Mindfulness & The Garden

Even in anger I can find expression if I choose mindfulness. If I choose to not be mindful then I truly miss out my bravado is then a show simply for myself as it is clear to everyone else what I have chosen. Which yes is fine too and I’m the one who misses out on the vibrant gardens waiting in my blindspots asking me to come play, breathe and bathe in my own aliveness. Treasure waiting for me will then have to wait until next time when the call brings me to its precipice again. I challenge myself each time in hopes I get to choose the garden. I like gardens, especially when gardens are being shared with me. What a beautiful invitation.

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There is nothing to forgive

The wisdom of a friend shines through in these conversations of racism sharing with me those who speak such things they cannot help themselves, my soul family shares they know not what they do and my mothers voice pierces through the veil, there is nothing to forgive. I am left in tears of surrender.

So to be abundantly clear here, this does not mean I do not forgive or do not believe in the process of forgiveness. Of course I do. To me this touches a very specific place in me when my mother says these words that is hard to put into words as it is a feeling. Forgiveness is an important practice for me and these words touch something that is transformative to me. Can’t word it yet.

One of the sneakiest things I can tell myself is when I say the hate is ‘over there’ and not within me. Such a conversation is a division in me that creates myself as merciful and another as devil. When in reality I am both. It is all within me and I divide myself from humanity if I cannot own I am part of the hate in this world. I belong.

Boundaries 

Sometimes even in the face of absolute self righteous a-holeness I have to stop and realize, the bottom line is I’m responsible for how I show up and god I have come a LONG way. Because no matter how anyone else shows up, who I choose to be in the face of such identities is ultimately completely and entirely up to me. Being loving and understanding is NOT easy and god it’s a whole lot of work, daily work. And yet here I am. Still trying. 

It would be so much easier to pick up my weapons and metaphorically annihilate someone but I’ve come to a point that I don’t want to leave my self with that. In the face of my boundaries being repeatedly violated I’ve finally found my voice to speak up and be loving yet unwavering. Loving to my own being first. I have spent my life advocating for people yet now I stand as my own advocate as that is only my responsibility.

I’m tired of living as if people will respect my boundaries by default. This is naive and dangerous. Now I speak them. I love these people except now not at the expense of me. Love at the expense of me is not really me being loving anyway, that’s an unconscious form of fear manipulation. 

I would rather be honest even if in the perception of some people that costs me intimacy, love and connection. I know those who stay in my life and encourage my boundaries love me. I also know some that love me and are confronted by my boundaries either aren’t conscious of it or don’t know better. Either way, it’s my self care to make them conscious of my boundaries and care for my self accordingly.

I’m no longer attached to manipulative and hurtful reactions to me setting a healthy boundary. Be it. No persons temper tantrum to my self care is going to make me sway from being true to me.

The darkness, so to speak, has its alchemy and for me, it is important to accept, love and acknowledge it while not getting caught in celebrating it as a way of being. I lived that already. I was not living fully self-expressed, I was not present to my freedom. Nor was I in harmony with life nor aliveness.

Light exposes the truth in me, the love I am, brings the ancient remembering that I have never been separate from the innocence of my being, the sweetness of my being that is love.

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Day 40 of 100 Days of Loving and Celebrating Being

Creating an intimate relationship with fear

I woke up this morning with tears and the ache in my body of processing growing. Growth is painful. It just is. And that is OK. I welcome every part of this, even though at times it feels like I am deep in the pits of hell. I was for sure not going to go on Facebook the absolute first thing in the morning, that’s not going to inspire my day. I do yoga in bed which feels nice on my bones, back and knees. However, this morning my daughter came into my bed after having a nightmare. My 7 and a half year old was sound asleep. I needed to find some motion to start moving this process that was trying to work it’s way through my body.

I gingerly slid my computer from under the pillow she had her legs on. I decided to be productive. I sat down, pulled up my book and began to write. A chapter poured through that I feel really proud of. A good one and now I’m actually looking at my other chapters like oh man, you need to live up to this chapter.  Which is both amazing and slightly daunting. I choose to look at that fear that makes it seem ‘daunting’ and allow it to just be that and not fix it. Just know that’s a fear thought and get into action.

