‘Respect My Pain’: When Trauma Becomes Domination

There have been times in my life where I came from this space, albeit unconsciously, where I was using my pain as a form of hiding and domination. Rather than going into my pain to listen, learn and heal, I wrapped myself up in a cloak of pain to be ‘right’ about it. What I mean by being ‘right’ about my pain was that because it was my pain it was something that I could be a self declared authority over. In this, no matter how someone came forward and tried to support me seeing a path out of my pain and into self care, self love and joy, I could always shut them down because ‘How could you know what I have gone through?’. I could then prostrate and demand respect for my position of pain and feel completely justified in shutting down the voices of healthy people coming to me with love and reminding me of my innate power and joy. I could then stand atop my victim mentality mountain and slay whoever came to me trying to show me a path to freedom from the suffering and turmoil I was cycling. For, how dare they not respect my pain? With that mentality anyone who came to me with love was a villain and I the hero.

This was an addiction. Painful things happen in life, no one is alone in this, no one is extraordinary in this. I certainly was not extraordinary for feeling pain, though I seemed to be telling myself I was. I was using my trauma as a way to feel extraordinary- this is backwards. It was the trauma that was calling me as an alarm clock to remember my innate being, the trauma itself was not my innate being. To confuse the alarm as ‘the way’, was stunting for me. To wear my trauma as a medal did not work. Pain is not wrong or bad, it is a call for self care. It is a necessesary emotion and when felt can even be a beautiful experience of self care. When wallowed in, it can become an addictive cycle. For me when I felt the pain but could not move on from it nor find actions rooted in self care, I had become addicted. Feeling pain, truly feeling it with intent to move through, transmutes into a deep body connect and connection with innate joy and love that is always present and easily accessed when allowed. If I’m not allowing myself to move through and into the love and joy, I have become addicted to the cycle of pain and whatever I’m getting out of it. I saw that I had become addicted to the attention I got when I played victim- victim currency. I had become obsessed with receiving the ‘poor you’ and ‘look how strong you are!’ when I played victim.

An addict never wants to know they are an addict. So when people came to me and were a stand for me to be free from my own suffering and addicted cycles of pain, I lashed out at them from my victim mountain. And self righteously shamed them with ‘you have no idea what this feels like how dare you question my victimhood!’, in so many words. Think about that, I lashed out at the people who came to me with love, who were standing for me to be free from my self abusive pain cycling. I was so addicted to my pain cycles it was gluttonous. I was abusing pain. Pain is not meant to be lassoed like that and harnessed, it is meant to be free to move through and move on until it’s next visit. It was like I was holding pain hostage against it’s will and purpose. And since the pain was my own feeling, a part of my own experience, I was holding myself hostage against my own true will and purpose. Fighting to stay away from my heart and my own love in the process. For, if I were to meet my own heart, I would have to let the pain process go. I would have to allow myself to be free and present to my innate joy. I would be able to see those who loved me who were inviting me out into the sun to enjoy the world with them, to enjoy the world with myself. If I were to meet my own heart, I would have to be present to the real beauty of life and place down my addictive shackles. And so I did. Because I’m worth it.

I don’t have to respect a persons pain, that is not compassion that is enabling. I respect the person themselves as I respect myself. To me respect means seeing each human being as powerful and capable of choosing. Even if it is the addiction they choose. I’m not here to enable, I am here to stand in knowing love. From my own self care, I trust each persons journey and trust myself to not enable

Advertisements

Acknowledging a person’s try

This morning I got to distinguish between someone being intentionally malicious and someone actually trying, even if my interpretation is they are being malicious. It’s all about the person’s intent. IF the intention is to be malicious then it’s not a try to me. However, if the person is coming from a space of compassion from where they are- even if in my view, from my filter, it may not seem compassionate based on my reality- then that to me is a try. And that’s when it’s time for me to step out of my own way and be in my own compassion and in this be compassionate towards them in acknowledging their try. That’s what I’m choosing. Oh boy is it confronting! Hahaha AND I’m up for the adventure!

Artist of painting unknown

a6IsunDqJForPlxwLXwu_1082091863

Kickstarter for my book ‘#100DaysOfLovingMen : A Woman’s Journey Into Recovery’ is now LIVE!

Kickstarter for my book ‘#100DaysOfLovingMen : A Woman’s Journey Into Recovery’ is now LIVE!:
 
 
For those who have expressed interest in seeing this conversation out in the world, please consider investing in making this Kickstarter campaign a success! Thank you in advance for your generosity and support in making this book a reality!
 
Please share with all those who you feel would also be interested in seeing this book come to fruition! Thank you!

I have slain dragons and touched on my own dragons bloodSurvived the troll bridges

Serpentine waters

Breathed fire across the burning lakes

Led wars in victory and defeat

Torn my armor to pieces with quivering hands

Drank poison and its remedy

Seen words on tender

Catapulted through shock

Flown with and became feather

Learned the songs of many tribes

Which season my accent to this day

I have bathed and watched the caked mud

Splatter to my toes

I have traveled many lands

All to just come back to my teddy bear

Mine is a heart wide open

Mine is a heart wide openI feel the temperature of rain on my skin

The warmth of sun crawling languid across my form

I feel havoc and mayhem 

Like nails 

I feel the pinch of suffering across the pavements I walk

The gut punch of the starving which my feet do betray

I feel the echoes of a world

Trembling in its ever birth

Sighing in its destroy

Of a species finding its way 

Both brutally and beautifully through the storm of evolution 

I feel the plight of the willow tree not close enough to water

The miracle of the butterfly 

Resurrected

Once liquified 

Made merry as a pretty thing

Yet born so clear of plight

I feel my connection in unconsciousness

To the pain 

I find the bread crumbs I have set for my self

Out of the woods into wonder and life

I feel the silks of joy riding up my thighs 

Curving across my cheek

Up into multiverse

I feel the remorse of times unchecked

The compassion of unchecked fervor 

I feel the cavern thundering silently

Across the earths hair

Beckoning to grotto pure

The subtlety of awe 

In the flicker of a Doe’s ear

I feel the mechanical rhino exerting its presence

Stampede the brick and paved jungle

Calling the wild 

Safari machinery wailing its primal nature 

All rushing from the hyena which never comes

I feel the cry of the child rip through my body 

Opening up the animal in me which seeks to protect

I feel the soothing reminder of their voice

Yet unmarked giving expression 

I feel the untamed aliveness in each passing human

The barefoot fire dancer I ache to unite with 

Even muted attempts cannot hide the smell from me

Nor choking perfumes

I feel the pulse of tribal

The thrust in my shoulder blades 

Arch of my back

Stomp of my feet

The deep old movements that want release in my body 

Misinterpreted and misrepresented by an addicted culture into a mating call

Pelvic thrusts of connection deep with my roots

Guttural sounds yipping from my throat

Tongue singing rolling into soul call

Celebrating dust of Earth on my toes 

Howling into the night 

Ritual of grounding

I feel the moon shining or hidden

The stars in their mystical alchemy

A science unknown

I feel the outer of this inner world

The vastness of the space my planet employs

The planet I share in one

I feel protective of her life

I am a heart wide open

I feel every moment and particle deeply

Even beyond my human sight.


Painting and words by me.