The broken pedestal: Where gods sit

The other day as I was working on my book proposal which includes going back into my feminist days and remembering my thought process then. I’ve been writing my detailed experience of how I began researching for ‘Loving and Celebrating Men’ the book. This includes my meeting with Harry Crouch from National Coalition For Men and years later my finding of A Voice For Men [AVFM] both -and many other experiences- leading to my dropping feminism.

As I was writing, I was remembering my mindset when I was unaware of the human rights needs of men. I also remembered watching a video where a feminist came up to the microphone and Karen Straughan mentioned safe space for men. The woman said ‘everywhere is a safe space for men’.

How can someone say such a thing? How can people be so completely ignorant to men’s needs including men’s safety needs?

So, I started to think. What was my mindset back then? What was my thought process that I was so sure my ignorance was reality?

In my other writing I have mentioned before what I call ‘the broken pedestal’. It’s where I placed men. You see, I didn’t see men as human and I’m very clear feminsts do not either. My epiphany was why this was so. I saw men as gods and so do they.

There was such a deep disconnect of seeing men as human that they have been portrayed as unreachable gods that cannot be matched, gods that cannot know pain. Putting men on this pedestal where they are this almighty being that can’t possibly be a messy human. Broken pedestal as there is no grace for them. Even if they exhaust themselves to an ideal, to fit this god fantasy, they are chastized for aiming to do so.

I went through a time during my 20′s where when men showed up as human, I just could not handle it. I had created men as being incapable of being messy humans. How could these ‘almighty’ beings actually understand what it meant to be human? How was it possible? And how dare they actually not be perfect?

Now, I just wrote in ‘Day 67 of 100 Days of Advice on How to Treat Men Right’ to receive men as perfect. This is not the same as the perfection that I once demanded of men. What I’m talking about in Day 67 is seeing and receiving men as perfect in the now. If and when there are messy human moments, seeing those as perfect and beautiful too. Receiving men as perfect and letting go of judgment of men. That is how I see men as perfect now, receiving who they are authentically, who they wish to be, not who I wish to project men as.

I didn’t realize until looking back just how inferior I felt to men at that time in my life. And I get how I projected my inferiority as victim. I see how feminism FEEDS this. I’m not saying feminism created this, I had these feelings of uncertainty as most people do experiencing and learning in this world. Feminism did not create this in me, but it fed this. It fed my uncertainties and I can own that I let it. There wasn’t the ‘you’re a powerful woman and here is how you can feel safe within yourself and co-create healthy human community with men’ discussion happening, it wasn’t happening anywhere I knew. And it definitely wasn’t happening in feminism.

From chilldhood there are uncertainties, hell, throughout life there are. As children and teens there is a dependency on adults to support safety. I believe this is a vital time to encourage feelings of safety to carry on into adulthood. Early 20′s are usually a very big time for exploration and yes, more uncertainties. If there is a discussion happening especially in these ages supporting healthy human community, what a difference that would be.

But that is not yet the norm, the norm has been feminism these past several decades which has promoted the opposite of community. Feminism has not empowered women to feel equal to men but has empowered women to feel less than. Placed men in a view as if what men create is unattainable to women and women have no place in what is created in this world. Feminism pushes for women to be protected above men thereby telling men their safety is of no importance, leaving men to be treated as disposable. This also tells women that women have no power over their own safety leaving women feeling powerless and terrified. There is no surprise that there is such a disconnect between men and women when this is how each are being treated in society.

Feminism has systematically enforced the line between the genders and killed communication and understanding. Though, that is changing now with more people standing up to the gender segregation in our society.

My point is, feminism is an ideology that feeds female insecurities. It takes feeling inferior as a female to feel as if women are less than men. This inferiority then demands a fantasy of male supremacy. And here’s where it gets even more twisted:

So far we have the female inferiority story, which sees men as superior. Next we have the inability to receive men as humans who make messes, so when a man makes, a mess as any human will, he is seen as a disappointment and judged as a failure. There is no compassion for men in this, only disdain for not fulfilling their projected role as gods. This infuriates the female inferiority story which THEN creates the female supremacy story- ‘How dare he fail! I may be a mere meek female, but I could do it better. I am goddess! Bow before me!’

