Welcome To My Laboratory

Totally in inner-Scientist mode. Welcome to my laboratory.

My laboratory is not of beakers and measurements (though that stuff is super cool too), mine is one of heart, mind, body, soul and all that of which I do not know.

Serums, elixirs, unconsciousness mixing with the breath of presence and into explosions of awareness, shiny things, much pressing to see ‘what does this button do?’ and bracing myself for the inevitable dive into the human experiment of deep unconsciousness.

How else can I truly live and be alive if I do not test my own limitations, self conversation and my own habits in the laboratory of my own being?

Art by Travis Bedel


I started to question: ‘What was insecurity really?…

I had started to question what was ‘insecurity’ really? Was ‘insecure’ a shadow aspect I was not embracing? A personal hidden make wrong on self?

I started to question my own definition and experience of ‘insecure’. This morning listening to a Pema Chodron audio book-who is incredible to listen to-she happened to share she heard someone define:
‘Insecurity is ego’s take on wide opened, unfettered space and we find that [wide opened, unfettered space] uncomfortable.’

Which to me, this definition brings in such a cool new aspect in the convo. I define this wide opened unfettered space as absolute pure possibility. Perhaps in that it is the very essence of life itself! Being with possibility to me is presence or rather, simply being. So, to me ‘insecurity’ is not what I thought. Insecurity is not a story about myself that I needed to debunk. So much bigger beyond the story of having to have a story to fix. But rather, recognizing my discomfort with wide opened, unfettered pace. Now I’m seeing ‘insecurity’ as resistance to impermanence, unfettered space, which to me is- My resistance to possibility. Now it seems ‘insecurity’ may also be any resistance to aliveness!!

So, being in-security is being in the distressing illusion of permanence which is resistance to unlimited possibility! Rather than when, what I had called ‘insecurity’ came up, I had interpreted that as there was some part of me lacking. God this feels refreshing!

For me permanence and security in the sense of having reliability in primary aspects of life such as a place to live, safety for me and mine, and things of this nature are absolutely necessary and vital. And, in my experience, this is not the opposite of ‘insecurity’.

So, let’s say I do address my original definition/story of ‘insecurity’ as me ‘lacking’, as I am so sure that story will come up again at some point lol I am realizing the basis of that experience of ‘insecurity’ is comparison. However, comparison is also not an issue. I now see that different does not mean ‘lacking’ in me, as I shared, I had defined insecurity as ‘lacking’ something. Which with this new experience of ‘insecurity’ I am finally getting that story of ‘lacking’ is just that- a story! Which my god if I bring that to my activism conversations and my judgments that creates a cool new possibility in how I see people!

And, to even not resist lacking lol, where I may be ‘lacking’ it is only to give fuel to my strengths. And should I decide there was something of ‘lack’ that required integrity then I will practice it as integrity while practicing self compassion rather than reprimand. Slowly, gently discovering the self tenderness of growth.

Returning to the conversation of ‘in-security’, resisting that powerful birth place of possibility-which is impermanence- is the very thing that rips me out of the present!

As a human, I have every habit established to not be present lol Rather than resist this and make myself wrong, because I will actually mostly not be present in life, I wonder, what would it look like to practice expanding just a tiny bit of presence? No push to ‘perfect’ -which to me was part of my previous understanding of ‘insecurity’- just an embracement and acknowledgement of what is, where I am now, in a playfulness with possibility.

Self Love Warrior

The warrior in me has held my hand through trials and unknown, to bring me from war weary battlefields to the beauty of braving the challenge of being the Love I know myself to be.

Super Heroes

I love watching Super Hero movies they are just my favorite. I wonder if we get that archetype is us?! I believe we are all ‘Super Heroes’ of our own lives. Every one of us. I believe we are this incredible expression of Source. Inside, this massive expression of life calling out daily ‘See me!’. This call for sight often projected onto others or out into the world, yet the call is to go within! I believe the very map of adventure is us. No one to save. No town to keep safe. Just a powerful living journey being with self.

Do you see yourself as the Super Hero of you?


So, What Is White Privilege, Really?

To me white privilege a mindfulness conversation of the reality that in US [and other countries] the basis is the white community as the ‘norm’ so to speak. A person of ‘color’, though I am not fond of that term, is most often seen as nefarious as is the undercurrent conversation that white is ‘good’ the rest less. White privilege is a mindfulness conversation that the black community is still rising and facing the undercurrent deeply ingrained negative conversations and views of the black community that came from slave times into times of Jim Crow and the poverty of this and residuals in modern society. White privilege is a mindfulness conversation for us as a society to be aware of all of this and to be conscious of this instead of project blanket views of black people are lazy, evil, violent, nefarious and less than. It’s about dispelling misconceptions and hatred rather than fuel it.

