Nothing better than right now

I realized that I have these torture fantasies I call them that I play out in my head to punish myself with. I know it’s a human thing and I was thinking about it while doing the dishes. I realized that I replay these fantasies on loop in my head of what could have been or what I thought could be or what could have been in the future if I had only done ‘better’, been ‘better’, etc. It’s like I have this alternate reality on a pedestal that just is not real and I use it to punish myself for not being ‘enough’ to have created that. I named these ‘torture fantasies’ today and that helps me snap out of it and even laugh about it a bit.
The theme is ‘not good enough’ to have created my fantasy alternate reality that I praise. But it doesn’t exist! It’s not real! If it were real it would be now. The reality is I have always done what has felt right for me in the moment and every single person I have related with even on a ‘stranger’ level has always done what has felt right for them in the moment, authentic or not. That’s just all there has been. And exactly where I am right now is perfect. And exactly where I have been is perfect and exactly where I will be will also be perfect. And it all just doesn’t matter so much.
What matters to me is that I can see that exactly where I am is where I am meant to be and it is awesome. It’s just so freeing to be aware of my alternate reality praising and bring myself back. I’m sure this is a life long game of mechanisms vs the present lol It felt cool to have a moment of jolting today of wait.. what the hell am I doing?? A beautiful day and I’m torturing myself over not being ‘good enough’ for my alternate reality?? hahahaa it’s so great to find comedy in it. The fact is I am ‘good enough’ and more. I am in a great place, comparison to fantasy alternate reality not necessary. I do compare it to how far I’ve come in taking care of myself, in appreciating my life and all that entails. No I don’t live in my fantasy alternate reality and I’m glad. Because I’m finally proud of exactly where I am right now. It’s beautiful. It’s real and I love it. Even the challenges, although I don’t always love them at first, or at all, and they are real. Real is beautiful, even in the ugly. Nothing is better than my right now in each now.

Day 11 of 100 Days of Loving and Celebrating Being

Hope and gratitude

Hope is a very delicate thing. A tender whisper cupped to breast. I can place it in the arms of gratitude and allow it to flourish. It is but a tiny presence purring ‘grow me’. I surrender in it’s call for grace. The unknown pregnant with miracles beyond my awareness. All I can do is trust. I bathe in stream of gratitude, taste the honey of now. Fruit pressed to my lips allowing gentle crease, tastes of heaven. In the now I am whole.


Day 4 of 100 Days of Loving and Celebrating Being

My Romance with life.

The morning dawns gently whispering through my blinds. Fluff of comforter softly against my skin. Gratitude released through lips of a smile. Engulfed in last nights cocoon, layers upon my waking body, I snuggle into the softness.

I feel the tingle of life across my being. Hear the hum of the garbage truck feeding it’s belly diligently. Creaking as it works it’s form, sporadic release of air hissing it’s effort. Cars exert their honking, an echo in the background. The city’s animals are waking up, their mechanical stirrings pleasantly thick.

Adventure tugs at my toes tenderly. My heart increase beat with wonder. No matter how a day is planned, I can never truly know what is going to happen. It is in the unknown that creation breathes.

My fingertips, highly sensitive to each touch, scroll across material. Awakens my connect with life, as life. The portals of me yawn awake calling attention. I listen to their ancient wisdom as they ask. My only answer is yes.

Nature’s voice prominent. I surrender. Breathe ecstasy, pour through me, in me, as me.

My life is my romance.