There is nothing to forgive

The wisdom of a friend shines through in these conversations of racism sharing with me those who speak such things they cannot help themselves, my soul family shares they know not what they do and my mothers voice pierces through the veil, there is nothing to forgive. I am left in tears of surrender.

So to be abundantly clear here, this does not mean I do not forgive or do not believe in the process of forgiveness. Of course I do. To me this touches a very specific place in me when my mother says these words that is hard to put into words as it is a feeling. Forgiveness is an important practice for me and these words touch something that is transformative to me. Can’t word it yet.

One of the sneakiest things I can tell myself is when I say the hate is ‘over there’ and not within me. Such a conversation is a division in me that creates myself as merciful and another as devil. When in reality I am both. It is all within me and I divide myself from humanity if I cannot own I am part of the hate in this world. I belong.

Boundaries 

Sometimes even in the face of absolute self righteous a-holeness I have to stop and realize, the bottom line is I’m responsible for how I show up and god I have come a LONG way. Because no matter how anyone else shows up, who I choose to be in the face of such identities is ultimately completely and entirely up to me. Being loving and understanding is NOT easy and god it’s a whole lot of work, daily work. And yet here I am. Still trying. 

It would be so much easier to pick up my weapons and metaphorically annihilate someone but I’ve come to a point that I don’t want to leave my self with that. In the face of my boundaries being repeatedly violated I’ve finally found my voice to speak up and be loving yet unwavering. Loving to my own being first. I have spent my life advocating for people yet now I stand as my own advocate as that is only my responsibility.

I’m tired of living as if people will respect my boundaries by default. This is naive and dangerous. Now I speak them. I love these people except now not at the expense of me. Love at the expense of me is not really me being loving anyway, that’s an unconscious form of fear manipulation. 

I would rather be honest even if in the perception of some people that costs me intimacy, love and connection. I know those who stay in my life and encourage my boundaries love me. I also know some that love me and are confronted by my boundaries either aren’t conscious of it or don’t know better. Either way, it’s my self care to make them conscious of my boundaries and care for my self accordingly.

I’m no longer attached to manipulative and hurtful reactions to me setting a healthy boundary. Be it. No persons temper tantrum to my self care is going to make me sway from being true to me.

I am not a minority. I am a human being. Before I am a woman, black, Latina, ex homeless, single mom, I am a human being. Not a minority. Not marginalized. People suffer. That’s a fact. When we say ones suffering weighs more than another we dehumanize and scapegoat. It just doesn’t work and it’s just not a conversation of unity. It is not the conversation of finding how we work together as humans it is a stand still not forward movement. 
Can you hear I am not a minority? Can you hear I am human? I am American and live in a beautiful powerful country where luxury is my daily life. I can accomplish anything I put my mind to and no one can shove me down and say I can’t because I’m black. Can you hear my freedom that Martin Luther King Jr gave his life for? Can you see the power in me from my ancestors? 

Black people have ancestry of royalty. Because they were forced into slavery that is not who they were. They were majestic people of heart soul and power and to identify the black community for what was forced on them, slavery, is a disservice. Can you hear the reality of who the black community is and hear me saying enough of speaking to us like all we have to look forward to is the bottom of the barrel? We are Queens and Kings not the shackles that were put on our ancestors. I will not deny their majesty. I will not be addressed like a slave.

It’s really not up to them to reach out, they can’t always do that. It’s up to us to reach out.

Just a note to share how important it is to reach out to each other individually, see how people are doing. When people are suffering it takes everything they have just to get through the day. They do not have the strength to reach out to you. Who haven’t you heard from in awhile? Who haven’t you connected to lately? You never know how they are. It’s amazing to see everyone doing amazing and not everyone is. It’s great to see everyone’s powerful accomplishments you guys rock! Where can you bring that pure beautiful rockstar energy to another’s space too?
Again, not everyone has the strength to reach out. Making a phone call can feel like picking up a ton of bricks when someone is down. Community can make a BIG difference getting together to visit someone and asking people what THEY need, not from what is convenient for us on our time but what that person really needs. Allowing self to be slightly uncomfortable and accommodating someone else when another person is down and giving them the space can make all the difference. It’s OK to be uncomfortable and do things that may be slightly inconvenient to be there for another human being. Perhaps organize people getting together to help someone with their errands, housework etc. Creativity can produce all sorts of new ways to be there for each other. Getting our hands dirty to support one another and step into another’s world makes a difference for a person who barely has the strength to get through the day. Hard times can make a person feel isolated and alone. It’s really not up to them to reach out, they can’t always do that. It’s up to us to reach out. It takes a village.
Doing the work to pull together and be there for someone makes a huge difference for people. Maybe it’s inconvenient and be grateful you have the capacity, another may not. Coming from a space of non-judgment and compassion, being in service to each other is another part of community.
Anyone you haven’t heard from recently? Who have you reached out to today?

