The Bravado of Avoiding Self Responsibility In Our Conversations Of Men

In today’s video on my YouTube Show Celebrating The Love of Being, titled ‘The Unconsciousness of “I love men, as long as they…”‘ [See video below ] I briefly touch on the bravado of self avoidance. Avoiding self responsibility is not ’empowerment’ but rather the bravado of not being responsible. This is a conversation that is present across the gender line and in this conversation I will speak about the unconscious bravado aimed at men.

Unfortunately, I am seeing under the guise of ‘female empowerment’ the bravado of avoiding self responsibility in relating with and having conversations about men and self. It is not ‘female empowerment’ to not be responsible for my listening of men and respecting a man’s ‘No’. For I must be responsible for listening to my own needs. And if I recognize my needs are important, how could I shame men for sharing their needs are important?

It is not ‘female empowerment’ to use defensive bravado as a way to hide from the fact that I am not listening to a man’s voice and am in fact shaming men for speaking up about their needs. This experience is not only under the precise conversation of ‘female empowerment’ it is also in any avenue where bravado can be confused as a woman using her voice ‘powerfully’ when in fact shaming of men is happening.

The bravado that is the basis of shaming men and the conversations of denigration aimed at men is in fact self avoidance. It can be uncomfortable to listen and look when a man says, ‘No’ to how they are being approached, being represented, objectified, demanded of and manipulated. I recognize that often this can be unconscious these actions aimed at men and yet, it is up to me to look and listen when a man points them out to me. I understand that facing my unconsciousness with men and with anyone is very uncomfortable.

However, in a society that is very quick to dismiss the unconsciousness and denigrating conversations and actions aimed towards men while also confusing and conflating this abuse of men as ‘female empowerment’ or ‘a strong woman’ I must absolutely be vigilant lest I allow myself to excuse my unconsciousness towards men. In a society where my self avoidance bravado of shutting down my listening down towards men is celebrated by a sleeping society, it is my responsibility to keep checking my own awareness of this. In this society it is easy to get swept away in the drunken acceptance of praise for being reckless and harmful towards men, I did before in my own unconsciousness. And this is why it takes hard work to look and question this self avoidance bravado cloaked as ‘female empowerment’ or it’s ‘a strong woman’ who speaks abusively towards men or shuts down a man’s voice. That is not ’empowerment’ that is inferiority parading about pretending ‘superiority’. I am very clear I am inferior to no one and that is why I choose to not to pretend I am superior either. There are actual powerful, vital and even beautiful conversations being had that support women in society and this bravado is not a part of this. Anything that is actually based on being hurtful and dismissive towards men is a masquerade of the real conversations that are important for women. Shaming men is not ‘female empowerment’. I choose to not entertain that myth.

To me there is nothing ‘strong’ about shutting down the voice of another. Such a desire to me is Fear baffled by the confrontation of the call to self responsibility. What is missed, is self responsibility is another way to recognize myself as a powerful being. Not powerful in the sense of domination as that is not power, powerful in a sense of recognizing the beauty of my being and in this recognizing the beauty of the being before me and that we are both important, not just me.


Acknowledging a person’s try

This morning I got to distinguish between someone being intentionally malicious and someone actually trying, even if my interpretation is they are being malicious. It’s all about the person’s intent. IF the intention is to be malicious then it’s not a try to me. However, if the person is coming from a space of compassion from where they are- even if in my view, from my filter, it may not seem compassionate based on my reality- then that to me is a try. And that’s when it’s time for me to step out of my own way and be in my own compassion and in this be compassionate towards them in acknowledging their try. That’s what I’m choosing. Oh boy is it confronting! Hahaha AND I’m up for the adventure!

Artist of painting unknown


Have I Internalized Misogyny?

Have I Internalized Misogyny?
I have been told that I have ‘internalized misogyny’ simply because I speak up about male victims being including in the human rights conversation. No. That is a downright lie I will not take on. What I believe is happening is those projecting this see only one gender as a victim so that view is being projected onto me as if I only see one gender as a victim. Absolutely not. Nothing could be further from the truth and I am really sick of this being projected onto me. I am creating a conversation of inclusion, how that is being warped into a conversation of exclusion is a gaslighting I’m not taking on.
I have NEVER denied there are male criminals and female victims, nor would I ever. If I were to say ‘No female victim/male perpetrator dynamics exist’ or ‘My voice as a female victim doesn’t really matter we need to hear men first’ that’s when YES it could be said I have succombed to the misogyny gods and have internalized sexism. But I have never and would NEVER say that. I don’t believe in ‘first’ when it comes to victims of violence being supported, I believe in- together. ALL victims matter and no victim should be kept from funding for supporting their healing or escape to safety. There is some bizarre scarcity mentality and hoarding sneaky lie that is underlying conversations denying male victims as if we don’t have enough resources to help men, yes we do. All we need is the awarenes and empathy to take the actions necessary so that men are not denied support simply for being born male.
I am speaking a conversation inclusive of male victims while shining a light on the blindspot on men in our society. That is opening the conversation to speaking on all victims and to recognize all victims need support. Otherwise, we are attacking innocent people simply for being born male or simply for being born female. I don’t believe in ‘man bad/woman good’ just as I don’t believe in ‘woman bad/man good’. I believe every human has the capacity for violence and the capacity for greatness. Violence is NOT gendered, violence is a human issue and the focus needs to be on supporting victims and criminals being brought to face the law. I believe regardless of political identity we can all come together to support human rights issues.
Once again, I know I stand uniquely in my conversation of inclusion in a society that is predominantly in denial of the importance of including and supporting male victims. To me everyone is welcome to this conversation regardless of political identity. I am also aware all humans, myself included, hear through a filter. I get people are unconscious, me too. I am making a very clear statement here that yes I am spearheading my own voice here and I get it does not fit the ordinary and I stand by my voice and my heart. I know my intentions and I will not be afraid nor silent anymore.
Photo by Max Nepstad for my feature by Gran Centenario Tequila speaking on my book ‘100 Days of Loving Men: A Woman’s Journey Into Recovery’.
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Today’s topic is: ‘Conflating Male/Female with Criminal Simply for Being Born’
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YouTube video: ‘Conflating Male/Female with Criminal Simply for Being Born’