Triumph.

What’s present for me is the exploration of diving deeper into self care. Allowing myself to step further on this already present journey, into layers I had not dared touch with love. I sit it in the strength of self trust which is powerfully present and gently present for me. Delving deeper into self listening what I am finding are more questions, as there will always be, and more curiosity toward challenging what I have known and bringing this to light in triumph. Smiling I surrender to relentless self love. It feels like a fresh breeze through my heart and soul.

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THE EVOLUTION OF A DOMINATRIX

BDSM is not necessary. I will tell you why. What I am about to share is based on my personal experience and I am speaking solely for myself. I am not coming from a space of judgment on what others choose. I was a Professional and personal Dominatrix for a total of 13 years. I also was a submissive and Switch. A Switch is someone who is both Dom and sub.
This is what I have found for myself.
After over a decade of being in BDSM it no longer touched any passion in me. I became bored with BDSM. This is not a statement of arrogance, this is a statement of real experience. Not bored in the sense that some may think, that I desired – and in so required – something more intense. No. I recognized that what lit my passion came from the heart and presence. Love and presence. Not just in romantic engagement, in life itself.
With self work and expanding my self care through meditation, I found that what I had been seeking all along was myself. I realized when I sought BDSM I was seeking my own love, seeking to connect with my own body and seeking to surrender to a higher power or what others may call higher or authentic self.
It dawned on me that every single reason I had supported BDSM, actually had nothing to do with BDSM and could be accessed without ever even touching on BDSM.
I had supported BDSM because I thought since it seemed like I had re-awakened connection in my body, which I had disconnected from because of trauma, then BDSM must be beneficial. This was a misinterpretation. What I seemed to have awakened in my body was a hypersensitivity reacting to the pain. There are kind ways to reconnect with the body rather than misuse pain to force a hyper-connection from retraumatization. Trying to use pain to connect with the body is the shadow side of ‘body connect’ which is not the root of body connect it can actually create more disconnect through hypersensitivity. This is not to say that a person who is hypersensitive is disconnected from their body. Every person’s sensitivity is unique and there are biological reasons beyond trauma for sensitivity including the makeup of each individual’s central nervous system.
What I am saying is in my experience forcing hypersensitivity through the misconception that this forcing is ‘body connect’ can hinder and repulse authentic body connection because of the process of retraumatization. If you are being caned, you will connect with your body but it will not be a sustainable body connect, it will be your body reacting out of survival. The impact will be there, however, the full impact will be there and that includes teaching the body to stay alert rather than move into the deep body connect of relaxation. If this is still obscure think of it this way, I am speaking of the difference between punching someone in the face to leave an impact or giving them a hug. Which one do you think is most likely to create a loving basis of a relationship? It is less likely to create a trusting bond with someone right after punching them in the face. This is the same process of creating a loving basis in relating with self and body.
BDSM can also create a confusing relationship with pain itself. Pain is the body asking for attention. Physical pain alerts the mind that something is wrong and must be corrected. Emotional pain alerts the mind it is time to take care of self and listen to the pain that is present. I found that the use of BDSM can create a punishment relationship with pain. Pain is not a punishment, it is a call to awareness and self care. The feeling of pain does not exist to tell you that you are a bad person or to praise you, those are the stories our identities attach to pain to prolong its effect. Pain is simply a physiological response that is based on survival. To create a punishment relationship with pain can have the effect of learning to turn away from pain or beginning to numb out or not listen to pain. BDSM at times also uses pain as a reward or praise. Pain misused as a reward or praise does not create a supportive relationship with pain as being just a visitor that is serving its purpose to pass on. Pain is not an enemy, it is a sacred conversation of the body asking us to self care.
In Shibari, Japanese rope bondage, the rope touches on the meridian points. The misconception I held onto in supporting bondage is that bondage is a vital access to the meridian points. It is not. There are many ways to access the meridian points including acupuncture, acupressure such as reflexology and Qi gong to name a few. Qi gong which means ‘Life Energy Cultivation’, is the ancient Chinese practice of channeling Qi [Chi], life force energy. Qi gong is a practice of working with life energy and teaches ways to gently touch on the meridian points through one’s energy alone. Qi gong can be done in sacred space with self. Qi gong is a nurturing way of connecting with the body and bringing awareness to the body through presence. Body connection is important for physical, spiritual, emotional and mental health. Through body awareness we learn to be present with self and present in life. Tender loving body connection creates a friendship with the body and a friendship with self. This friendship expands to create a friendship with life and the gratitude of being alive.
Submission would be the surrender aspect of BDSM. Later in my years as a Dominatrix I realized people were not coming to submit to me, even though they insisted it was so. People were coming seeking to surrender to a higher power that was not me. That higher power seeking could be God, Source, Universe, Love, Higher Self. I was just an icon nor was I a conduit. I actually could have not been there at all. I disappeared. People were coming to surrender to themselves. A lot of rope and theatrics just to ultimately let go. Let go of the illusion of control. Take away the theatrics, surrender is simply done through meditation. Surrender can be done simply with a breath, simply with a stated intention to do so, simply through a smile. All people wanted to do was to not be in control. The reality is- we never are. You don’t need BDSM to tell you that. It’s just what is so. There are very few and minute things we can control to an extent and that all comes from self work. BDSM is a faulty bandaid at best as all the work a Dominatrix does cannot make up for the inner work that is needed to have sustainable experience of surrender and at times BDSM can actually create a wall towards true surrender.
People thought they were coming to BDSM seeking pain. No they were not. People were seeking the moments in between the pain, they were seeking the nurturing after the pain. People were seeking to be held with tenderness, to be held as precious even if for a moment and they believed they needed to suffer to be rewarded with nurturing. Well, no. You do not have to suffer to feel nurturing. You do not have to feel pain to feel release. You do not have to hurt to know kindness. What is wild is, all of the pain seeking in BDSM in my experience is actually avoidance of pain. Pain already exists to be looked at, BDSM can actually fetishize the pain so that it does not have to be dealt with. Through turning past trauma into a fantasy, it can stay a fantasy being relived parading itself in bravado. To me BDSM is a lot of bravado of not facing what needs to move on. An elaborately festooned party for trauma that is not being met. In the end, the pain must be faced in order to be free. Professional support such as therapy is crucial. Therapy is a powerful support which guides the unconsciousness into awareness. Self work is a vital aspect. Meditation and mindfulness are not just buzz words, they are life changing tools that when used from a space of humility, self kindness and authenticity can be transformational. Exploring the many ways of nurturing self care is an important commitment to health as well as self kindness.
