The Impact Of The Sex Industry Embraced As ‘Normal’

In conversations for simplicity I say ‘Yes, I was a sex worker’. Though it is not my identity. I have been and always will be: Kristal. No less, no more, just me. Not a fantasy, just me.

I could go on to explain why I was in the sex industry and at the end of the day, I have done that enough and it doesn’t matter. The ‘Why’ doesn’t matter so much anymore as that will always be interpreted in a myriad of ways. The reality is there is an impact. I had an impact on others and people feeding the sex industry and pornography machine had an impact on me.

When I didn’t make as much money because I felt bad about asking for lap dances in the club or for upcharging as an escort I took that on as I was broken, or the times I didn’t make money it was because I was ugly or I needed a boob job. I used the sex industry as a basis for what was ‘normal’ and I fell short. The shame was reflected back to me.

There is an impact when the sex industry is embraced as normality.



Speaking Up About The Sex Industry

When I speak up about the impact of the sex industry/pornography I am most often met with defense. I will keep talking about it, however. I am not ‘anti-porn’ as to me that is the same conversation of ‘pro-porn’ because it feeds shame and shame is, after all, what keeps the sex industry alive.

There is a very real impact of perpetuated pain, addiction, and self loathing that the sex industry keeps alive. I know because I was a part of it. I both dealt and received pain and I had to numb myself with alcohol and lie to myself to stay in it.

There is a sort of despair that I notice comes up for people who actually can hear the impact of the sex industry/porn yet feel lost without it. I believe this is often the same despair that often fuels the defense of the industry. Which brings me great sadness. We are so used to the pacifier of the sex industry we have forgotten that we hold wisdom within. There is no wisdom in the sex industry. Everything I ‘learned’ there I could have found with meditation without the wounding.

The Bravado of Avoiding Self Responsibility In Our Conversations Of Men

In today’s video on my YouTube Show Celebrating The Love of Being, titled ‘The Unconsciousness of “I love men, as long as they…”‘ [See video below ] I briefly touch on the bravado of self avoidance. Avoiding self responsibility is not ’empowerment’ but rather the bravado of not being responsible. This is a conversation that is present across the gender line and in this conversation I will speak about the unconscious bravado aimed at men.

Unfortunately, I am seeing under the guise of ‘female empowerment’ the bravado of avoiding self responsibility in relating with and having conversations about men and self. It is not ‘female empowerment’ to not be responsible for my listening of men and respecting a man’s ‘No’. For I must be responsible for listening to my own needs. And if I recognize my needs are important, how could I shame men for sharing their needs are important?

It is not ‘female empowerment’ to use defensive bravado as a way to hide from the fact that I am not listening to a man’s voice and am in fact shaming men for speaking up about their needs. This experience is not only under the precise conversation of ‘female empowerment’ it is also in any avenue where bravado can be confused as a woman using her voice ‘powerfully’ when in fact shaming of men is happening.

The bravado that is the basis of shaming men and the conversations of denigration aimed at men is in fact self avoidance. It can be uncomfortable to listen and look when a man says, ‘No’ to how they are being approached, being represented, objectified, demanded of and manipulated. I recognize that often this can be unconscious these actions aimed at men and yet, it is up to me to look and listen when a man points them out to me. I understand that facing my unconsciousness with men and with anyone is very uncomfortable.

However, in a society that is very quick to dismiss the unconsciousness and denigrating conversations and actions aimed towards men while also confusing and conflating this abuse of men as ‘female empowerment’ or ‘a strong woman’ I must absolutely be vigilant lest I allow myself to excuse my unconsciousness towards men. In a society where my self avoidance bravado of shutting down my listening down towards men is celebrated by a sleeping society, it is my responsibility to keep checking my own awareness of this. In this society it is easy to get swept away in the drunken acceptance of praise for being reckless and harmful towards men, I did before in my own unconsciousness. And this is why it takes hard work to look and question this self avoidance bravado cloaked as ‘female empowerment’ or it’s ‘a strong woman’ who speaks abusively towards men or shuts down a man’s voice. That is not ’empowerment’ that is inferiority parading about pretending ‘superiority’. I am very clear I am inferior to no one and that is why I choose to not to pretend I am superior either. There are actual powerful, vital and even beautiful conversations being had that support women in society and this bravado is not a part of this. Anything that is actually based on being hurtful and dismissive towards men is a masquerade of the real conversations that are important for women. Shaming men is not ‘female empowerment’. I choose to not entertain that myth.

