Mindfulness is not just a word to me. Presence with my emotions is for me, health. I felt the familiar quake of fear in my body. I became aware of my habit to not face the fear, to constrict my body and in this perpetuate rather than allow the fear. I have found fear is a door, waiting to be faced, waiting to be opened. I sat with my fear. I felt it. What followed was pain. I felt it. As I allowed my pain, an overwhelming beauty showed up, overwhelming allowance of love. Tears poured.
Then I felt it come, like a thick cloud over my mind. Here was anger. I felt my body like a case of love. I allowed the embodiment of my anger to show up within me, within this case. I watched her. I let her speak in me throwing her rage outside. I watched her, being careful not to enroll and not to push her away. When she was done raging outside, she turned her anger at me. I imagined a protective coat of love between her and my heart to not take on what she was saying, still not rejecting her, listening. Then I put my hands on her arms and asked, ‘What do you want me to hear?’
Fear came up wide in her eyes, she screamed without words, she fell into a fetal position and whimpered, then rose. I put my hands on her arms again and she said,
‘I love you’.
I sobbed. I placed my hand on my heart and my belly and said,
‘I love you too. I love me.’
She smiled, laughed bewildered that I could love her showing up as she did, I said I love you especially because you showed up how you did. I let her know how much I loved every bit about her. She smiled and suddenly there were flowers in her wild hair. She sat bopping up and down, then finally waved to go off and play. Knowing she is loved. Knowing I would be here to hold space for her again.
I met my fear, went face to face with the door and instead of huddling by the foot of the door and continuing to shake, this time I opened it.