Making a mess is not the issue. I’m not going to live my life with the fragility of wishing to not make a mess. To me that’s not living nor is it loving myself. It’s the clean up and being self responsible that makes a difference for me.
I’d rather be uncomfortable and clean things up than be right to substantiate my fears of making a mess.
Sticking to being right in the face of recognizing when I have indeed made a mess and there is something for me to own, will actually gratify my fear and solidify my fears of messing up or making messes. In that I will restrict my life and action rather than choosing courage to live and experience life itself!
I’m hear to mess up.
And I’m here to get uncomfortably responsible and clean up the messes I make. To me this is the very essence of being alive and learning. Cleaning up to me is self care and freedom. The mess is sacred and how I unravel the human threads ‘to’ God connect. The clean up is sacred as it is how I remember the Divinity of humility.
From my experience, and what I’m learning, is that my emotions are not something for me to ride on. If I expect my emotions to hold me up, I will fall flat on my face. I fall flat on my face anyway as sometimes I just want to go for a ride, and I’m finding something out. If I expect my emotions to sustain me in action, they cannot. They do not have the substance to do so. I believe riding an emotion can help for short sprints, particularly anger, but only for short sprints and only in survival moments which in this day and age are not so prevalent here.
To me when I expect emotions to carry my weight and then find they indeed cannot, the disillusionment pushes me to addiction. I’m talking about all emotion, anger, sadness/pain, fear and yes, happiness. Food, sugar, etc and at one-time alcohol. How dare my emotions not take me where I want? Well, it’ snot their responsibility, it’s mine. Emotions, for me, are a calling. They are calling me to pay attention to a need. Calling me to hold them, love them, feel them and self-care. Get into my self-love ICU if I need to and then from that space, transmute into choosing an action based on the need I am being called to face.
This doesn’t mean I do not feel my emotions, I feel them deeply that is my reverence to myself. Nor does it mean I’m shaming happiness, I enjoy my happiness very much. What I am saying is the action, the sustainable action, comes from a deep place within myself that I do not have a name for yet. I can only say that it feels like this deep unwavering knowing. The space within me that is me. An unquestioning certainty. From that place when I am in action, I do not fall flat on my face. I’m actually impervious to anything outside of what supports my action. There is a clarity not based on emotion, but an unshakeable knowing. To me my emotions call me to care for them, myself and to return to this space and take the action(s) needed to stand in what needs to be done.
Photo Copyright Max Nepstad
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It’s very interesting to challenge my very perceptions as I continue to thrive. Shedding the habits of survival to take on the garments of thriving means second-guessing what I’ve found comfortable and what I have even defended as ‘nurturing’. I have deceived myself in survival mode to interpret limiting beliefs as ‘nurturing’ as for that time period those habits were ‘safe’. And survival is about perceived safety. However, as I thrive I see defending that which keeps me small is no longer a fit. I am grateful for survival mode bringing me this far and keeping me safe in its own way, and now I challenge my perception. I find myself seeing that what truly nurtures me, challenges me. Challenges me to trust myself, challenges me to believe in myself, challenges me to expand beyond my fears and perceived limits. This challenge to me is married with creativity.
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