I get to choose.

When hate gets passed onto me- and who knows how far it has traveled to get to me- I have a choice what to do with it once it’s in my hands. I feel its impression as it permeates in finger tips. I feel my fear, pain, rage as it shines a light on my own hate in me.

I now hear myself ask, ‘What do you want to give them?’, just before I’m about to rage at someone else over the hate a person shared with me. And I can’t do it. I can’t pass on the hate. I cannot get into the details my body will not let me.

I choose to let it end in me. I set a boundary with the person being heinous, which is my self love, my right to say ‘No’, I do not have to allow myself to be hurt.

If I am to let the journey of such hate end in me, I need to love myself with an uncomfortable brave ferocity.

So I do. I love the reflection of the hate in me this person has shown me as I am not separate from them. I give my love to the coward in me that writhes in attack. I bow to the innocence in me as the origins of all of this is self preservation, aloneness, abandonment.

And I rise with the self respect in me that calls for what is right and respects what needs to be done to transmute this hate and then give what I truly want to give. Love and honor.

To give this I must let all that is not, end in me.

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Can you see?

Objectification cannot exist without first a disconnect from the heart. To be able to look at the nude form and see it’s expression of deep vulnerability, innate innocence and purity opens up the door to see and experience this in self. Can you see his heart and purity? Do you see life force expressing itself? Or do you just see flesh to be ‘done to’?

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Day 40 of 100 Days of Loving and Celebrating Being

Creating an intimate relationship with fear

I woke up this morning with tears and the ache in my body of processing growing. Growth is painful. It just is. And that is OK. I welcome every part of this, even though at times it feels like I am deep in the pits of hell. I was for sure not going to go on Facebook the absolute first thing in the morning, that’s not going to inspire my day. I do yoga in bed which feels nice on my bones, back and knees. However, this morning my daughter came into my bed after having a nightmare. My 7 and a half year old was sound asleep. I needed to find some motion to start moving this process that was trying to work it’s way through my body.

I gingerly slid my computer from under the pillow she had her legs on. I decided to be productive. I sat down, pulled up my book and began to write. A chapter poured through that I feel really proud of. A good one and now I’m actually looking at my other chapters like oh man, you need to live up to this chapter.  Which is both amazing and slightly daunting. I choose to look at that fear that makes it seem ‘daunting’ and allow it to just be that and not fix it. Just know that’s a fear thought and get into action.

I finished proud and got on Facebook [because I am a junkie and I fully own it. Hey, awareness is the first step.] and came back to a post with an article that had caught my eye. It’s an amazing read:

Headstands for Beginners

What I enjoyed about this is the author, Laura Samper G., created the conversation of experiencing the Headstand from the point of relating with fear.  Which is exactly where I am at. I’m in a place of pain and fear being with this however long it takes for old ways of being to die. What happens is my triggers show up which for me show up as reactionary anger which as I’ve shared in other posts, is really just my abject terror. Pure fear. Protection.

I got yesterday I have been subconsciously playing the game of trigger/attack. We’re all always playing conscious or unconscious games we either ‘win’ or ‘lose’.  I realized this was my unconscious game that I was ‘winning’. The game of ‘protection where I use my hurt to hurt others. Feeling justified with lashing out at others because of my pain and fear. It doesn’t work. I’m not being attacked. I’m safe. No one is out to get me, I’m surrounded by love. I have lost intimacy with this habit of protect, defend, attack. When I say feeling justified it was like completely letting my fear take over. Why? I realized with no relationship to my fear, of course it will continue to do that. I’m not striving for perfection, I am human, I am creating a clearing for who I know myself to be and how I have not given myself the space to show up. In relating to my fear, getting intimate with it I get to allow it and practice minimizing the effect of my reactions. Meaning, not lashing out or doing over the top actions as in domination, avoidance or any other fear action that has dire consequences and may show up like raging.

I felt myself electric yesterday, fear, rage, pain all at once felt like electricity to me. There must be something old trying to come forward into my sight to be healed. So I recognized the electricity yesterday. I recognized the triggered feeling. I got personal with it. I got to see it was all me, not outside of me that it was going on. I got present to what was under the protective anger, the deep pain of my ways of being that hurt others and that hurt me.

In this relating with fear, reading this article I found so perfect and supportive of where I am right now. I decided to take it on. I wanted to know this feeling. I have had it like it would take me forever to do a headstand. I wanted to know the proper technique so I didn’t hurt myself.  I found this amazing instructor on YouTube:

With my own modifications – I used a wall, I didn’t walk my toes up- I did it! I felt what the writer had expressed, that terror. For me fear is a protector from death, so it shows up like ‘OMG don’t do that! We’re going to die! I don’t want to die! Ahhh!’ In almost every single situation. I am so run by fear I have gotten aware of. Variations like that. It’s not what I tell myself, it is a reaction. I feel the quickening in my body, the fear in my chest, my senses become super sharp, my eyes dart, my heartbeat quickens, sometimes body trembling. Being able to face this and teach myself this very bizarre position that is just not something I am used to every day is safe, has been so huge for me! So amazing.

