Nothing better than right now

I realized that I have these torture fantasies I call them that I play out in my head to punish myself with. I know it’s a human thing and I was thinking about it while doing the dishes. I realized that I replay these fantasies on loop in my head of what could have been or what I thought could be or what could have been in the future if I had only done ‘better’, been ‘better’, etc. It’s like I have this alternate reality on a pedestal that just is not real and I use it to punish myself for not being ‘enough’ to have created that. I named these ‘torture fantasies’ today and that helps me snap out of it and even laugh about it a bit.
 
The theme is ‘not good enough’ to have created my fantasy alternate reality that I praise. But it doesn’t exist! It’s not real! If it were real it would be now. The reality is I have always done what has felt right for me in the moment and every single person I have related with even on a ‘stranger’ level has always done what has felt right for them in the moment, authentic or not. That’s just all there has been. And exactly where I am right now is perfect. And exactly where I have been is perfect and exactly where I will be will also be perfect. And it all just doesn’t matter so much.
 
What matters to me is that I can see that exactly where I am is where I am meant to be and it is awesome. It’s just so freeing to be aware of my alternate reality praising and bring myself back. I’m sure this is a life long game of mechanisms vs the present lol It felt cool to have a moment of jolting today of wait.. what the hell am I doing?? A beautiful day and I’m torturing myself over not being ‘good enough’ for my alternate reality?? hahahaa it’s so great to find comedy in it. The fact is I am ‘good enough’ and more. I am in a great place, comparison to fantasy alternate reality not necessary. I do compare it to how far I’ve come in taking care of myself, in appreciating my life and all that entails. No I don’t live in my fantasy alternate reality and I’m glad. Because I’m finally proud of exactly where I am right now. It’s beautiful. It’s real and I love it. Even the challenges, although I don’t always love them at first, or at all, and they are real. Real is beautiful, even in the ugly. Nothing is better than my right now in each now.
Start-Living-In-The-Now

A call to awakened sisterhood and the end of the man hating pain wall.

A call to awakened sisterhood and the end of the man hating pain wall.

You want the goddess? You call to her, sing to her, praise her, call her life? You deny her destruction and in this her entirety? You REALLY want the goddess? Well here she is! Meet me here at the feet of Kali-Ma and lay down your illusion, claim your freedom
and end your hate ride

You point and shame ‘warrior, warrior’ to men, well face me! Face my warrior! Here we are, give me your blades. I will not strike you, I will fiercely smack away every illusion of fight- expect it- as I come to you to touch your heart with fire, can you sit in sisterhood
with me? Or will you flee?

Can you stay here in my raw alcehmy and spew your illusion until it runs dry as I hold no cup for it? Can you be here naked in your soul and touch my ears with your pain? Can you scream, cry until you realize in your fold that you are killing your own heart?

This wall, this pain body wall projected onto men has got to STOP. Transmute the pain and own your heart. Open your eyes to YOURSELF.

Do you know what you are saying when you spread your pain words about men? You are telling me how much of yourself you have not faced. How much of you that you do NOT accept. How much of your own life you have shackled behind your illusionary wall of blaming men. And when your sisters come to tell you with open hearts, ‘be with me, let go of the pain, receive yourself fully’ you shut them out?

You want the Goddess? Then hear Kali roar!-

Goddess worshippers with a blind eye to the Divine Masculine, To Shiva my King, light, my heart, you dare tell me that you praise the
goddess? I don’t think so. You throw your brothers and sisters under the bus to collect in pain and division within yourselves. You create walls within you and blame those around you. This is not heart, this is not mercy, this is not power. This is sadness for you, this is isolation within yourself. You carry a desert within you that you can
never sate until you receive the oasis you are.

There. Since we’re all speaking for the gods suddenly, giving our archetypes authority and voice as it suits us, face my Kali.

I have watched every gender and sex speak and drive the malignant stories of men, illusions spoken as if true. Bitterness is a heavy habit and it spawns hatred fueled behind wall of justification. Leap frogging this fear and hate across generations. It stops HERE.

I do not speak this to ostracize nor divide those who hold such bitterness and hate while lying to themselves and saying they do not, I say this to embrace all of you. Your heart is calling for freedom it sparks in the pain I can feel in your words. YOU ARE NOT DIVIDED. In the illusion you are you perpetuate pain, within and feed the
unconsciousness. It’s not outside of you, you are it.

You’ve been host to this for too long. Divine Masculine has been awake in humanity since the beginning of human, this is not new, as is the Divine Feminine. They exist and are expression of union within. To
fear and hate either is to fear and hate self.

When you say you project your shaming of men, I hear you hate you. And that is a very deep dark sad place to be.

Illuminate.

I call you to illuminate.

I call to the remembering and birth of sisterhood. My rage is pure and true, not devoid of grace and connection, a stand FOR. I see you and it’s time to stop hiding from your own power while casting blades from behind wall of justified. You are not so powerless, nor so dead hearted, I don’t buy the illusion and I will not carry your blade to
the hearts of men.

Hold your self true, hold your innocence alive, breathe in your aliveness, your freedom, join the unity within and receive the unity in the breath of your now.

WHOLENESS.

What you project on men, you feed within. Own it or not. Either way it’s your own power and heart you embrace or shroud.

What you project on women, you feed within. That woman, yes that one, the one RIGHT in front of you is alive. She is your sister and I would not want to see my sister in the swamp, surrounded by a wall of filth
she calls ‘truth’. Dedicated to holding onto her pain and shooting it at men with a fake smile and a plastic ‘goddess’ toy in her back
pocket to back up her hateful claims. I REFUSE to leave her in that pain or coddle her illusion she uses to hide from aliveness, I refuse to be an accomplice to the pain she deals to men and herself.

I don’t think so.

I stand here heart true, open eyed, soul screaming- I do NOT accept the pain body illusion of the masculine and men, I do NOT support your wall and I do NOT accept men being told to carry these pain stories as true.

ENOUGH!

I call to you. The fury in me is a call of heart. THIS is sisterhood, You want the feminine? I’m right here. Wild and awake. Run if you want or stay and touch your own
feminine and be in sisterhood with me. Not the mock sisterhood you’ve been fed, the human and divine where the masculine is seen as is the feminine and neither devoid of inner presence.

So, you ready or what? I sure as hell am. I want my brothers and sisters back. I’ll meet you here by Kali’s feet while Shiva dances.kalima

Sunlight warms my flower feathers

Craning my stem I face the warmth

Rain drops drip on my head

How to tell the sky it is the sky

It’s grandness so great

It is life

Brilliant vibrant sun melts through it

Rays slide down it’s spine

Moon rolls up neck

Hair wild with stars

Voice of stardust

Clouds storm innocence

Fields of sunflowers sprout

Seedlings can fly

All because the sky is.