Sexual Shame Parading as ‘Sexual Empowerment’

This is a topic that comes up for me frequently as it is a facade that irks me deeply. The lie that sexual shame, sexual addiction, is ‘sexual empowerment’. If there were no sexual shame, there would not be such a drive to be so disconnected and intoxicated during sexual activity. Again, as I said in my last article, alcohol is not the only way to disconnect.

Why would we feel the need to drink so heavily before becoming sexually intimate? For me there had to be sexual shame present for me to want to disconnect. I had to prove myself as someone ‘sexy’ because I felt so much shame about my sexuality instead of seeing sexy is something innate. However, I was not aware it was in fact sexual shame that was part of keeping my sexual addiction in place.

Being connected with my sexual energy, aware of it, conscious of it, present with it, allowed me to receive my sexual energy as simply a part of me. A beautiful part of my expression, my passion, my grounding my creativity. Not just relating to my sexuality during sex, rather relating to my sexualty as me and an important part of my life and expression . Rather than treat my sexual energy as something that needed to be repressed to the point I would disconnect from my sexual energy and pretend that was ‘sexual empowerment’, I have instead learned to love myself. I can now celebrate my sexuality as a beautiful part of my being, expression, art. I’ve learned to love my body, my being, my imperfections, my issues, my grace, my sorrows, my joys, my insecurities, my confidence. I’ve learned to love that even when I forget to love myself, I follow my own breadcrumbs of self care back to self love. I have learned to see myself as love and it doesn’t really need a title for me of ‘sexual empowerment’ it’s just all inclusive to me as self love.

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Consent, Boundaries, Self Violaton & Self Love

With all of the conversations being had now I believe we’ve become very aware that as a society we are massively lacking in clear boundaries. These are much needed topics to be coming to the forefront. One of the most epic and missing conversations is just how much we violate ourselves and put ourselves in positions where we are consistently violating our own boundaries and willing to tell ourselves that’s OK to do. This is not to be confused with actual rape which is very clear and criminal and must be treated as such. What we do not speak of is how many times we actually are violating ourselves.

What do I mean by self violation? If I am not slowing down to listen to my body, to listen to my needs, if I am getting myself wasted to disconnect from my self care and perpetuate abuse on my body, that is a self violation.  If I am over eating, or spending money that could be used to provide a safety net for myself, that is a self violation. If I am making myself unconscious sexually either with alcohol or by gaslighting myself to believe it’s ’empowering’ to throw myself swiftly into sexual situations without making sure it’s what I want, that’s a self violation. Again, not talking about actual rape, I’m speaking about sexual situations that I had placed myself in that I did not take the time to slow down to see if it was an authentic choice. At some point during all of this my body has said ‘No’ and I have either drowned that with an altering substance, or taught myself to not listen. That is not rape, that is a self violation. The confusion around this is creating issues and harm.

This is an unconscious action no one goes around saying ‘I think I’ll dismiss my own boundaries and violate myself today’. Having healthy boundaries is a product of self care and self love. Self love fuels the prioritizing of self care which fosters self respect and self worth to listen to my body and my needs. To slow down and not feed into the ‘sexual empowerment’ myth that filling some sort of imagined quota of partners will magically change my life for the better. To slow down and not feed into the self loathing inducing media that profits off of me feeling bad about myself and living in fear so I can buy that thing to magically make my life better. These things are a farce. It all comes back to taking the time to be with myself, explore my authentic needs, joys, sorrows and excitements. Taking the time to know myself not just copycat some story I’m told on what is the ‘sexually empowered’, ‘right’, ‘sexy’ way to be is based on patterns of who wants to sell what that season.