Following? The female inferiority story breeds the female supremacy story. What happens next is the martyr-goddess ‘I am a goddess, but I will show myself as meek and I will sacrifice who I am to bring enlightenment to men. Poor lost creatures.’

OK this is not a conscious happening…well, not for most though I have actually seen similar conversations happening between some deluded women who hide in so called spiritual communities and call themselves Life Coaches, Tantrikas, Dakini’s but really use such titles to hide their female supremacy. There are Life Coaches, Tantrikas and Dakinis who are not this way, and they take work to find as they are often shamed by those who buy into female supremacy. These women who actually hold true to their work as healers often face battles within the spiritual community as the supremacists try to shut their voices down. And you can imagine what is done to the male Life Coaches and Dakas who take a stand. Many risk losing their work as the ‘spiritual’ communities have been predominanty wrapped in with enforcement of the broken pedestal.

Now, back to the woman who said all places are safe places for men. She sees men as gods, untouchable and unable to have a human experience. Is this bizarre? Yes! And this is exactly what is being supported with feminism. I’ve seen it, I’ve lived it and I continue to see it.

The sad fact is, this is based on inferiority. Then, there are those who embrace the broken pedestal and struggle to be that demigod that he is  asked to be and will always fail to attain. The broken pedestal never allows proper footing for receiving praise. This self flagellating demigod wannabe will do anything to drag other men to such broken pedestals. By becoming enforcer of this broken way pushing it on other men, he believes this will bring him closer to demigod status. But, it’s all an illusion. An abusive one at that. It is incredibly sad that he has embraced this dysfunctional act of superior/inferior where there is no relief. Only a higher demand with each accomplishment, a higher broken pedestal where the ‘goddesses’ encircle hammering away daring him to fall, demanding him to stay.

I had this epiphany that feminism promotes men as gods and therefore craetes this inflated myth of women as ‘goddesses’ to counteract this self created lie that lies as the basis of feminism. This is all based on female inferiority, then inflated to female supremacy.

There is no receptivity of men as human beings in feminism. No receptivity of the beauty of men in the now. No awareness of the power of women to be responsible for their own safety, no acceptance of women’s power and freedom to be as they wish to be. There is no commtiment for healthy human community in which men and women co-create and peacefully co-exist. These things do not exist in feminism, there is no drive for this, no wish for this. In feminism the word equality has been misused to mask gender segregation.

I’m not inferior/superior to men. I do not fear men in their power as I am fully aware of my existence in my power. I am not threatened by men in their power as I see myself as powerful too. I see men as different than me, yes, and I love our differences. We each have our own unique wisdom and experiences that only we can know. Every individual has their own unique way of being.

The segregation of the genders does no good. In order to move forward into egalitarianism, men must be heard and seen. We cannot leap over listening to men and then believe egalitarianism is possible. It’s not possible without recognizing and creating support for men. There cannot be true egalitarianism without men seen as human beings deserving of human rights. If men are told to be quiet so to appease, there is no listening.

It’s a sad state we are in globally where men’s needs are being ignored because of the broken pedestal. It’s time for such illusions to end and men to be fully received. Men’s needs must be heard, it’s time all listen. If one finds it hard to listen, it’s time to do the self work and recognize there is no inferiority/superiority, these are illusions. We are all here on this very beautiful planet, Earth. We all share this place swimming in outerspace, we need each other. We do. Illusions of inferiority/superiority are not necessary, they serve no one. Instead, recognizing we are all different, but we are all human. And that is a pretty amazing thing to be.

Time to let go of insecurities and listen. Men are saying what they need, can you hear them? They are not gods they are people and all people deserve to be safe.

We rise, we rise togther.

Day 67 of 100 Days of Advice on How to Treat Men Right

Recognize that he is perfect.