Seeking nurturing through pain is a habit. It is often an enforced lifelong habit that when faced with tenderness can react incredulously. How could tenderness, nurturing without punishment be real? It is real. It is what is the most real in my experience. Now, of course, there is the pain of working out, the pain of not feeding an addiction. In these instances, as long as the workout is in regard to being in body awareness and not pushing to the point of harming the body, pain is showing us progress through healthy habits. The pain after a workout signals the body strengthening. The pain of the ego or inner child not getting 5 donuts can trigger things linked to such intense feelings such as abandonment feeling alone. However, this is the opportunity for self care. Therapy, for one, and self work done on one’s own as well. This is pain showing us again, where to self care.
It became clear to me that abandonment and feeling alone was the act of when I abandoned myself. Social interaction is important and is a very healthy necessity when feeling alone comes up. And, it can be easy to feel alone in a sea of people. That aloneness can only be sated by me. That feeling of abandonment, of self abandonment, was born each moment I chose inauthenticity. Each moment I chose to not self care, to not hold myself with precious love. This is not to shame myself or punish myself for not always holding myself as this, rather just a tender nudge of awareness in practicing not abandoning myself. It is inevitable I will abandon myself at times, as I am human and unconscious and yet, I can choose to face that impulse to self abandon and choose to practice not abandoning myself each time I am aware. Abandonment is defined as the action of completely surrendering oneself to a desire or an impulse. For me personally, speaking only for myself, I abandoned myself in BDSM. I do not speak that as a shaming of sexuality, lest it be misconstrued as such. I do not feel BDSM is sexuality though it finds itself presently entwined in the social conversation as such. To me, sexuality does not restrict. Nor am I shaming myself for having lived BDSM, nor am I shaming others for choosing BDSM. To each their own. I do not support my words here being misused for mob mentality of hating those who choose BDSM or shaming those who choose it.
My conversation here is to expand the conversation beyond BDSM not to create a conversation of restriction. What I am saying is BDSM is not a necessary step in the ladder. It is not even a part of the ladder. To me, BDSM is a side path that if not taken does not hinder and further more can be beneficial to not take such a path at all. Again, it all comes down to choice. I am sharing information that is not available to most through the eyes and experience of an ex Dominatrix who has known this world for over a decade. And it is a dark world filled with pain, do not kid yourself by pretending or fantasizing otherwise. BDSM is rooted in pain and even without the SM [sado masochism] aspect, there is often a lot of hiding and pain dealing. There are many who use the shrouding of BDSM to get away with hurting people. I was one of them. Albeit often unconsciously, believing I was doing a service. It is not a coincidence that when I began deep work to face and heal the abuser in me, that BDSM lost its interest in my body. I am not speaking for any other Dom but myself. This is what has been true for me.
For those who use exploration of the shadow as a reason for BDSM, this is a misunderstanding of the shadow. Seeking awareness and doing the hard work of self sight is awareness of the shadow. We can see our own shadow in how we address another, or how we address ourselves. In our inflexibility, in our lack of boundaries, even in that beautiful experience we will not allow for ourselves. Facing the shadow is a facing of self that can occur with just the will of seeking. The shadow does not require an ambassador, it is already present. Embracement of the shadow is not a praising of the shadow, it is embracing shadow as a shunned aspect of self that is crying out for compassion and understanding. It does not mean to act out from shadow, rather to understand and transmute to embrace what the shadow is truly calling out for- love. Ignoring the shadow actually creates living from the shadow. Praising the shadow does the same. The shadow is a little alarm or a blaring horn that is simply a call for the inner journey to remember what is held deep in its folds, the love of self. Ego creates shadow as power, the shadow is not about power, that is ego game. The shadow is pure asking me to please remember love. In this, to me the shadow is self love.
To those who have feared the shaming of being called ‘prude’ or the gaslighting of being told they were bullying by not engaging nor entertaining BDSM, you are missing nothing by choosing to not be a part of BDSM. No one should ever tell you that you must support BDSM or engage in BDSM to be ‘sexually liberated’. No. No one should ever tell you that you need to do anything to be ‘sexually liberated’. Whatever that terminology is supposed to mean or means for one individual is unique to that individual. A virgin can be sexually liberated just as much as a sexually active person as it all comes down to authentic choice. Terms are not what is most important to me.
What I have found after 13 years of exploring BDSM is that everything I experienced in BDSM I could have experienced in meditation and more without hiding from my pain through forcing physical pain. Through tender actions of self care, through choosing to not abandon myself, through being relentlessly compassionate toward myself even in the face of my identity that wants to say I am not worth that, I find the spaces that I was seeking in between the pain of BDSM. Those loud powerful spaces that I muted through BDSM that without the hindrance, pour forward into my body awareness and self love. Those loud powerful spaces that I gave credit to BDSM but were actually not a part of BDSM at all. Those loud powerful spaces are simply me. Me unencumbered. Being a Dominatrix was a puny mimicry of trying to force my innate power. When the reality is my innate power does not need forcing, it just is. My innate power is not a control of outer circumstances nor people, my innate power does not know control, it is too big for that paradigm. My innate power is simply a being.
I will say again, I do not support the words I am saying here being used to ostracize people for their choices. Rather this is an opportunity to understand why some people seek BDSM who may not be aware something so much bigger and more readily available is right in them right now. I do not suppose to know people’s reason for choosing, rather I am saying this may be one of the reasons. I create this conversation to stand in possibility, to stand as an awareness for those who may feel they must choose BDSM or must stay in BDSM. BDSM is not necessary. There is another way and you are it.
As I choose to do the hard work of self love and self care -sometimes when I face my addictions it’s a downright inner war- and also open to the gentle tenderness of self care and self love readily available simply in a conscious breath, I am choosing to not abandon myself. In choosing to not abandon myself, I am choosing integrity.
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Painting by unknown.