Consent is a very real and important conversation. Both women and men must slow down and recognize what is a healthy sexual situation. We all are aware that a violation of consent is rape, what we are not aware of is our own violations of our body requesting our consent. What I found missing in these conversations on seemingly grey areas is self responsibility. These grey areas would not exist if I slowed down and chose self care. Easy to go into victim mode because yes, I was victimized, however, I was victimized by me. That’s a very uncomfortable reality to be with. Again, not talking about being raped by someone, talking about the times I violated my own ‘No’ and did things anyway that I knew would not feel right later. The times I had unconsciously used men to violate my own body. There was no malicious intent there, I had no idea what I was doing and it was based off of trauma, I was also used to disconnecting with my body. However, the confusion coupled with feeling victimized but not knowing I was experiencng self violation, I would turn that on the men who had no idea this was going on internally -and how could they they were not wizards capable of mind reading- and consider them violator. Dangeorus mix. It was important for me to get conscious of my relationship with my self and take steps to heal the trauma I had experienced which fueled my many forms of body disconnect. What was missing for me to choose the tenderness towards myself that would interupt such a self abusive pattern? Self love. It always comes back to self love. Self care is a practice that unfortunately most of us are not used to in such an instant gratification addicted society. Slowing down and listening to our body speak our needs is vital and life saving. So much joy seeking and yet it is all already here in abundance, within. Just being present with my own being, with  my self, giving myself the love I am seeking, knowing I am the love I seek has made such a difference in my life. We give so much in attention and money- which is another form of giving one’s energy- to find things or experiences we’ve been told should make us ‘happy’ without slowing down to see if it’s authentic at all to our own unique needs. Slowing down is key, there is too much confusion I see right now and not enough slowing down and taking the time to find what is real, true, authentic and healthy for self.

We cannot be so surprised that the conversations have become so confused in society when we promote sexual addictions-a flashy form of sexual repression- and disconnecting from ourselves especially with alcohol and with other things too. Any thing can be used as either a form of disconnect or a way to connect. Disconnect is not all bad either, sometimes we do need to have some form of escapism movie time etc. However, anything in excess can of course have it’s downside. Moderation works, and nature is always willing to be available as a form of ‘escapism’ that offers a deep connection with self. Self connect is available at any moment just simply becoming conscious with the simplicity of breath. Breath is something that unites all of us. Doing the work to slow down, choose mindfulness which is presence with my body and listening to my body, has made a massive difference in my once co-dependent reliance on society to tell me what I need to do to be beautiful, sexy, and ‘happy’. I am the Joy and beauty I seek, no agreement required.

 

Thank You Dr. Martin Luther King, Jr.

To the man who is the reason I have human rights today. Thank you for your vision, your heart, your compassion and your sacrifice so that I can be free. My hero who inspires me to grow as a human being, who’s heart in the face of disagreement changed America forever. I would not be able to sit here and write this if it weren’t for this man. I would not be treated like an equal human being if it were not for his dedication to me, the future he did not get to see, though I’d like to think he’s watching from somewhere.
 
To the man who braved it all, to the people who braved dehumanization and violence simply for being born the ‘wrong’ color in the eyes of the masses. To those who were brutalized, violated, murdered simply for being born a beautiful brown.To those who dared support the black community and were not black themselves yet were treated as black for daring to have compassion for us and therefore too brutalized, violated or murdered. To the children who watched and grew up in these horrors who are now our elderly today. Who braved the times of segregation and ‘integration’.
 
To those who have suffered still as victims from the run off of the times before and during Dr. Martin Luther Kng Jr, you will not be forgotten. I take this day to be grateful to my hero Dr. Martin Luther King Jr, for daring to say no to the status quo. For daring to not comply with the ‘norm’ but instead question and break the hateful illusions that kept the dehumanization of the black community in place. He embraced all as he stood as a firm pillar for he black community and our freedom.
 
Thank you Dr. Martin Luther King Jr, it is because of you and your dream that I live free and recognized as a human being in my own country and the world.
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So, What Is White Privilege, Really?

To me white privilege a mindfulness conversation of the reality that in US [and other countries] the basis is the white community as the ‘norm’ so to speak. A person of ‘color’, though I am not fond of that term, is most often seen as nefarious as is the undercurrent conversation that white is ‘good’ the rest less. White privilege is a mindfulness conversation that the black community is still rising and facing the undercurrent deeply ingrained negative conversations and views of the black community that came from slave times into times of Jim Crow and the poverty of this and residuals in modern society. White privilege is a mindfulness conversation for us as a society to be aware of all of this and to be conscious of this instead of project blanket views of black people are lazy, evil, violent, nefarious and less than. It’s about dispelling misconceptions and hatred rather than fuel it.

Now this is what white privilege is not: It is not about ‘white people are evil’ or ‘the root of all violence throughout time’. It’s not about superiority/inferiority. It’s not about shaming white people, the whole point is pull shame out of black community not project more shame into the world. White privilege is not about white people hating themselves, no one should hate them self. It’s not about blaming generations of white people for being white. To me those conversations actually cloud the experience and voices of the black community, not highlight. When everyone is considered a NeoNazi, ‘Neo Nazi’ means nothing. I find such implicatons dangerous as it minimizes actual racial violence. To me the white privilege conversation is about all of us being mindful, it’s not an action, it’s simply a mindfulness. If action is inspired & authentic cool if not cool, it’s simply about awareness. If there is an action being requested, people hear requests that are not shame laden but rather fueled by inspiration and call to community and unity. However, to say there is a need for action  & shame those who do not, rather than support those who do, and to not lead by inspiration to me affects those who rely on their voices being heard the most. I would rather support the black community than hurt the black community.

