Totally in inner-Scientist mode. Welcome to my laboratory.
My laboratory is not of beakers and measurements (though that stuff is super cool too), mine is one of heart, mind, body, soul and all that of which I do not know.
Serums, elixirs, unconsciousness mixing with the breath of presence and into explosions of awareness, shiny things, much pressing to see ‘what does this button do?’ and bracing myself for the inevitable dive into the human experiment of deep unconsciousness.
How else can I truly live and be alive if I do not test my own limitations, self conversation and my own habits in the laboratory of my own being?
Art by Travis Bedel
The warrior in me has held my hand through trials and unknown, to bring me from war weary battlefields to the beauty of braving the challenge of being the Love I know myself to be.
Officially introducing my hashtag campaign: #MyRebellionIsSelfLove
For me self love is the most important ‘act’ of rebellion, which is instead- simply being 😊❤️
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I used to think being ‘right’ made me happy. Now I see that I confused what I thought was happiness with a high. Being ‘right’ doesn’t make me happy or bring me joy, it’s a sadistic high that I feel. Nothing necessarily wrong with that either it’s just being honest with myself about what I’m doing and what I’m choosing in the moment. With a high comes the come down and for me it’s not pretty. The righteous high comes at a cost to me. The come down is rough, the fiending for the next dose to alleviate the inner backlash is blinding. Fighting through the addiction to see what is it that nurtures me and do I dare be it?
Love has a high, however, to me that can expand into deeper connection. Like a thread sewing together. It has a substance that the righteous high does not, a foundation it seems like to me, potential to create a bond, trust, vulnerability, it eventually grounds itself in reality and then builds itself from there. The love high has its own failsafe, illusion busting written in its composition with a call to grounding and deepening in self sight in my experience.
Exploring the highs in life. Nothing wrong, even righteousness has its time. Like anything, righteousness in its excess becomes a painful addiction with a high cost to self care, self kindness and my health.
Being what nurtures me is an important selfishness.
For those who do not know, the past 3 months have been very challenging for me. I have a tendency to underplay my challenges, I’m not going to do that here. I had a hard time breathing nearly every day dealing with acid reflux and could barely eat. I was put on medication. I put myself on a very strict diet of potatoes, egg whites, boiled chicken, boiled beets, ground turkey and lettuce with no seasoning at all including salt. Do not do this. It’s not a healthy choice for people. I do not recommend it as a diet. Can’t stress that enough. It could cause complicatioins and major health issues. For me it was a healthy self care choice considering the other option was restricted breathing due to high acid and ending up in the ER.
Without going into too much detail, after 2 and a half months of many doctors and ER visits the source of my agony was found. My gallbladder. About 2 weeks ago I had surgery and my gallbladder removed and I’ve been healing since.
Today this meal I’m sharing is the first full well rounded real meal I have had in 3 months.
When I was exhausted, worn out and just devastated with what I’ve been dealing with the past 3 months a sweet random message from a friend meant the world to me❤
And the real thing here is, I prayed for all of this! I was overweight to the point of being pre-diabeitc and having high cholesterol and I prayed ‘God, please help me lose weight, get fit, healthy and help me with my food addiction’ and then boom! This happened! It’s amazing how I really get what I ask for and how well taken care of I am by the Universe. It was like I had to get sick to get healthy. I’m no longer prediabetic nor do I have high cholesterol.
What opened up for me too was a brand new appreciation for the tastes of food on their own flavor! Oh my god. The taste of this succulent salmon in it’s own fats, the taste of fresh pan seared spinach oh my god wow! I added fat free feta and one of my favorite fruits, grapes.
As I was savoring the crispness of the fish skin fried in nothing but it’s own flavor and the freshness of the salmon meat, oh my god I put my chopsticks down and was so hit by this moment so filled with gratitude my eyes filled with tears and I began to cry. Just so filled with gratitude my heart just swelling with this moment.
I’m grateful for all of it. Every agony. Every trial. This experience has shifted my view on health, food, self love, self care in ways that I never expected to actually happen for me. What appeared as at first ‘why me?’ really was a prayer answered and a dream fulfilled. This experience has shifted my view on life in ways I’m not sure I’m fully conscious of yet and I am thrilled as I am grateful.
Montada encima de un elefanteQue me guía en el paseo abierto especialmente para mí
Con fe me dejo llevar hasta el final de mi alma que suplica mi sonrisa
Monto de luto de lo que no puedo ver
Arrojar todo lo que no está destinado a ser
Y todo lo que ha cambiado su presencia
Todo por el bien de libertad
Siento mi ser se eleva, siento mis dolores de corazón en su tramo,
Come mi corazón se expande al amor
Pido a mis guías que me mostra
Pido su ayuda
Siento el campo abierto delante de mí
Y así vamos
Riding on the back of an Elephant
Who guides me onto path opened especially for me
With faith I let myself be taken until the end of my soul which begs my smile
I ride in mourning of all I cannot see
Releasing all that is not meant to be
And all that has shifted its presence
All for the sake of liberty
I feel my being rise, I feel the aches of my heart as it stretches,
As it expands for love
I pray to my guides to show me
I ask for their help
I feel the open field before me
And so we go
Photo by unknown, black and white modification by me