Speaking Up About The Sex Industry

When I speak up about the impact of the sex industry/pornography I am most often met with defense. I will keep talking about it, however. I am not ‘anti-porn’ as to me that is the same conversation of ‘pro-porn’ because it feeds shame and shame is, after all, what keeps the sex industry alive.

There is a very real impact of perpetuated pain, addiction, and self loathing that the sex industry keeps alive. I know because I was a part of it. I both dealt and received pain and I had to numb myself with alcohol and lie to myself to stay in it.

There is a sort of despair that I notice comes up for people who actually can hear the impact of the sex industry/porn yet feel lost without it. I believe this is often the same despair that often fuels the defense of the industry. Which brings me great sadness. We are so used to the pacifier of the sex industry we have forgotten that we hold wisdom within. There is no wisdom in the sex industry. Everything I ‘learned’ there I could have found with meditation without the wounding.

Snowfall

You make the snow beautiful
The snow is a pattern of frozen water
It is a chemical reaction in action
Your witnessing turns snow into geometric art
It becomes a miracle in your sight
God exists because your eyes judge the snow as enamoring
Wonder and amazement are born because you watch as the snow falls to the ground
Love bursts through the body chasing joy because you witness snowfall
Bliss exists because you allow your senses to experience the cold wet touch of a snowflake
Fun leaps into presence because you seek it face turned up, with open mouth
Snow is beautiful because of you
You are beautiful.

Humans are Angels

I stood at the beach with tears. My long white dress flowing in the wind as I looked across the ocean at the sunset. I cried to God to take away my pain. I stood wanting to fall on my knees with the weight as my tears streamed. Across the way I saw a bright light come across the ocean. I felt Angels behind me. The ocean parted and the large white light was an Angel coming towards me. I walked across the ocean floor, wet sand, all the oceans creatures in the waves standing tall on either side moving and rippling gently. The Angel took my hand and we kept walking comfortably until we reached a cliff. I looked down. It seemed like miles to the bottom. The Angel said:
 
“If you were to try to go down there without the ocean waves, you would die.”
 
Then the waves came close around us, I felt anxious for a minute and we were engulfed. My eyes were wide with panic, the Angel smiled and said ‘Breathe’. I did and I found I could breathe underwater. The Angel smiled and dove with my hand in theirs. We were swimming to the bottom for what felt like forever. We reached the bottom and the bright light of the Angel made it so I could see in the bubble of light around us.
 
I looked around me in awe as I stood at the actual bottom of the ocean floor. A long snake like fish swam around along with beautiful fish I could have never dreamed of. But they were both so beautiful to me as I had never seen either before. And so the monster was just as beautiful as the gorgeous fish and did not feel very scary though I felt it’s power. Both of their power. They each felt different and both were both potently and equally beautiful to me in my eyes. Absolute awe.
 
“Down here there are monsters and miracles,” The Angel said, “Neither could you reach without the wave. So it is with pain. You humans have this aversion to pain but don’t you see sweet one, this is the very vehicle that allows you to witness the horror and the miracle in a way that you could not otherwise. Without pain as a vehicle, you would die. If you try to make the leap down here without riding the wave of pain, you will not make it. To deny the pain and leap, is certain death. And so, embrace the pain, do not deny it. As it will take you down to where you need to go, it will carry you if you let it. The wave is strong it is powerful and it also soothes, is gentle and will leave you weightless. When you reach here the ocean floor, you will have the dearest moments of seeing the beauty of it all. And so you will. Until the wave brings you back onto the shore to enjoy the sun, to go for a playful swim, to lay on the beach entirely. This is the gift of pain.”
 
I smiled. I then saw myself surrounded by other Angels here on the ocean floor, making a circle around me. They lifted their wings high underwater and I gasped at the brilliant sight. Then, once again like what had happened before, the wings appeared on my own back and I began to cry.
 
“You are worthy of your own wings. Don’t forget, every human is an Angel as well. You are an Angel, you are worthy of your Divinity. You all are.”
 
