Day 69 of 100 Days of Loving Men

Let go of looking for something to go wrong

If you’re looking for something ‘wrong’, you will always find it. There is a tool that gets people through abuse and that is looking for the ‘signs’ of something bad is about to happen. Many children have lived through abuse and because of this many adults still hold onto these survival tools and carry them into their relationships as adults.

As a child/teen these tools supported survival through times at the mercy of adults where there was no other way to get through things. However, now, to continue to hold on to such tools would just be dysfunctional.

Example:

Jane grew up in an abusive household. She created tools to read peoples faces to know when she needed to get out of the path of her parents so she could minimize being verbally/physically abused. Now, as an adult, she’s taken this survival and placed it into her relating. This panic she carries around with her creates stories of fear in her otherwise healthy relationships. Jane continues to live in fear that something will go wrong and therefore she creates something going wrong. With her fear she begins to make up stories as to why her boyfriend Jake is late for dinner, she stops listening to what he says and the stories she makes up become more powerful then trusting what her boyfriend is saying as true. Jane is in a dysfunctional loop based on survival.

How would she get out of this loop and drop the dysfunction? Love, trust, awareness and ownership.

First and foremost, love and trust. She loves Jake and if she truly loves him, she must trust him. Those two are the basis for moving past any dysfunctional loops that come forward- love and trust. How does she know she’s in a dysfunctional loop? Panic and fear. If she’s in fear and she starts to have thoughts that feed those fears, she’s stepped out of love and trust.

This is where awareness and ownership come in. To be aware of when the dysfunction shows up Jane must practice being very present. When Jane feels fear she must not avoid it but be with it. Once she has the awareness that she is in fear and panic this will help Jane recognize she has left love and trust. Remember, love and trust are the basis of healthy relating so if thoughts come in that are not supportive of either, that is the dysfunctional loop of thoughts that is trying to pop up and sabotage. Survival tools of the past have no place in relationships. Survival tools will encourage fight or flight or both. Remembering love and trust will support relationships to flourish. Survival tools that have outlived their time will crash and burn relationships. So remember, love and trust.

Now that Jane is aware, it’s time to take ownership.

In order to really heal this dysfunction, Jane must see Jake’s innocence and keep him fully out of this process and do the self work to be healthy. She can let Jake know about the process such as ‘I am working on completing with a dysfunctional part of me so I’m going to be approaching you in healthy ways from here on’ so that Jake can be aware and also learn self care to take space from Jane when she’s being unhealthy.

Here’s the thing if Jane does tell Jake, she must be very self aware and recognize that when Jake is in self care she needs to take ownership and back off, leave him be, go to another area and be STILL with her thoughts instead of take it to Jake.

This is not an easy process, but if Jane wants to be healthy and have healthy relationships with men and with anyone, including herself, it is vital to complete with dysfunctional survival tools that have no place in the now of being healthy.

Jane must stay committed to seeing Jake’s innocence and keep him out of the process. Keep a commitment to only approaching Jake when she is in a healthy state of mind. This with practice will get smoother. This means taking FULL ownership of communication upsets. Jane knows that she is moving through dysfunctional behavior, so if there is a communication upset or feelings of being ‘misunderstood’ Jane must own that she is the root.

Now, Jane will absolutely want to rebel against ownership, but to rebel against ownership only protects her dysfunction. I tell you now, the only way to heal dysfunctional behavior is with 100% ownership. It is the ONLY way. Otherwise, the dysfunctional behavior will try to find a loophole to survive. It’s quite a nasty thing dysfunction and because it is rooted in past survival it will want to stay in existence and to let go of it will feel like death and will be terrifying. I promise, if you stick with it, the other side of it is freedom and healthy relating and communicating. I promise, and it’s going to take work. So, recognize, the feeling of rebelling is only the dysfunction trying to be ‘right’ about being dysfunctional.

So, lets get to it.

Guidelines to kicking the dysfunctional loop of always looking for something to go wrong:

1. In communication, he is always innocent. To really kick the dysfunction there must be no out for it, no loophole for the dysfunction to sneak through. That means FULL ownership in communication. To get through this it means to fully take on where the dysfunction may be hiding and it is hiding, guaranteed. No place to hide, means it must be faced so remember, he is ALWAYS innocent.

2. If feeling a deep rage, fear or intense pain come up when he says or does something and feel justified to verbally attack [don’t hit EVER, please seek professional help if hitting is an issue, that is never OK to put hands on someone to hurt] DO NOT DO IT! If acting out of intense emotion, ESPECIALLY if it shows up as this instant flame because of what he said/did or more accurately how the dysfunction interpreted what he said/did, chances are, this is the dysfunctional loop showing up to induce fight/flight.

