Day 88 of Loving Men
Whew, another big one. In vulnerability, shame comes present. Rocked me to my knees. And without vulnerability, there is no freedom, no love, no joy.
I tell myself I’m not deserving of the love in my life, not worthy of speaking. The stories tell me to just shut down and shut up.
However, when I do that, I’m keeping love from myself and those in my life including the man I love. To shut down and shut up means I’m withholding love.
To guard myself from vulnerability is not safe, it’s reckless. The opposite of self care. To guard myself I stay prisoner to my shame. In a cage of unworthy.
I have faced my shame. I have opened wounds of my past and brought them into view. I am being honest with myself. I locked myself away feeling unworthy. Shame became an addiction, a habit I didn’t even know I had. And it kept me disconnected.
Now I know when shame is there, it’s time for me to look within and free myself instead of shutting myself down and shutting myself up. I choose to share my love.
*I really recommend the videos I shared on this page by Brene Brown on Vulnerability and Shame
Sunlight warms my flower feathers
Craning my stem I face the warmth
Rain drops drip on my head
How to tell the sky it is the sky
It’s grandness so great
It is life
Brilliant vibrant sun melts through it
Rays slide down it’s spine
Moon rolls up neck
Hair wild with stars
Voice of stardust
Clouds storm innocence
Fields of sunflowers sprout
Seedlings can fly
All because the sky is.
Josephine Baker is my favorite Vaudeville/Burlesque star. She lived her life by her passion, dance. In a time where segregation was the norm in America she was able to leave with a traveling troupe and perform her way to being discovered. She went to Paris where she was welcomed with open arms and became a star. She’s the first black woman to have been a part of previously segregated dance troupes. The US was still not fond of her performances like Paris was and they degraded her performance when she tried to win America over. She returned to France.
Yes, that is a real leopard she’s with, it was her pet named Chiquita. I mean wow!
Greatful to Parisians for welcoming her with such gusto and making her a star and changing her life she joined the Red Cross to give soup for the Parisian poor and was a spy for France! She helped with the war with the information she was able to gain! She wrote down what she eavesdropped from Nazi officials and wrote it in invisible ink on her sheet music which she put in her underwear to bring home to France! Ha! What a woman!
She continued spying even while sick. She made a recovery and stayed with American soldiers living in the same conditions as they were suffering to perform for them. She commanded black soldiers be allowed to sit up front as well.
She became a hero helping France, US and allies win the war with the information she found. She was awarded Franc’es highest honor the Legion D’Honneur!
She also was at one point a stunt pilot! She had adopted 12 children all of different ethincities to show the world that segregation of color was unnatural. She raised them each with their original religions. They all lived in a castle in Paris until her late years where her lavish living caught up and set them in poverty. At 67 she was finally received beautifully in Carnegie Hall NYC! She was back on top. She passed away the way she wished ‘breathless, spent at the end of a dance.’
I am so moved by this Burlesque performer. I enjoyed her since I heard of her, and now I’m just so completely in awe after reading about her. Josephine Baker. Amazing.
The book is ‘Josephine’ y Patricial Hruby Powell illustrated by Christian Robinson. Simple, powerful, inspiring.
What is called amazing? A person who smiles and is present? A person who knows the right words to say?
What is amazing? I’m grateful for my mess and messy humans and those with pasts who have screwed up, those screwing up now.
God what beauty to see as I am the person who is drunk in their own vomit, I am the angry person who rages their pain with violence, I am the person who leans against the city walls and pees across the concrete. I am these people too as we are all one. They exist as love in me.
The human world is a mess? Then so am I. I choose here, now. I am not separate from the mess it is in me, it is alive. I am connected to every being. Human mess is mine. My mess is human.
I will not wallow in the mud, nor will I reject it.
I touch you
I touch me
As we arch explore
In absolute surrender
I clasp hands with mirror
Connected we stand
Firmly in sifting sand
I am naught without you
Grip my hold
I will not let you fall
Throb the current
Spirit human vow
Vertical has it’s will
My body is Yours
When I step into my free
My oneness drips around me
Lengthy trail of water sprite
Brilliantly caught in the light
Echoes over and across
My heart yawns in morning fresh
Big, small, in one moment
There is no separation between
Nature is I
I touch my kin in the water