There is nothing to forgive

The wisdom of a friend shines through in these conversations of racism sharing with me those who speak such things they cannot help themselves, my soul family shares they know not what they do and my mothers voice pierces through the veil, there is nothing to forgive. I am left in tears of surrender.

So to be abundantly clear here, this does not mean I do not forgive or do not believe in the process of forgiveness. Of course I do. To me this touches a very specific place in me when my mother says these words that is hard to put into words as it is a feeling. Forgiveness is an important practice for me and these words touch something that is transformative to me. Can’t word it yet.

One of the sneakiest things I can tell myself is when I say the hate is ‘over there’ and not within me. Such a conversation is a division in me that creates myself as merciful and another as devil. When in reality I am both. It is all within me and I divide myself from humanity if I cannot own I am part of the hate in this world. I belong.

Y así vamos

Montada encima de un elefanteQue me guía en el paseo abierto especialmente para mí 

Con fe me dejo llevar hasta el final de mi alma que suplica mi sonrisa 

Monto de luto de lo que no puedo ver 

Arrojar todo lo que no está destinado a ser 

Y todo lo que ha cambiado su presencia 

Todo por el bien de libertad

Siento mi ser se eleva, siento mis dolores de corazón en su tramo,

Come mi corazón se expande al amor

Pido a mis guías que me mostra

Pido su ayuda

Siento el campo abierto delante de mí

Y así vamos 

*******
Riding on the back of an Elephant

Who guides me onto path opened especially for me

With faith I let myself be taken until the end of my soul which begs my smile

I ride in mourning of all I cannot see

Releasing all that is not meant to be

And all that has shifted its presence

All for the sake of liberty

I feel my being rise, I feel the aches of my heart as it stretches,

As it expands for love

I pray to my guides to show me

I ask for their help

I feel the open field before me

And so we go


Writing by me

Photo by unknown, black and white modification by me

Boundaries 

Sometimes even in the face of absolute self righteous a-holeness I have to stop and realize, the bottom line is I’m responsible for how I show up and god I have come a LONG way. Because no matter how anyone else shows up, who I choose to be in the face of such identities is ultimately completely and entirely up to me. Being loving and understanding is NOT easy and god it’s a whole lot of work, daily work. And yet here I am. Still trying. 

It would be so much easier to pick up my weapons and metaphorically annihilate someone but I’ve come to a point that I don’t want to leave my self with that. In the face of my boundaries being repeatedly violated I’ve finally found my voice to speak up and be loving yet unwavering. Loving to my own being first. I have spent my life advocating for people yet now I stand as my own advocate as that is only my responsibility.

I’m tired of living as if people will respect my boundaries by default. This is naive and dangerous. Now I speak them. I love these people except now not at the expense of me. Love at the expense of me is not really me being loving anyway, that’s an unconscious form of fear manipulation. 

I would rather be honest even if in the perception of some people that costs me intimacy, love and connection. I know those who stay in my life and encourage my boundaries love me. I also know some that love me and are confronted by my boundaries either aren’t conscious of it or don’t know better. Either way, it’s my self care to make them conscious of my boundaries and care for my self accordingly.

I’m no longer attached to manipulative and hurtful reactions to me setting a healthy boundary. Be it. No persons temper tantrum to my self care is going to make me sway from being true to me.

For me the fear of not belonging has fueled much discontent. And much of me viewing myself as separate from other. However, if I stand in self responsibility I can see I do belong. I am not separate. I am all I see around me. Yes I am unique, each being is unique. And unique does not equate to separate. 
Self acknowledgement does not separate, it expands and unites. For me self acknowledgement and self responsibility dissipate old fears with tender knowing I am connected. It is me I am exploring, the ancient me in many forms. I belong not because of an action, I belong simply by being.

The play is over.

In looking I’ve realized I have spent much of my life subconsciously looking at history like a play wondering where do I fit, what part is mine to take on? The thing is, the play is over. It’s over. I don’t have to follow a role. I can do whatever I want. It’s a worthwhile play to learn from, not a play for me to keep leapfrogging throughout my life in the name of preservation. Not to perpetuate it blindly based on the fear of perpetuating it blindly. 
Every part of history is mine. I belong to every single part of it as it is ultimately about humanity, this planet and its inhabitants. I am not separate from any of it. I am both innocent and guilty. Not from shame from awareness, self love and self acceptance. It is all mine. I belong. With that lesson in mind I am free. The play is over. Who I choose to be now is solely my responsibility.