I’ve reached a boiling point with the ‘Tantric’ discussion. It’s time for a conversation of awareness and self care to awaken in society. Somehow we’ve come to idolize Porn Stars as the epitome of what it is to be a human being. Porn Stars as human beings are people and their choice is theirs I don’t shame them for it. What I’m speaking to is the sex addiction in our society that we have come to praise the sex industry as if it is a symbol of freedom and sexual empowerment or even the ultimate way to be. It is neither, nor is it even original. The sex industry in my experience is a black hole of pain that hurts people yet exists as a bandaid in society for what I believe we all contribute to in our own unconsciousness.
So called ‘Tantra’ which is not actually Tantra it is the bastardization of an ancient tradition that I myself am not schooled in. Listening to those who have actually been schooled in Tantra and are pure in knowledge and coming from my own experience in the sex industry, what I see being paraded as ‘Tantra’ is nothing more than very sneaky porn.
What’s even a bit more twisted is the flowery language and gaslighting that is being used in the name of ‘spirituality’ in the ‘Tantric’ conversation. Often in the name of the ‘goddess’. Primarily men are spoken to as if they are not good enough for women and they must be fixed to serve women. The sacred masculine is hardly if ever addressed and when he is, it is only to shame him for ‘patriarchy’ and somehow he must atone for his seemingly original sin of being born male. It is done with much bravado and in the guise of ‘helping men’ to be ‘better lovers’ while completely dismissing the hearts of men and that men are full beings beyond their bodies. These ‘Tantric’ conversations feign caring about men and making men happy when actually they treat men as a tool to make women happy and disregard their own happiness. It doesn’t ’empower’ male sexuality, it dominates male sexuality. Only men can say what feels right for them sexually and not just sexually, from their hearts. Enough of the conversations that objectify men for their sex while ignoring their hearts. It’s a violation of their boundaries and a man’s ‘No’ matters. His boundaries matter. Men are not here to ‘serve the goddess’, which is a paraphrased way of saying to ‘serve women’ as if men’s needs do not also matter. A man’s needs matter, he matters, his heart matters. His ‘No’ matters. Men your sexuality is not lacking for being a male, your sexuality is important and beautiful as is your heart, mind and soul. I honor all that you are. You are not just a body to be objectified and I am sorry that as a society we have fallen behind on honoring you in all of your glory. I see a change on the horizon, however.
As for the ‘Tantric’ approach towards woman, it relies heavily on shaming women for not wanting to have their sexual boundaries violated. These ‘Tantric’ retreats shame women who do not want to be naked in front of people or groups or have their bodies touched or filmed for the sake of ‘education’. These ‘Tantric teachers’ use the word ‘wounding’ to refer to women who do not wish to be naked, touched, or have group sex. As if they must ‘graduate’ to their sexual freedom by having sex with or performing sexually in front of a crowd. The amount of pressure and shame that is placed on these women for not getting naked and the wounding that leaves on them is abusive. There is nothing wrong with a woman saying ‘No’ to taking her clothes off. No one can measure a woman’s sexual empowerment. That is the woman’s choice and hers alone. Her boundaries matter. It is completely healthy to not want to get naked in front of a group of strangers. That’s healthy and very normal and yet we in our society treat it as if it’s the opposite. Women, you are not ‘wounded’ for saying ‘No’. You are not ‘wounded’ for trusting your boundaries including your sexual boundaries. You are not less than sexually or otherwise for keeping your clothes on and I am so sorry as a society we have told you otherwise. I include myself and the part I’ve played in leaving women questioning their sexual wholeness for not choosing to divulge their bodies to strangers. You are beautiful just as you are right now in this moment and I honor you in your entirety.
These ‘Tantric retreats’ are on the rise.
Men and women who have returned from said retreats after the high dies down often are left feeling violated for doing things in the ‘tantric retreat’ environment they would not have done otherwise. Such is the disregard for the individual outside of the ‘Tantric Guru’s desire to fulfill their own personal fantasies. There are those who have committed suicide after these retreats. This is a very serious matter.
