There is nothing to forgive

The wisdom of a friend shines through in these conversations of racism sharing with me those who speak such things they cannot help themselves, my soul family shares they know not what they do and my mothers voice pierces through the veil, there is nothing to forgive. I am left in tears of surrender.

So to be abundantly clear here, this does not mean I do not forgive or do not believe in the process of forgiveness. Of course I do. To me this touches a very specific place in me when my mother says these words that is hard to put into words as it is a feeling. Forgiveness is an important practice for me and these words touch something that is transformative to me. Can’t word it yet.



Sometimes even in the face of absolute self righteous a-holeness I have to stop and realize, the bottom line is I’m responsible for how I show up and god I have come a LONG way. Because no matter how anyone else shows up, who I choose to be in the face of such identities is ultimately completely and entirely up to me. Being loving and understanding is NOT easy and god it’s a whole lot of work, daily work. And yet here I am. Still trying. 

It would be so much easier to pick up my weapons and metaphorically annihilate someone but I’ve come to a point that I don’t want to leave my self with that. In the face of my boundaries being repeatedly violated I’ve finally found my voice to speak up and be loving yet unwavering. Loving to my own being first. I have spent my life advocating for people yet now I stand as my own advocate as that is only my responsibility.

I’m tired of living as if people will respect my boundaries by default. This is naive and dangerous. Now I speak them. I love these people except now not at the expense of me. Love at the expense of me is not really me being loving anyway, that’s an unconscious form of fear manipulation. 

I would rather be honest even if in the perception of some people that costs me intimacy, love and connection. I know those who stay in my life and encourage my boundaries love me. I also know some that love me and are confronted by my boundaries either aren’t conscious of it or don’t know better. Either way, it’s my self care to make them conscious of my boundaries and care for my self accordingly.

I’m no longer attached to manipulative and hurtful reactions to me setting a healthy boundary. Be it. No persons temper tantrum to my self care is going to make me sway from being true to me.

What is kindness to you?

I had for so long confused kindness with ‘nice’ which to me is a self numbing to please. To me kindness is not ‘nice’ it does not bend to comfort nor complacency. To me kindness is a powerful stand of love, an open heart calling out to the greatness in self/other. A tender whisper or a strike of lightening with thunder growling ‘Let go of hiding yourself, I see your glory’.
What is kindness to you?

Day 40 of 100 Days of Loving and Celebrating Being

Creating an intimate relationship with fear

I woke up this morning with tears and the ache in my body of processing growing. Growth is painful. It just is. And that is OK. I welcome every part of this, even though at times it feels like I am deep in the pits of hell. I was for sure not going to go on Facebook the absolute first thing in the morning, that’s not going to inspire my day. I do yoga in bed which feels nice on my bones, back and knees. However, this morning my daughter came into my bed after having a nightmare. My 7 and a half year old was sound asleep. I needed to find some motion to start moving this process that was trying to work it’s way through my body.

I gingerly slid my computer from under the pillow she had her legs on. I decided to be productive. I sat down, pulled up my book and began to write. A chapter poured through that I feel really proud of. A good one and now I’m actually looking at my other chapters like oh man, you need to live up to this chapter.  Which is both amazing and slightly daunting. I choose to look at that fear that makes it seem ‘daunting’ and allow it to just be that and not fix it. Just know that’s a fear thought and get into action.

I finished proud and got on Facebook [because I am a junkie and I fully own it. Hey, awareness is the first step.] and came back to a post with an article that had caught my eye. It’s an amazing read:

Headstands for Beginners

What I enjoyed about this is the author, Laura Samper G., created the conversation of experiencing the Headstand from the point of relating with fear.  Which is exactly where I am at. I’m in a place of pain and fear being with this however long it takes for old ways of being to die. What happens is my triggers show up which for me show up as reactionary anger which as I’ve shared in other posts, is really just my abject terror. Pure fear. Protection.

I got yesterday I have been subconsciously playing the game of trigger/attack. We’re all always playing conscious or unconscious games we either ‘win’ or ‘lose’.  I realized this was my unconscious game that I was ‘winning’. The game of ‘protection where I use my hurt to hurt others. Feeling justified with lashing out at others because of my pain and fear. It doesn’t work. I’m not being attacked. I’m safe. No one is out to get me, I’m surrounded by love. I have lost intimacy with this habit of protect, defend, attack. When I say feeling justified it was like completely letting my fear take over. Why? I realized with no relationship to my fear, of course it will continue to do that. I’m not striving for perfection, I am human, I am creating a clearing for who I know myself to be and how I have not given myself the space to show up. In relating to my fear, getting intimate with it I get to allow it and practice minimizing the effect of my reactions. Meaning, not lashing out or doing over the top actions as in domination, avoidance or any other fear action that has dire consequences and may show up like raging.

