Day 51 of 100 Days of Advice on How to Treat Men Right

Day 51 of 100 Days of advice on how to treat men right in relationship and daily interactions with men.

When you recognize yourself as a woman as strong, you will then know compassion for men.

When women are callous towards men it shows their own lack of recognition of their own strength as a woman. If you feel strong as a woman, if you acknowledge your inner power you can receive that you have the balance of vulnerable and strength. You can then see that men too have both strength and vulnerability. But if you live the lie that you are nothing, you will always see the lie that men are infallible instead of seeing them as people. This warped reality that men exist to be your hero keeps you from seeing men as your fellow human beings.

At first I believed feminism promoted men as not being vulnerable. But then I recognized that was not true. Feminists DO see men as vulnerable but they use those vulnerabilities to hurt men BECAUSE they do not see women as strong. Women seen as strong can only have compassion for the vulnerabilities of men. However, feminists see women as weak therefore support women take advantage of men’s vulnerabilities and abusing them.

Men do have vulnerabilities and need to feel safe, supported, loved and have the space to just be. If you’re not understanding what I’m saying, would you understand if I put he word ‘women’ where the word ‘men’ is placed? If so, keep reading. My goal is to get you where you can fully receive what is being said here without needing to do that.

Women who see their own strength, know compassion for men.

Day 50 of 100 Days of Advice on How to Treat Men Right

Day 50 of 100 Days of advice on how to treat men right in relationship and daily interactions with men.

Stop calling men ‘pervs’ and ‘creeps’ and take a look at yourself.

There was a time when I had this fear of what I judged as ‘pervs’. I decided to sit with what I viewed as terror and dissect it. What was I afraid of? Afraid they would do something that I didn’t like? I went deeper with it and found I was afraid they would inquire. I was afraid they would ask me to do something I didn’t want to do. I found this discovery odd so I went deeper. How can I fear someone making a request? Because I judged it as crude? So I should fear that?

Nonsense. So, I kept digging. I came to it, I was afraid of my boundaries being dismissed, I was afraid because I did not stand strong in my boundaries. I was in fear because I did not acknowledge nor trust, my own power. It was not the man I feared, it was myself, my own lack of boundaries. My lack of strongly knowing what I wanted and did not want. My ‘whatever’ attitude towards my own boundaries. My ‘lets see what happens next’ misplaced attitude without knowledge of my boundaries.

Nothing wrong with ‘lets see what happens next’ but that is reserved for those who have taken the time to safely explore their own boundaries with themselves and those they trust. If you throw yourself out into the sexual world and say ‘whatever’ don’t be pissed when that is exactly what you create. If you want love, then be conscious with that intention. If you want to create ‘whatever’ know that you will create absolute chaos. If you’re really empowered with that, so be it. If you’re not, then slow down.

I saw the men and women I judged as ‘pervs’ as no longer that, but in reality those who are exploring new areas of sexuality and perhaps a bit new to certain experiences and so fumbling and awkward. I saw myself as a guide for those people. I guide on my own boundaries that they could never know unless I shared them and guided them on what those boundaries were.

Before you call a man a ‘perv’ or a ‘creep’ look back at yourself and recognize what you are experiencing is your own unhealthy relationship with your boundaries.

Day 49 of 100 Days of Advice on How to Treat Men Right

Day 49 of 100 of advice on How to Treat Men right in relationship and daily interactions with men.

Be a stand for healthy speak about men:

If you’re a woman gathering in a group with other women and the conversation turns misandric, do your part in being a stand for healthy talk about men. It’s not cute or funny to shame men.

If you cannot have a conversation in a group of women without it going into a downward spiral into talking crap about men, then be the difference in that group of women. You don’t have to verbally grab them by the hair to get your point across. By not laughing at their misandric ‘jokes’ you create the stand that you will not give space to such shaming. You can then bring them conscious to the conversation.

Let them know to be present to whatever their upset is instead of blaming men for their upset. Show them the power in saying ‘I’m pissed off’ or ‘I’m sad’ instead of downward spiraling into a hate mantra against men. It is cruel and abusive for said women to hold men accountable for their own personal emotional process. It’s not funny to spew misandric nonsense to hide from doing the work of owning what is going on for them and what they need to personally face. It’s not funny and it’s not powerful.

