Nothing better than right now

I realized that I have these torture fantasies I call them that I play out in my head to punish myself with. I know it’s a human thing and I was thinking about it while doing the dishes. I realized that I replay these fantasies on loop in my head of what could have been or what I thought could be or what could have been in the future if I had only done ‘better’, been ‘better’, etc. It’s like I have this alternate reality on a pedestal that just is not real and I use it to punish myself for not being ‘enough’ to have created that. I named these ‘torture fantasies’ today and that helps me snap out of it and even laugh about it a bit.
 
The theme is ‘not good enough’ to have created my fantasy alternate reality that I praise. But it doesn’t exist! It’s not real! If it were real it would be now. The reality is I have always done what has felt right for me in the moment and every single person I have related with even on a ‘stranger’ level has always done what has felt right for them in the moment, authentic or not. That’s just all there has been. And exactly where I am right now is perfect. And exactly where I have been is perfect and exactly where I will be will also be perfect. And it all just doesn’t matter so much.
 
What matters to me is that I can see that exactly where I am is where I am meant to be and it is awesome. It’s just so freeing to be aware of my alternate reality praising and bring myself back. I’m sure this is a life long game of mechanisms vs the present lol It felt cool to have a moment of jolting today of wait.. what the hell am I doing?? A beautiful day and I’m torturing myself over not being ‘good enough’ for my alternate reality?? hahahaa it’s so great to find comedy in it. The fact is I am ‘good enough’ and more. I am in a great place, comparison to fantasy alternate reality not necessary. I do compare it to how far I’ve come in taking care of myself, in appreciating my life and all that entails. No I don’t live in my fantasy alternate reality and I’m glad. Because I’m finally proud of exactly where I am right now. It’s beautiful. It’s real and I love it. Even the challenges, although I don’t always love them at first, or at all, and they are real. Real is beautiful, even in the ugly. Nothing is better than my right now in each now.
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Day 31 of 100 Days of Loving and Celebrating Being

Forgiveness

I have found much of my anger and resentment is rooted in avoiding forgiveness. Forgiveness of past anything. In allowance, I experience what forgiveness feels like in my body. I envision tall grass speckled with bright purple flowers. Not far to my left there is a house, it is simple and filled with the feeling of family, friendship, love, cozy. I see a warm wave of golden light rolling across the grass with a kaleidoscope of butterflies coming towards me and entering my heart.The butterflies are unexpected, I haven’t given them much thought in I can’t remember when.

Under canopy of kissing trees arms adorned with fruit, down the path of forgiveness, there is at the final stretch by the rolling waves, forgiveness of self. I unpack my final releasings a glass orb representative of what I used to use to harm myself. I expel it to be swallowed by the ocean. I will return here as needed. I sit looking at my embroidered shoes, enjoying the flow of my dress and robe pooling around me. I watch the sunset before I head back home. Fireflies kiss my path illuminating my steps.

This is my most beautiful gift to myself, self-forgiveness. It is only ever within me. I feel my pack empty and transformed, ready for the next trip.

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Day 11 of 100 Days of Loving and Celebrating Being

Hope and gratitude

Hope is a very delicate thing. A tender whisper cupped to breast. I can place it in the arms of gratitude and allow it to flourish. It is but a tiny presence purring ‘grow me’. I surrender in it’s call for grace. The unknown pregnant with miracles beyond my awareness. All I can do is trust. I bathe in stream of gratitude, taste the honey of now. Fruit pressed to my lips allowing gentle crease, tastes of heaven. In the now I am whole.

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