Day 37 of 100 Days of Loving and Celebrating Being

Cultivating
 
I have no problem nor make wrong on drama. It’s a part of being human. I’ve also become aware that I have an addiction to it. There are two parts to this addiction for me. One is absolute terror driven. Lately I’ve become aware of just how much fear drives my life. The stories of fear and paranoia that create drama. The other has been entertainment driven, what I’ve looked on for fun and ‘entertainment’. So I have started to look at this with wonder and inquiry.
 
Drama addiction takes me out of presence. Leaves me disconnected from listening to my body. Of listening from my heart. My drama addiction is what takes me out of action as well. Leaves me ruminating for lengthy times, which isn’t wrong either, I’ve just been looking at what it is costing me. The inability to be present in life and with those I love and interact with. Walking around as if in a haze in parts of my life. Over filling my schedule to avoid my feelings. Shutting down of my full self expression. Vicious interactions from my end. Highly reactionary anger all the time to the point that’s been seen as a trait of mine. Leaving things until the last minute so I am perpetually stressed out.
 
I’ve had it that my drama addiction was my full self-expression. I’m looking at it now and for me, as I can only speak for myself, it isn’t. It actually keeps me from fully expressing. Not that I won’t be dramatic, again, that’s human and I don’t resist it. It’s that my obsession with drama doesn’t work. Some part of me has looked at peace as ‘boring’ and I had to get honest with myself about that.
 
In cultivating inner peace as adventure and fun, I’m looking forward to savoring this. Asking myself what that really looks like in the realm of being human. For me this is letting go of control. Which has seemed counterintuitive. To me I had related to peace as some form of control. Which is very interesting. I feel like my life the underlying fuel has been drama addicting since I can remember. I ask myself if I can really have fun if the fuel shifts, I believe so. I’d like to see so. I believe that is called mindfulness.
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