Guide them away from projecting onto men and show them how that’s a hurtful mask. It hurts men and perpetuates the action that misandry should be taken casually as well as accepted. Misandry empowers no one, not men of course and not women; speaking hatefully about an entire gender shows disempowerment.

Show these women how to create empowered conversation when together including about men. If an upset comes up around men guide it back to them recognizing what is present within themselves instead of projecting their upset onto men.

This will take work, you may find at least some form of resistance, or you may not depending on those you are around. Being a stand for healthy conversation about men will create the seed of healthy experience and shift how men are treated and even empower these women to see themselves and how they interact with men. You have the power to come forward and shift how men are being treated daily. Now, what are you going to do with it?

Day 48 of 100 Days of Advice on How to Treat Men Right

Day 48 of 100 Days of advice on how to treat men right in relationship and daily interactions with men.

Make a request.

Women tend to dance around asking a question instead of asking it. We do, I’ve even caught myself doing this. What is your request? Playing the ‘hinting game’ is not going to fare well for you and it will end up in you expecting your partner to figure things out for you.

This will create frustrated situations and robs your partner of his power to say yes or no. It leaves you both in a limbo of uncertainty. Instead of requesting clearly what you want or what you need your partner to assist you in or help you do, you tip toe around the request.

He then does not know what you want but he can see what you are doing- you are not being clear. This is very frustrating and holds him captive to what you cannot figure out.

For instance, you would like to ask him if he would mind helping you on a project. Instead of making a request you say:

“Oh wow, look at this molding it’s hideous just hideous. Hmm, I’m thinking I might change it. Will take forever though.”

And you leave it at that but you really want his help with it. You are wanting him to do the work for you in figuring out the request. It’s not fair for him to have to wrack his brain to figure out yours for you. It is your responsibility, as an adult, to step into requesting:

“I would really appreciate if you could help me with the molding. Would you be able to?”

That opens the communication to whether he wishes to say yes, no, or perhaps. If he says ‘no’, don’t pout, receive and trust his ‘no’.

When you do not request you rob him of his role in the interaction and his ‘yes’ or ‘no’. When you do not request you are baiting him to be in a loop of punishment for not figuring out your mind for you. He can’t figure out what you want, he’s human, not omnipresent. Expecting him to know your mind then getting mad at him for not being a psychic turns into an abusive cycle towards him. You are abusing him for your own inability to request.

So, be very clear with what you are requesting and request. Notice, request is not demanding it is asking and then listening and accepting his answer.

Day 47 of 100 Days of Advice on How to Treat Men Right

Day 47 of 100 Days of advice on how to treat men right in relationship and daily interactions with men.

Trust how men process, do not expect it to look how women process.

We women LOVE to talk when we are upset. We will talk until we sort things out. Of course, there are exceptions, but in general this is true. Men, do not necessarily want to talk every process out with you, they just don’t. This does not mean men are not capable of emotional process or they are lacking or that they don’t do it at all, but in general, men process differently than women.

Men often process deep pain with action and creation. They work on projects or they may retreat or they may need to spend time with their fellow brothers.

What creates much friction is women pushing men to process things like women which is just not what men do.

John Boradbent in his book ‘Man Unplugged: Exploring the Inner Man’ shares:

“…men simply want to know the truth and be allowed to process it in their own way and in their own time, and open, honest communication forms the basis of all good relationships…

Don’t have expectations to be involved in this process and you won’t be disappointed. If you can see the man is struggling, invite a good male friend over, put a 6-pack in the fridge and go do something for yourself. Let them sort it. When he’s ready to surface, you’ll know and you might even get some form of dialogue and explanation, but don’t push for it, insist on it, or look for explanations as this might simply make a difficult situation even worse.”

The key point I see in this is trusting men to their own process. To push men to process on your time and how you feel it should look is disrespectful to him as a capable adult. That his process does not look like yours as a woman, does not mean that it is ‘wrong’ or lacking in emotion. It is that it is unique to him as a man, as a person. To nag him-and I have talked about nagging in prior days of advice-is to consistently say ‘I don’t trust you’. To consistently show him you don’t trust him, is to create breakdown in relationship.