People shy from the word perfect. It exists in awareness. And yes, he is perfect.

Perfection equates to flawlessness, yes, he is flawless. To look at him otherwise is to not see him. A flaw is a “defect, blemish, fault, imperfection, deficiency, weakness, inadequacy, shortcoming, limitation, failing…” etc.

He has none of these.

To look at him as if he is in-perfect is to be disconnected to love. When the mind starts to race into a million different ways the person must be different to appease, is to have left the love connection.

There is a difference between making requests and seeing him as flawed. Speaking from a reality of seeing him as less than only amounts to treating him as less than. Which is an easy way of avoiding self work. Making requests takes first checking in with self to see whether the requests are based on self love and love of him or, if they are based on a disconnect from love entirely.

For instance, if there has been an argument on who cleans the house. A request can come from ‘I’d like you to clean more’ which is really a pointing the finger at him and saying ‘you’re not doing enough’ or a request can honor that you are in partnership: ‘what can we do so that we can keep this house clean and both of us have our time honored’. The manner of the request makes a difference. In the first request it was seeing him as flawed and less than, in the second request it acknowledged him and his needs. There is nothing wrong with having direct requests such as ‘This is really painful for me. I need your support. If you could support me by xyz while I can get clear on what is present for me’. And it takes absolute self clarity to be able to know when such requests are authentic and when they are an attack. Practice and making messes will occur and that’s fine as long as there is a remembering of the love that connected the relationship to begin with.

Men having needs does not make them flawed.

Now, when I use the term perfect I do not express it as some impossible standard where interactions squeal kittens and rainbows and birds sing every hour of the day, no, that’s not human.

When I share to recognize that he is perfect, see him as beautiful and whole right now. I have heard women living in the future of ‘oh if he did this’ or ‘one day if he learns to be this’ then they would have this idealized version of what they have been told perfection is. That is not real. Perfection is right here, right now.

Seeing perfection doesn’t mean the person cannot make messes. Learning means making messes, cleaning them up and making more.

Recognizing he is perfect is loving him, right here, right now and fully receiving who he is and seeing who he is as beautiful.

Day 66 of 100 days of Advice on How to Treat Men Right

Receive the gift of the Ex’s

I know there are people who have had abusive relationships, I’m not saying to embrace abuse as a gift, no one deserves that. And there are those who are in therapy working through the scars left behind. I understand that, would never invalidate the emotions the come with this, pain, rage, fear. Nor do I invalidate the stories that come up, shame, guilt, unworthy, etc. What I’m saying is, it’s time to be free and it’s time to free them.

This was a long personal road for me that is a very recent freedom I’m experiencing. I realized that I still held on to old victim stories from past relationships and would retell and relive the story many years later. Nothing wrong with that, it’s good to express and really, many who retell their story support others healing. It all comes down to intention.

Those who have been abused who use their past to support others in healing and to support awareness, I hear that, I get it and I support it. We as people need each other and awareness is key to supporting and to people realizing, no one is alone. It’s important the awareness is share with the actual intention to support awareness, and the support is to really support others feeling free. And when this is the case, as the speaking continues the person becomes aware of how free they are and how light their lives can be. In doing so they also free others.

I recognized my co-creation in my past romantic relationships with both men and women. That in what may have been painful relationships or ended at times painfully, were actually supporting my growth. Nor was it conscious, there were actions that I did not enjoy as there were many experiences with them that brought me to bliss and wonder.

I became aware I was metaphorically- of course – dragging my exes behind me in a net. Dragging them everywhere and when I felt particularly bitter taking one out, parading them around for a public flogging, then placing them back in with all the self righteousness I could muster. I felt justified in my anger and pain, and therefore re-created myself being right about how wrong they were.

What did this serve? I gave myself an unconscious prison sentence. I wasn’t aware of just how heavy I let my ex’s be. I did not speak of my past with intentions to support anyone or anything. All I was doing was swimming in self punishment. What was happening deeper, there was a feeling of having done something wrong to deserve it. As I paraded them around for a flogging, I flogged myself as well for not ‘knowing better’. And this double punishment served no one.