I felt myself electric yesterday, fear, rage, pain all at once felt like electricity to me. There must be something old trying to come forward into my sight to be healed. So I recognized the electricity yesterday. I recognized the triggered feeling. I got personal with it. I got to see it was all me, not outside of me that it was going on. I got present to what was under the protective anger, the deep pain of my ways of being that hurt others and that hurt me.

In this relating with fear, reading this article I found so perfect and supportive of where I am right now. I decided to take it on. I wanted to know this feeling. I have had it like it would take me forever to do a headstand. I wanted to know the proper technique so I didn’t hurt myself.  I found this amazing instructor on YouTube:

With my own modifications – I used a wall, I didn’t walk my toes up- I did it! I felt what the writer had expressed, that terror. For me fear is a protector from death, so it shows up like ‘OMG don’t do that! We’re going to die! I don’t want to die! Ahhh!’ In almost every single situation. I am so run by fear I have gotten aware of. Variations like that. It’s not what I tell myself, it is a reaction. I feel the quickening in my body, the fear in my chest, my senses become super sharp, my eyes dart, my heartbeat quickens, sometimes body trembling. Being able to face this and teach myself this very bizarre position that is just not something I am used to every day is safe, has been so huge for me! So amazing.

I am teaching myself I am safe. I am listening to my fear with gratitude. I am learning to be with my fear with love and acceptance and caring. Listening to what my fear has to say and being with that. Going deeper into where did this come from, what’s really present for me. Getting responsible. That is vital. Getting so responsible for how I am showing up and have been showing up in my life. And loving myself. Just keep loving myself. I am teaching myself I am safe by allowing fear to be safe to be with. In all of this I am also learning to trust myself. I like how this author says:

I like how the author Laura Samper G. says:

“Fear can take many forms, but the more I observe it, the more it speaks to me with love, and it manifests as a green light, a flag that points to the direction I should follow. Fear is a good friend when you get to know it.”

I love this. As I am making fear my friend to me personally it shows up as a red light/green light: “Stop. OK, now come this way.”

Being with it, being present. When I was in my avoidance of fear I noticed how much I had been avoiding life itself by not being present. By being disconnected with reality. As I create this intimate relationship with fear, I am becoming present in my daily life. I am starting to find treasures in myself I never knew I had. In my intimate relationship with fear I am opening to an intimate relationship with myself. I am starting to recognize who I know myself to be. One triggered moment at a time.


Day 32 of 100 Days of Loving and Celebrating Being



Watching my inner child as it moves through the world I see a form of bonding it seeks. I find this is within me. Mother and father and child. This is my Trinity, as I am each within. I feel the energy of soil beneath my feet, rooting strong into the aliveness of Earth. Present to this deep self-nurturing and protector by self-Mother and self-Father I open to the freedom and connectedness, the remembering and play of inner child. Recalling that I am the bonding I seek, there is a stillness I feel that knows. A stillness that has always known and each time awaits patiently for my return.

This Trinity, this balance, harmony, centers peace within. Filled with nutrients of love, empathy and understanding of self, I am able to embrace my innocence and kiss it to breath. Savoring this truth, of bonding with the wholeness of my being, I feel the love, tenderness, reception and acceptance I seek flourish within. With this foundation the child in me is free to be in its wisdom, the pure wisdom only a child can hold, with the guidance, honoring and experience of the adult I am. A gentle joy tingles through my being. I am satisfied.


BDSM: Don’t do it. It’s not for you. Unless it is.

It is true no calm sea ever made a skilled sailor. Yet, when one is looking at the sea and longing for travel, it is the skilled sailor that can give you the map to avoid the squall.

For me personally my body is repulsed by BDSM. I don’t say that to make wrong those who it is deeply authentic an expression for. All deep authentic true expression is beautiful. For me the thought of picking up a flogger again makes me recoil. Not because BDSM is a dirty nasty thing that only bad people do, no. I’m a former Dom and I can appreciate it as an art expression and I am also present to the scarring abusive experience that predominantly runs the BDSM world. My body rejects BDSM, not from shame but from being in integrity with myself. BDSM is not enough for me. I did it for years and I honestly got bored. When it was no longer authentic it became a wall between me and the person I wanted to experience. It became this act to do. And so it just isn’t enough for me anymore. What really drives me wild is that presence. Being right there with my partner our eyes open in awe with what we are seeing before us. Really seeing each other! Feeling the energy tingle across our bodies just to be in each other’s presence. Being so fully present with the person I love that we are just love experiencing love in two bodies. Our interconnect making us multi dimensional in experience. What touches my heart and from this arises my erotic energy, is heart connect. Pure unadulterated raw open heart connect and for me BDSM is not a part of that anymore.