I finished proud and got on Facebook [because I am a junkie and I fully own it. Hey, awareness is the first step.] and came back to a post with an article that had caught my eye. It’s an amazing read:

Headstands for Beginners

What I enjoyed about this is the author, Laura Samper G., created the conversation of experiencing the Headstand from the point of relating with fear.  Which is exactly where I am at. I’m in a place of pain and fear being with this however long it takes for old ways of being to die. What happens is my triggers show up which for me show up as reactionary anger which as I’ve shared in other posts, is really just my abject terror. Pure fear. Protection.

I got yesterday I have been subconsciously playing the game of trigger/attack. We’re all always playing conscious or unconscious games we either ‘win’ or ‘lose’.  I realized this was my unconscious game that I was ‘winning’. The game of ‘protection where I use my hurt to hurt others. Feeling justified with lashing out at others because of my pain and fear. It doesn’t work. I’m not being attacked. I’m safe. No one is out to get me, I’m surrounded by love. I have lost intimacy with this habit of protect, defend, attack. When I say feeling justified it was like completely letting my fear take over. Why? I realized with no relationship to my fear, of course it will continue to do that. I’m not striving for perfection, I am human, I am creating a clearing for who I know myself to be and how I have not given myself the space to show up. In relating to my fear, getting intimate with it I get to allow it and practice minimizing the effect of my reactions. Meaning, not lashing out or doing over the top actions as in domination, avoidance or any other fear action that has dire consequences and may show up like raging.

I felt myself electric yesterday, fear, rage, pain all at once felt like electricity to me. There must be something old trying to come forward into my sight to be healed. So I recognized the electricity yesterday. I recognized the triggered feeling. I got personal with it. I got to see it was all me, not outside of me that it was going on. I got present to what was under the protective anger, the deep pain of my ways of being that hurt others and that hurt me.

In this relating with fear, reading this article I found so perfect and supportive of where I am right now. I decided to take it on. I wanted to know this feeling. I have had it like it would take me forever to do a headstand. I wanted to know the proper technique so I didn’t hurt myself.  I found this amazing instructor on YouTube:

With my own modifications – I used a wall, I didn’t walk my toes up- I did it! I felt what the writer had expressed, that terror. For me fear is a protector from death, so it shows up like ‘OMG don’t do that! We’re going to die! I don’t want to die! Ahhh!’ In almost every single situation. I am so run by fear I have gotten aware of. Variations like that. It’s not what I tell myself, it is a reaction. I feel the quickening in my body, the fear in my chest, my senses become super sharp, my eyes dart, my heartbeat quickens, sometimes body trembling. Being able to face this and teach myself this very bizarre position that is just not something I am used to every day is safe, has been so huge for me! So amazing.

I am teaching myself I am safe. I am listening to my fear with gratitude. I am learning to be with my fear with love and acceptance and caring. Listening to what my fear has to say and being with that. Going deeper into where did this come from, what’s really present for me. Getting responsible. That is vital. Getting so responsible for how I am showing up and have been showing up in my life. And loving myself. Just keep loving myself. I am teaching myself I am safe by allowing fear to be safe to be with. In all of this I am also learning to trust myself. I like how this author says:

I like how the author Laura Samper G. says:

“Fear can take many forms, but the more I observe it, the more it speaks to me with love, and it manifests as a green light, a flag that points to the direction I should follow. Fear is a good friend when you get to know it.”

I love this. As I am making fear my friend to me personally it shows up as a red light/green light: “Stop. OK, now come this way.”

Being with it, being present. When I was in my avoidance of fear I noticed how much I had been avoiding life itself by not being present. By being disconnected with reality. As I create this intimate relationship with fear, I am becoming present in my daily life. I am starting to find treasures in myself I never knew I had. In my intimate relationship with fear I am opening to an intimate relationship with myself. I am starting to recognize who I know myself to be. One triggered moment at a time.

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My first eBook ‘100 Days of Loving Men’

Morning everyone. I am self-publishing my first eBook titled ‘100 Days of Loving Men’.

This journey began as healing my relationship with my father whom I have never met and shifted to me changing my perception of half the planet: men.  Healing my perception/relationship with men and in this healing my relationship with self I began re-entering community. I faced and face many personal blindspots I didn’t know I had about men and myself. In this softened, opened my heart, found freedom and my voice. In healing my relationship with men, men opened me in healing my relationship with women.

Publish date TBA.

https://www.facebook.com/LovingandCelebratingMen

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