Mindfulness Is Not Just A Word To Me.

Mindfulness is not just a word to me. Presence with my emotions is for me, health. I felt the familiar quake of fear in my body. I became aware of my habit to not face the fear, to constrict my body and in this perpetuate rather than allow the fear. I have found fear is a door, waiting to be faced, waiting to be opened. I sat with my fear. I felt it. What followed was pain. I felt it. As I allowed my pain, an overwhelming beauty showed up, overwhelming allowance of love. Tears poured.

Then I felt it come, like a thick cloud over my mind. Here was anger. I felt my body like a case of love. I allowed the embodiment of my anger to show up within me, within this case. I watched her. I let her speak in me throwing her rage outside. I watched her, being careful not to enroll and not to push her away. When she was done raging outside, she turned her anger at me. I imagined a protective coat of love between her and my heart to not take on what she was saying, still not rejecting her, listening. Then I put my hands on her arms and asked, ‘What do you want me to hear?’

Fear came up wide in her eyes, she screamed without words, she fell into a fetal position and whimpered, then rose. I put my hands on her arms again and she said,

‘I love you’.

I sobbed. I placed my hand on my heart and my belly and said,

‘I love you too. I love me.’

She smiled, laughed bewildered that I could love her showing up as she did, I said I love you especially because you showed up how you did. I let her know how much I loved every bit about her. She smiled and suddenly there were flowers in her wild hair. She sat bopping up and down, then finally waved to go off and play. Knowing she is loved. Knowing I would be here to hold space for her again.

I met my fear, went face to face with the door and instead of huddling by the foot of the door and continuing to shake, this time I opened it.

depositphotos_35905745-stock-photo-open-door-and-a-winter (2)


I Release Myself, I Am Free.

I release myself from
The unconscious pain that was placed onto me
From the wounds of those who did not know they bled

I release myself from the unconscious pain I placed onto myself
For I did what I knew and
It was the best I could have possibly done

I have placed myself, prostrated,
At the feet of those I have unconsciously hurt
I apologize to the many I will never see again
Those who will never hear my regret

For years I have done penance
I have felt their pain in my own body,
Screaming through my veins
I kept their pain alive in me to teach myself the impact and repercussions of my actions
I have received, recognized and grown from their pain
And I release myself.

I honor where I am and the stream of life
Which I chose to bring me here

And so,
I am getting up from kneeling on the cobblestones

I release myself.

I am free.


Poem by me, photo artist unknown.

Unhooking From The Violence Of Victim Narratives

Sometimes we can get so hooked on victim narratives that we enroll others in victim narratives. In comes the savior to destroy, even those who are benign. When we are in a blind ‘justified’ rage we cut even those who are aligned with us and even those who love us. Is it worth it? For what? The rush of feeling righteous anger? Righteous anger is important, yes, it has its place to challenge blindspots. Yet when it is activated from the space of the ‘savior’ archetype we have a duty to be mindful that this is happening. Or we will find our loved ones in the fallout. The ‘savior’ is a hiding mechanism, I would rather share awareness and open conversation with the intent of living in possibility.
When justified righteous rage is misused and abused for faulty purposes, or to support our hateful stories of each other, even stories we are ‘so sure are true’, what are we really seeking? What drives this shadow tribalism to protect even at the expense of our relationship with people? Tribalism to me is powerful in that it creates community, there are times when yes protection is necessary, it creates a functioning society and interdependence and more. Yet tribalism has a shadow side as well that fosters codependence, violent independence, destroys human connection, feeds paranoia and so forth. The shadow side of tribalism begs consciousness.
What drives this desire to ostracize as punishment and to dominate? When I ask myself this what comes up for me is pain. There is deep unmet pain there and often times fear of loss. In that sense, the rage can be an avoidance and in this, the rage can be an addiction, chasing a high to not face reality. Again, there are times where rage is vital and anger can be a beautifully powerful and important ‘No’ to injustice. I would never shun anger and rage as it is powerful and necessary in the stand for clarity, love and human connection. While I do not limit anger as the only way of communication, I honor it as one of the many important ways to create a clearing for change.
And there are times when rage and anger are misused to hide rather than break free. To restrict rather than expand. To silence rather than challenge. To keep from having a relationship with pain and fear that is calling me to accept and love myself.
I know I have work to do on this and making this distinction for myself between righteous anger with the purpose of expansion of possibility and the setting of necessary boundaries versus anger used to hide, restrict and kill off possibility.
Are you conscientious to be mindful when anger is authentic or do you hurt those you love to stand in your addiction to rage and avoidance of pain? I don’t do physical violence, I keep my hands to myself and personally, I don’t think I can ever be so conscious as to never emotionally hurt anyone ever in my life. That’s not humanly possible and that is just another mechanism to hide aka perfectionism. What I can do is my own work to face the abuser in me and support my own health by being aware of when I misuse the sacred emotion of anger.
I can be gentle and kind to myself and compassionate with myself with awareness to see when the rage is guiding me to hold my inner child with tenderness. When my anger is a call to love myself relentlessly and challenge any stories I hold that tell me I cannot, that tell me I am not worth it. I can hold myself as sacred and precious and acknowledge I am doing my best always to come from my heart. I can be aware when I falter, and get up and try again. Which is life’s practice, which is why I am here, to remember who I am. To remember I am love.
I choose to do my work to unhook from the violence of victim narratives and stand in my self responsibility of self love, self care, self compassion and self tenderness. The way I learn to hold myself with care, is the way I learn to listen to you. The most powerful form of activism is self love and the most powerful form advocacy is self care. This is the root of change, starting with doing the work within me as I am a part of the whole. Community begins to heal with the work of one.