If you start to feel frantic or your own stories and issues come present as he is processing, best to take some time out and go do something that nurtures you and soothes you. Take time to recognize that your interpretation of his process is what is creating the pain and discourse. His way of processing is not an affront to you, it is what he needs. If you cannot give your partner space for what he needs, perhaps it’s best to evaluate what exactly is going on for you and what you can do to learn how to give him space for his authentic process.

Men are more prone towards being in action to process their emotions where women tend to be more verbal. Yes, there are exceptions. Also, depending on level of grief anyone can fall into a deep level of inaction and nonverbal state. What I’m sharing here is, of course, in general.

Men are more prone to process privately or without discussion. For instance men may decide to play a sport, go for a run, document their experience. Thomas R. Golden author of ‘The Way Men Heal’ also shares how many men also choose a pilgrimage [and he shares other ways men heal] during times of grief:

“The act of taking a journey in honor of something of someone i s a practical masculine mode of grief. This can easily act as a masculine ritual. It is an action that is done in honor of the loss and helps resonate the story and the pain of the loss.”

So, if your boyfriend/husband, needs to get away for a bit, do not personalize it, this is his way of processing. Or if he is silent he is in deep process, do not personalize it. Give him space for his process instead of placing yourself as ‘victim’ of his needs. He’s not doing this to ‘hurt’ you, he is simply and naturally processing. To take this on as if he does not care about your thoughts is unjust and makes him wrong for his process. Trust your relationship and trust him that of course he knows what he needs.

I also recommend for reading, the two books I have cited:
Man Unplugged: Exploring the Inner Man by John Broadbent
The Way Men Heal by Thomas R. Golden

Day 46 of 100 Days of Advice on How to Treat Men Right

Day 46 of 100 Days of advice on how to treat men right in relationship and daily interactions with men.

Let go of the hateful myth that men are ‘more violent’.

This hateful lie is based on the idea that men and their masculinity are dangerous and can at any moment hurt you. Instead of the reality that women also have this capacity. Even broader, human beings are strained in today’s world and are more likely to snap.

By keeping in your mind that men are ‘more violent’ and ‘more prone to violence’ you are dismissing the female criminal. This is not only extremely dangerous it perpetuates the myth that men are more prone to violence.

For instance, Harvard did a study on domestic violence [DV] which found that women and men are equally likely to be responsible for DV violence. However, they also found that in unprovoked cases, women are 70% more likely to be the perpetrators of violence in DV cases:

http://newscastmedia.com/domestic-violence.htm

To continue to say men are ‘more violent’ also creates the excuse that they should suffer even more because they ‘deserve’ it. It’s a very disturbing and dysfunctional thought pattern that horrifically many cling to. This excuses female criminals and abusers.

Women who kill their children have even been given this extreme ‘excuse':

“WOMEN STILL BELIEVE THEY HAVE SOLE DOMINATION OVER SO LITTLE “PROPERTY”, THAT THE DESTRUCTION AND CONTROL OF SOMETHING THAT IS IN FACT THEIR “PROPERTY” SENDS A POWERFUL MESSAGE ABOUT WHO IS REALLY IN CHARGE…” [the caps are from the original author, not mine]

To deny female criminal behavior and female violence to the point of creating such an insane thought process is terrifying. Those who continue to say ‘men are more violent’ are not saying it so blatantly extreme as this, however, they do have an underlying dismissal of the criminal female and fight hard to dismiss her.

This, in a twisted way, is a way of dismissing women as humans. It makes women out to be infallible and therefore not human but some fantasy of what women are. And that is not respecting women, but instead dismissing the effects women have had on society including criminal women. We all know that humans can be violent, humans can be criminally mentally ill, that humans can be dangerous, this is not a gendered fact, this is a human fact.

To make violence a gender issue is a farce. Humans can be violent. When we create this false statement that violence exists because men exist, well, then you have the radical feminist desire for genocide and the watered down version known as ‘patriarchy’ which is not death to all men, but just keep them incarcerated in their own society with shame, abuse and hampered success.