I didn’t sink to my knees in disbelief and pain this time around. I stayed on my feet and could embrace what they said a bit better. I say they as it felt like even though only one Angel was speaking to me, it felt as if they were all saying it. So I stood there at the bottom of the ocean floor. Embracing my humanity, embracing my Divinity and here I felt the love of me. In this embracement, I touched the love of who I am.

BDSM: Don’t do it. It’s not for you. Unless it is.

It is true no calm sea ever made a skilled sailor. Yet, when one is looking at the sea and longing for travel, it is the skilled sailor that can give you the map to avoid the squall.

For me personally my body is repulsed by BDSM. I don’t say that to make wrong those who it is deeply authentic an expression for. All deep authentic true expression is beautiful. For me the thought of picking up a flogger again makes me recoil. Not because BDSM is a dirty nasty thing that only bad people do, no. I’m a former Dom and I can appreciate it as an art expression and I am also present to the scarring abusive experience that predominantly runs the BDSM world. My body rejects BDSM, not from shame but from being in integrity with myself. BDSM is not enough for me. I did it for years and I honestly got bored. When it was no longer authentic it became a wall between me and the person I wanted to experience. It became this act to do. And so it just isn’t enough for me anymore. What really drives me wild is that presence. Being right there with my partner our eyes open in awe with what we are seeing before us. Really seeing each other! Feeling the energy tingle across our bodies just to be in each other’s presence. Being so fully present with the person I love that we are just love experiencing love in two bodies. Our interconnect making us multi dimensional in experience. What touches my heart and from this arises my erotic energy, is heart connect. Pure unadulterated raw open heart connect and for me BDSM is not a part of that anymore.

For me, my own authenticity, BDSM is not true for me. If I were to hold it as some identity I needed, I would be out of integrity with myself. For me what is juicy is when I’m in partnership laying in nature together, enjoying the sun laying in long grass, with a comfortable warm silence. Watching their chest rise and fall and feeling the love for that motion as that is what declares their life and being in my life. Listening to the heartbeat of my lover and how his voice echoes in his chest when my ear is pressed there. Watching beautiful heart opening movies together.  Watching silly movies together. Being spontaneous with each other. The romance and passion of cooking together. Exploring the world together. Having a lazy day in our pajamas. Being annoyed with each other because we get triggered by each other as we evolve together. Cleaning each other’s puke if we get a stomach flu. This is erotica to me. The not so glamorous. The seemingly mundane. The beauty, gentleness and the absolutely confronting. This is passion to me. This is love.

There are powerful experiences I have had with BDSM as there has also been scarring abuse. I have gone into trance states with people during BDSM and have experienced the healing in myself and in others when it is from that space of healing and from love and consciousness. I want to be clear, this is not the norm. Through my personal experiences, as well as those shared with me from my clients at the time and close friends,  the severity of the abuse people have experienced in the BDSM world is enough to warrant extreme caution if not absolute avoidance of.

I also get that love is  what people seek when they seek BDSM or any part of sexuality. It is the God connect that is sought, which itself is love. In this the search for a Dom is the search for God. When my clients came to me they were not surrendering to me. I was just the icon for their surrender to God, their surrender to self. It took me into my late years towards the end of my 13 years of being a Dom to grasp this. What I am saying is you can cut out the middle man and just stand in your connection with God/higher self/love in this moment.

When one is coming from self love, however it is dressed, an experience reminds that love is the very core of us. However, love is not everyone’s intent in sexuality. Not everyone remembers they are love, unfortunately, and reach out to find connection in ways that are not love. Sexuality, BDSM included, needs the conversation that it is not separate from God, nor love when it comes from self love. And the reality is, this is not how sexuality, BDSM included, is sourced out in the world. It is primarily a basis of disconnect and glamorized for being so. The BDSM scene is not ‘ooh fuzzy handcuffs’ it is a full on experience that is truly not meant for everyone. I stand by that.

I get to see the innocence of BDSM when it is treated as an art just as I am also present to  the malicious experience of the BDSM world. It is not a safe world to enter. The glorification of it has somehow made BDSM a hip new fad and while I’m glad the conversation is coming forward, I do not feel it is something to be addressed so lightly.

BDSM is a part of my past as a Dominatrix. I am no longer a Dom and now I can transmute that experience into knowledge to support love, safety and authenticity. I can appreciate conscious BDSM, Tantric BDSM, as a transformational art when it is used as such. An art that has specific tools. That does not imply I would go to a convention again nor return to the scene. It just does not interest me. This is me saying I have respect for what BDSM can create when used consciously, as I abhor and condemn the abuse it is when used unconsciously.  Shibari I hold respect for as a healing art that touches meridian points, I have experienced Shibari as a form of acupressure. My whole body relaxed. It should be noted, I knew this person for years before this occurred. Rule of thumb, even those one knows can enter a whole new experience of themselves when they have you tied up. I have first hand witnessed with another person before I met the Shibari Dom and when I was still fresh in exploring BDSM. When you are tied up, you are at the absolute mercy of another person. This is real. That sentence is not to be taken lightly. There is a very true reality of what happens when you cannot get out.

A Dom and sub does not just interact with you physically. There is a mental element as well as soul connection. It can be a very pure connect when done consciously, however, as you can imagine also a very dangerous experience when done from disconnect. Disconnect from self, love, higher self/God/Source. It can easily be abused this space. The trance state I mentioned that happens in sexuality and BDSM is a very vulnerable state which leaves body and mind purely open to impressions. What is left there can take a lifetime to release and heal, if you’re lucky. I stand firmly that BDSM is not an experience for everyone and holds many dangers.

