Day 40 of 100 Days of Loving and Celebrating Being

Creating an intimate relationship with fear

I woke up this morning with tears and the ache in my body of processing growing. Growth is painful. It just is. And that is OK. I welcome every part of this, even though at times it feels like I am deep in the pits of hell. I was for sure not going to go on Facebook the absolute first thing in the morning, that’s not going to inspire my day. I do yoga in bed which feels nice on my bones, back and knees. However, this morning my daughter came into my bed after having a nightmare. My 7 and a half year old was sound asleep. I needed to find some motion to start moving this process that was trying to work it’s way through my body.

I gingerly slid my computer from under the pillow she had her legs on. I decided to be productive. I sat down, pulled up my book and began to write. A chapter poured through that I feel really proud of. A good one and now I’m actually looking at my other chapters like oh man, you need to live up to this chapter.  Which is both amazing and slightly daunting. I choose to look at that fear that makes it seem ‘daunting’ and allow it to just be that and not fix it. Just know that’s a fear thought and get into action.

I finished proud and got on Facebook [because I am a junkie and I fully own it. Hey, awareness is the first step.] and came back to a post with an article that had caught my eye. It’s an amazing read:

Headstands for Beginners

What I enjoyed about this is the author, Laura Samper G., created the conversation of experiencing the Headstand from the point of relating with fear.  Which is exactly where I am at. I’m in a place of pain and fear being with this however long it takes for old ways of being to die. What happens is my triggers show up which for me show up as reactionary anger which as I’ve shared in other posts, is really just my abject terror. Pure fear. Protection.

I got yesterday I have been subconsciously playing the game of trigger/attack. We’re all always playing conscious or unconscious games we either ‘win’ or ‘lose’.  I realized this was my unconscious game that I was ‘winning’. The game of ‘protection where I use my hurt to hurt others. Feeling justified with lashing out at others because of my pain and fear. It doesn’t work. I’m not being attacked. I’m safe. No one is out to get me, I’m surrounded by love. I have lost intimacy with this habit of protect, defend, attack. When I say feeling justified it was like completely letting my fear take over. Why? I realized with no relationship to my fear, of course it will continue to do that. I’m not striving for perfection, I am human, I am creating a clearing for who I know myself to be and how I have not given myself the space to show up. In relating to my fear, getting intimate with it I get to allow it and practice minimizing the effect of my reactions. Meaning, not lashing out or doing over the top actions as in domination, avoidance or any other fear action that has dire consequences and may show up like raging.

I felt myself electric yesterday, fear, rage, pain all at once felt like electricity to me. There must be something old trying to come forward into my sight to be healed. So I recognized the electricity yesterday. I recognized the triggered feeling. I got personal with it. I got to see it was all me, not outside of me that it was going on. I got present to what was under the protective anger, the deep pain of my ways of being that hurt others and that hurt me.

In this relating with fear, reading this article I found so perfect and supportive of where I am right now. I decided to take it on. I wanted to know this feeling. I have had it like it would take me forever to do a headstand. I wanted to know the proper technique so I didn’t hurt myself.  I found this amazing instructor on YouTube:

With my own modifications – I used a wall, I didn’t walk my toes up- I did it! I felt what the writer had expressed, that terror. For me fear is a protector from death, so it shows up like ‘OMG don’t do that! We’re going to die! I don’t want to die! Ahhh!’ In almost every single situation. I am so run by fear I have gotten aware of. Variations like that. It’s not what I tell myself, it is a reaction. I feel the quickening in my body, the fear in my chest, my senses become super sharp, my eyes dart, my heartbeat quickens, sometimes body trembling. Being able to face this and teach myself this very bizarre position that is just not something I am used to every day is safe, has been so huge for me! So amazing.

I am teaching myself I am safe. I am listening to my fear with gratitude. I am learning to be with my fear with love and acceptance and caring. Listening to what my fear has to say and being with that. Going deeper into where did this come from, what’s really present for me. Getting responsible. That is vital. Getting so responsible for how I am showing up and have been showing up in my life. And loving myself. Just keep loving myself. I am teaching myself I am safe by allowing fear to be safe to be with. In all of this I am also learning to trust myself. I like how this author says:

I like how the author Laura Samper G. says:

“Fear can take many forms, but the more I observe it, the more it speaks to me with love, and it manifests as a green light, a flag that points to the direction I should follow. Fear is a good friend when you get to know it.”

I love this. As I am making fear my friend to me personally it shows up as a red light/green light: “Stop. OK, now come this way.”

Being with it, being present. When I was in my avoidance of fear I noticed how much I had been avoiding life itself by not being present. By being disconnected with reality. As I create this intimate relationship with fear, I am becoming present in my daily life. I am starting to find treasures in myself I never knew I had. In my intimate relationship with fear I am opening to an intimate relationship with myself. I am starting to recognize who I know myself to be. One triggered moment at a time.

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Remembering

The matrix was created by replacing the alchemical fire with a synthetic substitute. One that lulls a being into unconsciousness. This substitute is created to try and replicate the euphoria of consciousness with the fake high of addiction. The root of every addiction is the primary addiction to inauthenticity. Every addiction falls under that umbrella. Inauthenticity is the gatekeeper of unconsciousness.
 