Now this is what white privilege is not: It is not about ‘white people are evil’ or ‘the root of all violence throughout time’. It’s not about superiority/inferiority. It’s not about shaming white people, the whole point is pull shame out of black community not project more shame into the world. White privilege is not about white people hating themselves, no one should hate them self. It’s not about blaming generations of white people for being white. To me those conversations actually cloud the experience and voices of the black community, not highlight. When everyone is considered a NeoNazi, ‘Neo Nazi’ means nothing. I find such implicatons dangerous as it minimizes actual racial violence. To me the white privilege conversation is about all of us being mindful, it’s not an action, it’s simply a mindfulness. If action is inspired & authentic cool if not cool, it’s simply about awareness. If there is an action being requested, people hear requests that are not shame laden but rather fueled by inspiration and call to community and unity. However, to say there is a need for action  & shame those who do not, rather than support those who do, and to not lead by inspiration to me affects those who rely on their voices being heard the most. I would rather support the black community than hurt the black community.

Any conversation of white privilege that is fueled with hatred and division to me is not the conversation of white privilege but rather ‘white privilege’ being used as a banner to be hateful as any activism can be. The main conversation of white privilege right now I am seeing is fueling hatred and division and I cannot abide by that. To me the conversation of white privilege is about opening listening of the black experience in community and view point, as an expansion in human connection rather than restriction. It’s about awareness, mindfulness, understanding and inspiring human connection. My experience as an AfroLatina is different than a Caucasian in America and that is a fact. To deny that I would be bypassing reality. I also realized I do not need to use it to hurt myself- as I used to- rather I allow it to fuel my inspiration. Every experience in life is different, it just is, we are all different. I also know that what I am saying may never be understood. I no longer need it to be. I am not reliant on understanding to live a life of thriving.  As long as I am aware of the reality of white privilege and do not use it to fuel self loathing or resentment or division or a interpret it as a wall of self limitation, rather simply as an awareness and a practice of compassion.

What do I want to see? What conversations do I want to support in the Black/Latino community as well as all communities? Aliveness! Art! Celebration! Culture! Joy! Play! Love. How? All rooted from authenticity rather than panic to ‘achieve’ or ‘prove’ anything. To slow down and relax enough to allow my actions to be an extenstion of my self care rather than an avoidance of. To me it all comes back to self care, which is prioritized through self love. Celebration of life, celebration the beauty of life that I am a part of and belong to! Simply celebrating the love of being, loving myself is the greatest shift I seek. Self love is an all inclusive conversation. My root is human connection. I allow myself simply to be.

‘Prude’ and ‘Vanilla’

‘Prude’ and ‘Vanilla’-

I have heard the term ‘prude’ be used just as the term ‘whore’ is. For shaming a person who their relationship with sexuality is not agreeable to the person speaking. I’ve been called both. I’ll speak further on the term ‘prude’ being used as shaming.

If a person chooses to not engage with the sex industry via strip clubs, porn, etc they can at times be shamed by being called a ‘prude’ I know I’ve been called that. Here’s the truth behind ‘prude’ – it has nothing to do with me but rather the person confronted by my choice.

I finally have an authentic relationship with my sexuality & it does not look like how it did when I was a sex addict and I’m happy for that. That’s my personal experience and how it looks for me. Sexual empowerment, again, does not necessarily mean sex on overdrive. It means an authentic relationship with sexuality.

I don’t believe in the term ‘vanilla’ outside of BDSM. The BDSM community that’s how they speak to relate, however, it is not to be used as a shaming term, simply a distinction between BDSM community and those not involved.

When ‘vanilla’ is used outside of a distinction term in BDSM, I find it is often used as grotesque shaming. BDSM is not necessary for a full healthy sexual relationship except for those it is.

To shame those who do not use BDSM is counterproductive.To shame people for not choosing to relate in the way that is authentic for me moves nothing and in my experience just keeps cycling unconsciousness in these discussions on sexuality and any conversation.

To me, it’s about authenticity, not agreement.


Self Love Being

I have given my warrior purpose, my pirate soul freedom, my conqueror prospects, my dragon skies to fly and in this my rebel voice, all united in self love.

Words mine, artist unknown.