There is a reality that sexuality is still primarily in society approached in a way which promotes disconnect. Disconnect from self, life and others. I used to believe that sexual addiction was a myth until I got very clear it is not. Just like alcohol and other drugs, it can be used as a disconnect. BDSM can be used as a disconnect.

For me I stand in love and my connection with my spirituality. This is the space from which I approach my sexuality and see the innocence it is and it’s pure intent and that it is love, as I am love and pure intent. Having experienced BDSM as both abuse and Tantra, as I have experienced sexuality as abuse and Tantra, I am aware of both experiences and have listening for both experiences. I honor my body as my Temple. With grace, love, kindness and tenderness I love all of me and let go of shame. I stand in my God connect with my sexuality and in all aspects of my life as it is all one, as it is all love, as I am love.

I hold understanding for BDSM and it’s expression when I know it is truly coming from love, authenticity and full self expression. Again, this is not  the norm of the BDSM world. It is my pleasure to meet those for whom this is truly an authentic path while I am clear it is no longer mine. They too have the same passion and stand for BDSM only being experienced authentically and as an extension of self love. If it is not self love, it is abuse. Unfortunately the BDSM scene is so disconnected it is dangerous. True conscious BDSM or as it’s called ‘Conscious Kink’ is very rare. Now, be present that there are those who have embraced the title of ‘Conscious Kink’ just to take advantage of those seeking that space of healing. Galen Fous is one of the few people who is a stand for authentic sexuality and consciousness in BDSM. I currently started reading Galen Fous MTP’s book “Decoding Your Kink: Guide to Explore Share and Enjoy Your Wildest Sexual Desire”[ http://www.amazon.com/Decoding-Your-Kink-Explore-Wildest-ebook/dp/B017CKIIAE]. He is a sex positive counselor of over 15 years and so far I am in alignment with what he shares even if we differ on certain views. I don’t require absolute agreement between me and others to see the value of their work.

Here is my advice to you if you are reading this and curious about BDSM. Don’t do it. It’s not for you. Unless it really is. And that takes time and care to find out. It takes creating relationships. Most people these days spend more time doing research on the person walking their dog than they do the person they are going to have sex with or put themselves in the hands of as a submissive or Dom. I know I sure was that way. I paid for it. A painful and scarring price. I have known people and clients who also shared the abuse they experienced with me. My hope is that between what I have experienced and what my clients shared with me as well as friends shared with me of the abuse they endured, people can hear the advice here I share. I myself was a reckless Dom when I was young who wreaked havoc. I have known the lust for sadism and masochism and the dark path that it took me on left those in my wake. I have left damage just as I have received it inflicted. I didn’t have the discipline it took to stand in my shadow and not cause harm with it. It took me years to become conscious in what I created as a Dom. It took me even longer to heal and simply lead with love and kindness. Starting with love, tenderness and softening to kindness with myself. This is my connection to God, the love I am.

I am adamant about not giving advice when it comes to people’s lives as that is each person’s life and choice and not for me to speak into. I feel true to this and when it comes to BDSM and the sex industry I am very clear and stand strong in where I come from with intent that people will spare themselves the horrors that I experienced. When I say horrors I mean that and no I do not mean that lightly. It is still difficult for me to go into the full disclosure of everything I have experienced, nor is it absolutely necessary for me to say. I believe those reading this will be able to deeply get the severity of what I am presenting.

I am going to out Insex.com right now. This man I cannot believe what he is getting away with. It’s still considered legal as the women he hires sign a waver before hand  However, he does not stop when they ask him to and he specifically has that written down so that he can violate these women in the most medieval torturous way I have seen a living person do to another short of killing them. I know a couple of women who went to him. What he does is not BDSM it is total abuse in the most extreme form. There are women who worked with him who are so emotionally damaged they stopped being able to orgasm. I’m not saying women who can’t orgasm are emotionally damaged, to be clear. What I am saying is these women were free and beautiful in their sexuality and were able to orgasm, one of them with ease, until they met him and he broke them. Even as a Dominatrix I never stood by humiliation. This person takes humiliation of women to another level. He tortures them and uses this to make money on the internet. When I say torture, I mean that. Water to naked body plus electricity. Whippings on their breasts till they bleed as well as other body parts. There are Doms aware of this man and equally upset about what he is getting away with as I am. He’s been reported numerous times and somehow still gets away with what he does. What he does is not BDSM it is pure abuse. This is exactly why I tell people to not enter the BDSM world. People like him, both male and female, are waiting to jump on the innocent who are exploring their sexuality and exploit that naivete for their own sadistically abusive desires as well as monetary gain. Men are also prey to abuse in the BDSM world. When one is tied up it doesn’t matter how strong one is. It takes one compromising stationed position to equalize the size/strength ratio and leave men in a very vulnerable state. I had male clients who told me of the severe abuse they experienced in the hands of women pretending to be Dom’s. These faux Dom’s thought they knew what BDSM was and interpreted BDSM as ‘you get to hit people and make money?’. They took out their hatred towards men and hurt these men leaving both surface, internal and emotional scarring. This is criminal and this is what hides in BDSM community that few people come forward to talk about. I’m not afraid to talk about it. I couldn’t even speak of this before, it is far from easy for me to do so now. I have found this very conversation confronting to the point it shook my body and left me feeling disoriented before I could ground in what’s true for me. If this conversation saves one person from this abuse and keeps their spirit and bodies from being broken as mine was for so long, it is worth it to me.  People using hate porn, wanting others to get hurt for their own pleasure, I personally find this to be something to look at and heal. It is very disturbing to me. I was a part of all of that myself and I had to take a good honest look at what was going on there for me.

