With all of the conversations being had now I believe we’ve become very aware that as a society we are massively lacking in clear boundaries. These are much needed topics to be coming to the forefront. One of the most epic and missing conversations is just how much we violate ourselves and put ourselves in positions where we are consistently violating our own boundaries and willing to tell ourselves that’s OK to do. This is not to be confused with actual rape which is very clear and criminal and must be treated as such. What we do not speak of is how many times we actually are violating ourselves.
What do I mean by self violation? If I am not slowing down to listen to my body, to listen to my needs, if I am getting myself wasted to disconnect from my self care and perpetuate abuse on my body, that is a self violation. If I am over eating, or spending money that could be used to provide a safety net for myself, that is a self violation. If I am making myself unconscious sexually either with alcohol or by gaslighting myself to believe it’s ’empowering’ to throw myself swiftly into sexual situations without making sure it’s what I want, that’s a self violation. Again, not talking about actual rape, I’m speaking about sexual situations that I had placed myself in that I did not take the time to slow down to see if it was an authentic choice. At some point during all of this my body has said ‘No’ and I have either drowned that with an altering substance, or taught myself to not listen. That is not rape, that is a self violation. The confusion around this is creating issues and harm.
This is an unconscious action no one goes around saying ‘I think I’ll dismiss my own boundaries and violate myself today’. Having healthy boundaries is a product of self care and self love. Self love fuels the prioritizing of self care which fosters self respect and self worth to listen to my body and my needs. To slow down and not feed into the ‘sexual empowerment’ myth that filling some sort of imagined quota of partners will magically change my life for the better. To slow down and not feed into the self loathing inducing media that profits off of me feeling bad about myself and living in fear so I can buy that thing to magically make my life better. These things are a farce. It all comes back to taking the time to be with myself, explore my authentic needs, joys, sorrows and excitements. Taking the time to know myself not just copycat some story I’m told on what is the ‘sexually empowered’, ‘right’, ‘sexy’ way to be is based on patterns of who wants to sell what that season.
Consent is a very real and important conversation. Both women and men must slow down and recognize what is a healthy sexual situation. We all are aware that a violation of consent is rape, what we are not aware of is our own violations of our body requesting our consent. What I found missing in these conversations on seemingly grey areas is self responsibility. These grey areas would not exist if I slowed down and chose self care. Easy to go into victim mode because yes, I was victimized, however, I was victimized by me. That’s a very uncomfortable reality to be with. Again, not talking about being raped by someone, talking about the times I violated my own ‘No’ and did things anyway that I knew would not feel right later. The times I had unconsciously used men to violate my own body. There was no malicious intent there, I had no idea what I was doing and it was based off of trauma, I was also used to disconnecting with my body. However, the confusion coupled with feeling victimized but not knowing I was experiencng self violation, I would turn that on the men who had no idea this was going on internally -and how could they they were not wizards capable of mind reading- and consider them violator. Dangeorus mix. It was important for me to get conscious of my relationship with my self and take steps to heal the trauma I had experienced which fueled my many forms of body disconnect. What was missing for me to choose the tenderness towards myself that would interupt such a self abusive pattern? Self love. It always comes back to self love. Self care is a practice that unfortunately most of us are not used to in such an instant gratification addicted society. Slowing down and listening to our body speak our needs is vital and life saving. So much joy seeking and yet it is all already here in abundance, within. Just being present with my own being, with my self, giving myself the love I am seeking, knowing I am the love I seek has made such a difference in my life. We give so much in attention and money- which is another form of giving one’s energy- to find things or experiences we’ve been told should make us ‘happy’ without slowing down to see if it’s authentic at all to our own unique needs. Slowing down is key, there is too much confusion I see right now and not enough slowing down and taking the time to find what is real, true, authentic and healthy for self.
We cannot be so surprised that the conversations have become so confused in society when we promote sexual addictions-a flashy form of sexual repression- and disconnecting from ourselves especially with alcohol and with other things too. Any thing can be used as either a form of disconnect or a way to connect. Disconnect is not all bad either, sometimes we do need to have some form of escapism movie time etc. However, anything in excess can of course have it’s downside. Moderation works, and nature is always willing to be available as a form of ‘escapism’ that offers a deep connection with self. Self connect is available at any moment just simply becoming conscious with the simplicity of breath. Breath is something that unites all of us. Doing the work to slow down, choose mindfulness which is presence with my body and listening to my body, has made a massive difference in my once co-dependent reliance on society to tell me what I need to do to be beautiful, sexy, and ‘happy’. I am the Joy and beauty I seek, no agreement required.