3. SLOW DOWN. This is VITAL. Instead of coming to the one you love with these intense emotional justifications lead by dysfunctional loop of thoughts, slow down. There may be chaos going on in your head and that is NOT the time to talk to him. Excuse yourself, let him know there is something that needs to be sorted out, it’s not personal to him and you want to be healthy with him so you need to take a moment. It’s vital to communicate with him why you are stepping away so he does not feel hurt by your stepping away. This is all self care and caring for your relationship with him at the same time. It’s beautiful to take a break and step away and it shows him too that he’s important and loved and will be kept safe from said dysfunction. It honors his need for safety and love in his relationship with you and his needs are beautiful.

4. Now that you’re somewhere being slow, those thoughts may still be racing. The surface thoughts will be aimed at him. However, it’s important to remember- it’s not about him, the dysfunction is trying to survive and wants to attack. The dysfunction keeps the person feeling always like they are backed into a corner and fighting to live. It feels victimized and therefore is the most vicious predator. Do not take this predator to the one you love.

Start to ask yourself, why are these feelings coming up? This person loves you, what is REALLY going on? This can be a tough part so make sure you’re comfortable and ask to be supported by a higher power God, Archangels or someone you love who has passed or an icon who’s tranquility you look up to i.e the Dali Lama, etc or for the secular, ask for love to support you through this. It’s good to have something big to hold you through this because it may get pretty intense to face the past that is surging reactions in the present.

5. Now, you’re ready to start. If he peeks in concerned lovingly tell him you’re OK and that you need a minute to get through some things from your past so you don’t bring it to him and that you need some time alone to do this but when you’re done you’ll come to him. Let him know you love him so that he is very clear this is not about him, because it isn’t.

Set an intention to complete with this dysfunctional tool that was once for survival but is long past it’s use. Thank it for being present through times where abuse was present and that you’re now ready to let it go, peacefully, with gratitude and love. Stay present with whatever emotions are here and then just let it take you to a time where you felt the same way. If at anytime this does get too intense you can take a break and come back when you’re ready. Or seek support from your friends when doing this. It’s really important to find ways of supporting yourself through this that does not involve your loved one. This is not for him to take on. To him, you come to him with love and trust. The rest you work on yourself and if needed get support that does not involve him.

6. Feel the emotions that come present during re-visiting painful past. If rage, take it out on the pillow. Make sure the anger is released on a soft surface such as a pillow or bed so that you’re not hurt in this process either. Tears may come up, be gentle and slow. Fear may come up, let your body shake or sometimes fear is paralyzing, let it be. Again, if at anytime it is too intense, gently come out of it and call a friend for support through this.

Fear is where the dysfunction likes to play trickster. It will make up stories of things that have never happened to latch onto the fear that comes up for you and push the fear to stay. It will say ‘what if he…’ and when that shows up, you can know for certain and with confidence, that is the dysfunction speaking and fueling fear.

When dealing with fear best thing to do is to let go of the thoughts and be present in your body. That means telling yourself those dysfunctional stories, are just that, nonsense and all that’s happening is that you are afraid right now. So just feel it in your body, let go of the thoughts and feel. Where is it showing up? In your stomach? Does it make you shake? If it does, shake with it! Shake your body to keep the fear moving through and not getting stuck in your body. Just let fear exist without judgment. It’s an emotion like any other and must be felt.

Here’s what can really be happening. Your body may feel a lot of energy because it feels before your mind knows that big changes are happening in you. You’re ready to be healthy and that can feel scary at first! I know, it may be counterintuitive, why should being healthy feel scary? It’s because living in dysfunction survival mode has become norm. The dysfunction knows it’s dying off and wants to survive. Old habits of ways to hide are not longer serving, that means, no more hiding! It means coming forward in true nature of being love, which is the true nature of humans- love. Did you just read that and say ‘ yeah right?’ haha well, congratulations! You just got a piece of awareness of the dysfunction trying to survive.

Sometimes the fear your body feels is excitement! The shift feels scary at first and then will shift into excitement. Fear and excitement are flip sides of each other and can easily be interchanged. That fear, that jitteryness in the process, will then shift from fear to excitement! You may have some nervous/excited giggles that come up and you may find the back and forth from fear to excitement happen before it settles into excitement. It’s beautiful and perfect, let it be. Giggle, squeal, laugh, whatever comes up. You may even find yourself running in place or around the room going ‘ahhhhh!’ and laughing. Moving between fear and excitement, just let it be. Your mind may say ‘this is nuts’, nah, it’s just new and that’s fine. What’s ‘nuts’ is repeating dysfunctional behavior and expecting healthy results. So, express what’s present, that’s healthy.

7. The aha!

There will be a moment where it clicks. Where you see the behavior of your present and connect it with the survival tool that was used in the past. There will be a moment where you have this ‘oh my god!’ moment where it all makes sense and this will feel like a big clearing inside of you. You will feel elevated and may even laugh. It may be followed by a panic of awareness of just how dysfunctional the behavior/reaction just was with your loved one. Be with the elation, be with ownership, be in self love. Be gentle with yourself through this and be careful not to slip into self loathing.

