So this morning my machine [compilation of survival mechanisms] got started and I got so clear my machine does not like being responsible nor being held to account for integrity. I make the distinction between me and the machine. I want to be responsible, I want to be in integrity and know it’s not moral [bad/wrong], it’s just what works and creates a solid foundation for living who I am. Being the love I am. The machinery reacts from ‘something is wrong’ as it is meant to when there is actual danger, however, when I give in to that rather than be present, everything is dangerous especially being held to account for being responsible and in integrity. I know there will be time me and the machine will actually need to come to blows and I will win and I’m also aware it doesn’t always need to look like that.
I got triggered and went straight into rage and then confusion and then victim. Then I had a moment of ‘Oh, that’s my machine’. So I started to witness it. Just listen from outside of it’s charge. Listen to all it had to say and wonder, why is it saying this? The machine is not ‘bad’ nor ‘good’ it is a survival mechanism and so it has it’s purpose, to keep me alive. However, it is also not meant to take over and run the show or it will see danger everywhere, block full self-expression, keep me living small to keep me ‘alive’. That isn’t being alive. It’s being paranoid.
So, I listened to my machine. It sounded like a frazzled child just trying to feel safe. Journeyed with it for a bit, me in stillness and no longer in the rage actually entering a state of joy, freedom and calmness as I listen. Letting it lead me to the moment of my life it felt it needed to react to live. Feel whatever is there, not repress, have empathy for what it needs to say and get it. And let go. Acknowledge it, let ‘it’ or inner child, know it’s safe. It quiets down, calms. The alerts silence.
There will be times I need to fight the machine so that it doesn’t run the show, and I get it is to get to the times like this where I can witness it, embrace it, listen to it, love it and turn off the alarms. It has it’s purpose, to keep me alive and safe, and it doesn’t need to run the show. Running the show, or rather being, is my purpose to be of service. Teaching the machine I am safe. I already know I am. This is how I experience harmony within and get present to the peace I am.