Consent, Boundaries, Self Violaton & Self Love

With all of the conversations being had now I believe we’ve become very aware that as a society we are massively lacking in clear boundaries. These are much needed topics to be coming to the forefront. One of the most epic and missing conversations is just how much we violate ourselves and put ourselves in positions where we are consistently violating our own boundaries and willing to tell ourselves that’s OK to do. This is not to be confused with actual rape which is very clear and criminal and must be treated as such. What we do not speak of is how many times we actually are violating ourselves.

What do I mean by self violation? If I am not slowing down to listen to my body, to listen to my needs, if I am getting myself wasted to disconnect from my self care and perpetuate abuse on my body, that is a self violation.  If I am over eating, or spending money that could be used to provide a safety net for myself, that is a self violation. If I am making myself unconscious sexually either with alcohol or by gaslighting myself to believe it’s ’empowering’ to throw myself swiftly into sexual situations without making sure it’s what I want, that’s a self violation. Again, not talking about actual rape, I’m speaking about sexual situations that I had placed myself in that I did not take the time to slow down to see if it was an authentic choice. At some point during all of this my body has said ‘No’ and I have either drowned that with an altering substance, or taught myself to not listen. That is not rape, that is a self violation. The confusion around this is creating issues and harm.

This is an unconscious action no one goes around saying ‘I think I’ll dismiss my own boundaries and violate myself today’. Having healthy boundaries is a product of self care and self love. Self love fuels the prioritizing of self care which fosters self respect and self worth to listen to my body and my needs. To slow down and not feed into the ‘sexual empowerment’ myth that filling some sort of imagined quota of partners will magically change my life for the better. To slow down and not feed into the self loathing inducing media that profits off of me feeling bad about myself and living in fear so I can buy that thing to magically make my life better. These things are a farce. It all comes back to taking the time to be with myself, explore my authentic needs, joys, sorrows and excitements. Taking the time to know myself not just copycat some story I’m told on what is the ‘sexually empowered’, ‘right’, ‘sexy’ way to be is based on patterns of who wants to sell what that season.

Consent is a very real and important conversation. Both women and men must slow down and recognize what is a healthy sexual situation. We all are aware that a violation of consent is rape, what we are not aware of is our own violations of our body requesting our consent. What I found missing in these conversations on seemingly grey areas is self responsibility. These grey areas would not exist if I slowed down and chose self care. Easy to go into victim mode because yes, I was victimized, however, I was victimized by me. That’s a very uncomfortable reality to be with. Again, not talking about being raped by someone, talking about the times I violated my own ‘No’ and did things anyway that I knew would not feel right later. The times I had unconsciously used men to violate my own body. There was no malicious intent there, I had no idea what I was doing and it was based off of trauma, I was also used to disconnecting with my body. However, the confusion coupled with feeling victimized but not knowing I was experiencng self violation, I would turn that on the men who had no idea this was going on internally -and how could they they were not wizards capable of mind reading- and consider them violator. Dangeorus mix. It was important for me to get conscious of my relationship with my self and take steps to heal the trauma I had experienced which fueled my many forms of body disconnect. What was missing for me to choose the tenderness towards myself that would interupt such a self abusive pattern? Self love. It always comes back to self love. Self care is a practice that unfortunately most of us are not used to in such an instant gratification addicted society. Slowing down and listening to our body speak our needs is vital and life saving. So much joy seeking and yet it is all already here in abundance, within. Just being present with my own being, with  my self, giving myself the love I am seeking, knowing I am the love I seek has made such a difference in my life. We give so much in attention and money- which is another form of giving one’s energy- to find things or experiences we’ve been told should make us ‘happy’ without slowing down to see if it’s authentic at all to our own unique needs. Slowing down is key, there is too much confusion I see right now and not enough slowing down and taking the time to find what is real, true, authentic and healthy for self.

We cannot be so surprised that the conversations have become so confused in society when we promote sexual addictions-a flashy form of sexual repression- and disconnecting from ourselves especially with alcohol and with other things too. Any thing can be used as either a form of disconnect or a way to connect. Disconnect is not all bad either, sometimes we do need to have some form of escapism movie time etc. However, anything in excess can of course have it’s downside. Moderation works, and nature is always willing to be available as a form of ‘escapism’ that offers a deep connection with self. Self connect is available at any moment just simply becoming conscious with the simplicity of breath. Breath is something that unites all of us. Doing the work to slow down, choose mindfulness which is presence with my body and listening to my body, has made a massive difference in my once co-dependent reliance on society to tell me what I need to do to be beautiful, sexy, and ‘happy’. I am the Joy and beauty I seek, no agreement required.

