The Confrontation Of Identity Death & Rebirth

I face the identity consistently. Within myself and when I am faced with it externally. The identity exists to die and be reborn. When the identity is not allowed to take it’s course, like the Phoenix to burst into flames and be reborn from the ashes, it starts to corrupt, decompose and stink.

With how I have been faced here and the deep judgment on what I share, I am aware that many here are confronted by their perception of me and my stand. I welcome judgment and disagreement by those who are brave enough to actually follow through the experience, through the alchemy to understanding. To me absolute agreement is not required for understanding. Nor support.

I have always been one that has not been a coward when it comes to identity death and rebirth. That does not mean I have not resisted it, I do at times. However, I regularly race into the flames and dare the alchemy to burn away what isn’t.

I have had 7 years of intensive training with a teacher that was about cutting through illusions to seeing the heart of self. Then about 3 years of incredible work with accountable coaches with a clarity, integrity and stand for cutting through stories that stand in the way of the reality of the innate power, heart, community and difference one is.

I do not share this to create some illusion that I have ‘arrived’ as there is no place to arrive and life is ‘self-work’ until the final day. And really not just ‘work’ yet that is an integral piece for me in allowing the beauty of relaxing deeper into being. I do not share this to place myself above nor below anyone. I share this to share.

I am a warrior rooted deeply in my heart.

My stand is only for community, unity, relinquishing of illusion and the allowance of the death and rebirth of identity. I come purely from love, my heart and seeing something greater than me and small shadow tribal mindedness. There is nothing wrong with tribalism until there is. I face the identity beginning with me as that is always the origin is self.

When I speak to people here I come from a place of seeing each individual as powerful and greatness because to me that is truth.

I’m one of the few who runs towards danger not away. I face death threats, hatred more vile than I could have even imagined, told I should be raped and left in a guttter, told I should be lynched, told I am all things evil and vile- and why?

Because damn right I am an absolute threat to the identity.

I face the identity that wants to keep hatred and division in place and call that ‘comfort’. The identity that wants to pretend our differences make us ‘enemies’. I don’t think so. That is a lie. Our differences each have wisdom with the potential of creation in ways only possible in community.

I face hate daily in my conversations and I do so as I sing to the Phoenix-

It’s OK to die, you will be reborn with a splendor.
I am here in my heart and I see you.

Even as the external identity lashes out, I stand. Not against as is often misconstrued, I stand. In the hellfire, unwavering, because I believe in greatness of people and I will absorb no story that tries to pretend otherwise. I stand in the blue flames of hate unwavering not because I hate, I stand because I see past the story, I see a heart and I believe in that heart, I believe in community. I stand in tenderness and I stand in ferocity, as love is all of it.

So, feel free to judge me however you need. I’m not going anywhere. That is not a threat. That is a stand. And I just shared what that stand is.

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Emotions are not something to ride on

From my experience, and what I’m learning, is that my emotions are not something for me to ride on. If I expect my emotions to hold me up, I will fall flat on my face. I fall flat on my face anyway as sometimes I just want to go for a ride, and I’m finding something out. If I expect my emotions to sustain me in action, they cannot. They do not have the substance to do so. I believe riding an emotion can help for short sprints, particularly anger, but only for short sprints and only in survival moments which in this day and age are not so prevalent here.

To me when I expect emotions to carry my weight and then find they indeed cannot, the disillusionment pushes me to addiction. I’m talking about all emotion, anger, sadness/pain, fear and yes, happiness. Food, sugar, etc and at one-time alcohol. How dare my emotions not take me where I want? Well, it’ snot their responsibility, it’s mine. Emotions, for me, are a calling. They are calling me to pay attention to a need. Calling me to hold them, love them, feel them and self-care. Get into my self-love ICU if I need to and then from that space, transmute into choosing an action based on the need I am being called to face.

This doesn’t mean I do not feel my emotions, I feel them deeply that is my reverence to myself. Nor does it mean I’m shaming happiness, I enjoy my happiness very much. What I am saying is the action, the sustainable action, comes from a deep place within myself that I do not have a name for yet. I can only say that it feels like this deep unwavering knowing. The space within me that is me. An unquestioning certainty. From that place when I am in action, I do not fall flat on my face. I’m actually impervious to anything outside of what supports my action. There is a clarity not based on emotion, but an unshakeable knowing. To me my emotions call me to care for them, myself and to return to this space and take the action(s) needed to stand in what needs to be done.

Photo Copyright Max Nepstad

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