The honeyed words that are used by ‘Tantrics’ to really get into the persons head to manipulate them quickly shifts into gaslighting and pressure to be ‘sexually free’. This is the catch phrase used in our society to promote violation of one’s boundaries. Sexual freedom does not mean having sex with a group of people, or getting naked in front of people. It is extremely rare this is the case for a human being. Most of what is being shown in society as ‘sexual freedom’ is actual sexual repression and sexual addiction. I was a sex addict and there is nothing ‘sexually free’ about it, quite the opposite. It’s like a noose around the neck. It’s an addiction. In my sexual freedom right now I acknowledge my boundaries, tenderness, connect with my own energy, self love and self care regardless of the times I am sexually active or not. There is no self care in sexual addiction. Sexual addiction for me was also a body disconnect. I was so disconnected from my body that whatever I did sexually was ‘OK’. Sexual addiction was sexual repression as I was not being authentic in my sexuality, I was disconnected and not being present with myself or the person I was with. Having lots of sex does not equate to sexual freedom. I was repressed in that I could not be with my sexual energy and I was avoiding my sexual energy by acting out what I thought sexual freedom meant. But it was a painful act and I did not get to actually relate with my own sexual energy. In my sexual addiction I was actually running away from my sexual energy. The hyper sex drive also had fear infused in it. Fear of sex so hurry up, have it, run away and pretend all of that was ‘fun’ or ‘wild’ to try and prove to myself I was free. There is no freedom in sexual addiction.
I’m not a therapist and I believe my sexual addiction was rooted from the sexual abuse I experienced as a child. With therapy and self care I now have healthy boundaries, self worth and self value and just would not get naked in front of strangers. Nor would I allow anyone to touch my body for even so called ‘sexual education’, nor would I go to one of these ‘Tantric retreats’ and watch other people do this. In the sex industry I violated a lot of relationships by giving space for the person to cheat, both men and women. I had to face that in myself and get honest with the space I created. In all of this I was unconsciously hurting myself and drank heavily to numb myself to the fact I was violating my own boundaries. I also left women questioning themselves for not doing what I did, as if they were not capable women or as if they were not sexy for not being nude in front of strangers. I supported men feeling like they had to pay for kindness and the appearance of intimacy. I left men in pain and addicted to coming back to see me for a temporary ‘fix’ from their pain. Ultimately after all the money they spent I just left men feeling lonely.
I healed my sex addiction and now feel whole and at peace within myself. I am the woman that would be called ‘wounded’ by one of these ‘Tantric gurus’ when in fact I have actually come to a place of healthy boundaries, self care and self love. I would be called ‘wounded’ for saying ‘No’ to showing my naked body, for saying ‘No’ to group sex, for saying ‘No’ to being filmed and touched. I would be shamed as ‘wounded’ for coming to a place of health within myself but I would have been heralded for staying a sex addict and hurting myself. I would have been praised for taking actions rooted in my sexual abuse as a child. Do you see? This is exactly the twisted fallacy I am speaking of that is used to shame women and men to see themselves as ‘broken’ when actually they are taking very good care of themselves and value themselves and their boundaries.
Please take care and trust your own wholeness and what feels right for you. I was in the sex industry for over a decade and I can share that these ‘Tantric’ retreats are just as dangerous and abusive. These ‘Tantrics’, are doing the opposite of what a good therapist could achieve. There are sexual therapists- and as in anything one needs to weed out those who shame or objectify male and female sexuality- who are actually equipped to support people in sexual discovery. Sexual therapists who are trained in their field to support a person as an individual and support their sexual boundaries in ways that are healthy for the individual. These ‘Tantric teachers’ do not take the time to be with each individuals needs, they have a cookie cutter way of approaching sexuality and dismiss all others as ‘wounded’. Which is a farce that I have just shined a light on here.
Men and women, you are sacred. Mind, body, heart and soul. Your boundaries are beautiful. Trust yourself. You are a treasure. Please be safe, I implore you.
Creating an intimate relationship with fear
I woke up this morning with tears and the ache in my body of processing growing. Growth is painful. It just is. And that is OK. I welcome every part of this, even though at times it feels like I am deep in the pits of hell. I was for sure not going to go on Facebook the absolute first thing in the morning, that’s not going to inspire my day. I do yoga in bed which feels nice on my bones, back and knees. However, this morning my daughter came into my bed after having a nightmare. My 7 and a half year old was sound asleep. I needed to find some motion to start moving this process that was trying to work it’s way through my body.
I gingerly slid my computer from under the pillow she had her legs on. I decided to be productive. I sat down, pulled up my book and began to write. A chapter poured through that I feel really proud of. A good one and now I’m actually looking at my other chapters like oh man, you need to live up to this chapter. Which is both amazing and slightly daunting. I choose to look at that fear that makes it seem ‘daunting’ and allow it to just be that and not fix it. Just know that’s a fear thought and get into action.
I finished proud and got on Facebook [because I am a junkie and I fully own it. Hey, awareness is the first step.] and came back to a post with an article that had caught my eye. It’s an amazing read:
What I enjoyed about this is the author, Laura Samper G., created the conversation of experiencing the Headstand from the point of relating with fear. Which is exactly where I am at. I’m in a place of pain and fear being with this however long it takes for old ways of being to die. What happens is my triggers show up which for me show up as reactionary anger which as I’ve shared in other posts, is really just my abject terror. Pure fear. Protection.
