Bigger than my frustration
I am frustrated. I’m a single parent that has to pull rabbits out of thin air every day to make my life work. Every. Single. Day. I am exhausted. All I can do is realize that I’m bigger than my internal state, my circumstances, my internal dialogue that says it feels like I have to fight daily for my freedom to live the life I want. I know my stand in this world and the conversation I am supporting and what I stand for here in this existence is just bigger than all of that. Bigger than my internal dialogue, my old ways of being, my addictions, my moments of self reproach. My stories and illusions feel so real at times that my voice gets choked in my throat and I stop using it. All I can do is keep being tender with me, even in moments of self reproach see that as a part of me too that is just asking for my love.
I feel myself shut down repeatedly with questioning, is this the right thing to say? Am I being authentic? Is this true, real, my authentic voice?
I let go of the questioning and just write. Even if it’s not perfect, so what? I don’t need to be perfect. Even if it’s not enlightened or soul touching. So what? I need to write. And every day I write this is how I touch God in me. Maybe it doesn’t reflect it. Maybe it seems like a whole lot of self absorbed writing.
To me this is how I touch God in me is with daily writing. I’m letting go of any self judgment that it has to look a certain way, that it has to be illuminating or perfect. I don’t care anymore. I just need to write. These self judgments I shut myself down with leave me from feeling fully self expressed.
I don’t write for praise, I don’t write to be liked, I write because it is my art. It is my passion. Just like an artist starts maybe with connect the dots, then fill in the numbers, finger painting, to oil painting and so on. This is how I touch mastery I realized. Not by shutting up until my words are perfect and my expression gallant. But by writing every day.
This is my art. I don’t need my art to be perfect or understood or received or even appreciated. I need to make it because it is a part of my soul. When I don’t write it’s like a part of me is dead. And so write I will.