Loath the dysfunctional behavior, not yourself. Stay with that aha moment for awhile. You will want to burst out of the door the moment the ‘aha’ moment shows up, do not. I know there will be the feeling of ‘oh my god, I need to apologize to him RIGHT NOW!’ and that’s great and you’ll honor that in a minute, but it’s VITAL to let this ‘aha’ moment sink in so it will leave a lasting impression and this is the moment where a part of the dysfunction is leaving, clearing out. Savor it, savor the knowledge and awareness. It may bring tears of recognition, this is recognition of the love within you that is clearing away what needs to leave, the ‘aha’ is a fresh lightning bolt of love clearing what’s old and no longer serving away.

In gratitude thank what is leaving for serving you in the past and thank love for showing up to clear way for a healthy you.

8. OK, now you can go to him. This is a time to apologize AND honor where he is. He may not be in this place of elation or he may. It’s time to remember to honor his self care. He may need to take time to process what happened depending on what exactly did occur. If he needs time for himself, you need to honor that, if you love him, you will honor his needs. Do NOT invade his privacy if he needs time. That is his boundary. Honor it. Take this time to self reflect on ways that you will not approach him this way. It is your responsibility to keep him safe from whatever process is going on for you that may hurt him.

9. In self reflect, look forward as to how to shift this dynamic. This dynamic is often linked with not seeing your partners innocence. So how to move forward now that there is awareness and ownership? It goes back to what I shared in the beginning:

Love and trust.

This means also loving yourself, trusting yourself as well as loving him and trusting him. Self trust empowers self work. Trusting self to do the work to be healthy. Loving self empowers self nurturing. During times of letting go of old habits that no longer serve a purpose and worse that are harmful, it can be intense. Find ways of self nurturing such as getting plenty of sleep, staying hydrated, finding healthy ways to replace old ways of ‘coping’ aka dysfunctional stuffing. Instead of over eating or getting wasted, try decaf teas or exercise. Exercise is a beautiful part of self love and it’s a self investment, starting off light and getting into a routine also helps self esteem and supports mental/physical health.

10. Replace unhealthy ‘seeking’ with healthy ‘seeking’

This is a good stepping stone to trick the dysfunctional behavior into leaving as well. Not a shortcut, the above still needs to be done, it’s just the brain will be still in the habit of needing to ‘look’ for something.

So, if you’re going to ‘seek’, seek what nurtures you!

How can one quest be replaced with a healthier one? Easy!! You can do it right now! Try this if you will:

A) Make a list of all the things you enjoy to do, your hobbies. Perhaps old hobbies you gave up on, OR new hobbies you’ve always wanted to try OR browse hobbies you’ve never thought of trying! Then pick one and start a project. A small one for starters so you can see and feel the fulfillment of follow through. This will support your follow through of self work as well.

B) New healthy habits of communication. Where is your communication creating confusion? Look into communications where you feel ‘misunderstood’ own that it’s never the person you’re talking to, it’s your own communication. Oh, I know that takes work and that is a tough one to face! I’m working on that one myself! But oh is it rewarding when I find how I can be more clear and then see it really does work! Ownership is NOT easy but oh is it worth it! Promise!

11. Stop looking, start savoring your life!

There will be times to ‘seek’ and replace old seeking with new healthy seeking, this is great, helpful AND now it’s time to relax.

Seeking has it’s place but can become all consuming if not balanced. It’s important to let everything go and be.

Being and just drinking in life, the beauty of it, the sensuality of each moment. Being in silence and looking around in gratitude and in a space of love is so very nurturing and vital to healthy being.

Healthy being, is being! It can be easy to forget to get out of the brain and into the body. When we’re in our body we can just be. This is when we feel contentment, not in the mind, but in the body. When you feel that ‘mmmm this feels good’ that’s the body talking. In the body is where the remembering is that we are all connected. That every moment can truly be savored. In the body is where the love is, the mind can express it and the body lives it. To savor, be in your body, feel your body and drink in life and love. That’s where the ‘yummm’ feeling comes in. With that basis, you can radiate the ‘yumm’ and savor yourself and your partner.

Stretching is a great way to connect with your body and the ‘yumm’ inside of each part of your body. On the bed comfortably stretching like stretching out of a delicious sleep feeling how wonderful that feels. And then soaking it in, savoring it as you rest for a few minutes or a few hours. You can take this feeling with you everywhere. May even find your eyes soft and half open in bliss. Everything will just feel delicious. Very yum.

These are the tools to complete with the dysfunctional loop.

Much love to you on this journey of having a healthy relationship with the man who has honored you by entering your life.

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