Does this all sound scary? Good. Then the reality has met the fantasy. This is not Candyland. This is the BDSM world and it is no joke. When I say ‘Good that you’re scared’ I don’t mean run around in paranoia. I’m saying the awareness can balance the fantasy of how BDSM is glorified as some cute dress up game with a little light bondage and flogging here and there. Conscious BDSM is rare. That is a fact. Knowing this is an important part of keeping one’s self safe. I am 34 and I’m just learning now that I don’t have to fly into situations leading with curiosity, wonder and adventurous naivete. Curiosity, wonder and naivete are beautiful traits and yet, when not grounded in self love and self care, dangerous. Being adventurously naive, doesn’t work. Such an oxymoron I found. Naive is beautiful and a tenderness that needs only sacred space to express. Naive is such an open-hearted tender space it needs a retainer of sanctity to hold it precious. That is not what leads in the world of BDSM. Conscious BDSM is not the norm, I must repeat that. Take it from me. I threw myself into these worlds lead by curiosity, wonder and adventurous naivete. Not just in BDSM, also in the sex industry and in sexuality in general. The world is not set up at this time as viewing sexuality as sacred. Taking the time to create partnership with the person who does revere sexuality as sacred, is life saving. We deserve to be held as sacred. You deserve to be held as sacred. Body, mind, soul. 

I have reached a place in my life where I know what it looks like to be held as a precious being. After having my body abused in many ways, it was startling to experience this kind of love and reverence. My eyes would get wide each time I experienced this and there would be a feeling of shock that ran through my body. I was even scared at first to be held so tenderly. I raged against it and fought it even before I began to allow myself to be held with love. When I watch those videos of dogs rehabilitated with love after neglect and abuse and how they flip out at first I cry because yes it is sad and because god, I so get it. I understand that feeling to freak out and shut down before realizing it’s safe to feel love and receive it. After so many years I am finally using my voice in it’s full self expression. And honestly, it terrifies me. My biggest fear has been that if I speak up and use my authentic voice that I will lose love. It’s not necessarily rational but it feels real to me as a fear. I also trust what I am sharing comes from my heart, it comes from me and I am in integrity with myself in writing this. So, I am writing this and letting go of my attachment to approval, understanding and acknowledgment. Come what may, I have to express this here. This is the truth of who I am and where I stand.

As I saw I was surrounded by love in my life I finally got to see it’s OK to be loved and held tenderly. I finally got to experience how sacred my sexuality is, how sacred my body is, how sacred I am, as I am life. I opened to the reality that my body is my Temple and I now honor it as such. I get to soften and cry and rejoice. I get to look at my wounds and empathize with myself and hold myself in tender space when I heal these things that come up for me. I also get to experience my wholeness as who I truly am. This all came from allowing people to hold me tenderly and in this learning to hold myself tenderly. This came from being kind to myself and allowing myself to continue to soften into the love I am. I know myself as love now and that has been a long hard journey. In the journey to remembering I am love I had to face feeling worthy of love. As I am love, I had to face feeling worthy of myself.

Those in the sex industry are often treated as the armpit dwellers of society. However, we are very much human. As a former sex worker I can say, the sex industry is a reflection of the way society views sexuality. A disconnected experience to take a dump on and feed addiction to disconnect. Addiction is that, a way to disconnect. The beautiful fresh wonder of sexuality is not yet supported in society as a whole. Sexuality is a seedling precious and tender that takes time to nurture and witness from one’s own heart. The heart is what nurtures sexuality to grow in it’s beautiful self expression. There are many who are open to the sexual experience and with big beautiful doe eyes step into the world asking ‘what is this?’. With this pure wonder, this trust and open heart exploration. We throw a box of condoms in their hands and say ‘have at it’ as if that is what sex is, merely a physical action. But it’s not just physical, nor is there truly a ‘just’ about it being physical. It is a powerful force that when accessed without the foundation of self as love and honoring self, it is pure destruction. Yet, when tended to, cared for, heart shining nutrients as it is connected to sexuality down to it’s very cells, it is a powerful force of love expression that flourishes one’s full self expression. That births worlds of creativity, that fertilizes the very soil of aliveness! Yes, this is sexuality as it is to support the love we are. We are deserving, worthy of this as who we are.

Sexuality is a God connect. Being raised in strict religion, that sounded counter-intuitive to me at first when I experienced it. There was so much shame and separation. Shame of sexuality and self exploration of body. The myth pushed of separation ‘between’ sexuality and God. There is no disconnect! God is love, love is the root of sexuality.  Leading with seeing self as love, being love, loving self, this is the root of sexuality. I think this is what was meant when the push for marriage before sex was brought into society. Not that marriage was necessary before opening sexually to someone, though I honor and get that view as well as long as it’s not shame driven and is truly authentic. I believe what was meant is there is a space of sanctity needed so that sexuality can be expressed and received as an extension of the love we are. By the way, there is nothing wrong with being a virgin. Yes, I an ex escort, ex self pleasure porn actress, ex stripper, ex Dominatrix am saying- there is nothing wrong with being a virgin! Nothing. And there is nothing wrong with not being a virgin. Got that? Virgin=cool, non virgin=cool.