In order to have healthy relationships with men and co-create healthy human community, you must first relinquish the myth that men are ‘more prone to violence’ and accept that women have and are equally responsible for violence. We stand together against violence as people or we war each other and continue destructive relationships and daily interactions.

The choice is always yours but if you’ve been reading this series of advice, then you are one of the women, men, transgender who is seeking healthy relating with men in daily interactions and/or in partnered relationships. So, to you I share, that this is vital if you are going to fully receive men to lay down the myth that men are just waiting to hurt you and those around you. This is harmful to men and you will find yourself the aggressor towards them if you hold on to this belief that he is ‘deserving’ of abuse because he is inherently an abuser. Emotional abuse is also abuse, even if you are not hitting words can be devastating and the way you speak to him is telling of what your baseline story of men is.

If you are a man reading this it is harmful to you to take on this lie that you are ‘more violent’ simply because you are male. That is just a bigoted lie pushed by anti-male agenda, so it’s a good time to let that go. You are an amazing human being and have individual potential for whatever greatness you want. Your individual potential is accessible to you and if you’ve been told only women have the capacity for greatness that’s just a hateful lie and you don’t have to own that.

So, ladies, do you have potential for greatness? Yes, but do not deny that men do too by saying men are ‘more prone’ to violence. This also hurts young boys out there who are starting to give up due to the shaming in our society telling them in many ways they are the ‘bad’ gender. Be conscious of the stories and myths you cling to. They hurt men and your relating with men. It will also keep you in fear of the world and miserable. Humans of all genders have potential for violence and we also all have potential for greatness.

What are you going to do today to encourage your greatness and receive the greatness of men?

http://newscastmedia.com/domestic-violence.htm

http://halfpint42592.wordpress.com/2009/04/20/why-do-women-kill-their-own-children/

Day 45 of 100 Days of Advice on How to Treat Men Right

Day 45 of 100 Days of advice on how to treat men right in relationship and daily interactions with men.

#45 Single mothers of sons: It’s vital you support male influence in your son’s life.

We hear people saying mothers can be both fathers and mothers, no we cannot. To seek to learn from fathers and emulate is one thing, however, you cannot replace the father or male figures. Nor would you want to.

Boys especially need male role models in their lives. [Girls do too, of course, and that is another thread.] Right now I am focusing on why it is specifically so vital for boys to have male figures they can look up to especially if their fathers are not in their lives.

John Broadbent shares in ‘Man Unplugged: Exploring the Inner Man':

“Prior to the Industrial Revolution some 250 years ago, boys were raised mostly by men…In most situations the trade of the father became the trade of the son and often it was a group activity, so the boys were immersed in a world of men performing their trade…

We can see this alive today in many indigenous cultures that have not lost their way due to Western intervention, ,with boys being educated and trained not only by their father, but a community of men.”

This vital interaction of the boys with the men of the community gave boys the support they needed from the men and the wisdom of only their male elders could know which is the unique, powerful and important wisdom of men.

More in the book regarding the Industrial Revolution and it’s effect on raising of boys:

“With the advent of mechanization, standardization and the ability to mass-produce, it was the wealthy industrialists who financed factories and mines, and of course, workers were needed. Certainly boys would often become factory or mine fodder at a young age, however the child-rearing period prior to that was now the mother’s responsibility. In almost a single generation the flow of masculine wisdom went from (as I once heard *Biddulph describe it), ‘a six-lane superhighway to a strangle drip feed’.”

Now we take that and magnify the effects where the father is not present at all. Keeping boys from creating community with other men is not only unfair to your sons but abusive. Boys need men to guide them as they grow and in life.

Take the time and ensure your son has activities where he can gather in male only environments. For instance boys club or mentors. Men teach boys what only men can teach boys. For any mother to assume otherwise is arrogant and hurtful to their son(s). Be a good mother and support the important role of men in your son’s life.

 

*Steve Biddulph Parenting author

https://www.facebook.com/returnofwomen/posts/731126880271651