Boundaries 

Sometimes even in the face of absolute self righteous a-holeness I have to stop and realize, the bottom line is I’m responsible for how I show up and god I have come a LONG way. Because no matter how anyone else shows up, who I choose to be in the face of such identities is ultimately completely and entirely up to me. Being loving and understanding is NOT easy and god it’s a whole lot of work, daily work. And yet here I am. Still trying. 

It would be so much easier to pick up my weapons and metaphorically annihilate someone but I’ve come to a point that I don’t want to leave my self with that. In the face of my boundaries being repeatedly violated I’ve finally found my voice to speak up and be loving yet unwavering. Loving to my own being first. I have spent my life advocating for people yet now I stand as my own advocate as that is only my responsibility.

I’m tired of living as if people will respect my boundaries by default. This is naive and dangerous. Now I speak them. I love these people except now not at the expense of me. Love at the expense of me is not really me being loving anyway, that’s an unconscious form of fear manipulation. 

I would rather be honest even if in the perception of some people that costs me intimacy, love and connection. I know those who stay in my life and encourage my boundaries love me. I also know some that love me and are confronted by my boundaries either aren’t conscious of it or don’t know better. Either way, it’s my self care to make them conscious of my boundaries and care for my self accordingly.

I’m no longer attached to manipulative and hurtful reactions to me setting a healthy boundary. Be it. No persons temper tantrum to my self care is going to make me sway from being true to me.

Advertisements

Day 40 of 100 Days of Loving and Celebrating Being

Creating an intimate relationship with fear

I woke up this morning with tears and the ache in my body of processing growing. Growth is painful. It just is. And that is OK. I welcome every part of this, even though at times it feels like I am deep in the pits of hell. I was for sure not going to go on Facebook the absolute first thing in the morning, that’s not going to inspire my day. I do yoga in bed which feels nice on my bones, back and knees. However, this morning my daughter came into my bed after having a nightmare. My 7 and a half year old was sound asleep. I needed to find some motion to start moving this process that was trying to work it’s way through my body.

I gingerly slid my computer from under the pillow she had her legs on. I decided to be productive. I sat down, pulled up my book and began to write. A chapter poured through that I feel really proud of. A good one and now I’m actually looking at my other chapters like oh man, you need to live up to this chapter.  Which is both amazing and slightly daunting. I choose to look at that fear that makes it seem ‘daunting’ and allow it to just be that and not fix it. Just know that’s a fear thought and get into action.

I finished proud and got on Facebook [because I am a junkie and I fully own it. Hey, awareness is the first step.] and came back to a post with an article that had caught my eye. It’s an amazing read:

Headstands for Beginners

What I enjoyed about this is the author, Laura Samper G., created the conversation of experiencing the Headstand from the point of relating with fear.  Which is exactly where I am at. I’m in a place of pain and fear being with this however long it takes for old ways of being to die. What happens is my triggers show up which for me show up as reactionary anger which as I’ve shared in other posts, is really just my abject terror. Pure fear. Protection.

I got yesterday I have been subconsciously playing the game of trigger/attack. We’re all always playing conscious or unconscious games we either ‘win’ or ‘lose’.  I realized this was my unconscious game that I was ‘winning’. The game of ‘protection where I use my hurt to hurt others. Feeling justified with lashing out at others because of my pain and fear. It doesn’t work. I’m not being attacked. I’m safe. No one is out to get me, I’m surrounded by love. I have lost intimacy with this habit of protect, defend, attack. When I say feeling justified it was like completely letting my fear take over. Why? I realized with no relationship to my fear, of course it will continue to do that. I’m not striving for perfection, I am human, I am creating a clearing for who I know myself to be and how I have not given myself the space to show up. In relating to my fear, getting intimate with it I get to allow it and practice minimizing the effect of my reactions. Meaning, not lashing out or doing over the top actions as in domination, avoidance or any other fear action that has dire consequences and may show up like raging.

I felt myself electric yesterday, fear, rage, pain all at once felt like electricity to me. There must be something old trying to come forward into my sight to be healed. So I recognized the electricity yesterday. I recognized the triggered feeling. I got personal with it. I got to see it was all me, not outside of me that it was going on. I got present to what was under the protective anger, the deep pain of my ways of being that hurt others and that hurt me.

In this relating with fear, reading this article I found so perfect and supportive of where I am right now. I decided to take it on. I wanted to know this feeling. I have had it like it would take me forever to do a headstand. I wanted to know the proper technique so I didn’t hurt myself.  I found this amazing instructor on YouTube:

With my own modifications – I used a wall, I didn’t walk my toes up- I did it! I felt what the writer had expressed, that terror. For me fear is a protector from death, so it shows up like ‘OMG don’t do that! We’re going to die! I don’t want to die! Ahhh!’ In almost every single situation. I am so run by fear I have gotten aware of. Variations like that. It’s not what I tell myself, it is a reaction. I feel the quickening in my body, the fear in my chest, my senses become super sharp, my eyes dart, my heartbeat quickens, sometimes body trembling. Being able to face this and teach myself this very bizarre position that is just not something I am used to every day is safe, has been so huge for me! So amazing.