For me, my own authenticity, BDSM is not true for me. If I were to hold it as some identity I needed, I would be out of integrity with myself. For me what is juicy is when I’m in partnership laying in nature together, enjoying the sun laying in long grass, with a comfortable warm silence. Watching their chest rise and fall and feeling the love for that motion as that is what declares their life and being in my life. Listening to the heartbeat of my lover and how his voice echoes in his chest when my ear is pressed there. Watching beautiful heart opening movies together.  Watching silly movies together. Being spontaneous with each other. The romance and passion of cooking together. Exploring the world together. Having a lazy day in our pajamas. Being annoyed with each other because we get triggered by each other as we evolve together. Cleaning each other’s puke if we get a stomach flu. This is erotica to me. The not so glamorous. The seemingly mundane. The beauty, gentleness and the absolutely confronting. This is passion to me. This is love.

There are powerful experiences I have had with BDSM as there has also been scarring abuse. I have gone into trance states with people during BDSM and have experienced the healing in myself and in others when it is from that space of healing and from love and consciousness. I want to be clear, this is not the norm. Through my personal experiences, as well as those shared with me from my clients at the time and close friends,  the severity of the abuse people have experienced in the BDSM world is enough to warrant extreme caution if not absolute avoidance of.

I also get that love is  what people seek when they seek BDSM or any part of sexuality. It is the God connect that is sought, which itself is love. In this the search for a Dom is the search for God. When my clients came to me they were not surrendering to me. I was just the icon for their surrender to God, their surrender to self. It took me into my late years towards the end of my 13 years of being a Dom to grasp this. What I am saying is you can cut out the middle man and just stand in your connection with God/higher self/love in this moment.

When one is coming from self love, however it is dressed, an experience reminds that love is the very core of us. However, love is not everyone’s intent in sexuality. Not everyone remembers they are love, unfortunately, and reach out to find connection in ways that are not love. Sexuality, BDSM included, needs the conversation that it is not separate from God, nor love when it comes from self love. And the reality is, this is not how sexuality, BDSM included, is sourced out in the world. It is primarily a basis of disconnect and glamorized for being so. The BDSM scene is not ‘ooh fuzzy handcuffs’ it is a full on experience that is truly not meant for everyone. I stand by that.

I get to see the innocence of BDSM when it is treated as an art just as I am also present to  the malicious experience of the BDSM world. It is not a safe world to enter. The glorification of it has somehow made BDSM a hip new fad and while I’m glad the conversation is coming forward, I do not feel it is something to be addressed so lightly.

BDSM is a part of my past as a Dominatrix. I am no longer a Dom and now I can transmute that experience into knowledge to support love, safety and authenticity. I can appreciate conscious BDSM, Tantric BDSM, as a transformational art when it is used as such. An art that has specific tools. That does not imply I would go to a convention again nor return to the scene. It just does not interest me. This is me saying I have respect for what BDSM can create when used consciously, as I abhor and condemn the abuse it is when used unconsciously.  Shibari I hold respect for as a healing art that touches meridian points, I have experienced Shibari as a form of acupressure. My whole body relaxed. It should be noted, I knew this person for years before this occurred. Rule of thumb, even those one knows can enter a whole new experience of themselves when they have you tied up. I have first hand witnessed with another person before I met the Shibari Dom and when I was still fresh in exploring BDSM. When you are tied up, you are at the absolute mercy of another person. This is real. That sentence is not to be taken lightly. There is a very true reality of what happens when you cannot get out.

A Dom and sub does not just interact with you physically. There is a mental element as well as soul connection. It can be a very pure connect when done consciously, however, as you can imagine also a very dangerous experience when done from disconnect. Disconnect from self, love, higher self/God/Source. It can easily be abused this space. The trance state I mentioned that happens in sexuality and BDSM is a very vulnerable state which leaves body and mind purely open to impressions. What is left there can take a lifetime to release and heal, if you’re lucky. I stand firmly that BDSM is not an experience for everyone and holds many dangers.

There is a reality that sexuality is still primarily in society approached in a way which promotes disconnect. Disconnect from self, life and others. I used to believe that sexual addiction was a myth until I got very clear it is not. Just like alcohol and other drugs, it can be used as a disconnect. BDSM can be used as a disconnect.