From all the walks of life, from all of the dangerous and life threatening experiences I placed myself in with my naivete- I am seriously at times shocked I’m still alive- I have learned so much and my hope is it is heard so that others can slow down and not throw themselves in and get knocked around like I did. I got knocked around hard. I just happened to survive it but barely. I wanted to die. I wanted to kill myself. This is not the life I wish for anyone. What if the experience of sexuality shifted from a manic rush for sexual encounters  as a fix, to experiencing sexuality from self as love?

The conversation that I see needed is this remembering as self as sacred and the power of ‘No’. Sexuality is innocent and there are those with vile intent who want to prey on this innocence. Without clear conversation of the sacredness of body and sexuality the innocent end up without guidance and often in harmful experiences. We don’t have full control over what happens in our lives. That I get. I experienced things that I did not have control over that harmed me sexually when I was a child. What I did learn I could effect, is breaking the cycle of abuse locked in my body so that I no longer needed to call it into my life with self abuse, co-created self abuse, nor being abusive. No more co-creating self abusive cycles with my sexuality and I am practicing that in other areas of my life as well now.

What if we as people could break this cycle in society? Not from shame, not from extremes, from love and honoring self. This is the root of where it all comes down to. Love and celebration of one’s being. This foundation of seeing myself as love, as sacred and being kind and gentle with myself which can look like a fierce ‘No!’ to what I feel is not right for me. I noticed that when I came from sexuality  disconnected from the love I am, it felt off in my body but I couldn’t really understand what it was. It was so ‘normal’ that I couldn’t see it. For me it fed my past abuse, it came back to me reliving that energy and unwittingly enrolling others to be a part of that experience with me. It just doesn’t feel right nor work. It took a lot of getting really honest with myself and getting really present to where I was coming from with my sexuality. I can look at this with self empathy as I did the best I could with what I knew. I stand in my innocence and clarity.

I am so present to my body is sacred, my heart is sacred and my sexuality is sacred. I will only connect with my body and sexuality this way. I will only share myself with a partner from this space. Presently I do not have a romantic partner and unlike when I was in this space before, I feel wonderful. I do not have panic like I used to about this as I do not see being with someone or not being with someone romantically as an ideal either way anymore. My connection with self as connected to my higher self and source is my ideal and from here how my life looks with or without a partner, is divine. As I see the love I have been seeking is not outside of myself. It is who I am. 

I am in this beautiful and many times confronting space of exploring who I am in the arms of my own energy and heart, in the space of my own love, I am really savoring who I am. I get to see me and explore this. I am my own greatest adventure. I experience my body and sexuality as God connect, as I experience God as love, as I am love. My self as connected with Source/Universe I can experience erotic energy feeling the sun warm my arms and the grass tickle my toes. I can experience Eros watching the moon glint over a river, hearing the sound of the busy NYC streets declare it’s song, wearing my favorite raccoon fuzzy socks while I relax in bed and type. The sheer pink curtains kissing the sunlight as it enters my room, the faux flowers one made of thin pink wood decorating my vase. The incense and sage I allow to dance their scent in my home. At the very root for me erotic energy is love. Expression, experience, being. My passion is my being. My voice is remembering. My being is love.

Remembering myself this way- I say remembering as this is who I always have been, I just somehow forgot along the bumpy path- was not easy. This took work. It still does. It takes allowance, surrender and self kindness to open remembering myself as love. It may sound lofty I assure you it is anything but. It takes facing my shadow, being in awareness with it, loving it, guiding it to the light as I lead with the love I am. It is not always easy, though I will say god it has become so much easier over time. Or rather, I remember faster would be the best way to express that. I used to look at others who embody love this way and covet this experience. I would cry and wonder why I could not feel life this way. Well, I started with trying. I started with practice. I screwed up, big time, oh god, many times. I cried hard when I did as I felt my self doubt and self loathing, then I kept forgiving myself and being gentle with me. Years of slowly putting one foot gently in front of the other. Shaking while I did so or returning to fire dragon mode and then starting over again. Each time what I had to face was forgiving myself, seeing myself as worthy of my own being. I gave up alcohol among other things and that was a powerful boost. I’ve been sober a year now and counting. I cannot tell you the inner wars I have had to face to sit here and write what I am writing to you and smile as I know myself as love. I can tell you, even if it was a little part of me that reached out in the face of the rest of me that screamed unworthiness, it was that little part of me that made the at first little steps to open me to where I am now. I am so grateful I faced my shadow and inner judge even if at first it was war, now it is awareness, acceptance, surrender and love. This is how I now know myself as strong. I write this with my heart bared, hair a mess, eyes twinkling as I ignore my back aching from hours of writing and I think I forgot to eat a couple of meals. I tremble in the quake of fears that come up from baring this and yet I know it to be authentic from my heart. I write this to you who reads this from a pure space and from a deep passion that overrules any discomfort. A deep passion to share my voice from my heart and to tell you, god, you are so loved and worthy right now. If you’re one of the people who what I just wrote resonates as where you are, you can do this. You can see yourself and remember the love you are. I did it, you can. I don’t say that from ‘oh look at me I’m up here’ arrogance, no my feet are planted firmly on the ground right next to yours. I am rooting for you as I root for myself. Gentleness, kindness, love is your birthright. It can feel like a mountain to climb to claim it but I will say, it is worth every step. I don’t care what you’ve done in the past, the path to remembering innocence and the love of self, starts with the intent and from there practice and continued self kindness. What I found was it was me I had to face to receive the gift it is to face me. In remembering my innocence I got to stop trying to prove I wasn’t worth it. When I didn’t come from self love and seeing my innocence I had to push my view of myself as a monster to prove I was not worthy of myself, that I was not worthy of love. The practice of self love, kindness and remembering myself as love has transformed me into embodying the love I am and allowing myself to feel this! This is available to everyone. It starts just with the wish to and then the steps. For those just starting on that path or just getting interested, I am so in empathy rooting for you. I found that it was more of a realizing that I’m already ‘there’ the rest was just allowing myself to receive and see love. We are all love, I see you. For those already experiencing this remembering, I see you.