Self Love Is The Truth

Self-loathing is a lie and self-love is the truth. So many stories accumulated through life from society, from bullies, unconsciously even from loved ones during fights and those created by self. However, what is so cool about it all is, it is always a choice what to take on. Seeing these are stories and not the only ones.

There are nurturing stories also accumulated through life, from society, yes even from bullies, and deeply from loved ones and self.

Society doesn’t have all the answers, it’s just an accumulation of evolution and tradition finding its way. It is both benign and malignant because humanity is both. It is just an expression of ideas constantly evolving with no filter. This is what makes social expression alive and what begs social expression be challenged.

Bullies, while I am very clear in my boundaries that I do not have to take hate on, as the musician hears the space between the notes, so do the bullies accent the space between their pain dealing. The space between, that peace, is the space they do not allow themselves and so they project what they allow- pain. They live their pain dealing, every day, they give this to themselves.

Loved ones, well we fight, we love, we connect deeper through it all. Transmuting, evolving. That is love, there is no space for perfection in love.

Self, choosing which stories to live by, that is where the compassion and power is for me. Facing the reality that, I get to choose what I keep. I get to choose to really understand, more and more each time I meet with my dragons, that I get to choose. My shadow shows me all of it plain as day. Gives me wings to take a good sky view of it all. And I get to see the absurdity in its raw form. I get to see all self-loathing stories are lies. Very simple. Very clear. And the only truth is love. That does not mean I hide from the uncomfortable truths about me my shadow shows me, it means I do not get to use that to hurt myself. Rather, I get to use it as an awareness, I get to use that to grow, self care, choose the path of integrity and self love.

Not perfection, as a human there will always be the challenge of choosing between self love and self loathing. And, giving myself the compassion to allow myself to choose the truth, not the lie. And giving myself the compassion to be patient and understanding with myself as I practice.

Self loathing is a lie and self love is the truth. This is how I practice the integrity of self love and self care.

My heart knows, I am worthy and so I listen.


Relating With Fear: From Bravado To Trust

Fear often masks itself as bravado- false confidence. While I understand its purpose, I’ve touched on bravado, I find myself expanding beyond this self protection. For me I would rather dive deep into the waters of my fear from a space of exploration. Not stay long, just be present with the visit. Create a relationship with my fear so that I can be present with what it is telling me when it comes up. For me this is how I allow fear to take its path and transmute. Fear can show me a lot about myself. I used to run from looking at fear. Now I know facing my fear gently, allowing vulnerability in my relationship with fear, this is my self care. This is my trust.