To me there is nothing ‘strong’ about shutting down the voice of another. Such a desire to me is Fear baffled by the confrontation of the call to self responsibility. What is missed, is self responsibility is another way to recognize myself as a powerful being. Not powerful in the sense of domination as that is not power, powerful in a sense of recognizing the beauty of my being and in this recognizing the beauty of the being before me and that we are both important, not just me.

Welcome To My Laboratory

Totally in inner-Scientist mode. Welcome to my laboratory.

My laboratory is not of beakers and measurements (though that stuff is super cool too), mine is one of heart, mind, body, soul and all that of which I do not know.

Serums, elixirs, unconsciousness mixing with the breath of presence and into explosions of awareness, shiny things, much pressing to see ‘what does this button do?’ and bracing myself for the inevitable dive into the human experiment of deep unconsciousness.

How else can I truly live and be alive if I do not test my own limitations, self conversation and my own habits in the laboratory of my own being?

Art by Travis Bedel

I started to question: ‘What was insecurity really?…

I had started to question what was ‘insecurity’ really? Was ‘insecure’ a shadow aspect I was not embracing? A personal hidden make wrong on self?

I started to question my own definition and experience of ‘insecure’. This morning listening to a Pema Chodron audio book-who is incredible to listen to-she happened to share she heard someone define:
‘Insecurity is ego’s take on wide opened, unfettered space and we find that [wide opened, unfettered space] uncomfortable.’

Which to me, this definition brings in such a cool new aspect in the convo. I define this wide opened unfettered space as absolute pure possibility. Perhaps in that it is the very essence of life itself! Being with possibility to me is presence or rather, simply being. So, to me ‘insecurity’ is not what I thought. Insecurity is not a story about myself that I needed to debunk. So much bigger beyond the story of having to have a story to fix. But rather, recognizing my discomfort with wide opened, unfettered pace. Now I’m seeing ‘insecurity’ as resistance to impermanence, unfettered space, which to me is- My resistance to possibility. Now it seems ‘insecurity’ may also be any resistance to aliveness!!

So, being in-security is being in the distressing illusion of permanence which is resistance to unlimited possibility! Rather than when, what I had called ‘insecurity’ came up, I had interpreted that as there was some part of me lacking. God this feels refreshing!

For me permanence and security in the sense of having reliability in primary aspects of life such as a place to live, safety for me and mine, and things of this nature are absolutely necessary and vital. And, in my experience, this is not the opposite of ‘insecurity’.

So, let’s say I do address my original definition/story of ‘insecurity’ as me ‘lacking’, as I am so sure that story will come up again at some point lol I am realizing the basis of that experience of ‘insecurity’ is comparison. However, comparison is also not an issue. I now see that different does not mean ‘lacking’ in me, as I shared, I had defined insecurity as ‘lacking’ something. Which with this new experience of ‘insecurity’ I am finally getting that story of ‘lacking’ is just that- a story! Which my god if I bring that to my activism conversations and my judgments that creates a cool new possibility in how I see people!

And, to even not resist lacking lol, where I may be ‘lacking’ it is only to give fuel to my strengths. And should I decide there was something of ‘lack’ that required integrity then I will practice it as integrity while practicing self compassion rather than reprimand. Slowly, gently discovering the self tenderness of growth.

Returning to the conversation of ‘in-security’, resisting that powerful birth place of possibility-which is impermanence- is the very thing that rips me out of the present!

As a human, I have every habit established to not be present lol Rather than resist this and make myself wrong, because I will actually mostly not be present in life, I wonder, what would it look like to practice expanding just a tiny bit of presence? No push to ‘perfect’ -which to me was part of my previous understanding of ‘insecurity’- just an embracement and acknowledgement of what is, where I am now, in a playfulness with possibility.