Meditation, where I used to fight doing it every time, I now look forward to it. I give meditation presence in my daily life as well. I can experience meditation in my walk on the noisy streets of NYC just by being present. It really is that available at any moment. Meditation is presence. I get to savor the sweetness of my being. I get to slow down and see the beauty even in the dirty puke stained sidewalks of this great and powerful city. I soak in the love I am, I soak in this spirit-human experience. It requires I consistently choose me. I am aware of and let go of perfectionism each time and love myself. I also love the perfectionism as a reminder to remember, I choose me, I choose love. I am whole, beautiful, grace, tenderness and kindness and I choose me. I am beautifully fallible human and perfect wholeness in my being. It feels incredible to be present to myself this way.

I will say again, for those reading this and are curious about BDSM- dont do it. It is not for you. Unless it is. And that takes slowing down, having a healthy relationship with self as priority, loving self and care before that truth will reveal itself. Take it from me, take your time and find what is real. In BDSM, partnerships [romantic or otherwise] and with self, take time. I have the scars to prove it is a dangerous road otherwise, not all of the scars are physical. Take time to truly see yourself as sacred, your body as your Temple and allow consciousness to lead sharing such sanctity with another. The power of ‘No!’ Is valuable, use it, as is the power of the true ‘Yes!’. There is nothing to be ashamed of as you stand for what is true for you. Believe me, me taking this stand is not comfortable and does not stand on agreement of others. It stands in what is true for me. I got so clear my conversation and voice in all of this. I get I don’t have to shrink myself ever again for approval. Nor do I need others to do the same for mine. My voice is mine. I am so free. Only you know what is true for you and that takes time to be able to see and honor this.

Slow down, our Temple is where the whole journey is happening anyway. I know I can miss the real journey if the illusion is the path is outside of me.

We are all love. However we seek love is however we seek love but it must be true to our very core. We must be true to the love we are. If the word God doesn’t work for  you then think of it as being connected to the very life source you are. We are all connected from this very energy, very easy to recognize. How can you tell? Well, are you breathing? Yes? Well, that is life! We are life. Without you this is not a human experience it is just a beautiful planet spinning in outer space. We are vital to this human experience and taking care of ourselves is the utmost importance. Without our individual self care, we lack integrity in this world. Self care is vital for integrity. When we put ourselves in places that are less than who we divinely are then we are not in self care we are in self destruct. Take care to notice if self destruct seems to be the basis from where one’s actions come from. Get support if need be. Meditation, therapy, nature, all of the above, whatever works. Take the time and care to come from a healthy space. If one is not sure, the golden ticket is always to slow down. Take the time to know what is true for you. Is it easy? It’s simple but it is not always easy. Each person is love. Made of love, connected in love. It is the forgetting of this that creates disconnection and this illusion of not belonging. You belong! You really do. Already and right now we all belong. Do not let the search for belonging lead you into situations that violate the very fabric of the love you are. I did and I am still healing from it. Trust yourself. Trust your ‘No’ and your ‘Yes’. If neither of those show up clear, slow down, get support and be with your own energy. I cannot speak enough about how supportive meditation is for me, guided or otherwise, in remembering my connect and seeing myself as sacred and the love, innocence and purity I am. You are deserving in being received from this space. You are a treasure and deserve to be treasured. I’ve found that often what people are seeking in BDSM is just their own love and exploration of higher self. You can find that right now, in your room, with a few minutes of a YouTube guided meditation video. As a matter of fact here’s goodie but shorty from my own stash, it’s “Guided Meditation: Connect with Your Higher Self” by the Honest Guys who are one of my fave to listen too. I also enjoy Michael Sealey’s guided meditation among others. Sometimes just gentle music is nice to meditate without the guide too. Whatever feels best for you. This is one I just connected to this week and it is a favorite now:

 

 Or one can get present to ones own love and higher self/universe/God in the presence of nature, an animal, just taking a second to be present to one’s own being.

Loving and celebrating my being is my expression of being present to my being, present to myself as love, life and wholeness. It means being true to myself and relinquishing outside agreement for what is pure and true for me. What I share here I do so coming from love. Loving and being tender and kind to myself and being a fierce unapologetic stand for people to experience their sexuality from safety, authenticity, self kindness and deep love of self. I am a stand for people seeing the love they are, wholeness, worthiness and beauty right now with nothing to fix. It all starts with love. Love is what leads.

Think of it like a car trip. Love is driving, self trust is the passenger and love lets it be the navigator, sexuality is the beautiful artist in the backseat. If love gets kicked out of the car and sexuality starts to drive on it’s own, it gets road rage and screams over the voice of self trust. Sexuality cannot take over the car trip. All I’m saying here and being a stand for, in my love and empathy for you as my fellow human: Let love drive. Without love sexuality just becomes manic, obsessive and crashes all over the place. It may seem ‘faster’ and have the illusion of being rewarding but it’s not. It takes me conscious effort at times to remember to let love drive and oh what a beautiful driver love is. I can actually enjoy the journey now, and the view is gorgeous from this gentle pace.