For me I stand in love and my connection with my spirituality. This is the space from which I approach my sexuality and see the innocence it is and it’s pure intent and that it is love, as I am love and pure intent. Having experienced BDSM as both abuse and Tantra, as I have experienced sexuality as abuse and Tantra, I am aware of both experiences and have listening for both experiences. I honor my body as my Temple. With grace, love, kindness and tenderness I love all of me and let go of shame. I stand in my God connect with my sexuality and in all aspects of my life as it is all one, as it is all love, as I am love.

I hold understanding for BDSM and it’s expression when I know it is truly coming from love, authenticity and full self expression. Again, this is not  the norm of the BDSM world. It is my pleasure to meet those for whom this is truly an authentic path while I am clear it is no longer mine. They too have the same passion and stand for BDSM only being experienced authentically and as an extension of self love. If it is not self love, it is abuse. Unfortunately the BDSM scene is so disconnected it is dangerous. True conscious BDSM or as it’s called ‘Conscious Kink’ is very rare. Now, be present that there are those who have embraced the title of ‘Conscious Kink’ just to take advantage of those seeking that space of healing. Galen Fous is one of the few people who is a stand for authentic sexuality and consciousness in BDSM. I currently started reading Galen Fous MTP’s book “Decoding Your Kink: Guide to Explore Share and Enjoy Your Wildest Sexual Desire”[]. He is a sex positive counselor of over 15 years and so far I am in alignment with what he shares even if we differ on certain views. I don’t require absolute agreement between me and others to see the value of their work.

Here is my advice to you if you are reading this and curious about BDSM. Don’t do it. It’s not for you. Unless it really is. And that takes time and care to find out. It takes creating relationships. Most people these days spend more time doing research on the person walking their dog than they do the person they are going to have sex with or put themselves in the hands of as a submissive or Dom. I know I sure was that way. I paid for it. A painful and scarring price. I have known people and clients who also shared the abuse they experienced with me. My hope is that between what I have experienced and what my clients shared with me as well as friends shared with me of the abuse they endured, people can hear the advice here I share. I myself was a reckless Dom when I was young who wreaked havoc. I have known the lust for sadism and masochism and the dark path that it took me on left those in my wake. I have left damage just as I have received it inflicted. I didn’t have the discipline it took to stand in my shadow and not cause harm with it. It took me years to become conscious in what I created as a Dom. It took me even longer to heal and simply lead with love and kindness. Starting with love, tenderness and softening to kindness with myself. This is my connection to God, the love I am.

I am adamant about not giving advice when it comes to people’s lives as that is each person’s life and choice and not for me to speak into. I feel true to this and when it comes to BDSM and the sex industry I am very clear and stand strong in where I come from with intent that people will spare themselves the horrors that I experienced. When I say horrors I mean that and no I do not mean that lightly. It is still difficult for me to go into the full disclosure of everything I have experienced, nor is it absolutely necessary for me to say. I believe those reading this will be able to deeply get the severity of what I am presenting.

I am going to out right now. This man I cannot believe what he is getting away with. It’s still considered legal as the women he hires sign a waver before hand  However, he does not stop when they ask him to and he specifically has that written down so that he can violate these women in the most medieval torturous way I have seen a living person do to another short of killing them. I know a couple of women who went to him. What he does is not BDSM it is total abuse in the most extreme form. There are women who worked with him who are so emotionally damaged they stopped being able to orgasm. I’m not saying women who can’t orgasm are emotionally damaged, to be clear. What I am saying is these women were free and beautiful in their sexuality and were able to orgasm, one of them with ease, until they met him and he broke them. Even as a Dominatrix I never stood by humiliation. This person takes humiliation of women to another level. He tortures them and uses this to make money on the internet. When I say torture, I mean that. Water to naked body plus electricity. Whippings on their breasts till they bleed as well as other body parts. There are Doms aware of this man and equally upset about what he is getting away with as I am. He’s been reported numerous times and somehow still gets away with what he does. What he does is not BDSM it is pure abuse. This is exactly why I tell people to not enter the BDSM world. People like him, both male and female, are waiting to jump on the innocent who are exploring their sexuality and exploit that naivete for their own sadistically abusive desires as well as monetary gain. Men are also prey to abuse in the BDSM world. When one is tied up it doesn’t matter how strong one is. It takes one compromising stationed position to equalize the size/strength ratio and leave men in a very vulnerable state. I had male clients who told me of the severe abuse they experienced in the hands of women pretending to be Dom’s. These faux Dom’s thought they knew what BDSM was and interpreted BDSM as ‘you get to hit people and make money?’. They took out their hatred towards men and hurt these men leaving both surface, internal and emotional scarring. This is criminal and this is what hides in BDSM community that few people come forward to talk about. I’m not afraid to talk about it. I couldn’t even speak of this before, it is far from easy for me to do so now. I have found this very conversation confronting to the point it shook my body and left me feeling disoriented before I could ground in what’s true for me. If this conversation saves one person from this abuse and keeps their spirit and bodies from being broken as mine was for so long, it is worth it to me.  People using hate porn, wanting others to get hurt for their own pleasure, I personally find this to be something to look at and heal. It is very disturbing to me. I was a part of all of that myself and I had to take a good honest look at what was going on there for me.

