Not succeeding at something I realized my habit is to make that wrong. Making wrong is fine too and being present with feeling the loss. Yet something is actually there where I once perceived simply a lack. When I do not succeed, or when I gave up where I could have moved forward, I am not left with simply a loss. I am left with an awareness. In my ‘lack’, in my ‘loss’, in my failures, I cultivate awareness.
I feel so naked without my art. So vulnerable and just here on my own. With just me. Just my being. I’m not doing something nor expressing something. My art is vulnerable and a deep expression of my heart and soul. Yet when the Muse has not poured its inspire across my shoulders, dripping deep into my limbs, does my soul not speak? Of course it does! It is this voice here that is calling me to listen. It is almost a whisper, nearly unnoticeable, this subtle call. Much different than the calls I am accustomed to, or that I’ve mostly paid attention to. Who am I without my art? Who am I in the spaces between creation? What is this which calls my attention? Is this simply the voice of my being? How can I forget that simply in being, I am creation. When the passion of activism and the surety of advocacy is slumbering in my heart, does my voice carry no meaning or purpose? Does it have to? When the dance is still in my limbs, do I need to fix this? Does my aliveness cease in stillness?
Who am I in the silence?
I face the identity consistently. Within myself and when I am faced with it externally. The identity exists to die and be reborn. When the identity is not allowed to take it’s course, like the Phoenix to burst into flames and be reborn from the ashes, it starts to corrupt, decompose and stink.
With how I have been faced here and the deep judgment on what I share, I am aware that many here are confronted by their perception of me and my stand. I welcome judgment and disagreement by those who are brave enough to actually follow through the experience, through the alchemy to understanding. To me absolute agreement is not required for understanding. Nor support.
I have always been one that has not been a coward when it comes to identity death and rebirth. That does not mean I have not resisted it, I do at times. However, I regularly race into the flames and dare the alchemy to burn away what isn’t.
I have had 7 years of intensive training with a teacher that was about cutting through illusions to seeing the heart of self. Then about 3 years of incredible work with accountable coaches with a clarity, integrity and stand for cutting through stories that stand in the way of the reality of the innate power, heart, community and difference one is.
I do not share this to create some illusion that I have ‘arrived’ as there is no place to arrive and life is ‘self-work’ until the final day. And really not just ‘work’ yet that is an integral piece for me in allowing the beauty of relaxing deeper into being. I do not share this to place myself above nor below anyone. I share this to share.
I am a warrior rooted deeply in my heart.
My stand is only for community, unity, relinquishing of illusion and the allowance of the death and rebirth of identity. I come purely from love, my heart and seeing something greater than me and small shadow tribal mindedness. There is nothing wrong with tribalism until there is. I face the identity beginning with me as that is always the origin is self.
When I speak to people here I come from a place of seeing each individual as powerful and greatness because to me that is truth.
I’m one of the few who runs towards danger not away. I face death threats, hatred more vile than I could have even imagined, told I should be raped and left in a guttter, told I should be lynched, told I am all things evil and vile- and why?
Because damn right I am an absolute threat to the identity.
I face the identity that wants to keep hatred and division in place and call that ‘comfort’. The identity that wants to pretend our differences make us ‘enemies’. I don’t think so. That is a lie. Our differences each have wisdom with the potential of creation in ways only possible in community.
I face hate daily in my conversations and I do so as I sing to the Phoenix-
It’s OK to die, you will be reborn with a splendor.
I am here in my heart and I see you.
Even as the external identity lashes out, I stand. Not against as is often misconstrued, I stand. In the hellfire, unwavering, because I believe in greatness of people and I will absorb no story that tries to pretend otherwise. I stand in the blue flames of hate unwavering not because I hate, I stand because I see past the story, I see a heart and I believe in that heart, I believe in community. I stand in tenderness and I stand in ferocity, as love is all of it.
So, feel free to judge me however you need. I’m not going anywhere. That is not a threat. That is a stand. And I just shared what that stand is.