Day 66 of 100 days of Loving Men

Receive the gift of the Ex’s

I know there are people who have had abusive relationships, I’m not saying to embrace abuse as a gift, no one deserves that. And there are those who are in therapy working through the scars left behind. I understand that, would never invalidate the emotions the come with this, pain, rage, fear. Nor do I invalidate the stories that come up, shame, guilt, unworthy, etc. What I’m saying is, it’s time to be free and it’s time to free them.

This was a long personal road for me that is a very recent freedom I’m experiencing. I realized that I still held on to old victim stories from past relationships and would retell and relive the story many years later. Nothing wrong with that, it’s good to express and really, many who retell their story support others healing. It all comes down to intention.

Those who have been abused who use their past to support others in healing and to support awareness, I hear that, I get it and I support it. We as people need each other and awareness is key to supporting and to people realizing, no one is alone. It’s important the awareness is share with the actual intention to support awareness, and the support is to really support others feeling free. And when this is the case, as the speaking continues the person becomes aware of how free they are and how light their lives can be. In doing so they also free others.

I recognized my co-creation in my past romantic relationships with both men and women. That in what may have been painful relationships or ended at times painfully, were actually supporting my growth. Nor was it conscious, there were actions that I did not enjoy as there were many experiences with them that brought me to bliss and wonder.

I became aware I was metaphorically- of course – dragging my exes behind me in a net. Dragging them everywhere and when I felt particularly bitter taking one out, parading them around for a public flogging, then placing them back in with all the self righteousness I could muster. I felt justified in my anger and pain, and therefore re-created myself being right about how wrong they were.

What did this serve? I gave myself an unconscious prison sentence. I wasn’t aware of just how heavy I let my ex’s be. I did not speak of my past with intentions to support anyone or anything. All I was doing was swimming in self punishment. What was happening deeper, there was a feeling of having done something wrong to deserve it. As I paraded them around for a flogging, I flogged myself as well for not ‘knowing better’. And this double punishment served no one.

All of this I was not aware of until I saw it reflected back to me in someone else’s process.

Then I got it. I got just how long I myself had been holding onto my net of ex, just how heavy that net had become. I saw that I had began to use my net of ex as a security blanket of sorts. A justification for a pain addiction. There was a growth stunt that I was not aware of existing within me. I’m not typing this from a space of self flagellation, god no the point is this is moving away from self punishment, I’m typing this from a place of self awareness. I saw myself, dragging this big net, hurting myself, dragging my ex’s across the ground. I saw it, and I let go.

I stepped into the gratitude of my life. God, I love my life, it really is wonderful, I’m very blessed in every way abundance, love, and more love. I recognized every experience that I co-created, even the most messy ones, were all beautiful for where I am now. Each has supported me. I didn’t co-create them because there was something wrong with me, I co-created them in my unique way of learning.

Each experience I co-created as only I could and as perfect to every place I was. As I learned and practiced self love I became a greater stand for creating gentle love in my life and fierce heart fire of the love that is a stand for me that shows up in my loved ones saying ‘I see you’. This challenges me to lay down the stories that hurt me, lay down the sword when it’s untimely, create what nurtures me, give myself the love and support to see me too.

As I let go of the net I started to remember all of the good times with ex’s all of the ‘bad’ times with ex’s and recognized, both supported me in my growth in who I am today. We co-created the relationship. I had a way I needed them to show up to support my growth, my path, my stand for loving myself so that I expect being loved, seen, received fully and I can give the same. I had to experience this co-creation with my ex’s so that I, in my unique way, could recognize I was always free and supported. Where I imagined was a cage, was an atrium.

I was always free and supported.

With this release, with this realization I felt embraced by my past relationships. I felt the love that was there in the co-creation, the support as they showed up how they uniquely needed to show up, how I uniquely asked them to show up to support my growth, self love and my path. I see the gift of who they all were in their being and I am grateful.

I’m finally free, as I always was, and I have always been supported.

This experience is available and I am a stand for those who wish to feel this completion, remembering of freedom. I now can see and experience my ex’s for the gift that they were. I am in bliss. Amorous with life and supremely grateful for the loved ones who are in my life and the amazing of who they are in being. Grateful for their gentle and their heart fire in seeing me that ever guides my remembering of who I am.

I see you.

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