Mindfulness & The Garden

Even in anger I can find expression if I choose mindfulness. If I choose to not be mindful then I truly miss out my bravado is then a show simply for myself as it is clear to everyone else what I have chosen. Which yes is fine too and I’m the one who misses out on the vibrant gardens waiting in my blindspots asking me to come play, breathe and bathe in my own aliveness. Treasure waiting for me will then have to wait until next time when the call brings me to its precipice again. I challenge myself each time in hopes I get to choose the garden. I like gardens, especially when gardens are being shared with me. What a beautiful invitation.

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Thrive

It’s very interesting to challenge my very perceptions as I continue to thrive. Shedding the habits of survival to take on the garments of thriving means second-guessing what I’ve found comfortable and what I have even defended as ‘nurturing’. I have deceived myself in survival mode to interpret limiting beliefs as ‘nurturing’ as for that time period those habits were ‘safe’. And survival is about perceived safety. However, as I thrive I see defending that which keeps me small is no longer a fit. I am grateful for survival mode bringing me this far and keeping me safe in its own way, and now I challenge my perception. I find myself seeing that what truly nurtures me, challenges me. Challenges me to trust myself, challenges me to believe in myself, challenges me to expand beyond my fears and perceived limits. This challenge to me is married with creativity.

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womenspages8

The military is the reason we are free to live how we live. The military is filled with men and women making the ultimate sacrifice to keep our countries safe. To keep the war from our doors. To have to be in war face to face and then come home and try to have a normal life then be treated with disdain or met with hate from those you served to protect must be incredibly painful. The reality is we don’t live in a society where every human being has mastered full self-responsibility or even partial self-responsibility. This isn’t a question of conspiracy it is all very simple to me, it all comes down to self-responsibility.It’s so easy for me to find the devil outside and make the world so wrong, and I belong here.
 
When I am disconnected from ‘I belong’ that’s when I cannot see my part in who I am being in the world and what I am supporting. And If I cannot see myself as belonging, well then there is no way I am going to be responsible for everything that’s happening ‘out there’ because that’s not mine, I don’t belong to that. Except I do. I belong to everything that’s on this planet. The war, the hate, the love, the beauty, the sacrifice and the indulgence. To spit at our protectors is a luxury they paid for with their lives. It’s not something I choose to do as I have respect for those who have given all so that I can walk the streets safely and in freedom. So that I can exercise my human rights so that I can have the luxury of taking my freedoms for granted until I remind myself who keeps those freedoms in place. I stand by our military wholeheartedly and am humbled by their sacrifice.
 
The only way war one day will no longer be necessary is in elevated levels of self-responsibility.
 
The military, the police, they only exist to bring integrity to the lack of self-responsibility. I can make a difference in the conversation of war and that starts with my own self-responsibility. As I challenge myself to be responsible with my own perceptions and my own choices and my own conversations that is how I make my footprint in the conversation that is war. Because ultimately war is a conversation, a conversation with my self.
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Being ‘right’ doesn’t make me happy…

I used to think being ‘right’ made me happy. Now I see that I confused what I thought was happiness with a high. Being ‘right’ doesn’t make me happy or bring me joy, it’s a sadistic high that I feel. Nothing necessarily wrong with that either it’s just being honest with myself about what I’m doing and what I’m choosing in the moment. With a high comes the come down and for me it’s not pretty. The righteous high comes at a cost to me. The come down is rough, the fiending for the next dose to alleviate the inner backlash is blinding. Fighting through the addiction to see what is it that nurtures me and do I dare be it?

Love has a high, however, to me that can expand into deeper connection. Like a thread sewing together. It has a substance that the righteous high does not, a foundation it seems like to me, potential to create a bond, trust, vulnerability, it eventually grounds itself in reality and then builds itself from there. The love high has its own failsafe, illusion busting written in its composition with a call to grounding and deepening in self sight in my experience.

Exploring the highs in life. Nothing wrong, even righteousness has its time. Like anything, righteousness in its excess becomes a painful addiction with a high cost to self care, self kindness and my health.

Being what nurtures me is an important selfishness.

I get to choose.

When hate gets passed onto me- and who knows how far it has traveled to get to me- I have a choice what to do with it once it’s in my hands. I feel its impression as it permeates in finger tips. I feel my fear, pain, rage as it shines a light on my own hate in me.

I now hear myself ask, ‘What do you want to give them?’, just before I’m about to rage at someone else over the hate a person shared with me. And I can’t do it. I can’t pass on the hate. I cannot get into the details my body will not let me.

I choose to let it end in me. I set a boundary with the person being heinous, which is my self love, my right to say ‘No’, I do not have to allow myself to be hurt.

If I am to let the journey of such hate end in me, I need to love myself with an uncomfortable brave ferocity.

So I do. I love the reflection of the hate in me this person has shown me as I am not separate from them. I give my love to the coward in me that writhes in attack. I bow to the innocence in me as the origins of all of this is self preservation, aloneness, abandonment.

And I rise with the self respect in me that calls for what is right and respects what needs to be done to transmute this hate and then give what I truly want to give. Love and honor.

To give this I must let all that is not, end in me.

Nurturing

I believe a lot of the conversations I have hurt myself with I may have had an innocent need to be seen. My little girl with heart open asking to be seen. I do not fault this, it is a human desire, I just look now at where perhaps that is not self care for me. I look to see where I am unconsicously carrying this unmet need as pain. I look for the root of this aching need, what it looks like to nurture this in myself.

Do you nurture your needs?

Painting by unknown artist