I got yesterday I have been subconsciously playing the game of trigger/attack. We’re all always playing conscious or unconscious games we either ‘win’ or ‘lose’. I realized this was my unconscious game that I was ‘winning’. The game of ‘protection where I use my hurt to hurt others. Feeling justified with lashing out at others because of my pain and fear. It doesn’t work. I’m not being attacked. I’m safe. No one is out to get me, I’m surrounded by love. I have lost intimacy with this habit of protect, defend, attack. When I say feeling justified it was like completely letting my fear take over. Why? I realized with no relationship to my fear, of course it will continue to do that. I’m not striving for perfection, I am human, I am creating a clearing for who I know myself to be and how I have not given myself the space to show up. In relating to my fear, getting intimate with it I get to allow it and practice minimizing the effect of my reactions. Meaning, not lashing out or doing over the top actions as in domination, avoidance or any other fear action that has dire consequences and may show up like raging.
I felt myself electric yesterday, fear, rage, pain all at once felt like electricity to me. There must be something old trying to come forward into my sight to be healed. So I recognized the electricity yesterday. I recognized the triggered feeling. I got personal with it. I got to see it was all me, not outside of me that it was going on. I got present to what was under the protective anger, the deep pain of my ways of being that hurt others and that hurt me.
In this relating with fear, reading this article I found so perfect and supportive of where I am right now. I decided to take it on. I wanted to know this feeling. I have had it like it would take me forever to do a headstand. I wanted to know the proper technique so I didn’t hurt myself. I found this amazing instructor on YouTube:
With my own modifications – I used a wall, I didn’t walk my toes up- I did it! I felt what the writer had expressed, that terror. For me fear is a protector from death, so it shows up like ‘OMG don’t do that! We’re going to die! I don’t want to die! Ahhh!’ In almost every single situation. I am so run by fear I have gotten aware of. Variations like that. It’s not what I tell myself, it is a reaction. I feel the quickening in my body, the fear in my chest, my senses become super sharp, my eyes dart, my heartbeat quickens, sometimes body trembling. Being able to face this and teach myself this very bizarre position that is just not something I am used to every day is safe, has been so huge for me! So amazing.
I am teaching myself I am safe. I am listening to my fear with gratitude. I am learning to be with my fear with love and acceptance and caring. Listening to what my fear has to say and being with that. Going deeper into where did this come from, what’s really present for me. Getting responsible. That is vital. Getting so responsible for how I am showing up and have been showing up in my life. And loving myself. Just keep loving myself. I am teaching myself I am safe by allowing fear to be safe to be with. In all of this I am also learning to trust myself. I like how this author says:
I like how the author Laura Samper G. says:
“Fear can take many forms, but the more I observe it, the more it speaks to me with love, and it manifests as a green light, a flag that points to the direction I should follow. Fear is a good friend when you get to know it.”
I love this. As I am making fear my friend to me personally it shows up as a red light/green light: “Stop. OK, now come this way.”
Being with it, being present. When I was in my avoidance of fear I noticed how much I had been avoiding life itself by not being present. By being disconnected with reality. As I create this intimate relationship with fear, I am becoming present in my daily life. I am starting to find treasures in myself I never knew I had. In my intimate relationship with fear I am opening to an intimate relationship with myself. I am starting to recognize who I know myself to be. One triggered moment at a time.
Day 91 of 100 Days of Loving Men
Receive and celebrate Father energy
Some have not met their Father, or their relationship with their Father is strained. It does not mean that Father energy is not available, it is everywhere. Receiving and celebrating Father energy can be very healing.
I did not meet my Father, as I have mentioned previously. Once
I let go of my expectation for my Father to look or show up a certain way or at all [I did the same for both of my parents]. I was able to reach a point in me where I hold him with love and honor as a vital part of creating me as Life.
I started to become aware of Father energy in Nature. Just being with the energy itself and really receiving what that felt like. I also enjoy Father energy in this world in observing when it comes present in daily life.
I am never without Father energy it is everywhere, in the Cosmos, in Nature, in the animal kingdom, in humanity, Father energy is everywhere and embracing with love, life and kindness.
Here is a beautiful clip of Father energy that while watching I just let in to really nurture the little girl in me:
In gratitude to Fathers and Father energy. You are appreciated, loved, received.
You can also find me here:
My name page:
The Return of Femininity–
Loving and Celebrating Men–
In me is both masculine and feminine. If there is anything for me that shows up as ‘men this’ or ‘women that’ it is in me. It is my own inner embracement calling.