Does this all sound scary? Good. Then the reality has met the fantasy. This is not Candyland. This is the BDSM world and it is no joke. When I say ‘Good that you’re scared’ I don’t mean run around in paranoia. I’m saying the awareness can balance the fantasy of how BDSM is glorified as some cute dress up game with a little light bondage and flogging here and there. Conscious BDSM is rare. That is a fact. Knowing this is an important part of keeping one’s self safe. I am 34 and I’m just learning now that I don’t have to fly into situations leading with curiosity, wonder and adventurous naivete. Curiosity, wonder and naivete are beautiful traits and yet, when not grounded in self love and self care, dangerous. Being adventurously naive, doesn’t work. Such an oxymoron I found. Naive is beautiful and a tenderness that needs only sacred space to express. Naive is such an open-hearted tender space it needs a retainer of sanctity to hold it precious. That is not what leads in the world of BDSM. Conscious BDSM is not the norm, I must repeat that. Take it from me. I threw myself into these worlds lead by curiosity, wonder and adventurous naivete. Not just in BDSM, also in the sex industry and in sexuality in general. The world is not set up at this time as viewing sexuality as sacred. Taking the time to create partnership with the person who does revere sexuality as sacred, is life saving. We deserve to be held as sacred. You deserve to be held as sacred. Body, mind, soul. 

I have reached a place in my life where I know what it looks like to be held as a precious being. After having my body abused in many ways, it was startling to experience this kind of love and reverence. My eyes would get wide each time I experienced this and there would be a feeling of shock that ran through my body. I was even scared at first to be held so tenderly. I raged against it and fought it even before I began to allow myself to be held with love. When I watch those videos of dogs rehabilitated with love after neglect and abuse and how they flip out at first I cry because yes it is sad and because god, I so get it. I understand that feeling to freak out and shut down before realizing it’s safe to feel love and receive it. After so many years I am finally using my voice in it’s full self expression. And honestly, it terrifies me. My biggest fear has been that if I speak up and use my authentic voice that I will lose love. It’s not necessarily rational but it feels real to me as a fear. I also trust what I am sharing comes from my heart, it comes from me and I am in integrity with myself in writing this. So, I am writing this and letting go of my attachment to approval, understanding and acknowledgment. Come what may, I have to express this here. This is the truth of who I am and where I stand.

As I saw I was surrounded by love in my life I finally got to see it’s OK to be loved and held tenderly. I finally got to experience how sacred my sexuality is, how sacred my body is, how sacred I am, as I am life. I opened to the reality that my body is my Temple and I now honor it as such. I get to soften and cry and rejoice. I get to look at my wounds and empathize with myself and hold myself in tender space when I heal these things that come up for me. I also get to experience my wholeness as who I truly am. This all came from allowing people to hold me tenderly and in this learning to hold myself tenderly. This came from being kind to myself and allowing myself to continue to soften into the love I am. I know myself as love now and that has been a long hard journey. In the journey to remembering I am love I had to face feeling worthy of love. As I am love, I had to face feeling worthy of myself.

Those in the sex industry are often treated as the armpit dwellers of society. However, we are very much human. As a former sex worker I can say, the sex industry is a reflection of the way society views sexuality. A disconnected experience to take a dump on and feed addiction to disconnect. Addiction is that, a way to disconnect. The beautiful fresh wonder of sexuality is not yet supported in society as a whole. Sexuality is a seedling precious and tender that takes time to nurture and witness from one’s own heart. The heart is what nurtures sexuality to grow in it’s beautiful self expression. There are many who are open to the sexual experience and with big beautiful doe eyes step into the world asking ‘what is this?’. With this pure wonder, this trust and open heart exploration. We throw a box of condoms in their hands and say ‘have at it’ as if that is what sex is, merely a physical action. But it’s not just physical, nor is there truly a ‘just’ about it being physical. It is a powerful force that when accessed without the foundation of self as love and honoring self, it is pure destruction. Yet, when tended to, cared for, heart shining nutrients as it is connected to sexuality down to it’s very cells, it is a powerful force of love expression that flourishes one’s full self expression. That births worlds of creativity, that fertilizes the very soil of aliveness! Yes, this is sexuality as it is to support the love we are. We are deserving, worthy of this as who we are.

