Cultivating Awareness

Not succeeding at something I realized my habit is to make that wrong. Making wrong is fine too and being present with feeling the loss. Yet something is actually there where I once perceived simply a lack. When I do not succeed, or when I gave up where I could have moved forward, I am not left with simply a loss. I am left with an awareness. In my ‘lack’, in my ‘loss’, in my failures, I cultivate awareness.

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Sexuality & Self Love

Sexuality is not a separate conversation from self love. To me Self love is the root of a fulfilled healthy life and that is inclusive of sexuality. It’s just not separate to me. Breath, shadow, body, erotic energy, sensuality, sexuality, is all life and aliveness. To me, loving self is loving all of me, exclusive of nothing.

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Everything I Seek Is Within Me Right Now, Simply In Being

There is so much to sexuality which for me is inclusive of spiritual connection. I don’t mean it in a restrictive way as is often perceived, rather for me it is relating to sexuality as sacred.
As in, seeing sexuality is beyond intercourse, it is in the very presence of the sun, the air, the grass, the water, it is life source present in the fibers of life itself. Sex is a beautiful sacred experience of sexuality and sexuality is not exclusive to sex. To me sexuality is the very source of life and breath, creativity.
I don’t have the perfect words to share this, what I do have is the knowledge of my body and so I speak. Not to advise, to share what is calling me to share.
I can no longer stay silent in the face of seeing sexuality as only sex, seeing sexuality and sex abused and applauded when used as self abuse or the massive facade and carrot of arriving at ‘sexual empowerment’. It’s just the biggest lie. I have nothing to fight, simply my experience to share.
Everything I seek is within me right now, simply in being.
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Day 40 of 100 Days of Loving and Celebrating Being

Creating an intimate relationship with fear

I woke up this morning with tears and the ache in my body of processing growing. Growth is painful. It just is. And that is OK. I welcome every part of this, even though at times it feels like I am deep in the pits of hell. I was for sure not going to go on Facebook the absolute first thing in the morning, that’s not going to inspire my day. I do yoga in bed which feels nice on my bones, back and knees. However, this morning my daughter came into my bed after having a nightmare. My 7 and a half year old was sound asleep. I needed to find some motion to start moving this process that was trying to work it’s way through my body.

I gingerly slid my computer from under the pillow she had her legs on. I decided to be productive. I sat down, pulled up my book and began to write. A chapter poured through that I feel really proud of. A good one and now I’m actually looking at my other chapters like oh man, you need to live up to this chapter.  Which is both amazing and slightly daunting. I choose to look at that fear that makes it seem ‘daunting’ and allow it to just be that and not fix it. Just know that’s a fear thought and get into action.

I finished proud and got on Facebook [because I am a junkie and I fully own it. Hey, awareness is the first step.] and came back to a post with an article that had caught my eye. It’s an amazing read:

Headstands for Beginners

What I enjoyed about this is the author, Laura Samper G., created the conversation of experiencing the Headstand from the point of relating with fear.  Which is exactly where I am at. I’m in a place of pain and fear being with this however long it takes for old ways of being to die. What happens is my triggers show up which for me show up as reactionary anger which as I’ve shared in other posts, is really just my abject terror. Pure fear. Protection.

I got yesterday I have been subconsciously playing the game of trigger/attack. We’re all always playing conscious or unconscious games we either ‘win’ or ‘lose’.  I realized this was my unconscious game that I was ‘winning’. The game of ‘protection where I use my hurt to hurt others. Feeling justified with lashing out at others because of my pain and fear. It doesn’t work. I’m not being attacked. I’m safe. No one is out to get me, I’m surrounded by love. I have lost intimacy with this habit of protect, defend, attack. When I say feeling justified it was like completely letting my fear take over. Why? I realized with no relationship to my fear, of course it will continue to do that. I’m not striving for perfection, I am human, I am creating a clearing for who I know myself to be and how I have not given myself the space to show up. In relating to my fear, getting intimate with it I get to allow it and practice minimizing the effect of my reactions. Meaning, not lashing out or doing over the top actions as in domination, avoidance or any other fear action that has dire consequences and may show up like raging.

I felt myself electric yesterday, fear, rage, pain all at once felt like electricity to me. There must be something old trying to come forward into my sight to be healed. So I recognized the electricity yesterday. I recognized the triggered feeling. I got personal with it. I got to see it was all me, not outside of me that it was going on. I got present to what was under the protective anger, the deep pain of my ways of being that hurt others and that hurt me.

In this relating with fear, reading this article I found so perfect and supportive of where I am right now. I decided to take it on. I wanted to know this feeling. I have had it like it would take me forever to do a headstand. I wanted to know the proper technique so I didn’t hurt myself.  I found this amazing instructor on YouTube:

With my own modifications – I used a wall, I didn’t walk my toes up- I did it! I felt what the writer had expressed, that terror. For me fear is a protector from death, so it shows up like ‘OMG don’t do that! We’re going to die! I don’t want to die! Ahhh!’ In almost every single situation. I am so run by fear I have gotten aware of. Variations like that. It’s not what I tell myself, it is a reaction. I feel the quickening in my body, the fear in my chest, my senses become super sharp, my eyes dart, my heartbeat quickens, sometimes body trembling. Being able to face this and teach myself this very bizarre position that is just not something I am used to every day is safe, has been so huge for me! So amazing.