Day 40 of 100 Days of Loving and Celebrating Being

Creating an intimate relationship with fear

I woke up this morning with tears and the ache in my body of processing growing. Growth is painful. It just is. And that is OK. I welcome every part of this, even though at times it feels like I am deep in the pits of hell. I was for sure not going to go on Facebook the absolute first thing in the morning, that’s not going to inspire my day. I do yoga in bed which feels nice on my bones, back and knees. However, this morning my daughter came into my bed after having a nightmare. My 7 and a half year old was sound asleep. I needed to find some motion to start moving this process that was trying to work it’s way through my body.

I gingerly slid my computer from under the pillow she had her legs on. I decided to be productive. I sat down, pulled up my book and began to write. A chapter poured through that I feel really proud of. A good one and now I’m actually looking at my other chapters like oh man, you need to live up to this chapter.  Which is both amazing and slightly daunting. I choose to look at that fear that makes it seem ‘daunting’ and allow it to just be that and not fix it. Just know that’s a fear thought and get into action.

I finished proud and got on Facebook [because I am a junkie and I fully own it. Hey, awareness is the first step.] and came back to a post with an article that had caught my eye. It’s an amazing read:

Headstands for Beginners

What I enjoyed about this is the author, Laura Samper G., created the conversation of experiencing the Headstand from the point of relating with fear.  Which is exactly where I am at. I’m in a place of pain and fear being with this however long it takes for old ways of being to die. What happens is my triggers show up which for me show up as reactionary anger which as I’ve shared in other posts, is really just my abject terror. Pure fear. Protection.

I got yesterday I have been subconsciously playing the game of trigger/attack. We’re all always playing conscious or unconscious games we either ‘win’ or ‘lose’.  I realized this was my unconscious game that I was ‘winning’. The game of ‘protection where I use my hurt to hurt others. Feeling justified with lashing out at others because of my pain and fear. It doesn’t work. I’m not being attacked. I’m safe. No one is out to get me, I’m surrounded by love. I have lost intimacy with this habit of protect, defend, attack. When I say feeling justified it was like completely letting my fear take over. Why? I realized with no relationship to my fear, of course it will continue to do that. I’m not striving for perfection, I am human, I am creating a clearing for who I know myself to be and how I have not given myself the space to show up. In relating to my fear, getting intimate with it I get to allow it and practice minimizing the effect of my reactions. Meaning, not lashing out or doing over the top actions as in domination, avoidance or any other fear action that has dire consequences and may show up like raging.

I felt myself electric yesterday, fear, rage, pain all at once felt like electricity to me. There must be something old trying to come forward into my sight to be healed. So I recognized the electricity yesterday. I recognized the triggered feeling. I got personal with it. I got to see it was all me, not outside of me that it was going on. I got present to what was under the protective anger, the deep pain of my ways of being that hurt others and that hurt me.

In this relating with fear, reading this article I found so perfect and supportive of where I am right now. I decided to take it on. I wanted to know this feeling. I have had it like it would take me forever to do a headstand. I wanted to know the proper technique so I didn’t hurt myself.  I found this amazing instructor on YouTube:

With my own modifications – I used a wall, I didn’t walk my toes up- I did it! I felt what the writer had expressed, that terror. For me fear is a protector from death, so it shows up like ‘OMG don’t do that! We’re going to die! I don’t want to die! Ahhh!’ In almost every single situation. I am so run by fear I have gotten aware of. Variations like that. It’s not what I tell myself, it is a reaction. I feel the quickening in my body, the fear in my chest, my senses become super sharp, my eyes dart, my heartbeat quickens, sometimes body trembling. Being able to face this and teach myself this very bizarre position that is just not something I am used to every day is safe, has been so huge for me! So amazing.

I am teaching myself I am safe. I am listening to my fear with gratitude. I am learning to be with my fear with love and acceptance and caring. Listening to what my fear has to say and being with that. Going deeper into where did this come from, what’s really present for me. Getting responsible. That is vital. Getting so responsible for how I am showing up and have been showing up in my life. And loving myself. Just keep loving myself. I am teaching myself I am safe by allowing fear to be safe to be with. In all of this I am also learning to trust myself. I like how this author says:

I like how the author Laura Samper G. says:

“Fear can take many forms, but the more I observe it, the more it speaks to me with love, and it manifests as a green light, a flag that points to the direction I should follow. Fear is a good friend when you get to know it.”

I love this. As I am making fear my friend to me personally it shows up as a red light/green light: “Stop. OK, now come this way.”

Being with it, being present. When I was in my avoidance of fear I noticed how much I had been avoiding life itself by not being present. By being disconnected with reality. As I create this intimate relationship with fear, I am becoming present in my daily life. I am starting to find treasures in myself I never knew I had. In my intimate relationship with fear I am opening to an intimate relationship with myself. I am starting to recognize who I know myself to be. One triggered moment at a time.

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For me I found the root of my loneliness is when I forget the limitlessness of love. The pain of loneliness is my collision with my own walls of limiting my expression of love. The pain is the confinement of my love flow, towards myself and as a full expression, experience, being. Releasing self-created blocks and barriers, feeling the stream passing through, looping, replenishing. There is a gentle excitement, a relaxation into the knowing and a knowing the walls will show themselves again. Each time a practice of remembering.

"Natural Bath" Woman sitting in waterfall, Iguacu National Park,

Woman sitting in waterfall, Iguacu National Park, Brazil.

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