Mindfulness Is Not Just A Word To Me.

Mindfulness is not just a word to me. Presence with my emotions is for me, health. I felt the familiar quake of fear in my body. I became aware of my habit to not face the fear, to constrict my body and in this perpetuate rather than allow the fear. I have found fear is a door, waiting to be faced, waiting to be opened. I sat with my fear. I felt it. What followed was pain. I felt it. As I allowed my pain, an overwhelming beauty showed up, overwhelming allowance of love. Tears poured.

Then I felt it come, like a thick cloud over my mind. Here was anger. I felt my body like a case of love. I allowed the embodiment of my anger to show up within me, within this case. I watched her. I let her speak in me throwing her rage outside. I watched her, being careful not to enroll and not to push her away. When she was done raging outside, she turned her anger at me. I imagined a protective coat of love between her and my heart to not take on what she was saying, still not rejecting her, listening. Then I put my hands on her arms and asked, ‘What do you want me to hear?’

Fear came up wide in her eyes, she screamed without words, she fell into a fetal position and whimpered, then rose. I put my hands on her arms again and she said,

‘I love you’.

I sobbed. I placed my hand on my heart and my belly and said,

‘I love you too. I love me.’

She smiled, laughed bewildered that I could love her showing up as she did, I said I love you especially because you showed up how you did. I let her know how much I loved every bit about her. She smiled and suddenly there were flowers in her wild hair. She sat bopping up and down, then finally waved to go off and play. Knowing she is loved. Knowing I would be here to hold space for her again.

I met my fear, went face to face with the door and instead of huddling by the foot of the door and continuing to shake, this time I opened it.

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I Am A Victim Of BDSM.

It is important that I am heard: I am a victim of BDSM. Just as in tantra there is a platform for victims there must also be a platform for victims in BDSM and any other modality that someone has used to perpetrate harm.

There is a massive blindspot to BDSM abuse victims and it is dangerous.

Can you imagine? I, a BDSM abuse victim, was told I am not speaking properly in coming forward and am offending BDSM practitioners. My stand for BDSM abuse victims is not a campaign against anyone’s choice in life. People have the freedom to choose BDSM nor was I standing in the way of that- what a massive gaslighting tactic to say I was.

This is ME speaking about MY abuse and in this standing for ALL BDSM abuse victims! I stand for all victims.

I am lucky to have done the work to heal. The abusive behavior I was met with from BDSM practitioners could have driven me to a dangerous place. So no, there is no current safe platform for BDSM abuse victims nor listening for BDSM abuse victims and how I have been treated is proof of the blind spot. Even powerful advocates for victims are in this blind spot in regards to BDSM abuse victims. I believe there is a powerful opportunity for this blind spot to be revealed and healed in the name of BDSM abuse victims and all abuse victims worldwide.

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Can You Feel It?

Can you feel it?
As it vibrates in your throat
From the reaches of your heart, soul, mind
Echo of your body turned to sound

Do you know it?
Recognize the power it holds?
Creator you are as your unique vocal print
Unlocks the universe to behold

Do you let it rearrange you
As you surrender to it’s seeking?
Pulling life into existence
One word at a time

Has your voice curled up from whips of shame?
Screams of the dangers of ‘Not good enough’?
Has it’s tenderness been lost in the flames?
Has its ferocity been lost in the water?

Forget channeling the gods,
Have you channeled yourself?

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Words my own, Artist: unknown

I Release Myself, I Am Free.

I release myself from
The unconscious pain that was placed onto me
From the wounds of those who did not know they bled

I release myself from the unconscious pain I placed onto myself
For I did what I knew and
It was the best I could have possibly done

I have placed myself, prostrated,
At the feet of those I have unconsciously hurt
I apologize to the many I will never see again
Those who will never hear my regret

For years I have done penance
I have felt their pain in my own body,
Screaming through my veins
I kept their pain alive in me to teach myself the impact and repercussions of my actions
I have received, recognized and grown from their pain
And I release myself.

I honor where I am and the stream of life
Which I chose to bring me here

And so,
I am getting up from kneeling on the cobblestones

I release myself.

I am free.

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Poem by me, photo artist unknown.

Shadow Work VS Shadow Worship

SHADOW WORK VS SHADOW WORSHIP

To me, there is a massive misconception between ‘shadow work’ and ‘shadow worship’ going on in society. The shadow, to me, is self love hiding in unconsciousness waiting to be discovered. Shadow work for me is facing my unconsciousness, meeting it with understanding and allowing my shadow to transmute into its true form- love. Meeting my shadow is powerful, intense, private work in which I move through whatever unconsciousness has come into my awareness for me to make healthy choices. Therapy is shadow work to me. A space where a studied professional can hold a retainer of self love and self acceptance reminder while being a powerful sane advocate for my health.

Shadow worship, on the other hand, to me is not meeting the shadow, it is a clever parade of avoiding the shadow. Shadow worship in my experience, as I have spent quite a large part of my life doing just that, actually enables the shadow to stay shrouded. When the shadow calls out to be heard and is not only ignored, it is praised, then shadow runs the show and does not get to reach it’s true form. Praising/avoidance of shadow is to me the abandonment of shadow. The abandonment of shadow is the abandonment of self. Abandonment of self is the root of acceptance of deep abuse consciously and non, including self abuse. In my experience shadow worship, because it was a fanfare of shadow avoidance, actually enabled a conversation in my body of not being worthy of the love that was waiting for me in facing my shadow.

In my eyes, BDSM is shadow worship, rather than shadow work.

In leaving the BDSM world I now choose to do my work rather than disrespect the path of my shadow by worshiping it. The shadow’s purpose to me is to show me the diamond in the coal to remind me I am worthy of love. To remind me, I am love.

 

*To be clear, the context of this is based on philosophy, not religion.

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The Strength Of Self Love

I think people misconstrue my conversations of exploring self care and self love as me being broken perpetually looking to fix myself or being weak. No. I am not broken, nor weak, I have nothing to fix, I am enjoying me. I am savoring diving deeper into my own love. Being present to self care and self love is so powerfully beautiful to me. Saying ‘I love me’ is not me being hopeful, it is me doing the hard work and living it. Self love is mighty. Love is vulnerable strength. Me being honest does not make me broken, it means I trust myself. Saying ‘I love me’ is not a pleading, it is not a victim cry, it is a stand as much as it is a relaxation into the truth of my being.

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