Kickstarter for my book ‘#100DaysOfLovingMen : A Woman’s Journey Into Recovery’ is now LIVE!

Kickstarter for my book ‘#100DaysOfLovingMen : A Woman’s Journey Into Recovery’ is now LIVE!:
 
 
For those who have expressed interest in seeing this conversation out in the world, please consider investing in making this Kickstarter campaign a success! Thank you in advance for your generosity and support in making this book a reality!
 
Please share with all those who you feel would also be interested in seeing this book come to fruition! Thank you!
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Being ‘right’ doesn’t make me happy…

I used to think being ‘right’ made me happy. Now I see that I confused what I thought was happiness with a high. Being ‘right’ doesn’t make me happy or bring me joy, it’s a sadistic high that I feel. Nothing necessarily wrong with that either it’s just being honest with myself about what I’m doing and what I’m choosing in the moment. With a high comes the come down and for me it’s not pretty. The righteous high comes at a cost to me. The come down is rough, the fiending for the next dose to alleviate the inner backlash is blinding. Fighting through the addiction to see what is it that nurtures me and do I dare be it?

Love has a high, however, to me that can expand into deeper connection. Like a thread sewing together. It has a substance that the righteous high does not, a foundation it seems like to me, potential to create a bond, trust, vulnerability, it eventually grounds itself in reality and then builds itself from there. The love high has its own failsafe, illusion busting written in its composition with a call to grounding and deepening in self sight in my experience.

Exploring the highs in life. Nothing wrong, even righteousness has its time. Like anything, righteousness in its excess becomes a painful addiction with a high cost to self care, self kindness and my health.

Being what nurtures me is an important selfishness.

Mindful Eating, Healthy Living

For those who do not know, the past 3 months have been very challenging for me. I have a tendency to underplay my challenges, I’m not going to do that here. I had a hard time breathing nearly every day dealing with acid reflux and could barely eat. I was put on medication. I put myself on a very strict diet of potatoes, egg whites, boiled chicken, boiled beets, ground turkey and lettuce with no seasoning at all including salt. Do not do this. It’s not a healthy choice for people. I do not recommend it as a diet. Can’t stress that enough. It could cause complicatioins and major health issues. For me it was a healthy self care choice considering the other option was restricted breathing due to high acid and ending up in the ER.

Without going into too much detail, after 2 and a half months of many doctors and ER visits the source of my agony was found. My gallbladder. About 2 weeks ago I had surgery and my gallbladder removed and I’ve been healing since.

Today this meal I’m sharing is the first full well rounded real meal I have had in 3 months.

When I was exhausted, worn out and just devastated with what I’ve been dealing with the past 3 months a sweet random message from a friend meant the world to me❤

And the real thing here is, I prayed for all of this! I was overweight to the point of being pre-diabeitc and having high cholesterol and I prayed ‘God, please help me lose weight, get fit, healthy and help me with my food addiction’ and then boom! This happened! It’s amazing how I really get what I ask for and how well taken care of I am by the Universe. It was like I had to get sick to get healthy. I’m no longer prediabetic nor do I have high cholesterol.

What opened up for me too was a brand new appreciation for the tastes of food on their own flavor! Oh my god. The taste of this succulent salmon in it’s own fats, the taste of fresh pan seared spinach oh my god wow! I added fat free feta and one of my favorite fruits, grapes.

As I was savoring the crispness of the fish skin fried in nothing but it’s own flavor and the freshness of the salmon meat, oh my god I put my chopsticks down and was so hit by this moment so filled with gratitude my eyes filled with tears and I began to cry. Just so filled with gratitude my heart just swelling with this moment.

I’m grateful for all of it. Every agony. Every trial. This experience has shifted my view on health, food, self love, self care in ways that I never expected to actually happen for me. What appeared as at first ‘why me?’ really was a prayer answered and a dream fulfilled. This experience has shifted my view on life in ways I’m not sure I’m fully conscious of yet and I am thrilled as I am grateful.

Everything I have been experiencing just continues to bring me back to the simplicity of life and the deep richness of simplicity, the mighty language more powerful than human thought, that which is hard for me to word beyond the thick presence of life in the wind and the restless silence yet music of presence.

All that I need is between me and the trees.

There is nothing to forgive

The wisdom of a friend shines through in these conversations of racism sharing with me those who speak such things they cannot help themselves, my soul family shares they know not what they do and my mothers voice pierces through the veil, there is nothing to forgive. I am left in tears of surrender.

So to be abundantly clear here, this does not mean I do not forgive or do not believe in the process of forgiveness. Of course I do. To me this touches a very specific place in me when my mother says these words that is hard to put into words as it is a feeling. Forgiveness is an important practice for me and these words touch something that is transformative to me. Can’t word it yet.

One of the sneakiest things I can tell myself is when I say the hate is ‘over there’ and not within me. Such a conversation is a division in me that creates myself as merciful and another as devil. When in reality I am both. It is all within me and I divide myself from humanity if I cannot own I am part of the hate in this world. I belong.

Y así vamos

Montada encima de un elefanteQue me guía en el paseo abierto especialmente para mí 

Con fe me dejo llevar hasta el final de mi alma que suplica mi sonrisa 

Monto de luto de lo que no puedo ver 

Arrojar todo lo que no está destinado a ser 

Y todo lo que ha cambiado su presencia 

Todo por el bien de libertad

Siento mi ser se eleva, siento mis dolores de corazón en su tramo,

Come mi corazón se expande al amor

Pido a mis guías que me mostra

Pido su ayuda

Siento el campo abierto delante de mí

Y así vamos 

*******
Riding on the back of an Elephant

Who guides me onto path opened especially for me

With faith I let myself be taken until the end of my soul which begs my smile

I ride in mourning of all I cannot see

Releasing all that is not meant to be

And all that has shifted its presence

All for the sake of liberty

I feel my being rise, I feel the aches of my heart as it stretches,

As it expands for love

I pray to my guides to show me

I ask for their help

I feel the open field before me

And so we go


Writing by me

Photo by unknown, black and white modification by me