I have been working so hard to get present to my anger, it’s impact on those I love and my life that it was turning into needing to fix something rather than allowing and loving. I had a friend ask me what if it doesn’t change? I said it has to. He got me really present to I had no allowance for what was showing up. Instead of resisting the anger, fear, trigger I realized I just need to relax and allow it. My intense focus on it was starting to create more fear for myself. I was starting to go down the rabbit hole of making myself wrong for getting triggered. I also allow that I was fixing. Allowing it all.
What I got was I can us my tools to put something in place when I do get triggered. Create a gap between the trigger and my communication, a wedge, where I place self love, self care and self respect. Take a moment to allow my mind to go into what it knows to go into, allow the mess in my head for a minute and take a moment. What I put in place is a simple sentence “They love me”. That’s it. And it brings me back to reality, it brings back my listening and it opens my inquiry. What are they saying that I am not hearing? What are they really sharing with me? From that I get the stand people are in my life. The love they are and how they see me as greatness and worthy. Then loving myself in such a way that I can see that about myself too.
In loving myself I allow. Allow the trigger to come up and be, love my trigger as an alert to get present and then choose. Resistance only creates more of what I resist. In allowance I get to accept I will have triggers until the day I die, that’s just part of being human. In allowance I get to not make that wrong, I get to embrace it and love it as part of a human experience even if it is not fun, nor comfortable, really get it as a piece of adventure. Choreographing is not always fun nor comfortable. The repetition of the same 30 seconds of a song is challenging, confronting, annoying and at times frustrating. And I love to dance, I love to express myself. The triumph and excitement when I get a section and then song fully choreographed exactly how it feels right in my body, holds no bars to the discomfort, pain and stress that can come from choreography. The challenge on my body, the bursts of expression that calls me, demands me, to find way to speak in movement. I love every part of it. I love to choreograph, I love the adventure, I love the challenge. I’ve decided to take on my triggers and using my tools during the time I am triggered, as part of my life choreography. Part of my dance.