Sexuality is a God connect. Being raised in strict religion, that sounded counter-intuitive to me at first when I experienced it. There was so much shame and separation. Shame of sexuality and self exploration of body. The myth pushed of separation ‘between’ sexuality and God. There is no disconnect! God is love, love is the root of sexuality.  Leading with seeing self as love, being love, loving self, this is the root of sexuality. I think this is what was meant when the push for marriage before sex was brought into society. Not that marriage was necessary before opening sexually to someone, though I honor and get that view as well as long as it’s not shame driven and is truly authentic. I believe what was meant is there is a space of sanctity needed so that sexuality can be expressed and received as an extension of the love we are. By the way, there is nothing wrong with being a virgin. Yes, I an ex escort, ex self pleasure porn actress, ex stripper, ex Dominatrix am saying- there is nothing wrong with being a virgin! Nothing. And there is nothing wrong with not being a virgin. Got that? Virgin=cool, non virgin=cool.

From all the walks of life, from all of the dangerous and life threatening experiences I placed myself in with my naivete- I am seriously at times shocked I’m still alive- I have learned so much and my hope is it is heard so that others can slow down and not throw themselves in and get knocked around like I did. I got knocked around hard. I just happened to survive it but barely. I wanted to die. I wanted to kill myself. This is not the life I wish for anyone. What if the experience of sexuality shifted from a manic rush for sexual encounters  as a fix, to experiencing sexuality from self as love?

The conversation that I see needed is this remembering as self as sacred and the power of ‘No’. Sexuality is innocent and there are those with vile intent who want to prey on this innocence. Without clear conversation of the sacredness of body and sexuality the innocent end up without guidance and often in harmful experiences. We don’t have full control over what happens in our lives. That I get. I experienced things that I did not have control over that harmed me sexually when I was a child. What I did learn I could effect, is breaking the cycle of abuse locked in my body so that I no longer needed to call it into my life with self abuse, co-created self abuse, nor being abusive. No more co-creating self abusive cycles with my sexuality and I am practicing that in other areas of my life as well now.

What if we as people could break this cycle in society? Not from shame, not from extremes, from love and honoring self. This is the root of where it all comes down to. Love and celebration of one’s being. This foundation of seeing myself as love, as sacred and being kind and gentle with myself which can look like a fierce ‘No!’ to what I feel is not right for me. I noticed that when I came from sexuality  disconnected from the love I am, it felt off in my body but I couldn’t really understand what it was. It was so ‘normal’ that I couldn’t see it. For me it fed my past abuse, it came back to me reliving that energy and unwittingly enrolling others to be a part of that experience with me. It just doesn’t feel right nor work. It took a lot of getting really honest with myself and getting really present to where I was coming from with my sexuality. I can look at this with self empathy as I did the best I could with what I knew. I stand in my innocence and clarity.

I am so present to my body is sacred, my heart is sacred and my sexuality is sacred. I will only connect with my body and sexuality this way. I will only share myself with a partner from this space. Presently I do not have a romantic partner and unlike when I was in this space before, I feel wonderful. I do not have panic like I used to about this as I do not see being with someone or not being with someone romantically as an ideal either way anymore. My connection with self as connected to my higher self and source is my ideal and from here how my life looks with or without a partner, is divine. As I see the love I have been seeking is not outside of myself. It is who I am. 

I am in this beautiful and many times confronting space of exploring who I am in the arms of my own energy and heart, in the space of my own love, I am really savoring who I am. I get to see me and explore this. I am my own greatest adventure. I experience my body and sexuality as God connect, as I experience God as love, as I am love. My self as connected with Source/Universe I can experience erotic energy feeling the sun warm my arms and the grass tickle my toes. I can experience Eros watching the moon glint over a river, hearing the sound of the busy NYC streets declare it’s song, wearing my favorite raccoon fuzzy socks while I relax in bed and type. The sheer pink curtains kissing the sunlight as it enters my room, the faux flowers one made of thin pink wood decorating my vase. The incense and sage I allow to dance their scent in my home. At the very root for me erotic energy is love. Expression, experience, being. My passion is my being. My voice is remembering. My being is love.

