A Voice Silenced

The whole reason I’ve been sharing the raw honest pain of the impact of the sex industry is because a friend of mine has had to shut down her voice to stay safe. I wanted to find a way to give her voice in sharing my experience but I didn’t share why I have opened to share like this and so I missed acknowledging the source for all of this conversation and the inspiration for everyone taking a moment to take an honest look at themselves, myself included. She is the reason I have been speaking up. Knowing her pain I had to look and speak up so people will see, the porn industry is not harmless ‘entertainment’. Her powerful voice that spoke up about the raw brutal impact of the sex industry now has to stay hidden because of the sex industry. Think about that.

I know the path of porn addiction does not end with the addict. It rips into the lives of all those involved and the families of those involved too. The reach goes beyond immediate circle and leaves repercussions in society. Porn addiction feeds the sex industry which in turn rips apart people’s lives. There is a deep and painful impact to porn and I guarantee someone close to you is silently suffering.

My friend’s voice on what she has to say about this:

“Pornography use is a life-damaging habit that affects not only the user but also the user’s family and friends. There are many good reasons to take a considerate look at its effects. For example, pornography has been proven to cause or contribute to the following:

Decreased sensitivity toward sexual partners.

Decreased sensitivity and increased tolerance of sexually graphic material.

Increased exposer to incorrect information about human sexuality.

Increased issues in developing unhealthy views about intimacy.

Increase in aggressive or violent in sexual practices.

Increased in sexual abusive toward others.

Increased rise in damaging self behavior.

In addition to the research-based consequences listed above, pornography use may cause feelings of guilt, inadequacy, and shame. It will keep one from living a spiritual life and will interfere self care and healthy practices. It is a saboteur of hopes, dreams, and aspirations. It takes us out of our sacred temples and creates addictive sexual behavior that effects the same part of our brains as opioid abuse.

The subtle touch of a breeze, the hold of a hand.

A love for and with all things precious and innocent being felt by and cared for our sacred inner temples. That is where I am existing free of an industry that has destroyed countless relationships in my life. I am sticking with the trees and the wind. Thank you to everyone who has been a loving friend and has been a part of me just being me.



Here’s An Illusion Breaker: No One Needs Porn.

I have first hand seen effects of the lie being pushed onto men that they need the sex industry/porn, I have lived it I have had the tears on my chest from it. I have worked with male sex workers, clientele, I have absolutely listened to the male perspective, the men that have had their lives destroyed and are not given voice.

I have seen the effects of women being told the sex industry/porn is ’empowering’. I have seen the broken bodies, the pain, the regret. I have seen the desire to self express be harnessed for the sex industry machine. I have listened to and lived the female perspective.

Here’s an illusion breaker: No one needs porn. Biggest lie that feeds the sex industry is that the sex industry is necessary. It is not. And that statement will be confronting until the conversation of being with, exploring, knowing self becomes more exciting than the avoidance addiction of the sex industry/porn.


Free From The Painful Addiction

The human form is beautiful, the nude body is simply a body nude. To me we are Art simply in being. In my experience seeking the sex industry and pornography distorts this. It puts a hamper on the possibility of experiencing the beauty of the body and self. The lie is the sex industry is ‘freedom’ when it is instead a flashy form of repression, restrictive and supports the cycling of devastating addiction and violence.

I am glad to be free of it’s hold and my painful addiction to it.


The Impact Of The Sex Industry Embraced As ‘Normal’

In conversations for simplicity I say ‘Yes, I was a sex worker’. Though it is not my identity. I have been and always will be: Kristal. No less, no more, just me. Not a fantasy, just me.

I could go on to explain why I was in the sex industry and at the end of the day, I have done that enough and it doesn’t matter. The ‘Why’ doesn’t matter so much anymore as that will always be interpreted in a myriad of ways. The reality is there is an impact. I had an impact on others and people feeding the sex industry and pornography machine had an impact on me.

When I didn’t make as much money because I felt bad about asking for lap dances in the club or for upcharging as an escort I took that on as I was broken, or the times I didn’t make money it was because I was ugly or I needed a boob job. I used the sex industry as a basis for what was ‘normal’ and I fell short. The shame was reflected back to me.

There is an impact when the sex industry is embraced as normality.


I Was A Sex Addict

I was a sex addict. And I live in a society that praised me for it, called me ’empowered’ for it, ‘powerful’ for it.Yet I would go home, spend my days in bed depressed not knowing why. And do it all over again. Sometimes I wouldn’t eat, just drink alcohol. When I speak about ‘sex addiction’ the term itself is objectified and I am met with people who get excited about the thought. Yes, sex addiction has become exciting for people. My suffering, my pain, my disconnect, someone¬†was using to get off on. Myself included.

