Relating With Fear: From Bravado To Trust

Fear often masks itself as bravado- false confidence. While I understand its purpose, I’ve touched on bravado, I find myself expanding beyond this self protection. For me I would rather dive deep into the waters of my fear from a space of exploration. Not stay long, just be present with the visit. Create a relationship with my fear so that I can be present with what it is telling me when it comes up. For me this is how I allow fear to take its path and transmute. Fear can show me a lot about myself. I used to run from looking at fear. Now I know facing my fear gently, allowing vulnerability in my relationship with fear, this is my self care. This is my trust.

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Sacred Dance Between Man & Woman

I believe there is a calling out for harmony between woman & man. This harmony begins with facing the disharmony within & the unconsciousness that keeps the divide in place. First I must look: Where am I projecting my hurt onto an entire gender?
 
Sacred dance between man & woman is not only of romance. In fact what I speak of is not a romantic notion. It is the harmony between woman & man in conscious community together. Our potential as human beings is stifled until we deeply explore this.
 
Whether the conversation between man and woman is of romance, or whether it is simply in community, where do we allow politics to hurt our ability to see each other as fellow human beings?
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Cultivating Awareness

Not succeeding at something I realized my habit is to make that wrong. Making wrong is fine too and being present with feeling the loss. Yet something is actually there where I once perceived simply a lack. When I do not succeed, or when I gave up where I could have moved forward, I am not left with simply a loss. I am left with an awareness. In my ‘lack’, in my ‘loss’, in my failures, I cultivate awareness.

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The Body.

To me what I often experience is this. Those who practice a modality, such as Tantra, often begin to work like a body. However, as a body it is always open to getting sick. And as a body each individual makes up the body’s immune system. Now, when the immune system is in integrity it can recognize between pathogens -what actually creates disease, in this instance abuse and abusers, spiritual bypassing, righteous denial and arrogance. which hides abuse- and its own body. When the immune system is out of integrity it cannot distinguish between a pathogen and it’s own body and begins to attack itself.
 
Those standing up to abuse in the Tantric community are very clearly a healthy and vital part of the Tantric body and yet are often met in ‘Tantric’ spaces like they are not. Being a stand for victims, for integrity is a great stand that is for supporting the health of the Tantric body in action which begins in being. When the body senses pathogens it sends out an army of fighter cells to attack in order to keep the body healthy. Those standing for health, safety, the voice of victims and integrity in the Tantric community are only attacking the pathogens NOT the body. Yet is often confused as the other way around.
 
This is my experience as to what is often transpiring in Tantra and in any part of the human community. We are a body. If I am out of integrity with myself, I contribute to the body not being able to distinguish between pathogen and self. It absolutely all comes back to self as in doing my own work.
 
My integrity is a vital part of a healthy body. This is core.
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Words mine, Anatomy art by Juan Gatti.

Self Loathing and Self Love

In order for me to talk about self love I also need to talk about self loathing. I do not like talking about self loathing I mean ew who wants to acknowledge feeling that? However, I do feel it, it doesn’t run my life like it used to and it’s there. I’m sure self loathing will be present till my last day and to deny self loathing for me creates it as strong shadow.

To acknowledge self loathing, albeit it embarrassing or terrifying to admit even though every human feels it at some point or another, allows me to not hide away with it. With self loathing comes self punishment in the form of self talk that is not so kind. Especially if I have dissapointed myself and fallen back on some destructive habit in how I relate with others such as being suspicious of others intent and being defensive. When this happens, self loathing pops up like a jack in the box.

I now put in place really rallying for my self love when self loathing comes up. Doing the gentle work of self forgiveness and very importantly, looking at what do I need to put in place in my life to do better next time. I am very clear now that when I’m out of integrity, whether it’s dishes, laundry or not being organized with appointments etc, I get very whackado [yes that is my professional self diagnosis and no I did not go to college for that]. If I’m out of integrity with myself, same thing. Am I giving myself time for ample sleep? Doing the work on my projects I set out to do? Keeping my word to myself? Am I giving myself space to just have fun for the sheer hell of it?

The reason I also know I need to forgive myself -which does not mean dismiss what I have done or how I have shown up- is because self loathing is an unconscious way of not taking self responsibility and putting in place the actions and self care and self love I need to practice moving on from bad relating habits. If I stay in self loathing, I create the illusion I have learned something by punishing myself and that does not actually support me really learning the lesson I need to learn from my actions. It’s really not necessary to go into self loathing at all, logically I know this and it is still present and probably always will be on some level. This old form of self correct I believe comes from survival. If you feel bad, you learn the lesson, you survive. Short term, that works, long term it is not safe. Choosing to do the work to discover what it looks like to move from survival mode to thriving mode for me means exploring ways of allowing the lesson to show itself while being kind and gentle with me. This is my idea,l as much as I can practice doing this is healing. I deserve to love myself and I can possibly make a difference even a bit faster as I shorten the space I give for self loathing. Sometimes I am able to move through self loathing very quickly, other times, it takes a bit more work. When I wallow in self loathing and create the illusion I have learned something I subconsciously excuse myself from being the creator of my life and being able to love myself. I feel that also takes up some pretty valuable time I could be putting towards celebrating life and my being and simply enjoy the beauty in life. By moving into self love, I am able to grasp the impact of my actions and let go of self flagellation and really put things in place to do better next time.

Am I terrified I will mess up again? For sure. And that is part of learning is facing the fear and continuing to practice, practice, practice for my breakthrough. I’m worth that. To me this is how self love is self responsibility and self loathing simply a way to remind me to come back to the love I am. I feel this is what the shadow does and so for me, the shadow is self love. I am learning to acknowledge when self loathing has come present and affirm to myself that I am going to do the work to check in with my integrity and self care while learning the impact of how I showed up and trust myself to practice making changes. I’m seeing when I practice this, self love can show up just a little bit faster each time and for me this means self loathing is just a little less needed each time too.

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Self Love Warrior

I have created my life so that everything I am working on and working with is based on Self Love. My book, ‘100 Days Of Loving Men: A Woman’s Journey Into Recovery’. My YouTube channel ‘Celebrating The Love Of Being’ which all comes down to loving self, simply in being. My hashtag campaign #MyRebellionIsSelfLove which has become a space for me to be with in me and identifying as Self Love Warrior which has been a cool way to refocus myself and thoughts, new new practice. And finally, creating my own brand of Burlesque, Rebel Soul Burlesque which is all about self love and uses the motto ‘My Rebellion Is Self Love.
 
So, here I sit in the face of my failures, recent and past, and ask myself, who the hell am I to talk so much about self love? To surround myself with all of these things all based on the conversation of self love even when I have the very human experience of self loathing come up for me? Sitting here in a battle for my self love and claiming my space in the conversation of self love and in my life? Which really all comes down to me asking- Who am I to love myself?
 
I am starting to reply- Who am I to not? Sitting face to face with my shadow, facing uncertainty and the terror of the unknown who am I not to love me? Who am I not to battle for my self love when I need to? Who am I to not keep holding and looking at all that I want to hide and rather instead, love myself? So I hold myself with tenderness and bend my knees as I stand on the ship that braves the storm so that I may ride the choppy waters and not get sea sick. I am here to love myself.
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