Human

I’m searching my body asking myself, where am I still holding onto putting a person or people on a pedestal? The pedestal is sadomasochistic in my experience. Sadistic to search for refuge in a human being or ‘group’ of human beings only to lash out at them as they fall from my imposed faux grace. Masochistic in that it is painful to me as well as I cannot be hurtful to another unless it originates in self-flagellation. This double-edged sword of pedestalizing human beings, what am I doing? Is it fear? I feel it is massive self-avoidance and me not recognizing I’m not giving myself space to be human either. Projecting an expectation of perfection and a lack of self-tenderness and self-forgiveness.
 
What does it look like to be forgiving and tender with myself? Disrobe from the many expectations I have on me and just give myself space for breath. To engage with my heart and the conversation with my shadow which brings me back to my heart and reminds authenticity. A human being is not a solution, a human being is a human being. To seek solution in another is to ask someone else to do my human work. That doesn’t work. Only I can do my own work. Thank God! I want to do my work! It is where aliveness is for me and getting to experience life in all aspects. And perhaps learn a little bit more each day to remember the person and people before me- are human.
 
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Day 40 of 100 Days of Loving and Celebrating Being

Creating an intimate relationship with fear

I woke up this morning with tears and the ache in my body of processing growing. Growth is painful. It just is. And that is OK. I welcome every part of this, even though at times it feels like I am deep in the pits of hell. I was for sure not going to go on Facebook the absolute first thing in the morning, that’s not going to inspire my day. I do yoga in bed which feels nice on my bones, back and knees. However, this morning my daughter came into my bed after having a nightmare. My 7 and a half year old was sound asleep. I needed to find some motion to start moving this process that was trying to work it’s way through my body.

I gingerly slid my computer from under the pillow she had her legs on. I decided to be productive. I sat down, pulled up my book and began to write. A chapter poured through that I feel really proud of. A good one and now I’m actually looking at my other chapters like oh man, you need to live up to this chapter.  Which is both amazing and slightly daunting. I choose to look at that fear that makes it seem ‘daunting’ and allow it to just be that and not fix it. Just know that’s a fear thought and get into action.

I finished proud and got on Facebook [because I am a junkie and I fully own it. Hey, awareness is the first step.] and came back to a post with an article that had caught my eye. It’s an amazing read:

Headstands for Beginners

What I enjoyed about this is the author, Laura Samper G., created the conversation of experiencing the Headstand from the point of relating with fear.  Which is exactly where I am at. I’m in a place of pain and fear being with this however long it takes for old ways of being to die. What happens is my triggers show up which for me show up as reactionary anger which as I’ve shared in other posts, is really just my abject terror. Pure fear. Protection.

I got yesterday I have been subconsciously playing the game of trigger/attack. We’re all always playing conscious or unconscious games we either ‘win’ or ‘lose’.  I realized this was my unconscious game that I was ‘winning’. The game of ‘protection where I use my hurt to hurt others. Feeling justified with lashing out at others because of my pain and fear. It doesn’t work. I’m not being attacked. I’m safe. No one is out to get me, I’m surrounded by love. I have lost intimacy with this habit of protect, defend, attack. When I say feeling justified it was like completely letting my fear take over. Why? I realized with no relationship to my fear, of course it will continue to do that. I’m not striving for perfection, I am human, I am creating a clearing for who I know myself to be and how I have not given myself the space to show up. In relating to my fear, getting intimate with it I get to allow it and practice minimizing the effect of my reactions. Meaning, not lashing out or doing over the top actions as in domination, avoidance or any other fear action that has dire consequences and may show up like raging.

I felt myself electric yesterday, fear, rage, pain all at once felt like electricity to me. There must be something old trying to come forward into my sight to be healed. So I recognized the electricity yesterday. I recognized the triggered feeling. I got personal with it. I got to see it was all me, not outside of me that it was going on. I got present to what was under the protective anger, the deep pain of my ways of being that hurt others and that hurt me.

In this relating with fear, reading this article I found so perfect and supportive of where I am right now. I decided to take it on. I wanted to know this feeling. I have had it like it would take me forever to do a headstand. I wanted to know the proper technique so I didn’t hurt myself.  I found this amazing instructor on YouTube:

With my own modifications – I used a wall, I didn’t walk my toes up- I did it! I felt what the writer had expressed, that terror. For me fear is a protector from death, so it shows up like ‘OMG don’t do that! We’re going to die! I don’t want to die! Ahhh!’ In almost every single situation. I am so run by fear I have gotten aware of. Variations like that. It’s not what I tell myself, it is a reaction. I feel the quickening in my body, the fear in my chest, my senses become super sharp, my eyes dart, my heartbeat quickens, sometimes body trembling. Being able to face this and teach myself this very bizarre position that is just not something I am used to every day is safe, has been so huge for me! So amazing.

I am teaching myself I am safe. I am listening to my fear with gratitude. I am learning to be with my fear with love and acceptance and caring. Listening to what my fear has to say and being with that. Going deeper into where did this come from, what’s really present for me. Getting responsible. That is vital. Getting so responsible for how I am showing up and have been showing up in my life. And loving myself. Just keep loving myself. I am teaching myself I am safe by allowing fear to be safe to be with. In all of this I am also learning to trust myself. I like how this author says:

I like how the author Laura Samper G. says:

“Fear can take many forms, but the more I observe it, the more it speaks to me with love, and it manifests as a green light, a flag that points to the direction I should follow. Fear is a good friend when you get to know it.”