It took me years to detox from the mentality and mannerisms of the sex industry and get honest with myself. I was violating my own body with my touch. It was like I wasn’t even touching myself I was enacting upon myself. It wasn’t tender self exploration or love, my own touch was violence. I would do it several times a day even if I hurt myself.

Sex addiction is not ‘sexy’ it is painful, I suffered.


Speaking Up About The Sex Industry

When I speak up about the impact of the sex industry/pornography I am most often met with defense. I will keep talking about it, however. I am not ‘anti-porn’ as to me that is the same conversation of ‘pro-porn’ because it feeds shame and shame is, after all, what keeps the sex industry alive.

There is a very real impact of perpetuated pain, addiction, and self loathing that the sex industry keeps alive. I know because I was a part of it. I both dealt and received pain and I had to numb myself with alcohol and lie to myself to stay in it.

There is a sort of despair that I notice comes up for people who actually can hear the impact of the sex industry/porn yet feel lost without it. I believe this is often the same despair that often fuels the defense of the industry. Which brings me great sadness. We are so used to the pacifier of the sex industry we have forgotten that we hold wisdom within. There is no wisdom in the sex industry. Everything I ‘learned’ there I could have found with meditation without the wounding.

The Bravado of Avoiding Self Responsibility In Our Conversations Of Men

In today’s video on my YouTube Show Celebrating The Love of Being, titled ‘The Unconsciousness of “I love men, as long as they…”‘ [See video below ] I briefly touch on the bravado of self avoidance. Avoiding self responsibility is not ’empowerment’ but rather the bravado of not being responsible. This is a conversation that is present across the gender line and in this conversation I will speak about the unconscious bravado aimed at men.

Unfortunately, I am seeing under the guise of ‘female empowerment’ the bravado of avoiding self responsibility in relating with and having conversations about men and self. It is not ‘female empowerment’ to not be responsible for my listening of men and respecting a man’s ‘No’. For I must be responsible for listening to my own needs. And if I recognize my needs are important, how could I shame men for sharing their needs are important?

It is not ‘female empowerment’ to use defensive bravado as a way to hide from the fact that I am not listening to a man’s voice and am in fact shaming men for speaking up about their needs. This experience is not only under the precise conversation of ‘female empowerment’ it is also in any avenue where bravado can be confused as a woman using her voice ‘powerfully’ when in fact shaming of men is happening.

The bravado that is the basis of shaming men and the conversations of denigration aimed at men is in fact self avoidance. It can be uncomfortable to listen and look when a man says, ‘No’ to how they are being approached, being represented, objectified, demanded of and manipulated. I recognize that often this can be unconscious these actions aimed at men and yet, it is up to me to look and listen when a man points them out to me. I understand that facing my unconsciousness with men and with anyone is very uncomfortable.

However, in a society that is very quick to dismiss the unconsciousness and denigrating conversations and actions aimed towards men while also confusing and conflating this abuse of men as ‘female empowerment’ or ‘a strong woman’ I must absolutely be vigilant lest I allow myself to excuse my unconsciousness towards men. In a society where my self avoidance bravado of shutting down my listening down towards men is celebrated by a sleeping society, it is my responsibility to keep checking my own awareness of this. In this society it is easy to get swept away in the drunken acceptance of praise for being reckless and harmful towards men, I did before in my own unconsciousness. And this is why it takes hard work to look and question this self avoidance bravado cloaked as ‘female empowerment’ or it’s ‘a strong woman’ who speaks abusively towards men or shuts down a man’s voice. That is not ’empowerment’ that is inferiority parading about pretending ‘superiority’. I am very clear I am inferior to no one and that is why I choose to not to pretend I am superior either. There are actual powerful, vital and even beautiful conversations being had that support women in society and this bravado is not a part of this. Anything that is actually based on being hurtful and dismissive towards men is a masquerade of the real conversations that are important for women. Shaming men is not ‘female empowerment’. I choose to not entertain that myth.

To me there is nothing ‘strong’ about shutting down the voice of another. Such a desire to me is Fear baffled by the confrontation of the call to self responsibility. What is missed, is self responsibility is another way to recognize myself as a powerful being. Not powerful in the sense of domination as that is not power, powerful in a sense of recognizing the beauty of my being and in this recognizing the beauty of the being before me and that we are both important, not just me.