 

Advertisements

‘Prude’ and ‘Vanilla’

‘Prude’ and ‘Vanilla’-

I have heard the term ‘prude’ be used just as the term ‘whore’ is. For shaming a person who their relationship with sexuality is not agreeable to the person speaking. I’ve been called both. I’ll speak further on the term ‘prude’ being used as shaming.

If a person chooses to not engage with the sex industry via strip clubs, porn, etc they can at times be shamed by being called a ‘prude’ I know I’ve been called that. Here’s the truth behind ‘prude’ – it has nothing to do with me but rather the person confronted by my choice.

I finally have an authentic relationship with my sexuality & it does not look like how it did when I was a sex addict and I’m happy for that. That’s my personal experience and how it looks for me. Sexual empowerment, again, does not necessarily mean sex on overdrive. It means an authentic relationship with sexuality.

I don’t believe in the term ‘vanilla’ outside of BDSM. The BDSM community that’s how they speak to relate, however, it is not to be used as a shaming term, simply a distinction between BDSM community and those not involved.

When ‘vanilla’ is used outside of a distinction term in BDSM, I find it is often used as grotesque shaming. BDSM is not necessary for a full healthy sexual relationship except for those it is.

To shame those who do not use BDSM is counterproductive.To shame people for not choosing to relate in the way that is authentic for me moves nothing and in my experience just keeps cycling unconsciousness in these discussions on sexuality and any conversation.

To me, it’s about authenticity, not agreement.

26731622_788716907979550_8830222308614393334_n

Self Love Being

I have given my warrior purpose, my pirate soul freedom, my conqueror prospects, my dragon skies to fly and in this my rebel voice, all united in self love.

Words mine, artist unknown.

Innate Being

Illusions of fear, yes, for what am I afraid of when I grip myself with it so tight? Is it the unknown? Fear of loss of love the broken altar on which I sacrifice my authenticity, only to remind myself my innate inheritance- in fact what makes up my very being -is love. If there is nowhere to run to in order to experience love, then the truth must be there is no one to run from to experience it either.

Y así vamos

Montada encima de un elefanteQue me guía en el paseo abierto especialmente para mí 

Con fe me dejo llevar hasta el final de mi alma que suplica mi sonrisa 

Monto de luto de lo que no puedo ver 

Arrojar todo lo que no está destinado a ser 

Y todo lo que ha cambiado su presencia 

Todo por el bien de libertad

Siento mi ser se eleva, siento mis dolores de corazón en su tramo,

Come mi corazón se expande al amor

Pido a mis guías que me mostra

Pido su ayuda

Siento el campo abierto delante de mí

Y así vamos 

*******
Riding on the back of an Elephant

Who guides me onto path opened especially for me

With faith I let myself be taken until the end of my soul which begs my smile

I ride in mourning of all I cannot see

Releasing all that is not meant to be

And all that has shifted its presence

All for the sake of liberty

I feel my being rise, I feel the aches of my heart as it stretches,

As it expands for love

I pray to my guides to show me

I ask for their help

I feel the open field before me

And so we go


Writing by me

Photo by unknown, black and white modification by me

What is kindness to you?

I had for so long confused kindness with ‘nice’ which to me is a self numbing to please. To me kindness is not ‘nice’ it does not bend to comfort nor complacency. To me kindness is a powerful stand of love, an open heart calling out to the greatness in self/other. A tender whisper or a strike of lightening with thunder growling ‘Let go of hiding yourself, I see your glory’.
What is kindness to you?

Day 40 of 100 Days of Loving and Celebrating Being

Creating an intimate relationship with fear

I woke up this morning with tears and the ache in my body of processing growing. Growth is painful. It just is. And that is OK. I welcome every part of this, even though at times it feels like I am deep in the pits of hell. I was for sure not going to go on Facebook the absolute first thing in the morning, that’s not going to inspire my day. I do yoga in bed which feels nice on my bones, back and knees. However, this morning my daughter came into my bed after having a nightmare. My 7 and a half year old was sound asleep. I needed to find some motion to start moving this process that was trying to work it’s way through my body.

