Self Loathing and Self Love

In order for me to talk about self love I also need to talk about self loathing. I do not like talking about self loathing I mean ew who wants to acknowledge feeling that? However, I do feel it, it doesn’t run my life like it used to and it’s there. I’m sure self loathing will be present till my last day and to deny self loathing for me creates it as strong shadow.

To acknowledge self loathing, albeit it embarrassing or terrifying to admit even though every human feels it at some point or another, allows me to not hide away with it. With self loathing comes self punishment in the form of self talk that is not so kind. Especially if I have dissapointed myself and fallen back on some destructive habit in how I relate with others such as being suspicious of others intent and being defensive. When this happens, self loathing pops up like a jack in the box.

I now put in place really rallying for my self love when self loathing comes up. Doing the gentle work of self forgiveness and very importantly, looking at what do I need to put in place in my life to do better next time. I am very clear now that when I’m out of integrity, whether it’s dishes, laundry or not being organized with appointments etc, I get very whackado [yes that is my professional self diagnosis and no I did not go to college for that]. If I’m out of integrity with myself, same thing. Am I giving myself time for ample sleep? Doing the work on my projects I set out to do? Keeping my word to myself? Am I giving myself space to just have fun for the sheer hell of it?

The reason I also know I need to forgive myself -which does not mean dismiss what I have done or how I have shown up- is because self loathing is an unconscious way of not taking self responsibility and putting in place the actions and self care and self love I need to practice moving on from bad relating habits. If I stay in self loathing, I create the illusion I have learned something by punishing myself and that does not actually support me really learning the lesson I need to learn from my actions. It’s really not necessary to go into self loathing at all, logically I know this and it is still present and probably always will be on some level. This old form of self correct I believe comes from survival. If you feel bad, you learn the lesson, you survive. Short term, that works, long term it is not safe. Choosing to do the work to discover what it looks like to move from survival mode to thriving mode for me means exploring ways of allowing the lesson to show itself while being kind and gentle with me. This is my idea,l as much as I can practice doing this is healing. I deserve to love myself and I can possibly make a difference even a bit faster as I shorten the space I give for self loathing. Sometimes I am able to move through self loathing very quickly, other times, it takes a bit more work. When I wallow in self loathing and create the illusion I have learned something I subconsciously excuse myself from being the creator of my life and being able to love myself. I feel that also takes up some pretty valuable time I could be putting towards celebrating life and my being and simply enjoy the beauty in life. By moving into self love, I am able to grasp the impact of my actions and let go of self flagellation and really put things in place to do better next time.

Am I terrified I will mess up again? For sure. And that is part of learning is facing the fear and continuing to practice, practice, practice for my breakthrough. I’m worth that. To me this is how self love is self responsibility and self loathing simply a way to remind me to come back to the love I am. I feel this is what the shadow does and so for me, the shadow is self love. I am learning to acknowledge when self loathing has come present and affirm to myself that I am going to do the work to check in with my integrity and self care while learning the impact of how I showed up and trust myself to practice making changes. I’m seeing when I practice this, self love can show up just a little bit faster each time and for me this means self loathing is just a little less needed each time too.

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Listening To The Body: Pain

I don’t believe pain should be used for correction. When we use pain to correct a child’s behavior I believe it creates an abnormal relationship to pain and may even turn pain into a fetish. I see pain as very important and healthy, it is the body speaking saying ‘Something has happened or is happening, something is not right, please listen to me’.
 
Using pain as correction either in childhood or adulthood, ether physically or emotionally, I feel can support muting the voice of pain in the body. If pain is used to correct, it is no longer a language of the body to be heard, but rather an experience to avoid and mute out. This can be dangerous. Pain is not bad, it is the voice of the body calling us to check in, same with emotional pain I feel. Pain is not the issue it is the relationship with pain or lack thereof that can cause issues. Pain is the body’s gift to remind of safety and to check in with health.
 
Being present with and listening to pain, having a mindful relationship with pain, is a vital part of health. The relationship with pain I don’t believe needs to be so scary, but rather a call for health.
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Self Love Warrior

The warrior in me has held my hand through trials and unknown, to bring me from war weary battlefields to the beauty of braving the challenge of being the Love I know myself to be.

#MyRebellionIsSelfLove

Officially introducing my hashtag campaign: #MyRebellionIsSelfLove

For me self love is the most important ‘act’ of rebellion, which is instead- simply being 😊❤️

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Instagram: @lovingandcelebratingmen

Twitter: @KristalDGarcia

Innate Being

Illusions of fear, yes, for what am I afraid of when I grip myself with it so tight? Is it the unknown? Fear of loss of love the broken altar on which I sacrifice my authenticity, only to remind myself my innate inheritance- in fact what makes up my very being -is love. If there is nowhere to run to in order to experience love, then the truth must be there is no one to run from to experience it either.

Mindfulness & The Garden

Even in anger I can find expression if I choose mindfulness. If I choose to not be mindful then I truly miss out my bravado is then a show simply for myself as it is clear to everyone else what I have chosen. Which yes is fine too and I’m the one who misses out on the vibrant gardens waiting in my blindspots asking me to come play, breathe and bathe in my own aliveness. Treasure waiting for me will then have to wait until next time when the call brings me to its precipice again. I challenge myself each time in hopes I get to choose the garden. I like gardens, especially when gardens are being shared with me. What a beautiful invitation.

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From Suicidal to Self Care

Good morning. Today’s video: From Suicidal to Self Care.
I’m making a video every day until the end of the Kickstarter to give you insight into the book and my voice.
 
Only 9 more days to make ‘100 Days of Loving Men: A Woman’s Journey Into Recovery’ a reality! If you want to see this conversation out in the world please take a moment and invest in my Kickstarter:
 
Thank you and feel free to share this post and get the word out there.
Photo by me:
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