I am teaching myself I am safe. I am listening to my fear with gratitude. I am learning to be with my fear with love and acceptance and caring. Listening to what my fear has to say and being with that. Going deeper into where did this come from, what’s really present for me. Getting responsible. That is vital. Getting so responsible for how I am showing up and have been showing up in my life. And loving myself. Just keep loving myself. I am teaching myself I am safe by allowing fear to be safe to be with. In all of this I am also learning to trust myself. I like how this author says:

I like how the author Laura Samper G. says:

“Fear can take many forms, but the more I observe it, the more it speaks to me with love, and it manifests as a green light, a flag that points to the direction I should follow. Fear is a good friend when you get to know it.”

I love this. As I am making fear my friend to me personally it shows up as a red light/green light: “Stop. OK, now come this way.”

Being with it, being present. When I was in my avoidance of fear I noticed how much I had been avoiding life itself by not being present. By being disconnected with reality. As I create this intimate relationship with fear, I am becoming present in my daily life. I am starting to find treasures in myself I never knew I had. In my intimate relationship with fear I am opening to an intimate relationship with myself. I am starting to recognize who I know myself to be. One triggered moment at a time.

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Day 38 of 100 Days of Loving and Celebrating Being

The World is Innocent
The recent events have left me in all sorts of feelings, all over the place and has lead me to this: the world is innocent. With the persistent horrors it may not look this way and this makes it no less devastating the tragedies and pain in our daily world inflicted from human to human. What I have been seeing from this is there is so much awakened energy, all over the place with no harnessing nor guidance of. There is a missing. We live in the mess of the missing. And, there is hope.
Every single human being on this planet is innately a hero. Whether we choose to hear the call or not is how our world is showing up right now. Mostly the call isn’t being answered, or the call isn’t even heard of. As we grow as people, as humans, its consciousness of the unconscious that seems to point the way towards kindness, freedom, fulfillment. Awareness is a great start and it isn’t enough. It takes action, leadership and responsibility. The hero’s call to action, which starts with each of us. When the call isn’t answered, or avoided it is very clear the consequences.
Amazing this time we are in isn’t it? Exactly where we are supposed to be as we begin to fly in our evolution, even though, god, the destruction part of this growth shows up devestating mostly, I believe in what we are up to as we breakthrough it all.  I honestly at times just get wiped out and land flat on my face devestated about what is going on in the world right now. Then I get a glimpse of what we are up to as humans. I really get to see our commitment to greatness. I really get to see that commitment to greatness as really just who we are innately. This is innocence. It has never left, it is only the illusions we may layer over it that make it seem otherwise.
How can I see innocence in our world right now? The innocence I see is the ignorance. A place in life where all of our knowledge is culminating in remembering ancient ways, connecting with modern ways and will for all human needs being met. For me there feels a lack of rooted guidance of love/God connect, remembering that is us. I say innocence not from excusal of, there is no excuse. By innocent I do not mean not responsible. Innocence to me seeks responsibility. I see the potential of this world. It’s simply remembering we are innocent. It’s the forgetting of this which causes issue.
The innocence I see is the core of who we are as people. This beautiful grace and God connect. This precious awe of tenderness, unbridled aliveness, creativity and joy. Life itself. Universal consciousness experiencing humanity on this plane. Whether we choose to remember or not, is up to us.
Do you know you are innocent?
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Day 32 of 100 Days of Loving and Celebrating Being

Bonding

 

Watching my inner child as it moves through the world I see a form of bonding it seeks. I find this is within me. Mother and father and child. This is my Trinity, as I am each within. I feel the energy of soil beneath my feet, rooting strong into the aliveness of Earth. Present to this deep self-nurturing and protector by self-Mother and self-Father I open to the freedom and connectedness, the remembering and play of inner child. Recalling that I am the bonding I seek, there is a stillness I feel that knows. A stillness that has always known and each time awaits patiently for my return.

This Trinity, this balance, harmony, centers peace within. Filled with nutrients of love, empathy and understanding of self, I am able to embrace my innocence and kiss it to breath. Savoring this truth, of bonding with the wholeness of my being, I feel the love, tenderness, reception and acceptance I seek flourish within. With this foundation the child in me is free to be in its wisdom, the pure wisdom only a child can hold, with the guidance, honoring and experience of the adult I am. A gentle joy tingles through my being. I am satisfied.

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Day 18 of 100 Days of Loving and Celebrating Being

Commitment to communication

It is no small feat that we can understand each other. Every line is a drawing that makes up a letter. An imagined group of lines given meaning. It’s really miraculous.

What it takes to communicate feelings and experience is another factor and add listening. It takes quite a bit to create communication between individuals. Universes in constant evolution hovering in mid evolution together to express to each other what’s so for each.

I find this commitment very precious. A bare hearted innocence offered and received, given and taken.

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I normalize what’s not OK
Just so I can hide today
And in the slippers of this norm
Splinters blister my naked form
In the tremble of I am
Breaks station
Delegates formation
Severs
I rectify nothing
Laying claim
Free from para
Of the site
Agonizing no more sunder
As I feel the motion shiver
Dissipating into the blood of is.
That is trickle sounding to pour
Breaking chains onto floor
What was once my pacifier
Breeds itself a liar
It’s own purpose
To kiss liars lips and taste myself
Maybe there is a reason to not hide right now
And even though I know the cave will call me
Again as we dance the mighty requiem
I know too this path will show me
Here I am in other hand
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