In bring this into my listening with men. Men are not separate from humanity, nor am I. If I see men as separate I also see myself as incapable of belonging. What I project onto men is what is in me. If there is unrest it is part of my inner journey.
I fully embrace the voice of my masculine, the tenderness, the purity, the innocence in men. Masculine speaking, voice to be heard, I want to hear.
People exchanging with people beyond gender segregation. Man is not separate, he is beautiful and I love his voice.
The Return of Femininity:
As most of you know, I run the page The Return of Femininity. I originally created this page from a place of arrogance. To tell other women how to be. From a place of dominance in that I felt I had the answers to how women needed to act in order to create balance in what I perceive as imbalance which is really a human created illusion.
I was being a jerk when I first started this page, I own it. And I’m glad I was bold enough to create, in this creation I’ve been able to grow.
It then evolved as I grew with this page. For me, my own experience with femininity mostly originated in the past years [for those who have been with me from the beginning some of this will be repeat, bear with me and thank you for being with me from origin, I appreciate you].
In my 20’s I was still so disconnected with my feminine I felt like a woman in drag dressed as a woman. It wasn’t until 7 years ago that I started to play with femininity, what it meant, what I felt it looked like to be feminine.
I’m still in this play as I open my view to balance, soften into my own feminine. We all have feminine and masculine within. Feminine does not mean woman and masculine does not mean man. It is predominant, however, that we do associate each as the embodiment of either. Feminine energy we generally associate with female and masculine energy with male. There is nothing wrong with this association it is fine, until it is not.
Inside there is a balance the cocreation of masculine and feminine that is inherently in balance. They have to be, life itself is proof of their peaceful cohabitation. It’s individual human perception that creates the illusion of divide and division creates war and silence. I say illusion because the perception of division is not a reality. Perception of said illusion is born of personal blindness within, born of reaction to personal experience.
My perception has predominantly been of the masculine. In me masculine is order, feminine is chaos. Chaos has such connotation of danger for me not talking about women, talking feminine energy itself. I also grew up in this belief that feminine is weak. In order to be a strong woman I must be connected only with the masculine in me. Yet in the same breath the belief that masculine is destructive.
Is it no wonder I could not open to the balance inherent within myself? In these beliefs there is no space for holding the masculine nor feminine as sacred. In his perception there is only division inside, illusion of inner war.
Masculine energy is powerful foundation of survival- order, purpose. Feminine energy is powerful foundation of flourish-chaos. Both hold innovation, purpose and chaos and only together create life. Again this is just my view within myself how they show up within me and in my perception in life. If feminine is treated as the only there can not be a healthy society, just as if masculine is treated as only.
In my opening to see my own innate balance of inner masculine and feminine I’ve started to see the power of the feminine. Now let me be clear, not domination of the feminine, there is no power in domination. Nor subjugation, to be so small as to comply so that my spirit is broken. No. Neither is healthy, neither will do.To hold the feminine as ‘the way’ is not my way, not interested.
What I speak of is the real beauty of chaos, of melting into my full being and connecting with the feminine. Letting go of my judgments of the feminine as frivolous, wayward, weak, etc. Instead opening to embrace femininity as a beautiful powerful part of being.
After all, these archetypes are me. I can push any part of me into my shadow and shackle it, sure. And I will find myself never able to walk through the door free with my ankle chained to the wall.
I can project onto man/woman, my own inner war, I can do that I am human I hold the capacity. Or, I can embrace I am these energies within myself.
If I hold harm to men I am not honoring the masculine within me and killing off a part of me, holding myself captive to my own chagrin. To hold distaste for men is only a reflection of where I have not accepted myself.
If I hold harm to women, I have distrusted my own femininity, disregarded her necessity, made a part of myself out to be useless. It is just a reflection of where I have not allowed myself to be received.
Most powerful of all is embracement I am both energies. And recognition I am above all, human with a spirit center that drives the suit.
Here I celebrate return of femininity within and in my daily consciousness. Not that femininity ever left or is missing in life or in me, that my own perception has blocked her out. I’m no longer coming from a place of fixing, now I’m in adventure. And expressing my adventure as I am and receiving adventure in this exchange of femininity.
To those in my life of all genders and sexes whose femininity continues to leave me in awe, I’m grateful. I am being shown in my life indirectly how to see and be with this energy and oh it is powerful. Has left me in awe as masculine energy has left me in awe, just in different ways, equally as powerful.
Both required for life. Both required for aliveness. Both within the fertile experience of being.
*I also hold the page ‘Loving and Celebrating Men’.