The innocence of feeling.
Somewhere along the way a child learns by their parents what their relationship to feeling is. In a fully supportive home the child gets hurt and it’s a family even filled with love, empathy and kindness. Mother and father come to the child with tenderness, respond to the childs needs and when the child is sated mother and father return to business as usual. The child sees everything is fine and all has returned to normal. It is safe for the child to express it’s pain, it’s anger, it’s vulnerable feelings.
In most homes this is unfortunately not the case. The child is pushed back on receiving frustration for expressing themselves, or abused when they express their emotions. The child learns it is not safe to express emotions. Not in the least. Or finds certain emotions safer than others. The child learns how happiness may be the only acceptable emotion as it pleases their parents. Mother /father/guardians are gods to children. These are the big people who brought them life and watch over them.
When the child grows and is in the body of the adult still suffering these misconceptions brought to them by neglect and abuse the child decides no, emotions are not OK. Whatever emotion I am feeling must not be expressed. I am in the way or a problem for sharing my true emotions. It is not safe. My life is at risk. As this is what the child learned from their parents/guardians.
This is where I see inner parenting so healing. My own inner mother and father scooping up and creating safety, unraveling one tiny strand of programming at a time. This brings me to empathy for the little child in those of us that is replaying this old story of it’s not OK to feel. I see you little one.
Watching my inner child as it moves through the world I see a form of bonding it seeks. I find this is within me. Mother and father and child. This is my Trinity, as I am each within. I feel the energy of soil beneath my feet, rooting strong into the aliveness of Earth. Present to this deep self-nurturing and protector by self-Mother and self-Father I open to the freedom and connectedness, the remembering and play of inner child. Recalling that I am the bonding I seek, there is a stillness I feel that knows. A stillness that has always known and each time awaits patiently for my return.
This Trinity, this balance, harmony, centers peace within. Filled with nutrients of love, empathy and understanding of self, I am able to embrace my innocence and kiss it to breath. Savoring this truth, of bonding with the wholeness of my being, I feel the love, tenderness, reception and acceptance I seek flourish within. With this foundation the child in me is free to be in its wisdom, the pure wisdom only a child can hold, with the guidance, honoring and experience of the adult I am. A gentle joy tingles through my being. I am satisfied.
The sanctity of Destroyer has been lost in our time.
In order for the new to begin, the old must be destroyed.
Not through violence.
Destroyer is not violence, this is misperception.
Destruction is a cleansing of all that is not.
It is metaphorical blades slicing away what no longer serves.
Destroyer deconstructs identity to allow what is pure to be.
It is necessary.
It is wholeness.
It is in its very nature love.
It is often feared in our society as it shows up as fearsome to the identity.
It’s visage perceived as most frightening.
It is the deconstruction of the identity when not coupled with self care, self-love, self empathy and tenderness which retaliates into violence as it fights to survive. Violence to self, violence to others.
Violence is not destruction. Violence is the resistance to.
Fear of destruction is only the beginning, the threshold, it is not the being of it.
In surrender to destruction,
In welcoming the blades which cleanse what is not,
There is a welcoming of purity and innocence which calls in.
There is peace in being destroyed.
Morning everyone. I am self-publishing my first eBook titled ‘100 Days of Loving Men’.
This book begins to share a bit of my journey of healing my relationship with men and in this healing my relationship with self and re-entering community. I faced and face many personal blindspots I didn’t know I had about men and in this softened, opened my heart and found freedom.
It will be available for purchase on Amazon. Here is my FB page dedicated to this journey.
I have found much of my anger and resentment is rooted in avoiding forgiveness. Forgiveness of past anything. In allowance, I experience what forgiveness feels like in my body. I envision tall grass speckled with bright purple flowers. Not far to my left there is a house, it is simple and filled with the feeling of family, friendship, love, cozy. I see a warm wave of golden light rolling across the grass with a kaleidoscope of butterflies coming towards me and entering my heart.The butterflies are unexpected, I haven’t given them much thought in I can’t remember when.
Under canopy of kissing trees arms adorned with fruit, down the path of forgiveness, there is at the final stretch by the rolling waves, forgiveness of self. I unpack my final releasings a glass orb representative of what I used to use to harm myself. I expel it to be swallowed by the ocean. I will return here as needed. I sit looking at my embroidered shoes, enjoying the flow of my dress and robe pooling around me. I watch the sunset before I head back home. Fireflies kiss my path illuminating my steps.
This is my most beautiful gift to myself, self-forgiveness. It is only ever within me. I feel my pack empty and transformed, ready for the next trip.