All of this I was not aware of until I saw it reflected back to me in someone else’s process.

Then I got it. I got just how long I myself had been holding onto my net of ex, just how heavy that net had become. I saw that I had began to use my net of ex as a security blanket of sorts. A justification for a pain addiction. There was a growth stunt that I was not aware of existing within me. I’m not typing this from a space of self flagellation, god no the point is this is moving away from self punishment, I’m typing this from a place of self awareness. I saw myself, dragging this big net, hurting myself, dragging my ex’s across the ground. I saw it, and I let go.

I stepped into the gratitude of my life. God, I love my life, it really is wonderful, I’m very blessed in every way abundance, love, and more love. I recognized every experience that I co-created, even the most messy ones, were all beautiful for where I am now. Each has supported me. I didn’t co-create them because there was something wrong with me, I co-created them in my unique way of learning.

Each experience I co-created as only I could and as perfect to every place I was. As I learned and practiced self love I became a greater stand for creating gentle love in my life and fierce heart fire of the love that is a stand for me that shows up in my loved ones saying ‘I see you’. This challenges me to lay down the stories that hurt me, lay down the sword when it’s untimely, create what nurtures me, give myself the love and support to see me too.

As I let go of the net I started to remember all of the good times with ex’s all of the ‘bad’ times with ex’s and recognized, both supported me in my growth in who I am today. We co-created the relationship. I had a way I needed them to show up to support my growth, my path, my stand for loving myself so that I expect being loved, seen, received fully and I can give the same. I had to experience this co-creation with my ex’s so that I, in my unique way, could recognize I was always free and supported. Where I imagined was a cage, was an atrium.

I was always free and supported.

With this release, with this realization I felt embraced by my past relationships. I felt the love that was there in the co-creation, the support as they showed up how they uniquely needed to show up, how I uniquely asked them to show up to support my growth, self love and my path. I see the gift of who they all were in their being and I am grateful.

I’m finally free, as I always was, and I have always been supported.

This experience is available and I am a stand for those who wish to feel this completion, remembering of freedom. I now can see and experience my ex’s for the gift that they were. I am in bliss. Amorous with life and supremely grateful for the loved ones who are in my life and the amazing of who they are in being. Grateful for their gentle and their heart fire in seeing me that ever guides my remembering of who I am.

I see you.

Day 65 of 100 days of Advice on How to Treat Men Right

The importance of self nurturing as a stay at home mom [SAHM]

I recently read an article of a husband who said him and his wife argued for many years until he ‘realized’ his perpous was ‘servitude’. This was very difficult to read as this is not the truth. It seemed very clear that the man had given up on having his voice heard and instead just wanted to make his wife happy enough to stop the fighting. This included things like him stating while he was at a quiet office his wife was at home with the child(ren). This is isn’t the first time I’ve read such a thing and I could immediately tell these were not his words but those of his wife he adopted to be the good servant.

As most people know and the majority of SAHM already get, partnership does not equate to servitude of men.

The man continued by saying her needs must be put first. No. Both partners needs are equally important and this includes the wife understanding his needs. The husband said he is working very hard to leave the office at the office. Well, is she giving him time to do this? Time when he gets home to unwind and transition? This was one of the pieces of advice I shared in the 100 Days on giving him 1 hour when he came home to himself, to unwind and relax.

I in no way invalidate the intense work of SAHM. I have a few SAHM friends and the job of keeping the house in order, caring for the children during the day when partner is working and more is no joke, that is a very important and intense job.

When authentic there are very happy people in this agreement. When not authentic or when the wife has forgotten to take time to nurture herself and request, there are breakdowns.

In order to stay refreshed, SAHM must remember to be gentle with themselves and find time to nurture their needs. We are all responsible for being clear on what we need to de-stress. It is the responsibility of the individual to create what is needed to feel supported and fulfilled.

A few ways include time management, a day off, prioritizing sleep, hiring a house cleaner.