I am teaching myself I am safe. I am listening to my fear with gratitude. I am learning to be with my fear with love and acceptance and caring. Listening to what my fear has to say and being with that. Going deeper into where did this come from, what’s really present for me. Getting responsible. That is vital. Getting so responsible for how I am showing up and have been showing up in my life. And loving myself. Just keep loving myself. I am teaching myself I am safe by allowing fear to be safe to be with. In all of this I am also learning to trust myself. I like how this author says:

I like how the author Laura Samper G. says:

“Fear can take many forms, but the more I observe it, the more it speaks to me with love, and it manifests as a green light, a flag that points to the direction I should follow. Fear is a good friend when you get to know it.”

I love this. As I am making fear my friend to me personally it shows up as a red light/green light: “Stop. OK, now come this way.”

Being with it, being present. When I was in my avoidance of fear I noticed how much I had been avoiding life itself by not being present. By being disconnected with reality. As I create this intimate relationship with fear, I am becoming present in my daily life. I am starting to find treasures in myself I never knew I had. In my intimate relationship with fear I am opening to an intimate relationship with myself. I am starting to recognize who I know myself to be. One triggered moment at a time.

0972e93abda3420b985eab56d87b6a88

Day 32 of 100 Days of Loving and Celebrating Being

Bonding

 

Watching my inner child as it moves through the world I see a form of bonding it seeks. I find this is within me. Mother and father and child. This is my Trinity, as I am each within. I feel the energy of soil beneath my feet, rooting strong into the aliveness of Earth. Present to this deep self-nurturing and protector by self-Mother and self-Father I open to the freedom and connectedness, the remembering and play of inner child. Recalling that I am the bonding I seek, there is a stillness I feel that knows. A stillness that has always known and each time awaits patiently for my return.

This Trinity, this balance, harmony, centers peace within. Filled with nutrients of love, empathy and understanding of self, I am able to embrace my innocence and kiss it to breath. Savoring this truth, of bonding with the wholeness of my being, I feel the love, tenderness, reception and acceptance I seek flourish within. With this foundation the child in me is free to be in its wisdom, the pure wisdom only a child can hold, with the guidance, honoring and experience of the adult I am. A gentle joy tingles through my being. I am satisfied.

655f3775861ba17b2c7cb4b8a71b733f

Al final de mi alma
Yo descubrí
La voz de Dios
En la calma de mi tormenta
Más allá del río de sangre
En el tornado de añoranza
Cuando ya no puedo caminar
Con lágrimas me tiro en el suelo ardiente
Veo la luz que dice con dulzura
Ven mi amor, que está aquí conmigo
No falta nada
Ven
At the end of my soul
I discovered
The voice of God
In the calm of my storm
Beyond the river of blood
In the tornado of longing
When I can no longer walk
With tears I throw myself on the burning floor
I see the light which says with sweetness
Come my love, you are here with me
Nothing is missing
Come
ArmsOfGod_c

Day 16 of 100 Days of Loving and Celebrating Being

Honesty
I have this open freedom in my chest, in my whole body. As I continue to be vulnerable and honest I am freedom. I see the shadows that I kept in the corner are not so scary, just little dust bunnies wanting to play. As I step out more and more owning who I am without fear I feel weight lift. A sense of possibility feels like fresh breath. Feels like toes in the soil to me. I get to stand powerfully in who I am with a tender humility that brings me joy. It feels nice to be me and I like that.
1969382_471918626326048_8678476744690704611_n (1)

Day 14 of 100 Days of Loving and Celebrating Being

Sweet sleep

Good sleep hygiene is critical for optimum self care I find. It is not something that can be skimped on like an extra helping of bagels with cream cheese. It is such a necessity and the ultimate sweetness of self nurturing. Healthy sleep can be perspective shifting as in opening thoughts that inspire joy, adventure, fun and peace. Serenity, peace and joy is in part experienced with thanks to good sleep. The world shows all it’s beauty after a good nights sleep.

On that note, sweet dreams, it’s time for me to give myself this gift.

images (11)

I normalize what’s not OK
Just so I can hide today
And in the slippers of this norm
Splinters blister my naked form
In the tremble of I am
Breaks station
Delegates formation
Severs
I rectify nothing
Laying claim
Free from para
Of the site
Agonizing no more sunder
As I feel the motion shiver
Dissipating into the blood of is.
That is trickle sounding to pour
Breaking chains onto floor
What was once my pacifier
Breeds itself a liar
It’s own purpose
To kiss liars lips and taste myself
Maybe there is a reason to not hide right now
And even though I know the cave will call me
Again as we dance the mighty requiem
I know too this path will show me
Here I am in other hand
pearls_do_not_dissolve_in_mud_by_prueneta