Mindfulness & The Garden

Even in anger I can find expression if I choose mindfulness. If I choose to not be mindful then I truly miss out my bravado is then a show simply for myself as it is clear to everyone else what I have chosen. Which yes is fine too and I’m the one who misses out on the vibrant gardens waiting in my blindspots asking me to come play, breathe and bathe in my own aliveness. Treasure waiting for me will then have to wait until next time when the call brings me to its precipice again. I challenge myself each time in hopes I get to choose the garden. I like gardens, especially when gardens are being shared with me. What a beautiful invitation.

Photo by unknown

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From Suicidal to Self Care

Good morning. Today’s video: From Suicidal to Self Care.
I’m making a video every day until the end of the Kickstarter to give you insight into the book and my voice.
 
Only 9 more days to make ‘100 Days of Loving Men: A Woman’s Journey Into Recovery’ a reality! If you want to see this conversation out in the world please take a moment and invest in my Kickstarter:
 
Thank you and feel free to share this post and get the word out there.
Photo by me:
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Being ‘right’ doesn’t make me happy…

I used to think being ‘right’ made me happy. Now I see that I confused what I thought was happiness with a high. Being ‘right’ doesn’t make me happy or bring me joy, it’s a sadistic high that I feel. Nothing necessarily wrong with that either it’s just being honest with myself about what I’m doing and what I’m choosing in the moment. With a high comes the come down and for me it’s not pretty. The righteous high comes at a cost to me. The come down is rough, the fiending for the next dose to alleviate the inner backlash is blinding. Fighting through the addiction to see what is it that nurtures me and do I dare be it?

Love has a high, however, to me that can expand into deeper connection. Like a thread sewing together. It has a substance that the righteous high does not, a foundation it seems like to me, potential to create a bond, trust, vulnerability, it eventually grounds itself in reality and then builds itself from there. The love high has its own failsafe, illusion busting written in its composition with a call to grounding and deepening in self sight in my experience.

Exploring the highs in life. Nothing wrong, even righteousness has its time. Like anything, righteousness in its excess becomes a painful addiction with a high cost to self care, self kindness and my health.

Being what nurtures me is an important selfishness.

Mindful Eating, Healthy Living

For those who do not know, the past 3 months have been very challenging for me. I have a tendency to underplay my challenges, I’m not going to do that here. I had a hard time breathing nearly every day dealing with acid reflux and could barely eat. I was put on medication. I put myself on a very strict diet of potatoes, egg whites, boiled chicken, boiled beets, ground turkey and lettuce with no seasoning at all including salt. Do not do this. It’s not a healthy choice for people. I do not recommend it as a diet. Can’t stress that enough. It could cause complicatioins and major health issues. For me it was a healthy self care choice considering the other option was restricted breathing due to high acid and ending up in the ER.

Without going into too much detail, after 2 and a half months of many doctors and ER visits the source of my agony was found. My gallbladder. About 2 weeks ago I had surgery and my gallbladder removed and I’ve been healing since.

Today this meal I’m sharing is the first full well rounded real meal I have had in 3 months.

When I was exhausted, worn out and just devastated with what I’ve been dealing with the past 3 months a sweet random message from a friend meant the world to me❤

And the real thing here is, I prayed for all of this! I was overweight to the point of being pre-diabeitc and having high cholesterol and I prayed ‘God, please help me lose weight, get fit, healthy and help me with my food addiction’ and then boom! This happened! It’s amazing how I really get what I ask for and how well taken care of I am by the Universe. It was like I had to get sick to get healthy. I’m no longer prediabetic nor do I have high cholesterol.

What opened up for me too was a brand new appreciation for the tastes of food on their own flavor! Oh my god. The taste of this succulent salmon in it’s own fats, the taste of fresh pan seared spinach oh my god wow! I added fat free feta and one of my favorite fruits, grapes.

As I was savoring the crispness of the fish skin fried in nothing but it’s own flavor and the freshness of the salmon meat, oh my god I put my chopsticks down and was so hit by this moment so filled with gratitude my eyes filled with tears and I began to cry. Just so filled with gratitude my heart just swelling with this moment.

I’m grateful for all of it. Every agony. Every trial. This experience has shifted my view on health, food, self love, self care in ways that I never expected to actually happen for me. What appeared as at first ‘why me?’ really was a prayer answered and a dream fulfilled. This experience has shifted my view on life in ways I’m not sure I’m fully conscious of yet and I am thrilled as I am grateful.

I get to choose.

When hate gets passed onto me- and who knows how far it has traveled to get to me- I have a choice what to do with it once it’s in my hands. I feel its impression as it permeates in finger tips. I feel my fear, pain, rage as it shines a light on my own hate in me.

I now hear myself ask, ‘What do you want to give them?’, just before I’m about to rage at someone else over the hate a person shared with me. And I can’t do it. I can’t pass on the hate. I cannot get into the details my body will not let me.

I choose to let it end in me. I set a boundary with the person being heinous, which is my self love, my right to say ‘No’, I do not have to allow myself to be hurt.

If I am to let the journey of such hate end in me, I need to love myself with an uncomfortable brave ferocity.

So I do. I love the reflection of the hate in me this person has shown me as I am not separate from them. I give my love to the coward in me that writhes in attack. I bow to the innocence in me as the origins of all of this is self preservation, aloneness, abandonment.

And I rise with the self respect in me that calls for what is right and respects what needs to be done to transmute this hate and then give what I truly want to give. Love and honor.

To give this I must let all that is not, end in me.

Nurturing

I believe a lot of the conversations I have hurt myself with I may have had an innocent need to be seen. My little girl with heart open asking to be seen. I do not fault this, it is a human desire, I just look now at where perhaps that is not self care for me. I look to see where I am unconsicously carrying this unmet need as pain. I look for the root of this aching need, what it looks like to nurture this in myself.

Do you nurture your needs?

Painting by unknown artist