For the past couple of weeks I have been looking deep into my past. Writing my book it brought all of my life choices to my present view. Guilt, shame, fear, terror, all came up for me. Self flaggelation, self loathing, self doubt, dissappointment with myself, all in my face. I could not hide from what was time to give a look to. So I did. It was scary, it was painful as hell and boy did I torture myself in my head about it all. I got to get deep into the hell of it. I wanted to. I wanted to look and really see what I had a feeling was there but I just couldn’t see at the time. I just allowed it. I allowed all of it. I got so clear how inauthentic my anger has been. That what I thought was anger, was a protective reaction to the deep seated fear I had.
I got so present to just how much fear I had. I decided I want to get deeply and intimately related to my fear. Acknowledge it when it comes up. This is day 4 for me of listening. Feeling my fear and saying ‘Thank you. Thank you for showing up, I hear you. I’m OK. Everything is OK. Everyone in my life loves me and wants what’s best for me as I love me and want what’s best for me. I am safe. There is nothing to forgive.’ When anger show’s up I’ve been catching it and telling myself ‘that is a fear thought’ as there is no immediate danger, no real reason to be angry and often I’m on my own when this random anger thought shows up. The first couple of days, like any detox, was rough. This day, this day I am proud of myself. I am proud of what I am putting in place for my own inner peace. I am proud of accepting all of the deep pain that showed up for me and the fear and really allowing it. I got to experience my freedom in this. There is nothing so freeing for me as to fully accept myself in the now.
I got flat on my past. I am a powerful interruption of the ordinary. I really really got that for myself today. I got it as I was sharing with a friend that this is who she was. I really got to see myself as this. My whole life, all of my choices, all of my experiences was all part of this. I have always been an interruption of the ordinary, that is just a part of who I am in my natural being. I get now how my choices are not something to punish myself over or bemoan myself, rather take it as all training for what I am up to in this world today. Right now. The shifts I am able to bring with my experiences, with my voice, with my being a powerful disruption of the ordinary. I feel so free. I feel like I have enveloped my past with a wide embrace deep with acceptance, love and a yes.
Yes to every choice. Yes to even all of the shame, guilt, doubt and self-reprimand. Yes to all of it. With this yes, I wake up from the slumber of forget and remember I am pure love. In the face of self-sight, how can any attachment matter? How can any of it hold any significance? As I know myself as love, there is no lack. In this I come out from hiding, I come into the present and out of the haze of disassociation with my own being. I get myself as love and there is nothing else to get. This is it, and it is perfect.