Time management: Time management is everything, a skill I’m exercising myself. Food prepping falls among this. Having a day where you prep for the week will save much stress. Instead of figuring out the meals from nowhere that very day, create a 2 week menu you can alternate. Feel free to start with a 1 week menu and then expand as you can. This will help you know what to shop for, how to organize it. Take that day- I choose Sunday’s – to season the meats and vegetables for the week and freeze them. Not every veggie can be frozen and some will only last a few days in the fridge so make sure to plan meals accordingly using the more perishable vegetables in the beginning of the week. Of course, this is not a law! You can feel free to shop and change up the menu if you suddenly get a desire to cook duck in the week, and having this set and ready basis will definitely help. More planning, less stress!

A day off: This is where the requesting comes in. Speak with your partner or family on how to arrange this. For some it may not be possible but bi-monthly, still make it happen! It’s very important you get a day to do absolutely nothing. As a SAHM this may seem like an alien notion and might even be a struggle to receive at first. The intense multi-tasking it takes to be a SAHM can become so automatic that stopping and doing nothing will take practice and at times downright work to receive. Meanwhile, while you put together having a day off, find moments where you can sit still or lay down for a few minutes if that’s all you have and just rest. Decaffinated teas can be soothing, a candle safely lit, or some soft music while the kids play can be great. The dishes CAN wait 20 mins while you sit. Stretching feels really great too. If you can get 10mins of Yoga in and that sounds like something you’d enjoy, make it so.

Prioritizing sleep: This is vital. Most people do not get enough sleep to begin with. Especially SAHM, this is absolutely necessary, the entire household depends on you being at rest. Again, if you have 20 mins, use it to sleep, not laundry or dishes. It’s not possible to do either when the body is dragging anyway. The anxiety of having to finish all the cleaning immediately will not get it done immediately. Finding a pace that the daily chores are completed and sleep is prioritized is a balancing act, yes, and very possible. Good to remember not every chore needs to be completed every single day. There is time for sleep when it is prioritized.

Hiring a house cleaner: This can support the more sleep. Though it is not necessarily whithin everyone’s budget. One way to get around this is bartering. Is there a favorite meal you can cook that comes with ease that you can barter a house cleaning or a few rooms being cleaned? Perhaps you can help that person in a way that is not stressful for you in exchange for the bathroom and kitchen cleaned or floors mopped? Bartering is not a lost art! It can be very friendly to a budget and very supportive to an exhausted SAHM.

I write this not because I believe SAHM are like the above mentioned wife who has moved into shaming and gaslighing her husband into servitude. I don’t see this in SAHM’s as a norm. I see the bitter SAHM as a reminder of the importance of self care and requesting.

Bitterness can come forward and if so it’s time to take that as a reminder that self care is lacking. The agreement in the relationship was created, hopefully, from authenticity. And if so and burnout is happening on both ends, it needs to be addressed. No, I’m not saying it’s all on the SAHM to figure out, however, when the agreement was made the husband trusted to rely on this as the wife trusted as well. If something has shifted, there can be the discussion if it’s authentic to continue being a SAHM or if there is an interest in the dad being a stay at home father SAHF. Or if the agreement is still completely valid and there needs to be self care and requests implemented.

Taking care of the household includes caring for self. Breakdowns will happen, that is a healthy part of life too even though it looks messy. It’s what we do through the break downs that creates the basis of how we move forward into what is most nurturing for all involved.

Marriage is not servitude, it is a partnership. There is a difference between being of service and being a servant. Being of service requires being of service to self first, feeling whole and complete and being able to give from the heart to self then others. This requires love only. Being a servant is martyrdom and requires completely negating self and leaving oneself empty and feeling a complete lack of worth. It’s important to know the difference.

The above scenario where husband feels he must be a servant in order to end the war at home is a very sad reality. That he must take on his needs are not a priority along side of his wife is abusive. Being a SAHM or a work at home mom [WAHM] can work for those it is authentic for when self care is a priority. Self care does not mean blaming the other partner, it requires full self responsibility.