I love this. As I am making fear my friend to me personally it shows up as a red light/green light: “Stop. OK, now come this way.”

Being with it, being present. When I was in my avoidance of fear I noticed how much I had been avoiding life itself by not being present. By being disconnected with reality. As I create this intimate relationship with fear, I am becoming present in my daily life. I am starting to find treasures in myself I never knew I had. In my intimate relationship with fear I am opening to an intimate relationship with myself. I am starting to recognize who I know myself to be. One triggered moment at a time.

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For me I found the root of my loneliness is when I forget the limitlessness of love. The pain of loneliness is my collision with my own walls of limiting my expression of love. The pain is the confinement of my love flow, towards myself and as a full expression, experience, being. Releasing self-created blocks and barriers, feeling the stream passing through, looping, replenishing. There is a gentle excitement, a relaxation into the knowing and a knowing the walls will show themselves again. Each time a practice of remembering.

"Natural Bath" Woman sitting in waterfall, Iguacu National Park,

Woman sitting in waterfall, Iguacu National Park, Brazil.

This image available in the following print sizes: 8″x12″ 12″x18″ Fine Art Pricing Info

I normalize what’s not OK
Just so I can hide today
And in the slippers of this norm
Splinters blister my naked form
In the tremble of I am
Breaks station
Delegates formation
Severs
I rectify nothing
Laying claim
Free from para
Of the site
Agonizing no more sunder
As I feel the motion shiver
Dissipating into the blood of is.
That is trickle sounding to pour
Breaking chains onto floor
What was once my pacifier
Breeds itself a liar
It’s own purpose
To kiss liars lips and taste myself
Maybe there is a reason to not hide right now
And even though I know the cave will call me
Again as we dance the mighty requiem
I know too this path will show me
Here I am in other hand
pearls_do_not_dissolve_in_mud_by_prueneta

Day 92 of 100 Days of Loving Men

Day 92 of 100 Days of Loving Men
Love the wildness in man
I have seen the meme cycled frequently ‘It takes a brave man to love a wild woman’ or ‘Brave is the man who loves a wild woman’. I think the acknowledgment of the wildness in woman is powerful and beautiful and to be extended as the wildness of humanity. There is something very free beautiful and filled with wisdom in our wildness.
Here I want to give mention to loving the wildness that is man. This takes being present to wildness of self, centered from heart. I do not mean disconnected ‘wild’ as in drinking to unconsciousness, wildness is rooted in sovereignty and the innate integrity that is love. Freedom to be fully self expressed, freedom to be. I am wild woman.
No one needs permission for such freedom, the question is, can you be in the space of a man who holds such freedom? If not, perhaps there is something to look at within. Where one cannot acknowledge a man in this space, one cannot acknowledge self.
Brave is the woman who loves a wild man.
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You can also find me here:

Facebook pages:

My name page:
https://www.facebook.com/KristalDGarciaFreelanceWriter/

The Return of Femininity
https://www.facebook.com/ChoiceVoiceSelfLove/

Loving and Celebrating Men
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Twitter:
@KristalWriter

Instagram:
@LovingandCelebratingMen

 

Day 91 of 100 Days of Loving Men

Day 91 of 100 Days of Loving Men

Receive and celebrate Father energy

Some have not met their Father, or their relationship with their Father is strained. It does not mean that Father energy is not available, it is everywhere. Receiving and celebrating Father energy can be very healing.

I did not meet my Father, as I have mentioned previously. Once
I let go of my expectation for my Father to look or show up a certain way or at all [I did the same for both of my parents]. I was able to reach a point in me where I hold him with love and honor as a vital part of creating me as Life.

I started to become aware of Father energy in Nature. Just being with the energy itself and really receiving what that felt like. I also enjoy Father energy in this world in observing when it comes present in daily life.

I am never without Father energy it is everywhere, in the Cosmos, in Nature, in the animal kingdom, in humanity, Father energy is everywhere and embracing with love, life and kindness.

Here is a beautiful clip of Father energy that while watching I just let in to really nurture the little girl in me:

 

In gratitude to Fathers and Father energy. You are appreciated, loved, received.

 

You can also find me here:

Facebook pages:

My name page:
https://www.facebook.com/KristalDGarciaFreelanceWriter/

The Return of Femininity
https://www.facebook.com/ChoiceVoiceSelfLove/

Loving and Celebrating Men
https://www.facebook.com/LovingandCelebratingMen/

Twitter:
@KristalWriter

Instagram:
@LovingandCelebratingMen

 

Day 89 of 100 Days of Loving Men

Day 89 of Loving Men

Being present to habits that alienate men

A father from a parenting site that promotes Gentle Parenting recently spoke up about the pattern of ‘parenting’ pages that alienate fathers and speak primarily to mothers.
He made note of the frequent bashing of fathers on these sites that claimed gentle parenting. Sharing his frustration he corrected a meme that was aimed at mothers and shifted it
to be aimed at parents expressing wish for inclusion to share his point about including all parents.

Nothing wrong with anything aimed singularly at either parent, however, I saw the point in this particular sharing that was expressing the alienation of fathers/men in such parenting pages.

This habit of casual bashing of fathers on such sites is habit of alienating men and putting men down. I’ve also had this experience and let go of reading from those pages. After all,
how can I be open to listening to parental tips from a site that is degrading fathers?

It made me present to question, what other social habits are in the world that casually alienate men? It’s a good question for me to look at myself to see if there are any habits that I have that do the same.outer_space_planets_earth_men_fantasy_art_artwork__by_matipatloko-d8mc2mv