Remembering myself this way- I say remembering as this is who I always have been, I just somehow forgot along the bumpy path- was not easy. This took work. It still does. It takes allowance, surrender and self kindness to open remembering myself as love. It may sound lofty I assure you it is anything but. It takes facing my shadow, being in awareness with it, loving it, guiding it to the light as I lead with the love I am. It is not always easy, though I will say god it has become so much easier over time. Or rather, I remember faster would be the best way to express that. I used to look at others who embody love this way and covet this experience. I would cry and wonder why I could not feel life this way. Well, I started with trying. I started with practice. I screwed up, big time, oh god, many times. I cried hard when I did as I felt my self doubt and self loathing, then I kept forgiving myself and being gentle with me. Years of slowly putting one foot gently in front of the other. Shaking while I did so or returning to fire dragon mode and then starting over again. Each time what I had to face was forgiving myself, seeing myself as worthy of my own being. I gave up alcohol among other things and that was a powerful boost. I’ve been sober a year now and counting. I cannot tell you the inner wars I have had to face to sit here and write what I am writing to you and smile as I know myself as love. I can tell you, even if it was a little part of me that reached out in the face of the rest of me that screamed unworthiness, it was that little part of me that made the at first little steps to open me to where I am now. I am so grateful I faced my shadow and inner judge even if at first it was war, now it is awareness, acceptance, surrender and love. This is how I now know myself as strong. I write this with my heart bared, hair a mess, eyes twinkling as I ignore my back aching from hours of writing and I think I forgot to eat a couple of meals. I tremble in the quake of fears that come up from baring this and yet I know it to be authentic from my heart. I write this to you who reads this from a pure space and from a deep passion that overrules any discomfort. A deep passion to share my voice from my heart and to tell you, god, you are so loved and worthy right now. If you’re one of the people who what I just wrote resonates as where you are, you can do this. You can see yourself and remember the love you are. I did it, you can. I don’t say that from ‘oh look at me I’m up here’ arrogance, no my feet are planted firmly on the ground right next to yours. I am rooting for you as I root for myself. Gentleness, kindness, love is your birthright. It can feel like a mountain to climb to claim it but I will say, it is worth every step. I don’t care what you’ve done in the past, the path to remembering innocence and the love of self, starts with the intent and from there practice and continued self kindness. What I found was it was me I had to face to receive the gift it is to face me. In remembering my innocence I got to stop trying to prove I wasn’t worth it. When I didn’t come from self love and seeing my innocence I had to push my view of myself as a monster to prove I was not worthy of myself, that I was not worthy of love. The practice of self love, kindness and remembering myself as love has transformed me into embodying the love I am and allowing myself to feel this! This is available to everyone. It starts just with the wish to and then the steps. For those just starting on that path or just getting interested, I am so in empathy rooting for you. I found that it was more of a realizing that I’m already ‘there’ the rest was just allowing myself to receive and see love. We are all love, I see you. For those already experiencing this remembering, I see you.

Meditation, where I used to fight doing it every time, I now look forward to it. I give meditation presence in my daily life as well. I can experience meditation in my walk on the noisy streets of NYC just by being present. It really is that available at any moment. Meditation is presence. I get to savor the sweetness of my being. I get to slow down and see the beauty even in the dirty puke stained sidewalks of this great and powerful city. I soak in the love I am, I soak in this spirit-human experience. It requires I consistently choose me. I am aware of and let go of perfectionism each time and love myself. I also love the perfectionism as a reminder to remember, I choose me, I choose love. I am whole, beautiful, grace, tenderness and kindness and I choose me. I am beautifully fallible human and perfect wholeness in my being. It feels incredible to be present to myself this way.

I will say again, for those reading this and are curious about BDSM- dont do it. It is not for you. Unless it is. And that takes slowing down, having a healthy relationship with self as priority, loving self and care before that truth will reveal itself. Take it from me, take your time and find what is real. In BDSM, partnerships [romantic or otherwise] and with self, take time. I have the scars to prove it is a dangerous road otherwise, not all of the scars are physical. Take time to truly see yourself as sacred, your body as your Temple and allow consciousness to lead sharing such sanctity with another. The power of ‘No!’ Is valuable, use it, as is the power of the true ‘Yes!’. There is nothing to be ashamed of as you stand for what is true for you. Believe me, me taking this stand is not comfortable and does not stand on agreement of others. It stands in what is true for me. I got so clear my conversation and voice in all of this. I get I don’t have to shrink myself ever again for approval. Nor do I need others to do the same for mine. My voice is mine. I am so free. Only you know what is true for you and that takes time to be able to see and honor this.

