Life is a mess, mess is alive.

Making a mess is not the issue. I’m not going to live my life with the fragility of wishing to not make a mess. To me that’s not living nor is it loving myself. It’s the clean up and being self responsible that makes a difference for me.

I’d rather be uncomfortable and clean things up than be right to substantiate my fears of making a mess.

Sticking to being right in the face of recognizing when I have indeed made a mess and there is something for me to own, will actually gratify my fear and solidify my fears of messing up or making messes. In that I will restrict my life and action rather than choosing courage to live and experience life itself!

I’m hear to mess up.

And I’m here to get uncomfortably responsible and clean up the messes I make. To me this is the very essence of being alive and learning. Cleaning up to me is self care and freedom. The mess is sacred and how I unravel the human threads ‘to’ God connect. The clean up is sacred as it is how I remember the Divinity of humility.



Emotions are not something to ride on

From my experience, and what I’m learning, is that my emotions are not something for me to ride on. If I expect my emotions to hold me up, I will fall flat on my face. I fall flat on my face anyway as sometimes I just want to go for a ride, and I’m finding something out. If I expect my emotions to sustain me in action, they cannot. They do not have the substance to do so. I believe riding an emotion can help for short sprints, particularly anger, but only for short sprints and only in survival moments which in this day and age are not so prevalent here.

To me when I expect emotions to carry my weight and then find they indeed cannot, the disillusionment pushes me to addiction. I’m talking about all emotion, anger, sadness/pain, fear and yes, happiness. Food, sugar, etc and at one-time alcohol. How dare my emotions not take me where I want? Well, it’ snot their responsibility, it’s mine. Emotions, for me, are a calling. They are calling me to pay attention to a need. Calling me to hold them, love them, feel them and self-care. Get into my self-love ICU if I need to and then from that space, transmute into choosing an action based on the need I am being called to face.

This doesn’t mean I do not feel my emotions, I feel them deeply that is my reverence to myself. Nor does it mean I’m shaming happiness, I enjoy my happiness very much. What I am saying is the action, the sustainable action, comes from a deep place within myself that I do not have a name for yet. I can only say that it feels like this deep unwavering knowing. The space within me that is me. An unquestioning certainty. From that place when I am in action, I do not fall flat on my face. I’m actually impervious to anything outside of what supports my action. There is a clarity not based on emotion, but an unshakeable knowing. To me my emotions call me to care for them, myself and to return to this space and take the action(s) needed to stand in what needs to be done.

Photo Copyright Max Nepstad


Mindfulness in the Human Rights Conversation

Today’s video on my YouTube:

Mindfulness in the Human Rights Conversation Video

Subscribe to my YouTube channel to be notified of new videos every Monday! I will be continuing to share insight into my book ‘100 Days of Loving Men: A Woman’s Journey Into Recovery’ and my voice.



It’s very interesting to challenge my very perceptions as I continue to thrive. Shedding the habits of survival to take on the garments of thriving means second-guessing what I’ve found comfortable and what I have even defended as ‘nurturing’. I have deceived myself in survival mode to interpret limiting beliefs as ‘nurturing’ as for that time period those habits were ‘safe’. And survival is about perceived safety. However, as I thrive I see defending that which keeps me small is no longer a fit. I am grateful for survival mode bringing me this far and keeping me safe in its own way, and now I challenge my perception. I find myself seeing that what truly nurtures me, challenges me. Challenges me to trust myself, challenges me to believe in myself, challenges me to expand beyond my fears and perceived limits. This challenge to me is married with creativity.

Photo by unknown


The military is the reason we are free to live how we live. The military is filled with men and women making the ultimate sacrifice to keep our countries safe. To keep the war from our doors. To have to be in war face to face and then come home and try to have a normal life then be treated with disdain or met with hate from those you served to protect must be incredibly painful. The reality is we don’t live in a society where every human being has mastered full self-responsibility or even partial self-responsibility. This isn’t a question of conspiracy it is all very simple to me, it all comes down to self-responsibility.It’s so easy for me to find the devil outside and make the world so wrong, and I belong here.
When I am disconnected from ‘I belong’ that’s when I cannot see my part in who I am being in the world and what I am supporting. And If I cannot see myself as belonging, well then there is no way I am going to be responsible for everything that’s happening ‘out there’ because that’s not mine, I don’t belong to that. Except I do. I belong to everything that’s on this planet. The war, the hate, the love, the beauty, the sacrifice and the indulgence. To spit at our protectors is a luxury they paid for with their lives. It’s not something I choose to do as I have respect for those who have given all so that I can walk the streets safely and in freedom. So that I can exercise my human rights so that I can have the luxury of taking my freedoms for granted until I remind myself who keeps those freedoms in place. I stand by our military wholeheartedly and am humbled by their sacrifice.
The only way war one day will no longer be necessary is in elevated levels of self-responsibility.
The military, the police, they only exist to bring integrity to the lack of self-responsibility. I can make a difference in the conversation of war and that starts with my own self-responsibility. As I challenge myself to be responsible with my own perceptions and my own choices and my own conversations that is how I make my footprint in the conversation that is war. Because ultimately war is a conversation, a conversation with my self.

From Suicidal to Self Care

Good morning. Today’s video: From Suicidal to Self Care.
I’m making a video every day until the end of the Kickstarter to give you insight into the book and my voice.
Only 9 more days to make ‘100 Days of Loving Men: A Woman’s Journey Into Recovery’ a reality! If you want to see this conversation out in the world please take a moment and invest in my Kickstarter:
Thank you and feel free to share this post and get the word out there.
Photo by me:

I’m starting to ask myself, ‘Where else is this the case? Where else is someone genuinely being compassionate based on how they perceive the world and I’m judging it based on how I perceive the world and making their try “Not enough”?’ If I judge someone’s try as ‘not enough’ then who am I being in relation to them? A try is pure. Just because it doesn’t fit my perception, doesn’t mean it’s not pure.

A try is pure and compassionate and loving. Where the hell do I go to smash on something so pure? What drives that? I don’t need to impart knowledge. I can share my knowledge and I don’t have to be so attached that it’s received. That’s the freedom I’m giving myself. As I feel solid in my knowledge, I’m just becoming less attached to it. Not that I won’t share it, just that it doesn’t define me whether it is received or not.

Words: Me

Artwork: Alvin Epps