Much love to the SAHM who absolutely understand what is being said here. What do you do for self care? And how would you advice the above mentioned SAHM who seems to be experiencing burn out and projecting this as abuse onto her husband?

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25 Domestically Abused Men Reveal Their Horrifying Stories

Originally posted on Thought Catalog:

Women can physically abuse men. The ones that take it fear retaliating because it will send them to jail. The US justice system isn’t too kind to men when it comes to domestic abuse. Men, if you think you are in an abusive relationship, please seek out help immediately. Same goes for women, too. Found on r/AskReddit.

1. “Dug her fingernails in” – a literal metaphor

My last ex was pretty controlling but I never guessed she would resort to violence when I tried to break up with her. I sat her down and explained to her that I didn’t want to be in the relationship anymore and when I tried to leave she dug her fingernails into my arm and wouldn’t let me go. I tried to remove her hand but she dug her fingernails in even harder. I pushed her off of me, at which point…

View original 10,495 more words


Day 64 of How to Treat Men Right

Find a healthy way to guide the inner destroyer.

We as women have a very dark destructive side to us. All humans do, I’m speaking to the women right now as this dark feminine is never spoken about and often shoved down in society.

Those in society who cannot acknowledge the destructive feminine, cannot see a woman in full. Instead they project an illusion of the fluffy feminine as if that is the only side of woman that exists. No. And to buy such illusion is to fear receiving the full being that is woman.
It’s important to be conscious of when the destroyer shows up. Destruction is a powerful force that isn’t bad or wrong in itself, it’s the application of destruction that is the catalyst for how we decide to create. How we guide our destruction, determines our lives. It is not easy and it is necessary.

Destroyer is beyond anger, it’s a core hellfire rage that needs direction. Healthy direction. It can support a strong stand ‘for’ new choices in life including self care choices. That deep fire rage that says ‘nope, not doing that anymore, time for a healthy creation’. This is really great, again, when the person is healthy and guides the destroyer to promote self responsibility.

Unhealthy destruction exists when a person is disconnected from self responsibility and in victim mode. The person guides the destroyer to then hurt someone or break something such as relationships, important jobs, supportive projects, etc. This can turn into abuse. Self abuse or abuse of partner. There is no power in hurting others, that is a weak and self loathing action. There is no power in hurting self, this keeps self love unseen and unacknowledged. Self love always exists, it is the acceptance and acknowledgment of self love that is a choice. We can choose to receive love or not, it is always there.

The unhealthy person uses destroyer to hurt and avoid love. The healthy person guides destroyer to complete with old habits that are not serving them anymore. They use destroyer to nurture themselves and to learn humility in learning new knowledge.

The female destroyer is intense and if harnessed with intent for growth, can clear up old habits that need to die. She’s a powerful force that is inspiring and makes way for powerful creations, when received as such.

However, if used for excuse to hurt, there is something deeper going on and I advise professional help. There is nothing wrong with feeling, feeling is important and there is nothing wrong with being conscious of hellfire. But if it seems too hard to not hurt oneself or others when this comes present, get support to step away from being abuser.

Destruction is a beautiful part of creation, but only with a healthy guide.

Day 63 of 100 Days of How to Treat Men Right

Get naked.

When you love someone you get naked not just your body, I’m talking soul. That means baring every part. The real and raw.

Some have misconstrued being raw with your partner to mean being a hellcat with no respect for boundaries and no care how their voice lands on their partner the whole ‘I’m just going to be me’ excuse. Well, those who are committed to spewing every thought at their partner with no regard to if what they are about to say is hurtful are just being abusive under the false story of being ‘raw’ or ‘real’. Such actions are actually neither real nor raw, they are
abusive. Getting attached to being right and shutting down listening is also not being ‘real’. It’s a wall of defense.

To get naked one must lay those walls down. It takes getting uncomfortable, letting go of being right and actually getting real. That can be very scary to be defenseless and when you love someone that’s the best place to be.