I gingerly slid my computer from under the pillow she had her legs on. I decided to be productive. I sat down, pulled up my book and began to write. A chapter poured through that I feel really proud of. A good one and now I’m actually looking at my other chapters like oh man, you need to live up to this chapter.  Which is both amazing and slightly daunting. I choose to look at that fear that makes it seem ‘daunting’ and allow it to just be that and not fix it. Just know that’s a fear thought and get into action.

I finished proud and got on Facebook [because I am a junkie and I fully own it. Hey, awareness is the first step.] and came back to a post with an article that had caught my eye. It’s an amazing read:

Headstands for Beginners

What I enjoyed about this is the author, Laura Samper G., created the conversation of experiencing the Headstand from the point of relating with fear.  Which is exactly where I am at. I’m in a place of pain and fear being with this however long it takes for old ways of being to die. What happens is my triggers show up which for me show up as reactionary anger which as I’ve shared in other posts, is really just my abject terror. Pure fear. Protection.

I got yesterday I have been subconsciously playing the game of trigger/attack. We’re all always playing conscious or unconscious games we either ‘win’ or ‘lose’.  I realized this was my unconscious game that I was ‘winning’. The game of ‘protection where I use my hurt to hurt others. Feeling justified with lashing out at others because of my pain and fear. It doesn’t work. I’m not being attacked. I’m safe. No one is out to get me, I’m surrounded by love. I have lost intimacy with this habit of protect, defend, attack. When I say feeling justified it was like completely letting my fear take over. Why? I realized with no relationship to my fear, of course it will continue to do that. I’m not striving for perfection, I am human, I am creating a clearing for who I know myself to be and how I have not given myself the space to show up. In relating to my fear, getting intimate with it I get to allow it and practice minimizing the effect of my reactions. Meaning, not lashing out or doing over the top actions as in domination, avoidance or any other fear action that has dire consequences and may show up like raging.

I felt myself electric yesterday, fear, rage, pain all at once felt like electricity to me. There must be something old trying to come forward into my sight to be healed. So I recognized the electricity yesterday. I recognized the triggered feeling. I got personal with it. I got to see it was all me, not outside of me that it was going on. I got present to what was under the protective anger, the deep pain of my ways of being that hurt others and that hurt me.

In this relating with fear, reading this article I found so perfect and supportive of where I am right now. I decided to take it on. I wanted to know this feeling. I have had it like it would take me forever to do a headstand. I wanted to know the proper technique so I didn’t hurt myself.  I found this amazing instructor on YouTube:

With my own modifications – I used a wall, I didn’t walk my toes up- I did it! I felt what the writer had expressed, that terror. For me fear is a protector from death, so it shows up like ‘OMG don’t do that! We’re going to die! I don’t want to die! Ahhh!’ In almost every single situation. I am so run by fear I have gotten aware of. Variations like that. It’s not what I tell myself, it is a reaction. I feel the quickening in my body, the fear in my chest, my senses become super sharp, my eyes dart, my heartbeat quickens, sometimes body trembling. Being able to face this and teach myself this very bizarre position that is just not something I am used to every day is safe, has been so huge for me! So amazing.

I am teaching myself I am safe. I am listening to my fear with gratitude. I am learning to be with my fear with love and acceptance and caring. Listening to what my fear has to say and being with that. Going deeper into where did this come from, what’s really present for me. Getting responsible. That is vital. Getting so responsible for how I am showing up and have been showing up in my life. And loving myself. Just keep loving myself. I am teaching myself I am safe by allowing fear to be safe to be with. In all of this I am also learning to trust myself. I like how this author says:

I like how the author Laura Samper G. says:

“Fear can take many forms, but the more I observe it, the more it speaks to me with love, and it manifests as a green light, a flag that points to the direction I should follow. Fear is a good friend when you get to know it.”

I love this. As I am making fear my friend to me personally it shows up as a red light/green light: “Stop. OK, now come this way.”

Being with it, being present. When I was in my avoidance of fear I noticed how much I had been avoiding life itself by not being present. By being disconnected with reality. As I create this intimate relationship with fear, I am becoming present in my daily life. I am starting to find treasures in myself I never knew I had. In my intimate relationship with fear I am opening to an intimate relationship with myself. I am starting to recognize who I know myself to be. One triggered moment at a time.

0972e93abda3420b985eab56d87b6a88