There is nothing wrong with unconsciousness, it is not bad, nor is it good. It is also not a goal. It is a system created by the focus of survival on this plane of existence. The first way of connecting the infinite with the ephemeral. In that, it serves its purpose. Yet, when it is glorified as a goal, the disconnect is fed. The aliveness of human being left dormant.
 
It is awareness that makes the dreamer awake in its own dream. The dreamer activates and shifts its dream to conscious actions simply by the practice of looking at one’s hands. By conscious action in unconscious state, the dreamer begins to remember their personal power. The dreamer realizes they are dreaming. The illusion of powerlessness in the dream, is pierced by the remembering of where and who the being is. That the being is not an it, the being is embodiment of Source. The being is Love.
 
The illusion of disconnect from God cannot survive the awareness of connection with God. Awake in the dream, the dreamer consciously creates. The dreamer aware of the unconscious starts to see value during the dream and the beings power of choice to create. This doesn’t always happen. Sometimes the dream is to be experienced as a dream. When dreamer awakens, the shock of the shift can leave one in inquiry. Dreamer mulls over the lucidity of each journey in each dream and soon finds value of each illusion. Being also knows dreaming will come again. The matrix becomes a net of visiting, not a place of dwelling. It calls for consciousness, as all unconsciousness ultimately does, and hopes one answers the call and does not become enamored with the matrix itself.
 
Everything wants to return to remembering connection with God. As everything is God in journey, exploring, remembering.
 

Day 31 of 100 Days of Loving and Celebrating Being

Forgiveness

I have found much of my anger and resentment is rooted in avoiding forgiveness. Forgiveness of past anything. In allowance, I experience what forgiveness feels like in my body. I envision tall grass speckled with bright purple flowers. Not far to my left there is a house, it is simple and filled with the feeling of family, friendship, love, cozy. I see a warm wave of golden light rolling across the grass with a kaleidoscope of butterflies coming towards me and entering my heart.The butterflies are unexpected, I haven’t given them much thought in I can’t remember when.

Under canopy of kissing trees arms adorned with fruit, down the path of forgiveness, there is at the final stretch by the rolling waves, forgiveness of self. I unpack my final releasings a glass orb representative of what I used to use to harm myself. I expel it to be swallowed by the ocean. I will return here as needed. I sit looking at my embroidered shoes, enjoying the flow of my dress and robe pooling around me. I watch the sunset before I head back home. Fireflies kiss my path illuminating my steps.

This is my most beautiful gift to myself, self-forgiveness. It is only ever within me. I feel my pack empty and transformed, ready for the next trip.

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Day 29 of 100 Days of Loving and Celebrating Being

Brotherhood and Sisterhood Meet

There is something very sacred about the brotherhood of men and the sisterhood of women. I am inclusive of my Trans and Intersex brothers and sisters. There is a beautiful exchange between men that is uniquely between men in ways I can feel and connect with yet could never fully know and have been honored to witness.

As there is a uniquely beautiful exchange between women that we known deeply in ways that can be felt and connected with yet only fully known by woman.

In these differences there is a union. The sacred union within as we all are feminine and masculine and the two are not separate. There are moments where the connection between man and woman is such a meld that we can fully enter each others worlds for moments. Where we feel what it is through empathic connection to be the ‘other’.

Sisterhood with basis of loving self and celebrating, honoring, loving men, meeting Brotherhood with basis of loving self, and celebrating, honoring loving women, reminds the wholeness of who we are internally inherently.

In my wholeness I love and celebrate men, as in my wholeness I love and celebrate women, as I receive being loved and celebrated as a woman, as this is all within me and I deprive myself of no part of me.

I celebrate Brotherhood as I celebrate Sisterhood. I imagine them meeting in the desert each in their own space with their own fire. I see myself looking from the rocks watching the Brotherhood in their dance, sounds, song in this ancient connection with themselves as man. I see this same with the women in sound, song, dance in this ancient connection with themselves as woman. This deep grounded connect embodied then both connecting among one fire, releasing the line and feeling themselves as both feminine and masculine. Celebration of oneness.

Brotherhood and Sisterhood meet within me. Sacred Union. Harmony.

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Yin and yang symbol (Digital Enhancement)

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I am fully worshiped as woman
I feel it in the very fiber of my exist
I allow myself this love
From my Divine Feminine
This humility to open to my own heart
I receive the full love available to me
The honor of the Sacred Masculine
Sharing his Divine Being with mine
This sacred love that is not separate
It is an extension of my self love
I worship the Divine Masculine
As I love myself
My eyes cleansed from fearful separation
I remember He is I
As I Him
God and Goddess in harmony
His strength my strength
His tenderness my tenderness
His tears my tears
We laugh as one
Within
I know my wholeness
As I worship God in me

shivshakti

Day 22 of 100 Days of Loving and Celebrating Being

Personal Power

I was in inquiry of what the difference between personal power and egoic force was yesterday. I got so clear from higher self/Source if it’s from love it’s personal power, if it’s not love, it’s not personal power. Being able to be in my personal power is a practice. I get to learn more each time conflict comes up and many times with support in this, I get to see what my personal power is.

I get to see what I stand for. What I really have the commitment to be my word with. I get to be gentle with myself if I fail to show up the way I aim to and I get to own how I have shown up. Every step I learn. I’ve let go of the drive, the goal and put my heart, authenticity and fun as forefront. It’s brought excitement to my every day as I live in possibility.

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