at the end of the day, I have done that enough and it doesn’t matter. The ‘Why’ doesn’t matter so much anymore as that will always be interpreted in a myriad of ways. The reality is there is an impact. I had an impact on others and people feeding the sex industry and pornography machine had an impact on me.
When I didn’t make as much money because I felt bad about asking for lap dances in the club or for upcharging as an escort I took that on as I was broken, or the times I didn’t make money it was because I was ugly or I needed a boob job. I used the sex industry as a basis for what was ‘normal’ and I fell short. The shame was reflected back to me.
There is an impact when the sex industry is embraced as normality.
When I speak up about the impact of the sex industry/pornography I am most often met with defense. I will keep talking about it, however. I am not ‘anti-porn’ as to me that is the same conversation of ‘pro-porn’ because it feeds shame and shame is, after all, what keeps the sex industry alive.
There is a very real impact of perpetuated pain, addiction, and self loathing that the sex industry keeps alive. I know because I was a part of it. I both dealt and received pain and I had to numb myself with alcohol and lie to myself to stay in it.
There is a sort of despair that I notice comes up for people who actually can hear the impact of the sex industry/porn yet feel lost without it. I believe this is often the same despair that often fuels the defense of the industry. Which brings me great sadness. We are so used to the pacifier of the sex industry we have forgotten that we hold wisdom within. There is no wisdom in the sex industry. Everything I ‘learned’ there I could have found with meditation without the wounding.