Being ‘right’ doesn’t make me happy…

I used to think being ‘right’ made me happy. Now I see that I confused what I thought was happiness with a high. Being ‘right’ doesn’t make me happy or bring me joy, it’s a sadistic high that I feel. Nothing necessarily wrong with that either it’s just being honest with myself about what I’m doing and what I’m choosing in the moment. With a high comes the come down and for me it’s not pretty. The righteous high comes at a cost to me. The come down is rough, the fiending for the next dose to alleviate the inner backlash is blinding. Fighting through the addiction to see what is it that nurtures me and do I dare be it?

Love has a high, however, to me that can expand into deeper connection. Like a thread sewing together. It has a substance that the righteous high does not, a foundation it seems like to me, potential to create a bond, trust, vulnerability, it eventually grounds itself in reality and then builds itself from there. The love high has its own failsafe, illusion busting written in its composition with a call to grounding and deepening in self sight in my experience.

Exploring the highs in life. Nothing wrong, even righteousness has its time. Like anything, righteousness in its excess becomes a painful addiction with a high cost to self care, self kindness and my health.

Being what nurtures me is an important selfishness.

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I get to choose.

When hate gets passed onto me- and who knows how far it has traveled to get to me- I have a choice what to do with it once it’s in my hands. I feel its impression as it permeates in finger tips. I feel my fear, pain, rage as it shines a light on my own hate in me.

I now hear myself ask, ‘What do you want to give them?’, just before I’m about to rage at someone else over the hate a person shared with me. And I can’t do it. I can’t pass on the hate. I cannot get into the details my body will not let me.

I choose to let it end in me. I set a boundary with the person being heinous, which is my self love, my right to say ‘No’, I do not have to allow myself to be hurt.

If I am to let the journey of such hate end in me, I need to love myself with an uncomfortable brave ferocity.

So I do. I love the reflection of the hate in me this person has shown me as I am not separate from them. I give my love to the coward in me that writhes in attack. I bow to the innocence in me as the origins of all of this is self preservation, aloneness, abandonment.

And I rise with the self respect in me that calls for what is right and respects what needs to be done to transmute this hate and then give what I truly want to give. Love and honor.

To give this I must let all that is not, end in me.

Everything I have been experiencing just continues to bring me back to the simplicity of life and the deep richness of simplicity, the mighty language more powerful than human thought, that which is hard for me to word beyond the thick presence of life in the wind and the restless silence yet music of presence.

All that I need is between me and the trees.

There is nothing to forgive

The wisdom of a friend shines through in these conversations of racism sharing with me those who speak such things they cannot help themselves, my soul family shares they know not what they do and my mothers voice pierces through the veil, there is nothing to forgive. I am left in tears of surrender.

So to be abundantly clear here, this does not mean I do not forgive or do not believe in the process of forgiveness. Of course I do. To me this touches a very specific place in me when my mother says these words that is hard to put into words as it is a feeling. Forgiveness is an important practice for me and these words touch something that is transformative to me. Can’t word it yet.

One of the sneakiest things I can tell myself is when I say the hate is ‘over there’ and not within me. Such a conversation is a division in me that creates myself as merciful and another as devil. When in reality I am both. It is all within me and I divide myself from humanity if I cannot own I am part of the hate in this world. I belong.

Y así vamos

Montada encima de un elefanteQue me guía en el paseo abierto especialmente para mí 

Con fe me dejo llevar hasta el final de mi alma que suplica mi sonrisa 

Monto de luto de lo que no puedo ver 

Arrojar todo lo que no está destinado a ser 

Y todo lo que ha cambiado su presencia 

Todo por el bien de libertad

Siento mi ser se eleva, siento mis dolores de corazón en su tramo,

Come mi corazón se expande al amor

Pido a mis guías que me mostra

Pido su ayuda

Siento el campo abierto delante de mí

Y así vamos 

*******
Riding on the back of an Elephant

Who guides me onto path opened especially for me

With faith I let myself be taken until the end of my soul which begs my smile

I ride in mourning of all I cannot see

Releasing all that is not meant to be

And all that has shifted its presence

All for the sake of liberty

I feel my being rise, I feel the aches of my heart as it stretches,

As it expands for love

I pray to my guides to show me

I ask for their help

I feel the open field before me

And so we go


Writing by me

Photo by unknown, black and white modification by me