Slow down, our Temple is where the whole journey is happening anyway. I know I can miss the real journey if the illusion is the path is outside of me.

We are all love. However we seek love is however we seek love but it must be true to our very core. We must be true to the love we are. If the word God doesn’t work for  you then think of it as being connected to the very life source you are. We are all connected from this very energy, very easy to recognize. How can you tell? Well, are you breathing? Yes? Well, that is life! We are life. Without you this is not a human experience it is just a beautiful planet spinning in outer space. We are vital to this human experience and taking care of ourselves is the utmost importance. Without our individual self care, we lack integrity in this world. Self care is vital for integrity. When we put ourselves in places that are less than who we divinely are then we are not in self care we are in self destruct. Take care to notice if self destruct seems to be the basis from where one’s actions come from. Get support if need be. Meditation, therapy, nature, all of the above, whatever works. Take the time and care to come from a healthy space. If one is not sure, the golden ticket is always to slow down. Take the time to know what is true for you. Is it easy? It’s simple but it is not always easy. Each person is love. Made of love, connected in love. It is the forgetting of this that creates disconnection and this illusion of not belonging. You belong! You really do. Already and right now we all belong. Do not let the search for belonging lead you into situations that violate the very fabric of the love you are. I did and I am still healing from it. Trust yourself. Trust your ‘No’ and your ‘Yes’. If neither of those show up clear, slow down, get support and be with your own energy. I cannot speak enough about how supportive meditation is for me, guided or otherwise, in remembering my connect and seeing myself as sacred and the love, innocence and purity I am. You are deserving in being received from this space. You are a treasure and deserve to be treasured. I’ve found that often what people are seeking in BDSM is just their own love and exploration of higher self. You can find that right now, in your room, with a few minutes of a YouTube guided meditation video. As a matter of fact here’s goodie but shorty from my own stash, it’s “Guided Meditation: Connect with Your Higher Self” by the Honest Guys who are one of my fave to listen too. I also enjoy Michael Sealey’s guided meditation among others. Sometimes just gentle music is nice to meditate without the guide too. Whatever feels best for you. This is one I just connected to this week and it is a favorite now:


 Or one can get present to ones own love and higher self/universe/God in the presence of nature, an animal, just taking a second to be present to one’s own being.

Loving and celebrating my being is my expression of being present to my being, present to myself as love, life and wholeness. It means being true to myself and relinquishing outside agreement for what is pure and true for me. What I share here I do so coming from love. Loving and being tender and kind to myself and being a fierce unapologetic stand for people to experience their sexuality from safety, authenticity, self kindness and deep love of self. I am a stand for people seeing the love they are, wholeness, worthiness and beauty right now with nothing to fix. It all starts with love. Love is what leads.

Think of it like a car trip. Love is driving, self trust is the passenger and love lets it be the navigator, sexuality is the beautiful artist in the backseat. If love gets kicked out of the car and sexuality starts to drive on it’s own, it gets road rage and screams over the voice of self trust. Sexuality cannot take over the car trip. All I’m saying here and being a stand for, in my love and empathy for you as my fellow human: Let love drive. Without love sexuality just becomes manic, obsessive and crashes all over the place. It may seem ‘faster’ and have the illusion of being rewarding but it’s not. It takes me conscious effort at times to remember to let love drive and oh what a beautiful driver love is. I can actually enjoy the journey now, and the view is gorgeous from this gentle pace.

Day 100 of 100 Days of Loving Men

Day 100 of Loving Men

Shine your heart

In all of the wonder of how to be, how to connect with men there is nothing to do but be the love you are and listen with an open heart. Shine your heart, shine your love, and be kind to you. In inner kindness the love can only pour forward onto the men in your lives. It starts within. Love you, care for you, the love will be unstoppable for all those around you.

For me in self love and self kindness I am before a woman, before I’m Black and Latina, before I am an age, or sexual orientation, I am a human. My fellow humans are a part of me. Men are a part of me. In loving men I find kindness to myself. There is no wall between me and men except for the one I made up with old ways of being. I am not perfect, that is not my claim. I am perfectly imperfect in the adventure of me. I choose to keep listening, keep loving

Thank you for reading 100 Days of Loving Men! That you’ve come this far in reading shows an awareness that took me decades to recognize. My hope is that it brought some love in your life and the sight that you are the love in your life.

We are all connected. We have the power of choice and voice. How we choose to use that power is up to each of us as an individual.

Stay tuned! I will begin my next series of 100 Days:

100 Days of Loving and Celebrating Being

Thank you for reading xoxox

~We Rise, We Rise Together.