Any conversation of white privilege that is fueled with hatred and division to me is not the conversation of white privilege but rather ‘white privilege’ being used as a banner to be hateful as any activism can be. The main conversation of white privilege right now I am seeing is fueling hatred and division and I cannot abide by that. To me the conversation of white privilege is about opening listening of the black experience in community and view point, as an expansion in human connection rather than restriction. It’s about awareness, mindfulness, understanding and inspiring human connection. My experience as an AfroLatina is different than a Caucasian in America and that is a fact. To deny that I would be bypassing reality. I also realized I do not need to use it to hurt myself- as I used to- rather I allow it to fuel my inspiration. Every experience in life is different, it just is, we are all different. I also know that what I am saying may never be understood. I no longer need it to be. I am not reliant on understanding to live a life of thriving.  As long as I am aware of the reality of white privilege and do not use it to fuel self loathing or resentment or division or a interpret it as a wall of self limitation, rather simply as an awareness and a practice of compassion.

What do I want to see? What conversations do I want to support in the Black/Latino community as well as all communities? Aliveness! Art! Celebration! Culture! Joy! Play! Love. How? All rooted from authenticity rather than panic to ‘achieve’ or ‘prove’ anything. To slow down and relax enough to allow my actions to be an extenstion of my self care rather than an avoidance of. To me it all comes back to self care, which is prioritized through self love. Celebration of life, celebration the beauty of life that I am a part of and belong to! Simply celebrating the love of being, loving myself is the greatest shift I seek. Self love is an all inclusive conversation. My root is human connection. I allow myself simply to be.

Everything I Seek Is Within Me Right Now, Simply In Being

There is so much to sexuality which for me is inclusive of spiritual connection. I don’t mean it in a restrictive way as is often perceived, rather for me it is relating to sexuality as sacred.
As in, seeing sexuality is beyond intercourse, it is in the very presence of the sun, the air, the grass, the water, it is life source present in the fibers of life itself. Sex is a beautiful sacred experience of sexuality and sexuality is not exclusive to sex. To me sexuality is the very source of life and breath, creativity.
I don’t have the perfect words to share this, what I do have is the knowledge of my body and so I speak. Not to advise, to share what is calling me to share.
I can no longer stay silent in the face of seeing sexuality as only sex, seeing sexuality and sex abused and applauded when used as self abuse or the massive facade and carrot of arriving at ‘sexual empowerment’. It’s just the biggest lie. I have nothing to fight, simply my experience to share.
Everything I seek is within me right now, simply in being.
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‘Prude’ and ‘Vanilla’

‘Prude’ and ‘Vanilla’-

I have heard the term ‘prude’ be used just as the term ‘whore’ is. For shaming a person who their relationship with sexuality is not agreeable to the person speaking. I’ve been called both. I’ll speak further on the term ‘prude’ being used as shaming.

If a person chooses to not engage with the sex industry via strip clubs, porn, etc they can at times be shamed by being called a ‘prude’ I know I’ve been called that. Here’s the truth behind ‘prude’ – it has nothing to do with me but rather the person confronted by my choice.

I finally have an authentic relationship with my sexuality & it does not look like how it did when I was a sex addict and I’m happy for that. That’s my personal experience and how it looks for me. Sexual empowerment, again, does not necessarily mean sex on overdrive. It means an authentic relationship with sexuality.

I don’t believe in the term ‘vanilla’ outside of BDSM. The BDSM community that’s how they speak to relate, however, it is not to be used as a shaming term, simply a distinction between BDSM community and those not involved.

When ‘vanilla’ is used outside of a distinction term in BDSM, I find it is often used as grotesque shaming. BDSM is not necessary for a full healthy sexual relationship except for those it is.

To shame those who do not use BDSM is counterproductive.To shame people for not choosing to relate in the way that is authentic for me moves nothing and in my experience just keeps cycling unconsciousness in these discussions on sexuality and any conversation.

To me, it’s about authenticity, not agreement.

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