I am teaching myself I am safe. I am listening to my fear with gratitude. I am learning to be with my fear with love and acceptance and caring. Listening to what my fear has to say and being with that. Going deeper into where did this come from, what’s really present for me. Getting responsible. That is vital. Getting so responsible for how I am showing up and have been showing up in my life. And loving myself. Just keep loving myself. I am teaching myself I am safe by allowing fear to be safe to be with. In all of this I am also learning to trust myself. I like how this author says:

I like how the author Laura Samper G. says:

“Fear can take many forms, but the more I observe it, the more it speaks to me with love, and it manifests as a green light, a flag that points to the direction I should follow. Fear is a good friend when you get to know it.”

I love this. As I am making fear my friend to me personally it shows up as a red light/green light: “Stop. OK, now come this way.”

Being with it, being present. When I was in my avoidance of fear I noticed how much I had been avoiding life itself by not being present. By being disconnected with reality. As I create this intimate relationship with fear, I am becoming present in my daily life. I am starting to find treasures in myself I never knew I had. In my intimate relationship with fear I am opening to an intimate relationship with myself. I am starting to recognize who I know myself to be. One triggered moment at a time.

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A call to awakened sisterhood and the end of the man hating pain wall.

A call to awakened sisterhood and the end of the man hating pain wall.

You want the goddess? You call to her, sing to her, praise her, call her life? You deny her destruction and in this her entirety? You REALLY want the goddess? Well here she is! Meet me here at the feet of Kali-Ma and lay down your illusion, claim your freedom
and end your hate ride

You point and shame ‘warrior, warrior’ to men, well face me! Face my warrior! Here we are, give me your blades. I will not strike you, I will fiercely smack away every illusion of fight- expect it- as I come to you to touch your heart with fire, can you sit in sisterhood
with me? Or will you flee?

Can you stay here in my raw alcehmy and spew your illusion until it runs dry as I hold no cup for it? Can you be here naked in your soul and touch my ears with your pain? Can you scream, cry until you realize in your fold that you are killing your own heart?

This wall, this pain body wall projected onto men has got to STOP. Transmute the pain and own your heart. Open your eyes to YOURSELF.

Do you know what you are saying when you spread your pain words about men? You are telling me how much of yourself you have not faced. How much of you that you do NOT accept. How much of your own life you have shackled behind your illusionary wall of blaming men. And when your sisters come to tell you with open hearts, ‘be with me, let go of the pain, receive yourself fully’ you shut them out?

You want the Goddess? Then hear Kali roar!-

Goddess worshippers with a blind eye to the Divine Masculine, To Shiva my King, light, my heart, you dare tell me that you praise the
goddess? I don’t think so. You throw your brothers and sisters under the bus to collect in pain and division within yourselves. You create walls within you and blame those around you. This is not heart, this is not mercy, this is not power. This is sadness for you, this is isolation within yourself. You carry a desert within you that you can
never sate until you receive the oasis you are.

There. Since we’re all speaking for the gods suddenly, giving our archetypes authority and voice as it suits us, face my Kali.

I have watched every gender and sex speak and drive the malignant stories of men, illusions spoken as if true. Bitterness is a heavy habit and it spawns hatred fueled behind wall of justification. Leap frogging this fear and hate across generations. It stops HERE.

I do not speak this to ostracize nor divide those who hold such bitterness and hate while lying to themselves and saying they do not, I say this to embrace all of you. Your heart is calling for freedom it sparks in the pain I can feel in your words. YOU ARE NOT DIVIDED. In the illusion you are you perpetuate pain, within and feed the
unconsciousness. It’s not outside of you, you are it.

You’ve been host to this for too long. Divine Masculine has been awake in humanity since the beginning of human, this is not new, as is the Divine Feminine. They exist and are expression of union within. To
fear and hate either is to fear and hate self.

When you say you project your shaming of men, I hear you hate you. And that is a very deep dark sad place to be.

Illuminate.

I call you to illuminate.

I call to the remembering and birth of sisterhood. My rage is pure and true, not devoid of grace and connection, a stand FOR. I see you and it’s time to stop hiding from your own power while casting blades from behind wall of justified. You are not so powerless, nor so dead hearted, I don’t buy the illusion and I will not carry your blade to
the hearts of men.

Hold your self true, hold your innocence alive, breathe in your aliveness, your freedom, join the unity within and receive the unity in the breath of your now.

WHOLENESS.

What you project on men, you feed within. Own it or not. Either way it’s your own power and heart you embrace or shroud.

What you project on women, you feed within. That woman, yes that one, the one RIGHT in front of you is alive. She is your sister and I would not want to see my sister in the swamp, surrounded by a wall of filth
she calls ‘truth’. Dedicated to holding onto her pain and shooting it at men with a fake smile and a plastic ‘goddess’ toy in her back
pocket to back up her hateful claims. I REFUSE to leave her in that pain or coddle her illusion she uses to hide from aliveness, I refuse to be an accomplice to the pain she deals to men and herself.

I don’t think so.

I stand here heart true, open eyed, soul screaming- I do NOT accept the pain body illusion of the masculine and men, I do NOT support your wall and I do NOT accept men being told to carry these pain stories as true.

ENOUGH!

I call to you. The fury in me is a call of heart. THIS is sisterhood, You want the feminine? I’m right here. Wild and awake. Run if you want or stay and touch your own
feminine and be in sisterhood with me. Not the mock sisterhood you’ve been fed, the human and divine where the masculine is seen as is the feminine and neither devoid of inner presence.

So, you ready or what? I sure as hell am. I want my brothers and sisters back. I’ll meet you here by Kali’s feet while Shiva dances.kalima